Ahoy and avast, ye scurvy knaves! Tis the Lady SueEllenMishke here to recap this episode of Pirate Master for ye kind readers. I be wearing me most fancy eye patch and sipping on a pint o’ rum, so let’s get started, aye?
Tonight I am glad to see that Azmyth has cut down on his fake British accent. Not that it’s not hilarious in an “oh my God I can’t believe this man is actually speaking like that” kind of way, but it does get a little tiresome. I almost feel like I ‘m back in high school watching my male friends act out Monty Python sketches in really bad fake accents during drama practice. That’s right- I said drama practice. I was in vocal ensemble too!
Moving on, the captain and his officers dish about how their plan to rid the ship of men so they have all the ladies to themselves is working. Actually, they want to rid the ship of men because they think they’re stronger competitors, and more of a challenge for the title of Pirate Master. Azmyth knows that he’s keeping his Triad together with his awesome personality. Yep, I’m sure it’s all you Azmyth and has nothing to do with the nice digs, food and money that gets thrown their way.
Butt cleavage in the morning!
The following morning, the crew gets up bright and early to do boating type chores that involve pulling ropes and climbing thingies while Azmyth sleeps in. When His Highness finally awakes, we’re treated to some blurred out butt cleavage, (thank you CBS!).He corners Laurel in the galley to apologize to her for his comments the night before, but she doesn’t really care- doesn’t trust him and is mad that they have identical hair styles. She tells him she’s not going to choose sides and he can’t make her. So there! Then she calls him a super-freak in a blue coat. Not to his face, unfortunately.
It’s expedition time, and today’s crews are:
Black Crew- Azmyth, Ben, Jay, Joy, Laurel and Christa
Red Crew- Louie, Joe Don, Nessa, Kendra and Jupiter
The crews have to swim to shore through treacherous waters, and very quickly Kendra starts to fall behind. Joe Don grabs her flag and pulls her along behind him. This allows the Red Crew to hit the beach first, and they’re off running. The Black Crew gets their clue first though, so I guess they just want it more.
Both crews have to carry heavy wooden ladders through a difficult trail up and down the mountainside. Joy is the Navigator for the Black Crew, which proves to be pretty difficult because she’s walking behind the rest of the group. And always wants to stop. And has to be pushed up the hill by Jay.
The ladders soon come into play as the crews arrive at two trees. One person from each crew is supposed to climb the ladder, and then untie the rope that holds the key to the treasure chest. The Black Crew wisely picks Azmyth to climb because he is slim and agile, and the Red Crew chooses… Louie? Well, that’s not a good choice, Red Crew! Azmyth reaches the top in record time and sets to work untying his key while Louie reaches the top in not so record time, and can’t figure out that the key is on a rope that has to be untied.
Not shockingly, the Black Crew is in the lead, and their next destination is a terrifying rope bridge. There, they need to decipher clues on the bridge planks that will lead them to the treasure. Everyone makes it across the bridge in one piece, and they manage to figure out the clues that were on the boards. How they even looked at the clues I don’t know, because I would have been looking anywhere but down. The Black Crew finds the treasure first, and their celebratory cheers let the Red Crew know that they don’t need to bother coming any further.
60/40- that’s fair, right?
Back on the ship, Cameron points out the obvious when he asks the Red Crew if they are sad because of their loss. Um, yes Cameron. The Black Crew counts their booty and it comes to a whopping $40,000! Joy is thrilled, because after the last mission, Azmyth announced that the winnings should be split evenly. I guess Azmyth has forgotten. He decides that since he has been the captain for a while now, he, Jay and Ben deserve 60% of the treasure, and the rest of the crew should get 40%. They bring Joy in first to give her her share, and Azmyth tells her that they’ve bumped themselves up a little bit because they’ve earned it. Yes, I guess it is really hard work sleeping late and speaking in a fake British accent.
Azmyth, Jay and Ben decide to give the black spots to Joy, Kendra and Joe Don, and I am upset because even though Joe Don can be kind of a dink sometimes, he’s the only eye candy left on this show, and I’m just not ready to say goodbye.
Nessa and Joe Don sittin’ on a boat…
You know who else is not ready to say goodbye to Joe Don? Nessa. While the captain and his officers are conspiring in their quarters, Nessa and Joe Don sit on the deck in the moonlight discussing the pardon, how much they wanted to win the expedition and how they don’t like or trust Azmyth.
And then they make out a little.
I hope someone did some bidding!
Bright and early the next morning, Azmyth dons his blue jacket and fake accent and passes out the black spots. For some reason, Joy thought she was safe, so she didn’t bother to bid on the pardon. Kendra’s surprised by her black spot, and wishes Azmyth had been brave enough to tell her about it beforehand, and Joe Don is not surprised at all.
There is some talk amongst the crew about mutiny, but they know they could never get Ben and Jay to go along, so they drop that idea pretty quickly. Jupiter asks Joe Don if he bid on the pardon, and he asks why he should have to bid- he does well in the competitions, and is an all around great guy, right? Why would anyone want him gone? Jay approaches Nessa, asks her to vote for Joy and tells her that Azmyth won’t give her a black spot if she does what he says. Nessa is not one to be intimidated by a ridiculous frail man with silly hair, and she tells us she’ll vote however she wants.
Meanwhile, Louie has vowed that he won’t vote for a woman, but he doesn’t want to vote for Joe Don either, so I’d say he’s up a creek.
The Black Spots speaketh.
It’s time for Pirates’ Court, and everyone gets to have their say. Azmyth says he marked Kendra because she’s slow, Joy because she’s slow, and Joe Don because he’s fast, and too much competition.
Joy understands that she’s weak, but she never gives up and feels like she’s doing the best she can. She implores them to do what’s in their hearts, and leaves it at that. Cameron asks Christa if she thinks Joy is a liability on the expeditions. Christa replies that she’s not the fastest, but she also doesn’t give up.
Kendra tells everyone that out of 6 expeditions, she has been on 4 winning crews, and she doesn’t think her lack of a performance has caused any losses. Someone has to be in the back, and that’s fine, as long as her back is always in front of the opposing crew. Cameron asks Jupiter how Kendra fits on the expeditions, and Jupiter replies that she’s not the best, but she doesn’t stop.
Finally it’s Joe Don’s turn to defend himself. He tells the crew, (but mostly Azmyth) that he is a serious threat, and he’s gunning for the captain and will eventually pass him. He tells the crew that they need him to help fight Azmyth and his officers, and he’s really their only hope.
The pirates vote, and Cameron reveals the bids- $500, $700 and the highest bid of $12,000 from… Joe Don! Joe Don hands the money over to Nessa and she is absolutely thrilled because she’s no longer the brokest pirate on that ship. So, Joe Don is safe, but Cameron announces that he would have been safe anyway- he didn’t receive any votes. Now he’s safe, and $12,000 needlessly poorer.
That leaves Kendra and Joy. One received three ballots, and the other two. And, being set adrift tonight is Joy. Poor Joy. At least now she won’t have to hike through the mud any more, and she’ll be able to stop for water any time she wants.
Tune in next week to see Joe Don and Nessa make out some more!
Are you reminded of embarrassing high school stories when you watch Pirate Master? Tell me about them here.