Arrrrr! *cough* Oh, excuse me. I was just getting a little choked up from all the cheese emanating from my tv. I mean, you saw last week’s show. I know you laughed when they cut stripper-boy John loose on that raft, and he and his enormous ego (and his purloined compasses) drifted forlornly into the arms of the waiting production crew five minutes later. I was laughing so hard I missed his final words, not that I missed much, I’m sure. I want some plank walking, darn it! And less eyeliner. Only Jack Sparrow can pull that off. And less scripting. And rum. Lots of it. Not for the cast (though it might help), but for me. I’m going to need more than a few rumrunners to make it through the rest of this series...
Sailing The Seas Of Cheese
A full moon is shining, and the remaining crew discusses John’s departure. Nessa, sounding more Valley Girl than pirate wench, tells everyone that she’s glad Mr. Ego got the boot. John really set himself apart from the group, she says, and caused tension. “Dude, to be the first one voted off like that, unanimously like that?” exclaims Nessa. Like, I totally don’t think pirates ever said “dude”. They all laugh at John’s compass-stealing. Nobody is worried about it, since they all seem to think they can use the sun to figure out which way they’re going. Or, they can just ask the production crew.
Over in the
Head of HouseholdCaptain’s Quarters, J.D. is telling his officers how he’s really into delegating. And keeping most of the loot for himself. Nah, he didn’t say that, but it’s true. J.D. decides that Sean would make a good cook, and brings him in to ask if he’d like the job. Sure, says bartender Sean. Everyone likes the cook, he says, and it won’t require him to be too close to the captain. Ol’ J.D. shakes Sean’s hand, giving him a reminder that he is the captain and can fire him at any minute. Is this guy power tripping, or what? Damn. They then decide to bring Jay into the fold as the chief mate/bosun. Jay will be responsible for the rest of the crew, and will report back to J.D. Cheryl, one of the officers, doesn’t trust Jay as far as she can throw him. Her intuition is correct, as Jay freely admits to the camera that he’s playing everybody, and is only in it for himself. Now that’s the pirate spirit!
Morning dawns on the gorgeous Picton Castle, and various crew members are doing pirate-y things like yoga stretches and checking their eyeliner in the mirror. Arrr. J.D. graces everyone with his presence on deck, giving Jay his orders: have the heads cleaned and deck swabbed, and raise the pirate flag. The crew really gets into the flag-raising as they hoist sails and take off, especially Kendra. She loves being up on the masts as they sail, and wishes she could stay on the ship forever. Dreadlocked Azmyth finally gets to speak, telling us that he’s a “jolly pirate,” wanting to watch out for his crew members and help them to make it far. But he’s still in this thing for himself, too.
This Ain't IHOP
Time for breakfast, or what passes for it on the ship. Sean would like some grilled mahi-mahi, but instead prepares some kind of gruel that doesn’t go over well at all with the crew. Or their stomachs. It looks like cat vomit in a cup, honestly. The crew also gets a peek at what the captain’s having: steak, eggs, potatoes and fruit. Suffice it to say they’re not pleased. I hope Sean at least taste-tested the goodies as he cooked them. I would.
The crew gets to work, scrubbing the ship down. Louie glares at the captain after he shouts “good job” to the crew. Louie seems to have made it his priority to get the crew to mutiny against J.D, grumbling non-stop about how they’re being treated. Jay also resents watching the captain chow down as they’re slaving away, calling J.D. a “cookie monster” who just sits around getting fat, avoiding the sun, and stuffing his face. For his part, J.D. seems to think it’s funny that he’s eating well in front of everyone. I don’t know where he got his leadership skills from, but I don’t think being an arrogant ass is going to get him very far.
Snakes. Why'd It Have To Be Snakes.
The bell rings, host Cameron magically appears, and it’s time to draw teams for the new expedition. The black crew ends up being J.D., Nessa, Cheryl, Ben, Azmyth, Louie, Krista, and Jupiter. The red crew is Sean, Joy, Kendra, Christian, Alexis, Laurel, and Jay. The next treasure they will be searching for is that of Captain Steel’s master gunner, who was also a master of trickery, booby traps, and had a penchant for snakes. Some of the girls don’t look too pleased after that last revelation. Cameron hands out maps, and off they go.
The faux pirates jump off the ship, swim to shore, and begin the long hike to find the snakepit, marked on the map. After Alexis drags Kendra to shore, that is. Seems that Kendra is a sucky swimmer, floundering along behind everyone else. She was doing a nifty backstroke for a while. Alexis is mad that she had to help “little miss I need my water wings.” Let's hope Alexis never needs help. This puts the red crew way behind, allowing the black crew to find the sabotage first: a huge ball of tangled, thorny branches. The black crew huffs and puffs up the mountain, finally finding the snake pit. It’s a swampy pit of dark water, full of non-poisonous creepy crawlies that probably have little interest in our “pirates.” Captain Crunch J.D. stands around uselessly, while Nessa tires of waiting for him to decide what to do and jumps in the muck with Azmyth, who quickly finds the hidden box. Woo! Those crop circles carved into his beard must give him superpowers of direction. Louie calls Azmyth a “rock and roll pirate” for finding the compass board so quickly.
The red team is having a hard time making it up the mountain during all of this. Big boy Christian is lagging behind, and Joy falls, smashing her knee. This girl isn’t having the best of luck out here. First she gets seasick, now a bum knee. Sean flings her over his shoulder, carrying her the rest of the way up. Meanwhile, the black crew has found the nearby altar, and puts the compass board on top, using the little spoon to point to where the gunner’s treasure is hidden. The red crew finally makes it to the snake pit. Jay complains that Christian is just standing around, keeping watch for snakes, as he does all the digging around. Jay and Louie sure do like to complain a lot, don’t they? Azmyth uses his superpowers again, finding the buried treasure as the red crew looks on in disgust. Azmyth rocks!
Back to the ship they go, with the black crew adding up their newfound booty: $45,000. Of course, J.D. keeps all of his half again, $22,500. You’d think he’d pick up on the icy looks and share some of it, but no. Captain Arrogant hogs it all. He also chooses to keep his officers, and they divvy up their quarter of the loot. The disheartened crew splits the remainder, to the tune of $2,250 each. Louie mouths off again about wanting to send the captain and his officers adrift all at once.
Down below deck, the crew talks trash about all the money J.D. must have by now. Jay jokes (or not) with Sean about messing with the captain’s food, “making him crap all night.” J.D. is busily counting his money, laughing about needing a shovel to scoop it all up and having enough money to pay off his credit cards. He does sense the discontent in the crew, though, and goes down to give them a little gift: about $200 bucks apiece. They are underwhelmed by his not-so-generous offering, but they take it anyway. This starts Louie off on one of his mutiny rants again. Meanwhile, J.D. takes his bosun Jay into his quarters to offer him $2,000 to be his snitch. “This isn’t a bribe, I’m rewarding you,” says J.D. Jay knows that’s crap, but happily takes the money anyhow. He doesn’t mind being a mole as long as it’s lucrative for him.
Set Adrift On Memory Bliss
It’s time for the captain and officers to choose who will receive the black spot o’ doom. J.D. says this one will be a heartbreaker. The summons letters are handed out for Pirate’s Court, with the following three getting the black spots: Joy, Christian, and Kendra. Jay goes around to the crew trying to sway the vote. He wants Christian out, and wants to keep Kendra. Hmm. Louie, of course, hooks up with Christian and talks him into trying for mutiny. Like it really worked last week.
The three marked pirates stand before the crew, and J.D. explains his picks. Kendra, because she sucks at swimming. Christian, for being big and slow. And Joy because she injured herself. Kendra gives a rather lame speech in her defense, simply saying that while she had a “hiccup” in the water, she never stopped while on land. Joy has taken her bandage off, and makes a show of how much she’s recovered. Christian, having fallen for Louie’s propaganda, calls for mutiny. He tells them if he was voted captain, things would be different. J.D. says that he thinks his crew is happy, and they “know how he rolls.” Yeah, dirty. Louie pipes up about the money situation, and J.D. spills the beans that he’s shared money with Jay, his bosun. The others turn and look at Jay in disbelief, and he stammers that yes, he’s gotten $1,000 (liar!) plus the $200 that was given to the losing team. Why J.D. outed his own snitch, I have no idea. J.D.'s not the brightest bulb in the pack.
The crew goes up to do the cool spike-the-card-on-the-dagger thing (with plenty of overly dramatic, scripted looks at the captain and three marked pirates), and Cameron gathers the cards. By a vote of 5-4, Christian is voted off. Not one mutiny card, so apparently these people enjoy being treated like dirt. J.D. cuts Christian loose on his raft as Louie shakes his head. I just hope that raft was reinforced.
Well, that’s it for this week. Join us next time as Louie the broken record is still yapping about mutiny, Jay buys off some crew members, and a “dangerous sabotage” takes one team out. Hopefully Cameron will finally lose that damn shirt. See you then (and don’t forget the rum!).
Send your comments (and extra rum) to me at waywyrd@fansofrealitytv