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Thread: Paradise Hotel: 8/18 - Once More Into The Breach

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    Starbucks is your friend Bill's Avatar
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    Paradise Hotel: 8/18 - Once More Into The Breach

    Paradise Hotel
    8/18 Episode Recap

    Once More Into the Breach

    Shakespeare wrote a play, The Life of King Henry the Fifth. Basically King Hank rises to power when his dad takes a dirt nap. The younger Hank was a bit of a party boy. He would have gotten along fine with the folks in Paradise Hotel, with the added advantage of being able to kill them if they made him mad.

    The young King, suffering from a nasty hangover, ends up getting angry with France over a land dispute, and some ugly emails were exchanged one day … excuse me, courrier electronique… email is so yesterday. Anyhow, there is war, as is the norm anytime euros get upset, and Hank sends his old party buddies into battle. In Act III, Scene 1, he utters the famous line, “once more into the breach” as a prologue to a rambling speech about defending England.

    What does all of this have to do with Paradise Hotel you ask? Good question.

    I am sure Dave could twist it into some kind of crazy pick up line for Charla, but no… there is a much more important interpretation than that my friends. You see, I already recapped this darn show once, back in July. I thought there was no chance in Cupid that my turn would roll around again. Yet here I am.

    Once more into the breach…

    Last Week

    The show does a quick recap of the previous events. In a nutshell, Alex cheated at the casino, but it cost Beau his time at the hotel. Beau did some kind of kick the habit act on his way out. Oh, and Tom wore a dress while playing with his monkey.

    If you want a better description than that, and I think you do, please check out Duckgirl and Paulie’s excellent recaps from last week.

    Ding Dong, Beau is Gone

    The reaction to Beau’s recent departure is pretty subdued. No one misses him, and Alex goes so far as to say things are more relaxed with him gone. So finally, everyone should be happy. I mean this living in paradise stuff is starting to wear on these poor folks.

    Spoke too soon. Amy is upset.

    Now, I know what you are thinking, situation normal right? True, but she is truly upset this time. I am not kidding. Through tears she says that she is having a hard time finding reasons to stay at the hotel.

    Really? I would have thought the free food, free booze, lounging all day with cute guys… well not Dave… but the other guys, would seem to be good reason enough.

    Not in Amy’s world. She says that the game used to be about “sharing an experience with people you love.” Yeah, because those people who got here a week after the original folks are just too new to love. Bastards! She also misses Zach. I am shocked to hear that. I thought for sure that in a month she would have gotten over him. I guess not.

    Meanwhile Charla and Keith are hanging out. Charla seems to have forgotten how to button her pants. At least she is wearing matching underwear. Good for you Charla, this might be the first thing you have done on this show that has made your mother proud.

    She is flirting with Keith, who is more than happy to play the game. He is flirting back, but at the same time, teasing, Charla. It is obvious who is winning, and it is the human who has mastered basic tools, like zippers.

    Finally, Charla goes to the “my ex-boyfriend has bigger feet than you do” card, while flashing his picture around. They end up wrestling on the bed, and of course, breaking the picture frame of Charla’s ex-boyfriend. I suppose there is some symbolism there, but after the Henry V reference, I am all burned out.

    Bring on the Fresh Meat

    Host Amanda arrives at the hotel, and she gathers the gang together to select a new hotel guest.

    You notice how they have different music for all the different moments in the hotel existence? The peppy opening number, the bow chicka bow bow bedroom music, and the ominous sounds of a new selection coming up. Watch your mailbox soon for a special offer on the Paradise Hotel Soundtrack. I am guessing it will debut higher than Clay “Disgusto-pelvic-thrust” Aiken did with his album.

    Amanda has brought two guests to the island with her. Desiree was the Las Vegas massage therapist that was passed over for selection in favor of Cavita several weeks back. Lauren, a bartender from Texas, was also not selected, even though she “accidentally” broke the only button holding her shirt together during her first audition.

    The guys are allowed time “alone” with both ladies. Anyone with half a brain could figure out that the current crop of female hotel guests would be watching on closed circuit from the bar. By that measure, I am guessing that Smokey the Monkey knew it.

    Dave asks Lauren to show him some of the dance moves that she bragged about previously. We see what could either be described as physical therapy gone horribly wrong, or Dave dancing. You decide. I don’t think even Debbie Allen herself could fix this guy.

    Debbie: “Dave, this is your dream shot. You gotta chase FAME!”
    *Dave dances*
    Debbie: “Pass me the booze… forget this living forever crap…”

    Next, Keith asks Desiree for a deep tissue butt massage, and she is more than happy to comply. I remember Ricky Ricardo’s band on I Love Lucy. I think there was a guy in the back playing the bongos like a mad man. This was kind of like that… except I guess it was butt-gos.

    Bringing the ladies back out, Host Amanda allows them to take their shots at the candidates. Amy makes her umpteenth attempt this show to trash talk, and as all times before, gets burned. Tara asks Lauren who she thinks the biggest drama queen is, and she doesn’t hesitate in picking Amy. Spurring on yet another slam fest.

    The big twist this week is that instead of the men choosing the next guest, this time it will be the ladies. The vote:

    Charla – Desiree
    Kristen – Desiree
    Holly – Lauren
    Tara – Desiree

    No need to read the last vote. The tribe has spoken. Lauren, you need to bring me your torch. Not that I don’t like Desiree, I do, but I wish Lauren would have been picked because she has the most effective pout face I have seen since… well, Charla.

    The next night, Desiree will get to choose her roommate, but for now, it is party welcome time.

    Touch My Monkey

    The next morning, Amy has slipped further into depression. No one else at the hotel will listen to her, so she dumps on the newbie. Desiree listens politely as Amy runs down all of the important strategies of Paradise Hotel. Yeah, Amy is the master strategist. Where are all of your allies again?

    Charla and Keith continue their flirtatious acts. She steps out on a limb and asks him to take a bath with her. He knows now he has the power, and he declines, which leads to another Charla whine-fest with Tara. Charla tries to tell Tara that she is getting annoyed with Keith’s constant flirtations, and he keeps doing it even though she carries around the now broken picture of her ex-boyfriend.

    Now, I am no expert on dating, but here is some advice Charla: Maybe you ought not to be running around half naked and asking him to bathe with you, should you really not want the attention. Call me cynical, but I doubt the sincerity of her conversation with Tara.

    The rest of the hotel occupants are up to their usual strenuous activities. Dave tries to finally find someone he can beat at paddle tennis, but the monkey declines. Speaking of Smokey, we are treated to several scenes of him in action. He is quite the flirt himself, and I gotta say, I am rooting for the monkey to “win”. Not since the cave peeing antics of Magilla on Survivor, Thailand, have I seen this kind of range in primate reality TV performance. I can only hope the Emmy voters were watching.

    Back to Charla and Keith, they are flirting yet again. This time Charla is talking about the little tiny hairs on his chest, and how they grow in a weird pattern. What, are we talking about crop circles here Charla?

    Whipped Cream, It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

    At dinner, Alex receives a suggestion from the producers….er… I mean, he proposes a toast to Desiree, and thinks that they should have a housewarming party for her. The guests quickly set up a makeshift night club in Desiree’s room, complete with the host as a bouncer. It can’t be that exclusive of a club, Dave got in.

    The alcohol flows freely, and soon Desiree has a new game to play involving whipped cream. Basically you spray it on someone’s body, and then you have to lick it off. Tara sprays down Alex’s chest, and then proceeds to take a bite out of him. Tom, knowing that Amanda has a difficult time with directions, sprays a path down his chest. Then, Tom sprays Amy’s arm pit and eats it up. Yeah, it kind of wasn’t sexy anymore from that point on.

    After the many commercial breaks in this show, they like to put up the parental advisory warning on the screen. We all know that is meant to actually attract more viewers, rather than having anything to do with concerns over the youth of America. What does surprise me is that there was nothing on this show that warranted the advisory. Nothing at all. Unless of course you enjoy whipped cream, then your life will never be the same again.

    Dave Loves Charla

    The next morning, Charla is upset. Not really sure why, but it seems to have something to do with Keith, who is busy flirting with Tara.

    As always, Dave is there to help… if only Charla would let him touch her bare skin.

    He makes a trust pledge to Charla, who seems to care less. He listens and tries to comfort her as best he can, from his restraining ordered distance of three feet. Finally, Charla says that “nothing here matters”. This seems to have finally gotten through to Dave, who walks away crushed.

    Sorry Dave, she does not like you. Accept and move on.

    So that should wrap things up right Dave? Right? Dave, where are you going? Noooooo! Soon Dave is making custom arrangements for ice cream and a fried steak dinner to be delivered to Charla’s room. Nothing says “Please, I am begging you! Love me damn it!” like fried steak.

    The waiter arrives with the ice cream, and a note from Dave. Charla looks happy, and reads the note regarding a pending fried steak dinner. How romantic. Charla’s response? “I don’t want fried steak”, followed by a truly impressive pouting face.

    I think at this point, an intervention is in order. Someone needs to step in and save Dave.

    Selection Time

    Time to find out who Desiree is going to sleep with. The producers have spent most of the show trying to convince us that the choice will be Keith, so obviously it will not be. No, instead, it is the monkey man himself, Tom. Charla is noticeably relieved.

    Host Amanda asks Tom if he is happy with the choice. Tom says he is, as this would be his third girl this week. Is that counting you in the dress Tom?

    At dinner, we learn that there will be yet another twist to the game, and this one might just warrant the attention. The hotel guests will vote for a King and Queen the next night (see, that Henry V reference was relevant after all). Further, they will need to nominate each other. This King and Queen will have some powers that are not currently defined.

    The show ends with Tara and Charla talking about how they are on their own in the game. Scott predicts that the game will get uglier now. Finally, Dave says he loves this new political intrigue, as that is his forte. After all, he was in student government! Make some rally buttons Dave, I am sure you must be a shoo-in for election as King; you do have the ears for it.

    Next Week

    The nominees debate the merits of electing them to royalty status. There is a new twist to the guest selection process, and one of the ladies will go home. Bravo Fan will recap the next episode for you. Good luck! Your comments are welcome. Email: bill@fansofrealitytv.com
    Last edited by Bill; 08-19-2003 at 03:07 AM.
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  2. #2
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    I already recapped this darn show once, back in July. I thought there was no chance in Cupid that my turn would roll around again. Yet here I am.
    Hostess Amanda didn't say "FOREVER" when you left last time, did she?
    Nice job, Bill!

  3. #3
    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    Great job, Bill!

    Some of my favorite lines:
    The alcohol flows freely, and soon Desiree has a new game to play involving whipped cream. Basically you spray it on someone’s body, and then you have to lick it off. Tara sprays down Alex’s chest, and then proceeds to take a bite out of him. Tom, knowing that Amanda has a difficult time with directions, sprays a path down his chest. Then, Tom sprays Amy’s arm pit and eats it up. Yeah, it kind of wasn’t sexy anymore from that point on
    So that should wrap things up right Dave? Right? Dave, where are you going? Noooooo! Soon Dave is making custom arrangements for ice cream and a fried steak dinner to be delivered to Charla’s room. Nothing says “Please, I am begging you! Love me damn it!” like fried steak.

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    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    Let us fill the gaps in the wall with our English dead

    The rest of the quote from Henry V.

    Anyway, I liked how you tied Shakespeare in with PH.

    The whole king thing reminds me of Monty Python.

    "I am Arthur, King of the Britons."

    "Who are the Britons?"

    "We all are, and I am your king."

    "Well how'd you become king? I didn't vote for you."

    "You don't vote for kings (unless you're on Paradise Hotel)."
    R.I.P Willie Dog (?/?/1989-12/17/2004). Gone but never forgotten.

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    Also welcome Shasta! (Born ?/?/2004, Adopted 03/??/07)

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    LG.
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    Fantastic recap, Bill, or shall we call you William, as in Shakespeare. Hal 5 is one of my favorite of Shakespeare's "historics" and you did a terrific job of showing us the unifying theme of classical literature and reality tv.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

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    Fort Freak! funnygirl422's Avatar
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    Valiant effort. Too bad you didn't have better to work with.

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    I think at this point, an intervention is in order. Someone needs to step in and save Dave.
    I already volunteered for this job. I could use a week away with free food. And booze, even though I don't drink. With a pool. I mean, c'mon. We've all dated worse. MUCH worse.

    And I'd quote you, Apple, but I'm too lazy, but you make-a me laugh.
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    Sexy evil genius Paulie's Avatar
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    Excellent job, Bill! You had me from the beginning with the Shakespeare reference. Well done!

    Some of my favorite quotes:

    I mean this living in paradise stuff is starting to wear on these poor folks.
    ----
    Clay “Disgusto-pelvic-thrust” Aiken ()
    ----
    I am rooting for the monkey to “win”. Not since the cave peeing antics of Magilla on Survivor, Thailand, have I seen this kind of range in primate reality TV performance. I can only hope the Emmy voters were watching.
    I must say, too, that I'm disappointed to hear that Lauren of the Popping Shirt was rejected a second time. Did her shirt at least burst open this time, as well? On accident, of course?
    When you're ten years old and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again. - Jack Handey

    Read Paulie's Precaps for Survivor:Vanuatu: 1-2-3-4-5

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    FORT Fan xkissluvx's Avatar
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    Yet another wonderful recap.

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    JR.
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    Bill, it's ok to admit your love for this mess, we're all freinds here

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