Hello Paradise faithful, and welcome to yet another recap of the game with no rules and no logic. For the third time, I find myself sitting down with a beer in one hand and a pen in the other, gearing up to recap this mess of a show. Fortunately for us, Dramatic Voiceover Man promises us, over and over, that there are only three episodes left before the finale! So, there are four episodes left. Apparently DVM was schooled at the same place Beau was, if he can’t count higher than three.
We begin the episode with the guests heading to breakfast. Dave and Scott are the first of the guys to arrive, and Scott, ever the observant one, points out that this is not reality. Soon their time in paradise will be over, and then it will be back to reality. He asks Dave what he plans on doing once the show is over, if he’s going to go back to what he was doing before or do something different. Dave says he could move to Chicago, to catch up with his good buddy Toni, and the two of them could do Celebrity Boxing every night and make a fortune. Well, with Toni’s fondness for appearing on reality TV, I doubt she would say no.
Upstairs while having breakfast, an envelope is delivered to Charla. She reads it aloud, and the girls learn that they will have to cook lunch for the men. They seem to think it will be fun, but a realistic one in the bunch asks if there will be Kraft mac & cheese. The boys get a similar envelope, which Dave reads. The guys seem happy about this, saying it’s their turn to be pampered. Beau says he wants prime rib, and Dave says he wants lasagna. The phone rings. I answer, and Foreshadowing says, “You don’t need me to tell you how badly this is going to go, do you?” No Foreshadowing, I do not.
Later, Scott confronts Dave about something Matt Travolta told him. It seems Dave has been rigging Pandora’s Box, planting questions and telling people what answers to give. He was trying to get Matt to say he trusted Scott the most, to build trust with Scott’s crew. Scott seems to think that Dave being a master strategist is a terrible thing, and that Dave is being sneaky. Dave apologizes for what he did, but Scott is still acting like Dave suggested killing all the babies in Mexico. Of course, later Scott says that the person playing the game the sneakiest will win. Whatever, double standard boy.
Melanie and Amy are talking about last night’s Pandora’s Box, where Scott said he would pick Holly over Melanie. Amy tells Melanie that Scott and Holly are close, but Melanie brings up a pact she made with Scott in the first week, and is coming across like she thinks he should still be honoring it after not seeing Melanie or having her in the game for ten weeks. Melanie tells Amy that she doesn’t want to come between them if they’ve bonded. No, Foreshadowing, you don’t need to tell me what’s going to happen next…
Beau comes in to the room an Melanie asks Beau who he wants gone, Charla or Tara. He says he wants Tara gone, and Amy says she can’t be nice to her anymore. Wait, Amy was being nice to Tara? I’d hate to see what she would treat Tara like if she were being a spiteful, vindictive bitch towards her. Beau says he wants to play with people he can trust, just like last time when everyone conspired against him to get him out of the hotel. Scott comes in and Amy asks who he wants gone, “C or T”. Wow, the CIA should totally hire Amy to invent a super secret code that no one could crack. Scott says he wants Charla gone, which isn’t really a shock, except the dramatic music and cutaway reaction shots would make you think it is.
Melanie and Scott are talking about Pandora’s Box again. Melanie says she’s not mad, but what he said did hurt her feelings. Scott asks her what he was supposed to do. Melanie thinks he should honor the pact he made with her, because he should totally have known she was coming back after ten weeks and shouldn’t have moved on with the game. Scott says he doesn’t want to hurt her, but Melanie suddenly switches gears and leaping across the room asks Scott if he likes to snuggle. Scott says, “Now?” in a what-is-she-smoking voice, and jumps up, sitting in a chair across from her. He tells her she’s a great friend, and then asks her who she would kick off. She says Charla or Holly. Scott seems really happy with Melanie’s jealous reason for wanting Holly gone.
Charla and Dave are in their room, when Charla says here comes Pocohontas, seeing Tara with her hair braided and in pigtails. Dave tells Tara she looks cute, and Charla says that she’s never seen anyone dress so sexy to cook a meal. Tara says she put her hair up to keep it out of their food. Charla says she will try not to put glass in Dave’s salad, and Tara promises she won’t put worms or spiders in his salad either. Dave thanks them for looking out for him. Tara moans that she can’t cook, and her momma’s going to watch this and worry that she’ll burn the hotel down.
The guests all head up the stairs and see a huge kitchen setup, with food, knives, pots… it’s actually quite nice, but it’s too bad Foreshadowing is tapping on my window and shaking his head, because it just proves how badly this is going to go. Desiree seems surprised that they’re actually going to have to cook, and I really hope that they got this food cheap.
The girls are all clueless on how to prepare the food. Charla, Melanie and Holly all try to tackle a big slab of pork, but none of have any idea what it is. Over at the backgammon station, Tom is watching the preparation nervously. Charla holds a knife in the air as she moves around, and Beau yells over to her that she scares him with that knife. Dave jokes that he hopes Charla doesn’t stab him in the back with that knife.
Beau yells over to Amy who is “making” “guacamole” and tells her you’re not supposed to lick the bowl. Amy is scooping out avocados but also licking the spoon and her fingers and continuing to use the same spoon to scoop more avocado into the bowl. All of these single guys have more common sense in the kitchen than Amy does, and watching her talk with her mouth full of a gloppy green mess is just sickening. She brings the guacamole over and Beau asks her if she really thinks he’s going to eat that now. That has got to be the first shred of common sense Beau has displayed on the show. I wouldn’t be touching that either.
Now Amy is grilling fish, but failing terribly. She’s just whacked the fish right on the grill, I doubt she’s even cleaned it as it’s still whole. Tara is preparing the only edible thing of the whole night, making salads with heart shaped cucumbers. Dave thanks her and says his salad looks great, and judging by the way Amy is mauling the burgers and sausages, these guys are going to finish their salads off. Beau comes over and warns Scott and Dave to stay away from the meat, and they all agree that they aren’t going to have any of it. Dave and Tara are standing next to a plate of burnt, ruined sausages, and Dave says he’s seen a lot of hot dogs in his life, but none quite like this.
Keith is apparently feeling sick, and Tara brings him a sandwich in his room. Keith says, “Thanks, babe” and I get insanely jealous of Tara. I want Keith to call me a babe. Even half covered by blankets he’s the hottest guy there. He also tells her he thinks that things will go badly tonight, and I notice Foreshadowing dancing in the corner of the room.
Charla and Dave are talking back in their room. Charla says she wants to go home and hug her family, she’s very close with them. Dave confesses that he’s not close with his family, his parents divorced when he was thirteen and his brothers gave him a hard time. He says it’s the place he fit in least ever, except for Paradise. Charla assures him she doesn’t think any less of him for not being close with this family.
A Paradise hotel staff member delivers and envelope to every guest. There’s something about having to write allies and rivals on cards, or something, but I’m distracted because they show Keith in a towel. Mmm. Towely goodness. Unfortunately, my mindpowers aren’t working and the towel stays on his hips.
Tom and Dave are talking about the envelope. Tom says he’s stopped trying to figure the game out and just goes with it, and he’s just planning on writing what he feels. Tom wants to stay and says he’ll do everything in his power that he can to stay, just like every other guest. But Amy won’t yell at him for doing it, because it’s ok when he does it but not when the four of them do.
Scott and Charla are also talking about the envelopes in a different room. Scott says to him a rival is someone he doesn’t like, and he likes everyone at the hotel. He tells Charla that Dave is probably his biggest rival, and Dave walks in to the room. Scott tells him he’s putting Dave as his rival, and Dave tells him that he doesn’t see Scott as a rival and is putting him as an ally.
Dave and Tara are predicting what everyone is going to write on their cards. They call pretty much every one, except Tom, who they are way off on. They have no idea where he’s really aligned with.
Amy is in her room, saying she’s not going to kick off a friend, and she’ll sacrifice herself instead. Beau says she’s not making any sense, and that if she has to vote someone off, she has to, and it’s nothing personal. Well, his speech started off promising. Amy already thinks she’s a winner and starts to cry, but she’s just so terrible I stopped paying attention and am dragging my nails down a chalkboard because it’s more pleasant than listening to her. The best part of all of this? Holly is lying on the bed and looks totally bored with Amy’s antics. At least, that’s what I’m going to say, but the truth is she’s probably too drunk to realize what’s going on.
Tara and Charla are toasting each other with Twix bars. They’re glad to have found each other, and are happy to have each others friendship. Charla says, “you complete me” to Tara, and I’m sure many guys are hoping for some girl-on-girl action, but alas, they make a toast to surviving, and to friendship, and bite their chocolate bars. They say that they’ll always be friends, no matter what the originals say. Foreshadowing isn’t dancing around the room, so I think that this must be true.
Holly asks Keith what he put on his card as allies. Keith tells her he put Scott and Dave. Holly asks who he put as his rival, and he says Beau. Keith says he thinks Charla or Tara is going home, but Scott reminds him just when you think that, something else pops up. Foreshadowing blows Scott a raspberry and runs off.
Dave asks Charla if she wants to go. He says if he has the power, he’ll send her home if that’s what she wants. Charla tells him she’s not going to abandon them now, and she’s leaving tonight’s roommate selections up to God. Actually dear, that would be the producers, who make up these “rules” as they go along. She says if she’s meant to stay, she’ll stay, but if not, she’ll go home.
Amy tells Beau she doesn’t care about the game any more. Beau says that he would be mad at her if she quit, and that a bunch of people in AZ are rooting for her. Arizona must be a scary place, then, if they want Amy to win. Remind me never to go there. Zack has apparently died, as Beau tells her that Zack would have wanted her to stay.
It’s time for the roomate selection. Desiree goes first, and even though Tom thought he called it, she has no special powers. She picks Tom. Amy goes next, and picks Beau. Amanda asks Melanie why she picked Keith after knowing him for all of two seconds, and she says it was because of his abs. Keith tells her to get out of here, and I agree. That leaves him open for ME. Anyway, the producers try to build suspense by cutting to commercial break, and once we get back, Melanie picks Dave but adds, “I don’t know why I’m bothering.” Charla picks Dave as well, leaving Keith open for Tara to pick, which she does.
Dave has to choose between Melanie and Charla, and apologetically, he chooses Charla. Melanie says she understands, and Dave tells her he hopes that the envelope has some sort of twist that would keep her there. Amanda gets Melanie to reveal who she put as her rival and allies. She says Charla was her rival because she kicked her off, and that Desiree and Amy are her allies. Melanie opens the envelope, and it turns out she has to take an ally home. Desiree “sacrifices” herself for Amy, and so, Melanie and Desiree must leave paradise.
Charla says to Tara that it’s not her fault Melanie is gone. Tara tells her to stop saying that because she knows its not true. They think that the originals are ridiculous, and that they always need to be mad at someone. Tara tells Charla to be happy. Amy’s gang is gone, so it’s the two of them against Amy and Holly, and really, how much of a threat is vapid Holly? Hellooo, anyone home?
Beau, Amy and Tom hold a funeral for Desiree. They talk about how good people always get sent home, and clips of Amanda and Zack leaving are shown. The Amanda I can buy, but the Zackass is not what I would call a good person. But the three of them seem to think so.
Scott and Holly have another fight. Holly is mad at how much time Scott spends with Charla, Tara, Dave and Keith. She doesn’t “git it” and wants Scott to spend all of his time with her. Scott starts spouting off praises for Melanie, apparently she’s cured cancer or something, but basically he’s asking why she hasn’t asked how he felt about her getting the boot. He says that she didn’t want to come between “our relationship – if you can call it that.” Oh, nice burn Scott. I wouldn’t drink anything Holly gave you for a while. They bicker some more, and the episode ends with Scott getting out of bed and going into the bathroom.