PH Finale Recap - "Twist and Shout"

**Amanda** · 10-03-2003, 04:21 PM

Autumn, in all its technicolor splendor, descended upon Chicago last week. The chill in the air was palpable, and I shut my windows for the first time in months. Sweaters were removed from bottom drawers, and, with a slight sense of sadness, I switched the dial in my car from “A/C” to “high heat”. As I flipped the calender over to October, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no longer any use in denying the fact that summer was but a memory. Until it suddenly dawned on me: I had one final hurrah! My summer couldn’t officially come to an end until the fine people of Paradise Hotel had been awarded that Ultimate Prize. I mean, come on. PH is pretty much the televised embodiment of all that summer represents: scantily-clad debauchery. Smug in my ability to rationalize away any and all conventional logic, I curled up on my couch wearing a snowsuit and moonboots, sipped my hot chocolate (with a tropical mini-umbrella impaling a marshmallow), and prepared to enjoy summertime.

Paradise just wouldn’t be Paradise if the show didn’t begin with scenes from previous episodes. The finale was no exception. The only difference in this episode was that not only did we see what happened last week, we got to see what’s happened over the last several months. Yawn. As it dragged on...and on...and on, I lost all feeling in my extremities. Luckily for me, the sheer excitement of finding out who Keith will choose to eliminate was enough to ward off complete frostbite. Okay, so it wasn’t all that exciting after all. He picks Dave and Charla to stay. Scott, Holly...nice knowin’ ya. They both act surprised and more than a little disappointed, but the bulk of their outrage seemed to be directed at Dave. Seems he made a bit of a faux pas in promising Holly that she’d be staying. Whoops. After they make their way up the walk of shame - with Scott doing a really awkward and horribly prolonged “victory” fist in the air - Charla and Tara celebrate the fact that they’ve made it to the final four. Keith, on the other hand, is obviously distressed by the position in which he was put, and tells Dave that he’d really rather not talk to him right then. Charla whispers to Tara that she feels betrayed by Dave, a sentiment with which Tara agrees wholeheartedly. When the couples return to their respective rooms, Charla confronts Dave about his questionable game tactics. He stands up for himself as much as his aching heart will allow him to, but in the end he just seems like a wounded puppy.

The following morning, everyone seems to be over it, except for Dave himself. Keith calls and asks that they stop by and pick him and Tara up on the way to breakfast, a clear indication that all’s forgiven. Charla picks up on Dave’s lingering depression, and asks what his deal is. He says he just still a little depressed, and that he wants to be angry at Keith. Huh? Yeah, that makes sense. Charla is as confused by that as I was, and tells him that he has no reason to be mad at Keith. Dave, offering no explanation, says that he does, and if he’s mad at him then it’ll be easier to compete against him. I can only hope that some part of that logic train was edited out, because Dave seems to have gone off the deep end a little bit here. Or maybe the subzero temperatures have shut down my critical thinking abilities. What the hell kind of summer sendoff *is* this, anyway? By the time everyone has breakfast, things seem to be back to normal.

Back in the bedrooms, the two couples are brought photo albums and pictures of their stay in Paradizzle. This is nothing more than a contrived way of recycling even MORE footage, dressed in the guise of a trip down memory lane. As the albums were never mentioned again, I’m not going to waste your time by reliving those memories. Suffice it to say that eye-bulging and references to certain Hasbro dice games were plentiful.

That evening at a very formal dinner, the four toast themselves and their mega-awesome game play. They exchange heartfelt declarations of love, respect and everlasting friendship...until a lone figure appears. Is it foreshadowing? Well, yes. Foreshadowing in the body of an annoying Brit named Amanda Byram. She announces that this will be their last night in Paradise, so it’s time to pack their bags. And, because the show has been promising us twists, Toni and Beau appear in the dining room as well. They claim to be back in the game, and the four collective faces around the table fall. Luckily for the finalists, they’re just kidding, but they confirm that all the guests ARE back, and they’ll act as a jury. The four remaining contestants are to write speeches, informing the jury members why they should win. And lest anyone forget Toni’s penchant for nonsensical exclamations, she leaves them with one final “Game on!” You know, Toni evidently lives in Chicago. There’s an extremely high probability that she lives in a neighborhood fairly close to me. I’d give everything I currently own to run into her in a bar someday, just so I could challenge her to a game of video poker or something. If I could find out firsthand if she yells crap like that in her everyday life, I’d die happy. But I digress...

As the couples once again retire to their rooms, Keith and Tara waste no time in getting down to business. Keith has charts, graphs, spreadsheets, powerpoint presentations, an abacus and a Field’s medal winner (thanks Good Will Hunting!) in the room, trying to figure out if he and Tara have a snowball’s chance in hell in taking home the prize. Back in the tacky-ass butterfly room, Charla’s having none of it. There’s nothing she wants less than to talk about the game. She vows not to do anything to persuade the jury to vote for her. Dave is wanting to work out a strategy, but Charla, never missing the chance to get a dig in on him, only chastises him for having rank socks. Isn’t she precious?

The next morning after both teams have bemoaned their low chances of winning, Jorge brings breakfast for Dave and Charla. Instead of a simple “Thank you!”, Dave says “Jorge, this is your final delivery for me. Isn’t this exciting?!?” Yes, Dave. Exciting. Jorge can barely contain himself, and leaves quietly. As they dress for the day, Charla extends an invite to Dave to visit her in Minnesota. Where he can sleep on her floor. If he brings his own air mattress. I don’t care how many damn lakes there are in Minnesota. Unless both Prince and Kirby Puckett are Charla’s neighbors, Dave better not set foot anywhere near her house. If he has any self-respect, that is. Oh, wait...

As the OG’s parade back into the hotel, none of them look very happy to be there. The only time I think any of them cracked a smile was when Amy and Zack came out arm in arm, inexplicably drawing cheers and applause. It’s times like these when I wish I’d pursued a degree in psychology instead of biology. I’m sure there’s some excellent case study here, something about delusions of grandeur and enablers, but, sadly, this isn’t my area of expertise. Someone needs to get Dr. Phil on that.

Before we can get to the speeches and the voting, we obviously need to give the evicted guests the opportunity to bitch and moan and ask pointed rhetorical questions. It suddenly strikes me how ironic the show’s title is. It’s a good thing that I’m a sinner on my way to hell, because if this is Paradise...Anyway, Andon starts the “Dave is a big old jerk and we’re hypocritical and we LIKE it!” session, as it shall henceforth be known. He wants to know that if Dave wins, will the prize be worth the loss of friendships? See? Rhetorical. Dave says no, obviously. Next up is Matt, who looks more and more like Vinny Barbarino every time he gets any facetime. I can’t imagine anyone actually cultivating that image, but whatever. “Dave, when I watched the episodes, you made a big deal about being honest and mature. But you talked about EVERYONE here. You embarrassed yourself, and you embarrassed the people back home.” Not for nothing, Matt, but unless your family is both blind and stupid, they’re probably not swelling with pride either. Next up is Toni, and she directs her question at Tara: “You admitted to Andon that you’d screw Charla over to win.” Tara replies that she and Charla had an understanding that when it came down to the very end, everyone had to do what they had to do to win. Not satisfied with that perfectly reasonable answer, Toni walks over and puts Tara in a full nelson and starts punching her in the kidneys. Okay, that’s a lie. But instead of just moving on, she said “Yeah, but you said you wanted to vote Charla off. Then you said you were just kidding, but if you were really her friend, you wouldn’t ever say anything like that.” Wow. Really? I’m a terrible, terrible friend then. I’ve made thousands of jokes at my friends’ expense. Most of the time right to their faces. They’ve done the same with me. I actually gave this some thought for a while, until I realized that I was examining my life because of something that Toni said. On Paradise Hotel. A reality show. On Fox. Then I laughed and adjusted my moonboots. Zack was up next, and I’ll be honest. I don’t know what his point was. He had a question for Keith, and it was something about how Charla was trying to hook up with him even though Dave was doing all sorts of stuff for her, and ... well, I don’t know. I don’t think it was really a question at all. Since he wasn’t wearing a headband or spouting off on famous Scotsman heroes, I stopped caring. Luckily, Des was next, and she recaptured my attention. “Charla, we all know you lack social skills. You hid in your room and didn’t participate. Do you think you deserve to be here?” Yeah, this coming from Des, who didn’t do one noteworthy thing in her entire stay. Anyway, Charla handled it well, saying “Other people deserved it more than me, definitely. I wanted to go home the most of anyone, but I just couldn’t quit.” The group seems to like this answer, and we move on to Scott, who wants to know why Keith didn’t pick him to stay. Scott, let it go, man. You should just be glad that you spent a summer being compared to guys who were even bigger losers than you are, because I’m going to be honest here - you’re no prize. Being one of the best of the worst isn’t necessarily a good thing. Keith tells him that he had to be true to his original alliance, a fact that should have gone without saying. Finally we’re left with Holly (because the producers, editors, whomever, in their infinite wisdom thankfully didn’t subject us to the questions of Amy, Kristin and the rest), who wants to know why Dave lied to everyone. What did he gain from it? It “obviously” didn’t help him. In the line of the night - and possibly the series - Dave retorts “Well, I’m standing here, aren’t I?” The jury members, needless to say, didn’t much care for that. Yeah, the truth hurts.

Moving on to the speeches, Charla begins. She says there’s nothing she can do at this point to change their minds. She’s said and done it all. Dave was a good friend to her, and she thanks him. They’ve all said bad things about one another, and she isn’t going to hold any grudges. Next is Dave. I could tell you what he said, but why bother? It could have been entitled “Ode to my Charlykins”. ‘Nuff said. Tara’s is equally as forgettable, touching mainly on the points that she did things in Paradise that she wouldn’t normally have done, and she learned a lot about herself along the way. Eh. Moving on. Keith’s speech...well, I can’t do it justice here. By writing it up, I’ll lose some of the emotion, some of the sincerity and too much will get lost in translation. It was genuinely touching, and I’m surprising myself by saying that. I usually watch these shows with a lot of natural cynicism and disdain, but this was an exception. He tells the booted guests that he knows they all have good hearts. He learned that he has a lot of growing up to do, attributing that realization mainly to Amy. He didn’t mean the things that he said about any of them, and he’s sorry. He wants to change for the better. Remember the speech Zack made during his last dinner at the hotel? This speech was everything that speech wanted to be. Des is crying, Amanda is crying, Charla is crying. It was sweet. On that note, the jury is told that they have until sunset to make their decisions.

As the finalists sweat it out in their rooms, Dave apologizes to Charla for screwing up her chances of winning. She admits to him that she was the only girl who didn’t vote for him to come on the show. See? She just NEVER misses a chance to belittle the poor guy. I’d feel bad for him if only he didn’t ask for it so much.

The jury members “deliberate”, but it’s really just more of the “We still hate Dave and Dave sucks and Dave is a big jerkface.” Scott calls him a rat and a stoolie, and Toni says that if he “pulled that in Chi-town, he’d die.” This pissed me off. Don’t say “Chi-town.” Don’t be that girl. And learn your local history while you’re at it. This is one of the greatest cities in the world, but it was pretty much built on deceit and corruption. I understand that you’re mad that you have bug eyes and skunk hair, but enough already.

And we’re finally ready for the moment of truth. Which one of these reprehensible human beings (Keith being the obvious and noteworthy exception) will win the ... ULTIMATE PRIZE? As the four file back in to face the jury, hostess Amanda asks if there are any final questions or comments from the jury members. Toni, of course, pipes up first. “This sucks. We should be up there. It doesn’t pay to lie, cheat or steal your way to the top. Money is temporary, but friends, your heart and your reputation are forever.” I’d like to point out the flaws in her logic. If money means so little, why the hell do you care if other people are up there? If you think you played the game well and with integrity, and you came out of it with friendships, then...well, just give up the hypocrisy. Seriously. Please? Pretty please with some steroids on top? Alex wants to know if Charla had the chance to do it over, would she pick someone other than Dave. “No.” Okay Charla, that changes my vote. Whatever, Alex. My vote is for you to shut up, and that isn’t changing. Des wants more facetime to show off her wicked cool pink hat, so she announces that she loves all of them and wants to kill the animosity. Tell you what, Des. Kill your stylist, and then I’ll kill my animosity. Deal?

But wait. Remember those twists they’ve talked about all season? Well, the show is nearing the end, and it’s time to ante up. The only way to win the game is to switch partners. Everyone is shocked. Tara looks like she was punched in the stomach. The jury members giggle in glee. I wonder why Fox is going to bother trying to drag this out by putting another commercial break in here, as this “twist” makes it painfully obvious who the winners will be. I won’t keep you in the fake suspense that Fox did, however. It’s Keith and Charla. Surprised? Yeah, neither was I. So tell us, Fox, what’s that Ultimate Prize you’ve been hyping all summer?

Half a million dollars.
*Crickets chirp, pins drop*
Well, that’s not so bad. Each, right?
No. Not each.
Oh. Um. Okay. Well, a quarter million isn’t awful, either. I mean, it’s not great. But hey, it’s a nice chunk of change, right? I mean... aw hell, who am I kidding? Look, I’m not rich. I’m not. Not at all. But you know who is? Rupert Murdoch, and every other Fox executive. A quarter of a million each?? That blows. Hard. They got more than that in ad revenue for each episode. Cheap bastards.

But wait...there’s one more twist. I’ll be honest with you guys. I was expecting them to say “Okay, we were just kidding. It was a test. If you complained about the crappy nature of the prize, you wouldn’t have gotten the REAL prize, but since you were gracious about it ... here’s another million. EACH.”

Sadly, no. As Keith and Charla are instructed to open their envelopes, they see that inside are two checks, each in the amount of $125,000. One is made out to them, the other is left blank. They’re informed that they now have to decide if they’ll share their prize with their partner, or if they’ll keep it all for themselves. They have thirty minutes to decide what to do. As Keith and Charla go back to their rooms to think, we seem them agonizing over their decision. Never ones to leave well enough alone, Toni and Melanie go to Charla’s room, and Alex goes to Keith’s. The originals all try to persuade them not to split the cash. Their jobs done, they leave. Keith and Charla agonize some more.

After the half hour is up, Keith talks to Tara. Again, I’m not going to pull a Fox here and try to drag it out. Keith gives Tara half. He tells her that he couldn’t have done this without her, and that she deserves it as much as he does. She puts up the requisite “fight”, but she accepts the money. They embrace, and I’m left thinking that Keith is awesome and perfect and that I love him.

As for Charla, she tells Dave that this is the most difficult decision she’s ever had to make. She wants to know what Dave would do if she tried to give him the money. Dave responds that he would try to make sure she was doing it for the right reasons, and not out of a sense of obligation. She then asks what he’d do if she wanted to keep it. He tries to say all the right things - and he does - but it’s obvious that he’d be disappointed, and rightfully so. In the end, Charla keeps the money, and Dave accepts that fact as graciously as someone who’s just been royally screwed can.

As the winners, and Dave, re-join the ousted guests, Keith announces that he and Tara want to take everyone to Vegas. We can only hope that the vast amounts of desert perfect for burying bodies has something to do with this decision.

And that’s it, people. Paradizzle is ov-ah. And I know it’s going to be back next summer, but I’m checking out. Forever.

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Daddio · 10-03-2003, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Toni says that if he “pulled that in Chi-town, he’d die.” This pissed me off. Don’t say “Chi-town.” Don’t be that girl. And learn your local history while you’re at it. This is one of the greatest cities in the world, but it was pretty much built on deceit and corruption. I understand that you’re mad that you have bug eyes and skunk hair, but enough already.

Great recap Amanda. Im actually sad that it will be the last - until next season that is!

I couldnt agree more with your above statement.

As a fellow proud Chicagoan, I sighed a breath of relief every episode in which Toni didnt associate herself with our fine city and shed a tear for the fine people of Arizona who were subjected to barages of homespun wisdom from their demon chiles Amy, Zack, Alex...and the others all the while repeatedly noting their states of residence.

Toni actually made it until the final half-hour of the final episode to remind people from where she hails. Dagnabit - where is some timely editing when we need it?

luna_chicago · 10-03-2003, 04:59 PM

Yeah, we kill people here in "Chi-town" for saying things that Dave said.

WHATEVER, Toni.

I second this " Don't be that girl."

I'm with Amanda - I'll be checking out now. Forever.

calhoun · 10-03-2003, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Oh. Um. Okay. Well, a quarter million isn’t awful, either. I mean, it’s not great. But hey, it’s a nice chunk of change, right? I mean... aw hell, who am I kidding? Look, I’m not rich. I’m not. Not at all. But you know who is? Rupert Murdoch, and every other Fox executive. A quarter of a million each?? That blows. Hard. They got more than that in ad revenue for each episode. Cheap bastards.

WORD!!! Great recap, Amanda. You, once again, required me to find excuses for my bursts of laughter in the office.

Maveno · 10-03-2003, 05:11 PM

Wow. Wow. Wow. Hellofa recap!! Bravo! Bravo! Bravvooooo!!!

Wonderful job of making the finale better than the finale! Thanks for the laughs...and of course I HAVE TO HIGHLIGHT my favorite moments.

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Pretty please with some steroids on top?
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I’d give everything I currently own to run into her in a bar someday, just so I could challenge her to a game of video poker or something. If I could find out firsthand if she yells crap like that in her everyday life, I’d die happy.
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(This was thee funniest thing I read today. evar!!)
Not satisfied with that perfectly reasonable answer, Toni walks over and puts Tara in a full nelson and starts punching her in the kidneys. Okay, that’s a lie. But instead of just moving on, she said “Yeah, but you said you wanted to vote Charla off. Then you said you were just kidding, but if you were really her friend, you wouldn’t ever say anything like that.” Wow. Really? I’m a terrible, terrible friend then. I’ve made thousands of jokes at my friends’ expense. Most of the time right to their faces. They’ve done the same with me. I actually gave this some thought for a while, until I realized that I was examining my life because of something that Toni said. On Paradise Hotel. A reality show. On Fox. Then I laughed and adjusted my moonboots.
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Tell you what, Des. Kill your stylist, and then I’ll kill my animosity. Deal?
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We can only hope that the vast amounts of desert perfect for burying bodies has something to do with this decision.
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Maveno · 10-03-2003, 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by calhoun

WORD!!! Great recap, Amanda. You, once again, required me to find excuses for my bursts of laughter in the office.

I swear on my kitten's life.... I laughed out-loud with the whole..."puts her in a head-lock and punches her in the kidneys" statement. My co-worker looks at me with big eyes.."What??" I had to explain the whole damned thing...explain who Toni is, her manly build, Tara..etc..etc..

Thanks a lot for making me look/sound like a total ass at work today AmandaG. GAME ON!! YAHTZEE!!

Oh yea...and this (which is a two-fold w/the kidney punches)... I was doubling over!!!!!!

I actually gave this some thought for a while, until I realized that I was examining my life because of something that Toni said. On Paradise Hotel. A reality show. On Fox. Then I laughed and adjusted my moonboots.

LOLOL

Silverstar · 10-03-2003, 05:53 PM

Amanda, that was wonderful!

"They embrace, and I’m left thinking that Keith is awesome and perfect and that I love him."
Join the club!

melpepinla · 10-03-2003, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmandaG

You know, Toni evidently lives in Chicago. There’s an extremely high probability that she lives in a neighborhood fairly close to me. I’d give everything I currently own to run into her in a bar someday, just so I could challenge her to a game of video poker or something. If I could find out firsthand if she yells crap like that in her everyday life, I’d die happy. But I digress...

Good luck in your quest Amanda! Another great recap thanks!

Stargazer · 10-03-2003, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmandaG

And that’s it, people. Paradizzle is ov-ah. And I know it’s going to be back next summer, but I’m checking out. Forever.

Great recap! I profoundly agree with your last statement. Other than the bright spot that is Keith, this show last a bad taste in my mouth. Between the contrived plot twists and the abysmal behavior, this is one guest who wont be checking in next season.

YCan'tAngieRead · 10-03-2003, 08:15 PM

Maybe Toni meant "south of Chi-town", because we're a bunch of badasses around here.

Or, at least, we would be, if Toni accidentally migrated down here for anything.

10-03-2003, 04:21 PM	#1
Amanda Ice Cold Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 9,875	PH Finale Recap - "Twist and Shout" Autumn, in all its technicolor splendor, descended upon Chicago last week. The chill in the air was palpable, and I shut my windows for the first time in months. Sweaters were removed from bottom drawers, and, with a slight sense of sadness, I switched the dial in my car from “A/C” to “high heat”. As I flipped the calender over to October, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no longer any use in denying the fact that summer was but a memory. Until it suddenly dawned on me: I had one final hurrah! My summer couldn’t officially come to an end until the fine people of Paradise Hotel had been awarded that Ultimate Prize. I mean, come on. PH is pretty much the televised embodiment of all that summer represents: scantily-clad debauchery. Smug in my ability to rationalize away any and all conventional logic, I curled up on my couch wearing a snowsuit and moonboots, sipped my hot chocolate (with a tropical mini-umbrella impaling a marshmallow), and prepared to enjoy summertime. Paradise just wouldn’t be Paradise if the show didn’t begin with scenes from previous episodes. The finale was no exception. The only difference in this episode was that not only did we see what happened last week, we got to see what’s happened over the last several months. Yawn. As it dragged on...and on...and on, I lost all feeling in my extremities. Luckily for me, the sheer excitement of finding out who Keith will choose to eliminate was enough to ward off complete frostbite. Okay, so it wasn’t all that exciting after all. He picks Dave and Charla to stay. Scott, Holly...nice knowin’ ya. They both act surprised and more than a little disappointed, but the bulk of their outrage seemed to be directed at Dave. Seems he made a bit of a faux pas in promising Holly that she’d be staying. Whoops. After they make their way up the walk of shame - with Scott doing a really awkward and horribly prolonged “victory” fist in the air - Charla and Tara celebrate the fact that they’ve made it to the final four. Keith, on the other hand, is obviously distressed by the position in which he was put, and tells Dave that he’d really rather not talk to him right then. Charla whispers to Tara that she feels betrayed by Dave, a sentiment with which Tara agrees wholeheartedly. When the couples return to their respective rooms, Charla confronts Dave about his questionable game tactics. He stands up for himself as much as his aching heart will allow him to, but in the end he just seems like a wounded puppy. The following morning, everyone seems to be over it, except for Dave himself. Keith calls and asks that they stop by and pick him and Tara up on the way to breakfast, a clear indication that all’s forgiven. Charla picks up on Dave’s lingering depression, and asks what his deal is. He says he just still a little depressed, and that he wants to be angry at Keith. Huh? Yeah, that makes sense. Charla is as confused by that as I was, and tells him that he has no reason to be mad at Keith. Dave, offering no explanation, says that he does, and if he’s mad at him then it’ll be easier to compete against him. I can only hope that some part of that logic train was edited out, because Dave seems to have gone off the deep end a little bit here. Or maybe the subzero temperatures have shut down my critical thinking abilities. What the hell kind of summer sendoff is this, anyway? By the time everyone has breakfast, things seem to be back to normal. Back in the bedrooms, the two couples are brought photo albums and pictures of their stay in Paradizzle. This is nothing more than a contrived way of recycling even MORE footage, dressed in the guise of a trip down memory lane. As the albums were never mentioned again, I’m not going to waste your time by reliving those memories. Suffice it to say that eye-bulging and references to certain Hasbro dice games were plentiful. That evening at a very formal dinner, the four toast themselves and their mega-awesome game play. They exchange heartfelt declarations of love, respect and everlasting friendship...until a lone figure appears. Is it foreshadowing? Well, yes. Foreshadowing in the body of an annoying Brit named Amanda Byram. She announces that this will be their last night in Paradise, so it’s time to pack their bags. And, because the show has been promising us twists, Toni and Beau appear in the dining room as well. They claim to be back in the game, and the four collective faces around the table fall. Luckily for the finalists, they’re just kidding, but they confirm that all the guests ARE back, and they’ll act as a jury. The four remaining contestants are to write speeches, informing the jury members why they should win. And lest anyone forget Toni’s penchant for nonsensical exclamations, she leaves them with one final “Game on!” You know, Toni evidently lives in Chicago. There’s an extremely high probability that she lives in a neighborhood fairly close to me. I’d give everything I currently own to run into her in a bar someday, just so I could challenge her to a game of video poker or something. If I could find out firsthand if she yells crap like that in her everyday life, I’d die happy. But I digress... As the couples once again retire to their rooms, Keith and Tara waste no time in getting down to business. Keith has charts, graphs, spreadsheets, powerpoint presentations, an abacus and a Field’s medal winner (thanks Good Will Hunting!) in the room, trying to figure out if he and Tara have a snowball’s chance in hell in taking home the prize. Back in the tacky-ass butterfly room, Charla’s having none of it. There’s nothing she wants less than to talk about the game. She vows not to do anything to persuade the jury to vote for her. Dave is wanting to work out a strategy, but Charla, never missing the chance to get a dig in on him, only chastises him for having rank socks. Isn’t she precious? The next morning after both teams have bemoaned their low chances of winning, Jorge brings breakfast for Dave and Charla. Instead of a simple “Thank you!”, Dave says “Jorge, this is your final delivery for me. Isn’t this exciting?!?” Yes, Dave. Exciting. Jorge can barely contain himself, and leaves quietly. As they dress for the day, Charla extends an invite to Dave to visit her in Minnesota. Where he can sleep on her floor. If he brings his own air mattress. I don’t care how many damn lakes there are in Minnesota. Unless both Prince and Kirby Puckett are Charla’s neighbors, Dave better not set foot anywhere near her house. If he has any self-respect, that is. Oh, wait... As the OG’s parade back into the hotel, none of them look very happy to be there. The only time I think any of them cracked a smile was when Amy and Zack came out arm in arm, inexplicably drawing cheers and applause. It’s times like these when I wish I’d pursued a degree in psychology instead of biology. I’m sure there’s some excellent case study here, something about delusions of grandeur and enablers, but, sadly, this isn’t my area of expertise. Someone needs to get Dr. Phil on that. Before we can get to the speeches and the voting, we obviously need to give the evicted guests the opportunity to bitch and moan and ask pointed rhetorical questions. It suddenly strikes me how ironic the show’s title is. It’s a good thing that I’m a sinner on my way to hell, because if this is Paradise...Anyway, Andon starts the “Dave is a big old jerk and we’re hypocritical and we LIKE it!” session, as it shall henceforth be known. He wants to know that if Dave wins, will the prize be worth the loss of friendships? See? Rhetorical. Dave says no, obviously. Next up is Matt, who looks more and more like Vinny Barbarino every time he gets any facetime. I can’t imagine anyone actually cultivating that image, but whatever. “Dave, when I watched the episodes, you made a big deal about being honest and mature. But you talked about EVERYONE here. You embarrassed yourself, and you embarrassed the people back home.” Not for nothing, Matt, but unless your family is both blind and stupid, they’re probably not swelling with pride either. Next up is Toni, and she directs her question at Tara: “You admitted to Andon that you’d screw Charla over to win.” Tara replies that she and Charla had an understanding that when it came down to the very end, everyone had to do what they had to do to win. Not satisfied with that perfectly reasonable answer, Toni walks over and puts Tara in a full nelson and starts punching her in the kidneys. Okay, that’s a lie. But instead of just moving on, she said “Yeah, but you said you wanted to vote Charla off. Then you said you were just kidding, but if you were really her friend, you wouldn’t ever say anything like that.” Wow. Really? I’m a terrible, terrible friend then. I’ve made thousands of jokes at my friends’ expense. Most of the time right to their faces. They’ve done the same with me. I actually gave this some thought for a while, until I realized that I was examining my life because of something that Toni said. On Paradise Hotel. A reality show. On Fox. Then I laughed and adjusted my moonboots. Zack was up next, and I’ll be honest. I don’t know what his point was. He had a question for Keith, and it was something about how Charla was trying to hook up with him even though Dave was doing all sorts of stuff for her, and ... well, I don’t know. I don’t think it was really a question at all. Since he wasn’t wearing a headband or spouting off on famous Scotsman heroes, I stopped caring. Luckily, Des was next, and she recaptured my attention. “Charla, we all know you lack social skills. You hid in your room and didn’t participate. Do you think you deserve to be here?” Yeah, this coming from Des, who didn’t do one noteworthy thing in her entire stay. Anyway, Charla handled it well, saying “Other people deserved it more than me, definitely. I wanted to go home the most of anyone, but I just couldn’t quit.” The group seems to like this answer, and we move on to Scott, who wants to know why Keith didn’t pick him to stay. Scott, let it go, man. You should just be glad that you spent a summer being compared to guys who were even bigger losers than you are, because I’m going to be honest here - you’re no prize. Being one of the best of the worst isn’t necessarily a good thing. Keith tells him that he had to be true to his original alliance, a fact that should have gone without saying. Finally we’re left with Holly (because the producers, editors, whomever, in their infinite wisdom thankfully didn’t subject us to the questions of Amy, Kristin and the rest), who wants to know why Dave lied to everyone. What did he gain from it? It “obviously” didn’t help him. In the line of the night - and possibly the series - Dave retorts “Well, I’m standing here, aren’t I?” The jury members, needless to say, didn’t much care for that. Yeah, the truth hurts. Moving on to the speeches, Charla begins. She says there’s nothing she can do at this point to change their minds. She’s said and done it all. Dave was a good friend to her, and she thanks him. They’ve all said bad things about one another, and she isn’t going to hold any grudges. Next is Dave. I could tell you what he said, but why bother? It could have been entitled “Ode to my Charlykins”. ‘Nuff said. Tara’s is equally as forgettable, touching mainly on the points that she did things in Paradise that she wouldn’t normally have done, and she learned a lot about herself along the way. Eh. Moving on. Keith’s speech...well, I can’t do it justice here. By writing it up, I’ll lose some of the emotion, some of the sincerity and too much will get lost in translation. It was genuinely touching, and I’m surprising myself by saying that. I usually watch these shows with a lot of natural cynicism and disdain, but this was an exception. He tells the booted guests that he knows they all have good hearts. He learned that he has a lot of growing up to do, attributing that realization mainly to Amy. He didn’t mean the things that he said about any of them, and he’s sorry. He wants to change for the better. Remember the speech Zack made during his last dinner at the hotel? This speech was everything that speech wanted to be. Des is crying, Amanda is crying, Charla is crying. It was sweet. On that note, the jury is told that they have until sunset to make their decisions. As the finalists sweat it out in their rooms, Dave apologizes to Charla for screwing up her chances of winning. She admits to him that she was the only girl who didn’t vote for him to come on the show. See? She just NEVER misses a chance to belittle the poor guy. I’d feel bad for him if only he didn’t ask for it so much. The jury members “deliberate”, but it’s really just more of the “We still hate Dave and Dave sucks and Dave is a big jerkface.” Scott calls him a rat and a stoolie, and Toni says that if he “pulled that in Chi-town, he’d die.” This pissed me off. Don’t say “Chi-town.” Don’t be that girl. And learn your local history while you’re at it. This is one of the greatest cities in the world, but it was pretty much built on deceit and corruption. I understand that you’re mad that you have bug eyes and skunk hair, but enough already. And we’re finally ready for the moment of truth. Which one of these reprehensible human beings (Keith being the obvious and noteworthy exception) will win the ... ULTIMATE PRIZE? As the four file back in to face the jury, hostess Amanda asks if there are any final questions or comments from the jury members. Toni, of course, pipes up first. “This sucks. We should be up there. It doesn’t pay to lie, cheat or steal your way to the top. Money is temporary, but friends, your heart and your reputation are forever.” I’d like to point out the flaws in her logic. If money means so little, why the hell do you care if other people are up there? If you think you played the game well and with integrity, and you came out of it with friendships, then...well, just give up the hypocrisy. Seriously. Please? Pretty please with some steroids on top? Alex wants to know if Charla had the chance to do it over, would she pick someone other than Dave. “No.” Okay Charla, that changes my vote. Whatever, Alex. My vote is for you to shut up, and that isn’t changing. Des wants more facetime to show off her wicked cool pink hat, so she announces that she loves all of them and wants to kill the animosity. Tell you what, Des. Kill your stylist, and then I’ll kill my animosity. Deal? But wait. Remember those twists they’ve talked about all season? Well, the show is nearing the end, and it’s time to ante up. The only way to win the game is to switch partners. Everyone is shocked. Tara looks like she was punched in the stomach. The jury members giggle in glee. I wonder why Fox is going to bother trying to drag this out by putting another commercial break in here, as this “twist” makes it painfully obvious who the winners will be. I won’t keep you in the fake suspense that Fox did, however. It’s Keith and Charla. Surprised? Yeah, neither was I. So tell us, Fox, what’s that Ultimate Prize you’ve been hyping all summer? Half a million dollars. Crickets chirp, pins drop Well, that’s not so bad. Each, right? No. Not each. Oh. Um. Okay. Well, a quarter million isn’t awful, either. I mean, it’s not great. But hey, it’s a nice chunk of change, right? I mean... aw hell, who am I kidding? Look, I’m not rich. I’m not. Not at all. But you know who is? Rupert Murdoch, and every other Fox executive. A quarter of a million each?? That blows. Hard. They got more than that in ad revenue for each episode. Cheap bastards. But wait...there’s one more twist. I’ll be honest with you guys. I was expecting them to say “Okay, we were just kidding. It was a test. If you complained about the crappy nature of the prize, you wouldn’t have gotten the REAL prize, but since you were gracious about it ... here’s another million. EACH.” Sadly, no. As Keith and Charla are instructed to open their envelopes, they see that inside are two checks, each in the amount of $125,000. One is made out to them, the other is left blank. They’re informed that they now have to decide if they’ll share their prize with their partner, or if they’ll keep it all for themselves. They have thirty minutes to decide what to do. As Keith and Charla go back to their rooms to think, we seem them agonizing over their decision. Never ones to leave well enough alone, Toni and Melanie go to Charla’s room, and Alex goes to Keith’s. The originals all try to persuade them not to split the cash. Their jobs done, they leave. Keith and Charla agonize some more. After the half hour is up, Keith talks to Tara. Again, I’m not going to pull a Fox here and try to drag it out. Keith gives Tara half. He tells her that he couldn’t have done this without her, and that she deserves it as much as he does. She puts up the requisite “fight”, but she accepts the money. They embrace, and I’m left thinking that Keith is awesome and perfect and that I love him. As for Charla, she tells Dave that this is the most difficult decision she’s ever had to make. She wants to know what Dave would do if she tried to give him the money. Dave responds that he would try to make sure she was doing it for the right reasons, and not out of a sense of obligation. She then asks what he’d do if she wanted to keep it. He tries to say all the right things - and he does - but it’s obvious that he’d be disappointed, and rightfully so. In the end, Charla keeps the money, and Dave accepts that fact as graciously as someone who’s just been royally screwed can. As the winners, and Dave, re-join the ousted guests, Keith announces that he and Tara want to take everyone to Vegas. We can only hope that the vast amounts of desert perfect for burying bodies has something to do with this decision. And that’s it, people. Paradizzle is ov-ah. And I know it’s going to be back next summer, but I’m checking out. Forever. __________________ The beautiful tragicomic thing about the human race is 1) their basic trust in each other and 2) that they never ever in a million years expect you to pull a big shovel out of your pocket and club them in the face with it. Click me.

10-03-2003, 04:59 PM	#3
luna_chicago Rock Star Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 233	Yeah, we kill people here in "Chi-town" for saying things that Dave said. WHATEVER, Toni. I second this " Don't be that girl." I'm with Amanda - I'll be checking out now. Forever. __________________ di

10-03-2003, 05:11 PM	#5
Maveno Caged Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 7,783	Wow. Wow. Wow. Hellofa recap!! Bravo! Bravo! Bravvooooo!!! Wonderful job of making the finale better than the finale! Thanks for the laughs...and of course I HAVE TO HIGHLIGHT my favorite moments. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pretty please with some steroids on top? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I’d give everything I currently own to run into her in a bar someday, just so I could challenge her to a game of video poker or something. If I could find out firsthand if she yells crap like that in her everyday life, I’d die happy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- *(This was thee* funniest thing I read today. evar!!)** Not satisfied with that perfectly reasonable answer, Toni walks over and puts Tara in a full nelson and starts punching her in the kidneys. Okay, that’s a lie. But instead of just moving on, she said “Yeah, but you said you wanted to vote Charla off. Then you said you were just kidding, but if you were really her friend, you wouldn’t ever say anything like that.” Wow. Really? I’m a terrible, terrible friend then. I’ve made thousands of jokes at my friends’ expense. Most of the time right to their faces. They’ve done the same with me. I actually gave this some thought for a while, until I realized that I was examining my life because of something that Toni said. On Paradise Hotel. A reality show. On Fox. Then I laughed and adjusted my moonboots. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tell you what, Des. Kill your stylist, and then I’ll kill my animosity. Deal? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- We can only hope that the vast amounts of desert perfect for burying bodies has something to do with this decision. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- __________________ All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

10-03-2003, 08:15 PM	#10
YCan'tAngieRead On Hiatus Join Date: Aug 2003 Age: 38 Posts: 936	Maybe Toni meant "south of Chi-town", because we're a bunch of badasses around here. Or, at least, we would be, if Toni accidentally migrated down here for anything. __________________ "Ashleigh": I just think it's sleazy. It's dirty. Matt: Welcome to television! -The Joe Schmo Show

10-03-2003, 05:53 PM	#7
Silverstar FORT Fogey Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 1,776	Amanda, that was wonderful! "They embrace, and I’m left thinking that Keith is awesome and perfect and that I love him." Join the club!