Paradise Hotel 8/13 Recap - Is That A Monkey In Your Pocket?
After my last recapping stint, I never thought I’d be here again. One recap, and I could wash my hands of the show. You know, check out of Paradise FOREVER! Yeah, right. The first class cheese (but last-class show) is back like an antibiotic-resistant strain of the clap, which is likely spreading rampantly amongst the guests on this show. It’s got me hook, line and sinker. Yeah, I love fishing. Babe Winkleman is a stud-muffin. Anyway, like JR. and so many other fellow former recappers of this “show,” I find myself actually looking forward to Paradise Hotel night. *sigh* So, here we go.
We begin with a ten minute “previously” segment, in which we are reminded that Amy is a psycho, Keith and Beau are going on an excursion, Dave is a raging dork, Tom arrives here in Paradise, and are greeted with the first clip of Alex cheating.
Dramatic Voiceover Man tells us what to expect tonight on Paradise Hotel, and much to my dismay the opening credits start to roll. Man, I hate this song. I bet Eddie Money is rolling in his grave. Oh, Eddie Money isn’t dead? He’s probably getting royalties everytime they air this theme song? I hate Eddie Money too, then. Damn you, this is miserable . . . oh, wait, what’s this? Introducing Tom and Smokey, his sock monkey? Hee hee hee. The bleeding ears are almost worth it, to see that. I’ll be none of the ‘hos in the HOtel will come between this man and his monkey.
The mostly new footage begins with several shots of an empty hotel, and I get my hopes up. Maybe they all went home! Oh, wait. Dave. Alone, he says that it became clear the biggest winners from casino night were Keith and Alex. Dave wants to get their money and get rid of the person of his choice, and as Scott reminds us, the biggest winner has the power to send someone home. Nothing short of an intervention, however, has the ability to send me away from this show.
Dave and Scott are talking. Dave is trying to get Scott’s money, Holly’s money and Beau’s money from Scott. Not sure why Scott has Beau’s money, as that probably occurred while the crew was fully occupied editing another 10 minute recap segment for a show with only 5 minutes of “plot” tops.
Charla and Tara are talking. Amy has been trying to get them to not trust Dave. Dave’s been loyal to Charla his entire stay on the show despite her public castration of him at Pandora’s Box weeks ago that she hates it when he touches her skin, but sure, let’s believe Amy instead. Tara and Charla agree that they just have to trust each other, and Charla says one of the more bizarre lines of Paradise Hotel with, “know we’ve got your back and your front.” Thinking we may get to see some girl-on-girl action, thousands of male viewers fall right off the edge of their couches. I’d say millions, but this show isn’t that popular. They both laugh at that, and Tara notices Tom coming down for breakfast.
Cue the wacky music. Tom, standing alone where the guys eat breakfast, wants to know why he’s always the first one there. I’m still trying to figure out why, on a show with “survival” based on one’s popularity with the opposite sex, they always eat breakfast at “girls” and “boys” tables like kindergarteners. Well, not exactly like kindergarteners, as they aren’t eating paste.
The wacky music becomes highly dramatic as Dave and Scott continue to scheme about the money, and what to do with it. Scott’s got some great stock tips, and Dave thinks they should invest in Marvin’s Gardens and Park Place, as they can be a quite lucrative investments for fake money. What is the budget for this show that they can’t even afford color copies for their simulated winnings?
The boys arrive for breakfast. Tom wants to know he’s always the first retard down here for breakfast. Well at least Tom knows they’re retards. Dave tells him it’s because you’re supposed to be fashionably late to breakfast at Paradise. Lateness is the only fashion sense Dave has exhibited in nearly a month on this show, but I digress. Tom is still learning his way around, but Smokey is noticeably absent from breakfast. You’d think they’d be serving bananas in a tropical paradise and he couldn’t keep a monkey away, but then again, this is a man who knows how to manage his monkey. Good monkey.
Alex and Keith… wait, hello Keith! Dayum, he’s lookin' fine. Alex is talking to Keith about casino night and tells Keith he saw him with at least 15 chips. Keith just sits there with a sexy smirk and sexy sunglasses on looking sexy. Mmm. But then the camera pans over to Dave, upsetting me greatly. Dave and Alex continue to talk about casino night, and no one is sure who has the most money.
Cue clips two, three, four, and five of Alex cheating.
The camera is back on Keith. Yay! He’s not saying anything, just smirking as Dave talks about Kristin announcing Dave’s bets. Dave says his favorite thing about that was the way Kristin was so subtle in bellowing his bets across the casino. Dave shouldn’t be dissin’ the only woman in Paradise who has ever kissed him. No wonder it was a one-time event.
An envelope arrives at breakfast for “Mr. Tom”. It’s the excursion envelope and Beau tells him to read it out loud. Mr. Tom gets to bring Mr. Beau and Mr. Keith on an afternoon of trophy deep sea fishing. They all seem excited about this, and I can’t figure out why. Fishing? Ok, I was lying before, Babe Winkleman notwithstanding, fishing is mind-numbingly dull. Unless of course you’re crab fishing on a commercial boat off the Alaskan coast where the fisherman get paid huge bucks because someone dies practically daily. Then it isn’t dull, but it still sucks. And you smell all fishy. Good thing we don’t have scent-o-vision, as Keith still looks quite yummy despite his proximity to fish and stinky chum.
Tom and Beau wear these goofy fishing hats, but Keith wears a backwards baseball cap. Beau has never been deep sea fishing but Keith tells him it’s the “funnest time” he’ll ever have. I think being in the backseat of a car with Keith would be “funner” than deep sea fishing, but maybe that’s just me… Is it wrong that I was hoping Keith would accidentally snag Beau in his pathetic blonde soul patch with a huge hook while casting just to spice it up a bit?
The drinking on the boat starts before they even leave the harbor. There’s a little montage of the three of them doing a dork dance. Thankfully they cut away before the guys all do the Macarena, as that song is even tougher to get out of your head than the insipid theme song for this show. Just try to NOT think about the Macarena song right now. Don’t do it. Heeeeey, Macarena.
Later on, Keith says there’s a lot of money at stake. He knows Alex has a pixel-mouth load of money, because he stole it. Beau seems surprised to hear this, and we are greeted with clips 6 and 7 of the Great Casino Robbery. Keith is confident no-one made more than him by honest betting. Beau and Keith agree that Alex’s stealing was low. Low is a relative measure here at Paradise Hotel, as “heights” of morality involve Alex dumping hot wax on Holly’s boobs when he hardly knows her while “depths” involve Keith trying to play the game by eliminating an annoying threat.
Back at the hotel, Scott and Holly are in Scott’s room. Scott thinks Holly is looking hot, and Holly says “of course.” It’s good thing she doesn’t talk more often or I’d be tempted to smack her. The two of them then get in to a kinky discussion about spanking, and who likes it and who doesn’t. Wait, is that Smokey the Monkey creeping around the corner? Bad monkey, needs a spanking. Speaking of the action in Dave’s room . . . oh wait, that’s not the next scene. Even Fox has its limits.
On the boat, Beau says he trusts no one, but he trusts Alex the least. Then he goes into a speech about how he trusts Amy and how she trusts him. Uhhh, either Amy is no one to Beau, or he needs to work on his math skills. I think it may be a math-related problem for Beau, as he fails to grasp this very basic syllogism: 1 Annoying Amy minus 1 Arrogant Zach equals 1 Too Many Annoying Amys still in Paradise. Beau tries to shock Keith by telling the bronzed god that Alex wanted him gone. Keith basically says no duh, as Tom sits on the back of the boat and misses Smokey. At least the monkey talks to him. Keith tells Beau that everyone wanted him gone.
As we go to commercial, we have the eighth clip of the evening of Alex’s stealing. Gee, the way they keep focusing on it, they must be disqualifying Alex or something. Unless it is Not-very-subtle Foreshadowing’s stupid cousin, Fake Foreshadowing. Could it be? At risk of using even more fishing references in this recap, I think we may have just caught a Red Herring.
Keith and Charla in their bathroom in the morning. Charla is talking about Keith’s crush on Tara. Keith denies it, and Charla says I think you do like her. Keith insists they just flirt, and then these two flirt some more. A bit later, Keith has stuff in his teeth and asks Charla if she wants some. Charla tries to get away when Keith tries to kiss her, which is different to wrapping her legs around him like a boa constrictor, squeezing him like a tube of toothpaste, and saying “give it to me baby” like I would have.
Alone, Keith says casino night ticked him off. We see Alex’s cheating clips nine, ten, eleven, twelve and thirteen. The cheating makes Keith mad, and makes him wonder who’s really trustworthy. Clearly not Alex, Keith. Captain Obvious must be on vacation this week, as I’m not sure that Keith is grasping this concept. In beautiful Keith’s defense, he hasn’t seen “The Big Cheat” videotape more than a dozen times in the last hour. Hey Keith, I’ll tutor you in the finer points of trust games in person after you’re out of the Hotel and send me an email at email@example.com because you found my recap while surfing the net for articles about yourself. Don’t act like he isn’t going to. Who the hell wouldn’t want to see what people have been writing about them after they’re on a TV show? Well, maybe TAR3’s Flo, but besides that, my offer still stands, Keith.
A group of the guests are in someone’s room. Kristin confesses to stealing chips, and laughs about it. She says she feels good about stealing the chips. Taking more than my fair share of Baked Lays is risky enough, I don’t need the “thrill” of stealing chips from a casino. If this was a Vegas Casino we’d be seeing Kristin’s face on milkboxes by now, as they don’t take kindly to gambling cheaters.
Keith schemes with Scott and Alex. Alex wants Beau gone, that he has too many conflicting stories and everyone is upset at him. Keith says he has no reason not to trust Alex, cut in with a clip of Alex saying, “We want Keith gone”, and not to mention that whole stealing thing. But, the three agree to give their money to Dave to get rid of Beau. I guess Keith can get behind a plan to get rid of pretty much anyone other than Keith. He’s “got” the point of this show, cute and smart, what a catch.
Later on at the bar, Dave tells Keith that Charla still wants him to get rid of Alex. Keith dares Dave to do that. Still at the bar, Dave asks Amy who she wants gone. Tara walks up to the public bar to get a drink, and Amy flips out about her hovering and trying to eavesdrop on the conversation. Tara leaves before she smacks Amy. Dave kisses his roommate’s ass (this guy hasn’t completely abandoned his hope to get lucky somehow while on the show, good for Dave, you just stay positive buddy) thanks her as she goes, and asks Amy again. Amy says she wants Scott gone, not Keith after vowing several times to get rid of him. Riiiight.
Amy tracks Tara down and starts going off at Tara for hanging around people when they’re having conversations because damnit, it’s Amy’s hotel and Tara can’t do what she pleases! Tara says, “right, that’s it,” grabs Amy by the hair and smashes her acne-infested face into the concrete. Oh wait, that’s just my fantasy. She says she doesn’t care what Amy talks about and walks away.
Dave and Tara in their room. Tara wants to know what the conversation was about, and Dave tells her. When Tara asks who Amy said she wanted eliminated, Dave actually keeps his word and doesn’t tell Tara. Not that it matters, because without scary Toni or egomaniacal Zach around, Amy pretty much is a non-entity on this show.
In Amy and Beau’s room, Amy is still going on about Tara doing nothing wrong. Beau agrees, saying that it’s annoying. How dare someone else exist, especially a newbie. These two are a couple of geniuses.
Dave is trying to tell Tara how Amy thinks and why she might have gone off at her. Not that he’s defending her or anything! Tara says that her friends don’t talk to her like that and that she doesn’t take that from people. She then gets up and drop kicks Amy in the craterface. Wait, fantasy again.
Dave and Keith are discussing which of the girls they want gone, and seem to agree on Amy or Kristin. Charla is in the bathroom primping, and comes out wanting to know if she’s missing something. Dave tells her that she’s not, and Keith and Dave keep scheming. Charla comes out and demands to be filled in, so Dave follows her into the bathroom and kicks Keith out. He gets kind of mad at Charla, who denies doing anything wrong, and then leaves him hanging when he tries to hug her. Obviously, Dave doesn’t remember the no touching rules, but still. Ouch. Charla brushes her hair repeatedly until Dave leaves with his tail between his legs. That isn’t his tail? Oh my!
Tom and Smokey are in Tom’s room getting ready. Dave, Keith and Charla are in there too and get introduced to Smokey. Someone must have farted because Tom says Smokey wants air, and to go outside and play. He then says he’d be upset if Smokey got stolen. Charla says she has a feeling someone is going to kidnap him. Dave tells Charla she’s evil, but Dave means “evil” in a cute, sly way, and not in a testosterone-raging bitch from Hell like Toni kind of way.
Time for Pandora’s Box. Question one is for Tom. From what you’ve seen on TV, which guy and girl do you think are playing the game the most? Tom says that Dave is, and Dave is complimented. He says Tara is the other one playing the game the most. She asks if it was because of the “Amanda thing”, you know, just that small little instance when she stabbed her alliance in the back. We get to see a clip of Tara, Charla and Amanda’s (the we all end in “A” alliance) pledge to “all be there next week” and then Tara dropping the axe on Amanda.
The second question is for Holly. Don’t you think you’re making Tom look like a jackass by running off with Scott? Holly says no one spends all day with their roommate, and anyway, that’s not what she’s trying to do. Tom doesn’t need anyone’s help in looking like a jackass.
The final question is for Beau. People have heard you say you want Keith and Alex out, which one is it or is it someone else completely? Beau says that he did say that, and Kristin interrupts and says “Well which one?” impatiently. Gee, do you think Kristin asked this question? Beau tells her to let him finish, and says that he does want both of them gone and babbles about trust. We cut to a clip of an oily Beau tanning, telling Dave that he’s the only one he trusts. First it was no one, now Amy, and now Dave. Apparently Beau can’t trust his own memory anymore, but Fox is very helpful in providing video reminders to the viewing audience.
Alex and Kristin are talking as they walk to their room. Alex says some people want them broken up. Alex tells Kristin about the plan to give Dave the money, and after Keith joins them, they all agree to ditch Beau and give Dave the money.
Alone, Alex says the originals are like a sinking ship and he has to ditch them while he can. Of course they show the clip where just one week ago, Alex said he would stick with the originals even if he was the last one there. An “alliance” of one person, that is “original” Alex.
Dave shows up and says that Amy will go nuts, but everyone is behind him, so he agrees to take the money and get rid of Beau. Everyone but Beau and Tom give Dave their money, and so now Dave has the most money. He’s the most powerful man in Paradizzle, and will be sending one of the lucky boys home.
In Scott’s room, Dave asks him why no one is making a big deal about the cheating. Scott claims he didn’t know about it. Dave says that he’s closer to Beau than to Alex, and the two of them express concern about not getting rid of Alex when they can, and having that come back and haunt them.
Cue wacky music. Tom is dressed up in a dress, and expressed a need for fake boobs. Kristin appears. OK, not really. Dave comes in to the room, and Tara tells him you weren’t supposed to see. Dave says to Tom that he will never live this down, and leaves. Tom chickens out and changes out of the dress into, um, boys clothes. Why was he dressed in Charla’s shimmery dress in the first place? Did Smokey tell Tom he looked good in gold foil? How can anyone who isn’t a Barbie Doll fit in Charla’s dress, let alone a man? We don’t get to see the answers to any of these questions nor do we get to see Tom change, as we’re on to the next scene.
Dave finds Alex and Keith in the bathroom and tells them about the dress. They all laugh. Back in the room, Tara calls Kristin (see, I knew with the fake boob mention she couldn’t be far away) and tells her that Tom nearly left with a dress on, and was irritated with Dave for coming in. In the bathroom, Dave says that he tried but “with the monkey, and the blankie…” Keith interrupts him and laughs about the monkey.
It’s elimination time. Amanda Byram once again explains the rules of casino night. Dave has the power to eliminate someone, and is quickly catching on that it’s not so much fun. Dave is debating in his head between sending home Beau or Alex.
Amanda tries to build suspense, but fails. I’ll spare you the lame attempt, and tell you Alex picks Kristin, Tom picks Amy, Beau picks Amy too, Scott picks Holly, Keith picks Charla, and Tara gets left out. Amy has to pick between Beau and Tom, so she picks Beau and Tom goes to Tara who calls him leftovers. What are you, Tara, besides the ‘do-rag wearing chick who didn’t get picked when pizza-faced Amy had two guys vying to be her roommate?
Dave finally gets to pick and, heads over to Amy, sending Beau home. For some reason, there’s a clip of Keith in a towel, but I’m not complaining. Mmm. Towel.
Beau gives a farewell speech about how much he hates everyone here, and kicks his heels together as he goes. Kristin says, well that was insulting. Ah, so she’s not completely stupid then.
Dave tells Amy he feels horrible, but Amy is speechless. Dave says he wanted to send Alex home, and tells Amy that Alex gave him money. Amy didn’t know this, and that Alex gave Dave the money he stole from her. We see another clip of the stealing.
Drunk Holly is crying to Tom about Beau leaving. Tom just wants to see his monkey, not comfort a drunk girl. Holly is only just realizing that everyone is lying to her. She must not have ever watched the show before joining the cast just last week.
Amy goes upstairs to find Alex and Kristin, and when she does, she goes off at them for not telling her about the money. Her argument is weak, but Kristin is evil. Amy says you plotted against me, but Kristin says, we plotted against a whole 'nother person. Hah. They continue arguing, and the episode ends with Amy saying she won’t backstab to win. Could this be a premonition to more Fake Foreshadowing? Not if Amy gets booted before she gets a chance to plant a knife in Kristin’s back. Until next week, pass the disinfectant and hug your monkey.