Arrrrrgh, fellow pirate fans. I would like to first start out by saying that I finally saw Pirates of the Caribbean III, even though those pirates are much ďdirtierĒ than these pirates, they are still hands down hotter than this mess we have on our hands. Last week a new element was introduced to the game, the Royal Pardon, to throw a twist into a pretty bland show. In all actuality, it made no dramatic difference and was basically a lame attempt to liven up a show that has fallen flat on its face. Last week Cheryl was cut adrift and most of us scratched our heads and said ďwho was that again?Ē This week, will this show get exciting? Can the royal pardon really liven it up? Letís all imbibe in copious amounts of rum to make this show mildly amusing. Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirates life for me!
Whores and Asses
After pirates court everyone comes back to the cabin to discuss the eveningís events. Joe Don just spent a lot of money on a pardon that he did not need. He really should have spent the money on a good hair cut and to have his name legally changed from Joe Don to probably just Joe. His name drives me crazy. Ben is sad that Cheryl is gone and one of the ladies is putting the moves on him. Sean is watching like a dirty little perv and comments that he thinks that Nessa plays the flirt card way too much. I wonder if he would be singing the same tune if she was flirting with him.
Sean is up on the deck talking with a couple of the other crew members and Nessa calls him on being two faced. Jupiter jumps into the conversation by calling Cheryl a ďbitchĒ and now the show is finally heating up. Sean tells Nessa that she flirts and acts like sheís in junior high. Hopefully notes get passed later and Sean and Nessa get sent to the principalís office for their behavior.
Itís the next morning and Louie goes around and wakes everyone up personally. He reminds us again how he will always share the treasure. The flag gets hoisted and the ship is off. Everyone seems to be working. Christa climbs the rope ladder to adjust the sail. She has a daughter and wants to provide a better life for her. Like most people who want a better life for their child, they abandon them for six weeks and go play pirate on the high seas. I am nominating her for mother of the year!
Looking for some Hefty Booty
Its challenge time and playing cards are revealed. The treasure was hidden by the pilot of the ship, Barnabus Bagley. He was a wonderful map maker but he had a weakness, gambling. He played blackjack. I am a little disappointed to learn this; I would have pegged pirates as more of a dice game kind of people. I have lost all respect now. The teams will be divided into the red and the black teams like always. The black crew is Louie, Sean, Nessa, Joe Don, Christa, and Joy. The red crew is Azmyth, Jupiter, Laurel, Kendra, Ben and Jay. Each team is given their clue and climbs into their boats.
The teams paddle to shore and have to run to the Voodoo forest and find cards of their same suit to make 21. This show is awfully clever. Louie is sad that his team was not there first, because he always wants to be first. The black team has the lead and as Nessa is sprinting through she gets caught by a trap and lands face first on the ground. I of course laugh my head off. The first rule of falling, someone always has to laugh.
Black crew finds their cards first and heads off to the anchor to find the heart. I really hope there is a still beating heart buried in a box in the sand. You know how much that would freak them all out. Alas, itís just sticks on a tree that look like a heart. Kind of like really unscary Blair Witch stuff. Red crew finally finds their card and they head off to the beach. Black crew is having a hard time finding the heart because Louie got the spyglass wet. To reprimand him for his wrongdoings they should hold him down and shave his head. I think real pirates would do that. The red crew catches up with them and they all jump in boats and start heading out. The black team finds the gravesite first and heads off to the top of the mountain to start digging. The red crew is not far behind and this challenge is getting very tenseÖor not.
Both teams are digging and no one has located the box yet. Louie climbs the tree hoping that a large box is hiding in the tree that he canít see. Christa is digging a hole and then abandons it, Jay comes over and continues on it and finds the loot. Christa starts crying and carrying on and no one really seems to care.
Long Live British Rule
Both crews head back to the boat and the black crew gathers below deck. Louie tells Joe Don that he no longer has vengeance in his heart for him. Everyone cheers and I just roll my eyes. Above decks, the red crew is counting their loot and has $40,000 to split. Azmyth is once again captain and he takes on Ben and Jay as his officers. Itís going to be quite the sausage fest in the captainís quarters.
The money is split evenly throughout the crew and they are all happy again. No one is speaking in a British accent but I have a feeling itís going to start any minute. The rest of the crew is trying to figure out who is going to get a black mark and whether money needs to be bid for the royal pardon. Lots of people want Nessa out and others want Sean out.
Nessa wants to buy the pardon for insurance to make sure that she stays another week and to hopefully finally score with some of the guys. She approaches Joe Don and he gives her some money to put on her bid. I think we all just saw the workings of a scandalous contract.
Marking the Enemy
The captain and his officers gather to decide who is going to get a black mark. They all agree that Louie deserves one because he said that all captains should. They agree that since they think that Nessa put a lot of money up for a pardon they are not going to put her up. Aww snap, they just worked her. Jay moves to have Sean put up because he is not trustworthy. Laurel is the next name mentioned because she is not on any side, that means she has to go.
The crew gathers to pass out the letters and Azmyth falls into the British accent as he calls out the names, except he falls into a poor French accent when he calls Joe Donís name. Louie, Sean and Laurel all announce their black spots. All this talk of black spots makes me think they have the plague or something. Now that would put an interesting twist on this game, a plague outbreak.
Tossing a Scurvy Dog!
Its pirate court time and everyone gathers. The marked pirates take front and center and have to make a case for themselves. Louie goes first and he tells everyone that he thought he was a fair captain. Laurel says she doesnít understand not being on a side. Azmyth answers her with some mumbled British accent crap. She goes onto to say that she is doing her best and pushing herself harder. Sean is up and he says that saying one thing and doing another is part of the game. But I thought we were supposed to hate the player and not the game? He then tells them he wants to go to the kitchen with Jupiter and cook a delicious dinner.
There were zero votes for mutiny so Azmyth is safe. Laurel received no votes so she is safe. Sean received the most votes and will be cut adrift unless he wins the pardon. The pardon goes to Nessa and Sean is officially walking the plankÖerr riding a small raft to luxury.
Make sure to watch next week as Azmyth, Ben and Jay
haveform a threatening threesome. Joe Don and Nessa consummate their agreement from this week. Sounds exciting, trashy, and probably like nothing ever seen on a pirate ship.
Send me a PM if you secretly hope a real, modern day, pirate ship attacks this boat and teaches them all a little lesson about pirating.