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Thread: 8/04 Recap - "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not after me"

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    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    8/04 Recap - "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not after me"

    Greetings, and welcome back to another recap of Paradise Hotel. Once again, my name is Amanda, and it is my singular pleasure to dissect the intricacies of this wicked, wicked game for you for the second episode in a row. You may be asking yourself how I got so lucky. Did I cast an evil spell over the rest of the writers? Do I have compromising photos of one or more members of the FoRT administrative staff? Did I pick the short straw? The answer, loyal viewers, is none of the above. I just happened to be the only one who volunteered. On Sunday. And then I tried to pass it off, but with no luck. I must admit, however, that I was curious to find out what all the crying on this episode was about, so at least I was able to rationalize watching it by saying that I had a duty to write it up afterwards. I’m good at lying to myself. So let’s find out exactly what all the crying was about, shall we?

    When we last left Paradise, the times, they were a‘changing. The Toni/Amy/Kristin reign of terror was being threatened by enfant terribles Charla, Tara, Dave and Keith. Will the neophytes have the fortitude to dethrone the originals? All in good time, my pretties…

    And don't feed them after midnight, either...
    Tonight’s episode begins with Toni, Tara and Amy deciding that one of the best ways to show disdain for the men is to splash them with water. On a hot summer’s day. In a tropical locale. Unless the men are secretly Gremlins or the aliens from “Signs”, I don’t see how this is such a bad thing. In fact, the only purpose it seems to serve is that it allows for the requisite bikini-clad ass shot. I think that death and taxes fall one rung below this weekly shot in the “things you can count on” category.

    Deja vu...
    Moving on, the plotting and smack-talking is heating up. People think that Scott is playing both sides. Dave reminds us of the power of the new alliance. Scott works Holly hardcore. Toni, Amy and Kristin discuss Charla’s weakness. They all engage in a spirited debate about the economic trials and tribulations of post Cold-War Russia. Oh wait. That was where my mind wandered to during this montage of things we’ve already seen a hundred times before. I’m starting to believe that the producers of the show have made a deal with the camera crew that every show they’ll use a minimum of 15 minutes of footage from the previous episode. But I digress…

    Crybaby: Not just a terrible Johnny Depp movie
    Shortly after being reminded how weak Charla is, we see her crying. A lot. We’re talking full-on bawling so hard that she’s damn near choking. Don’t get excited; I said “damn near” choking. Maybe next time. She tells the camera that this is the hardest thing she’s ever gone through. Poor girl. Living at a luxury resort for the summer MUST be rough. My heart goes out to her. Toni comes in and begins to comfort her. Charla tells Toni that she thinks she could cry for 8 more hours. Not 7, not 9. Eight, and not one hour longer. Toni hugs her and strokes her hair. I’m waiting for her to offer up a binky and sing a lullaby, but to no avail. Toni leaves her to wallow in her misery.

    Next up: differential equations
    As we return from the (merciful) commercial break, we flash back to last week’s episode where they tell Holly about her two overnight dates. I’m actually glad that they recycled this footage, because I missed something last time. After Holly reads her card aloud, Beau yells “You get two!” See, had they not shown this again, I wouldn’t have realized that Beau is, in fact, a math major. Or, at the very least, a Mensa candidate. Holly decides that she wants to go with “someone I can have fun with.” Never a bad strategy, Holly. She must have been as impressed with Beau’s grasp of arithmetic as I was, because she picks him for date #2. Before they leave, Amy cautions Beau not to send any false signals. Aww, that’s sweet. Amy is looking out for Holly’s well-being. Oh. Wait. No she isn’t. She’s insuring that Beau is still available for her to pick. Insecure much, Amy?

    Slowly back AWAY from the candles...
    On the date, which, incidentally, looks to be at the exact same location as Holly’s date with Scott (all together now: “two for one deal” ), Beau pumps Holly for game-related information. He wants to know whom she likes at the hotel. She says she likes Toni, Kristin and Keith. Toni is her favorite girl. He tells her that new women always intimidate the girls. It may very well be the least romantic or intimate conversation in the history of the world, making it all the more surprising when they end up in the pool together. Or at least it would, if they weren’t so awkward about it. They decide to play with candle wax, possibly imitating people they’ve seen in sensual scenes on television or movies. I hate to get all Dr. Ruth here, but a word of advice: if you’re not actually into candle wax, just don’t use it. Please. If you’re obviously uncomfortable with the whole scene and have to ask questions like “how do I do this?”, you’re just not ready for it. Holly, if you ever read this, there are far better ways to get men to notice your admittedly ample bosom. Like pointing to it and saying “look at these!” Just a thought. After the really embarrassing swim, the two escapees retire for the evening, keeping things purely platonic.

    One of these kids is doing his own thing...
    Back in Paradise, Keith is once again being grilled about the ousting of Zack. This time it’s the men administering the inquisition, led by Alex. Alex tells Keith that after he booted Zack, 95% of the people in the hotel were gunning for him. Questionable math, Alex. Too bad Beau isn’t there to give you a hand with it. After a lot of repetitive back-and-forth (mainly comprised of Keith saying “I wanted to win. I wanted to win. I wanted to win.”), Alex concedes that the game is changing, and perhaps he needs to change along with it. Compromise or wishy-washiness? You make the call.

    Insipid soliloquy...
    In one of the more touching ( read: “asinine and vomit-inducing” ) moments of the show, Amy has a heartfelt monologue, in which she expresses how much she misses Zack. She says “I am going to go to sleep by myself and wake up by myself in the morning.” My guess is that this isn’t the first night she’s spent alone in her life, nor will it be the last. She then informs us that she’s going to cry herself to sleep. I try to muster up some sympathy for her, but fail miserably. Frankly, I’m more concerned about my own sleep this evening. The possibility of Paradise Hotel-related night terrors is a real threat. After a “Goodnight, Zack”, the lights go out.

    One more time, for the people in the back...
    The next morning, Beau and Holly return from their date and join the others at their respective breakfast tables. Beau assures Scott that he didn’t kiss Holly. He also assures everyone that Holly isn’t targeting anyone in particular, especially Toni. They all agree that Toni is becoming more and more paranoid. At the girls’ table, Toni, in a beautiful piece of editing, proves the men correct. Before Holly even has a chance to get comfortable, Toni goes off. She tells everyone “My instincts are back up. And I mean that they are back UP.” So wait. Are they back up? After a few minutes of incoherent ramblings, she warns everyone that they are NOT to suck up to Holly. Holly is to be allowed to make up her own mind without any coercion. And just in case she wasn’t clear as to whom her tirade was directed, she specifically targets Charla and Tara as the culprits. She then leaves the table, looking not unlike Rocky as she runs up the stairs. Thanks to Toni, I’ve had “Eye of The Tiger” in my head for 16 hours. She better hope I don’t run into her on the street. (I’ll be carrying a stun gun. I’m not foolish enough to try to tackle her unarmed.)

    After breakfast, Charla complains to Dave about Toni’s outburst. She tells Dave lots of things she wanted to say to Toni, including “What makes you think you should be here more than any of the other girls?” Charla, here’s a novel idea: if you wanted to say it to her, then SAY IT TO HER. Even if Toni walked away, you could have followed. Grow up.

    Hypocritical much?
    In an excellent exemplification of “do as I say, not as I do”, Toni spends some quality time with Holly, telling her how pretty she is. How confident she is. How supremely awesome and wonderful and tremendous she is. And how she’ll see how things get when safety is no longer guaranteed. Paranoia is inevitable.

    Th-th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!
    Since today is check-out time for one of the ladies, the plotting begins in earnest. Scott decides to have a heart-to-heart with Charla, to try to figure out where her head is. Unfortunately, Scott is possibly the worst speaker I’ve ever seen in my life, and stumbles over his tongue, a la Porky Pig. He basically just wants to know “is everything cool?”, to which Charla answers yes. She’s not giving up too much information to Scott, and this only exacerbates his stuttering. After he leaves, she says that she doesn’t trust him one bit.

    "I'm calling Goofy!"
    Back in Toni’s room, she’s telling Amy that there’s been a change of plans. She’s now to go for Beau. I’m a little confused now, because I thought that was the plan all along. Call me crazy, but when Amy told Beau “I’m coming to you this week” when she was warning him to behave on his date with Holly, I thought it meant she was coming to him. Guess not. In Paradise, this means she was actually going to Scott. So she tells Toni, “No, I’m going to Scott.” Toni says “No. You’re going to Beau. Holly’s going to Scott.” For the first time I notice that Scott is actually in the room, and Amy sits down and starts issuing him ultimatums. “Who’s it going to be, Scott? Me or her?” Scott asks Amy if she’s saying that he shouldn’t have even talked to Holly. Amy, blowing my mind, says “Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.” I love this. That would have made for some hilarious t.v. on the overnight Scott/Holly date. Unfortunately, that’s not how it worked out, and Amy is trying to plead her case to Scott, coming off badly in the process. In the midst of this, Beau calls and is told that it’s not a good time. He doesn’t like this, as he is evidently a 12-year-old girl who REALLY wants to talk on the phone. Regardless, there are bigger issues at stake here. Toni decides that it’s time to jump into the fray, telling Scott “I wouldn’t go to you even if you were a free pick. You wouldn’t choose me anyway.” Way to be endearing, Toni. Beau calls back, and is summarily hung up on. This makes him even more unhappy, and I’m thinking that one of those Mickey Mouse telephones that have recorded messages on them might be a good gift for Beau’s next birthday. Scott gets angry and leaves the room. Beau gets up and walks the ten feet to Amy’s room, where he proceeds to chew her out about not talking to him on the phone. Seriously, what’s next? Falling on the ground and beating it with his fists, screaming “I wanna talk on the phone! I wanna talk on the PHONE!!”? He complains that they aren’t telling him anything, and that if they’re going to hide things from him that they shouldn’t be surprised when he acts on his own accord.

    Don't let the door hit ya...
    And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Who will go with whom? Since Holly roomed alone this week, she’s safe. Nobody can challenge her for the man she chooses. That being said, she picks Scott, because she feels that they connected.

    Beau must have been coaching Amanda on her math, because she points out that there are 5 women left, and only 4 men. Will Hunting has nothing on this chick.

    Next is Tara, who picks Dave. When asked why, she answers that it’s because she feels safe with him. I have to point something out here. I never noticed this before, but Dave and Tara really resemble one another. I’m serious. If any of you have this show on tape, go back and look at her standing behind him. They could be brother and sister.

    Kristin is next, and she picks Alex. She comments on how cute they are together, and I take a shot of whiskey. Is this show OVER yet? Kristin’s eyebrows are tweezed within an inch of their lives. This isn’t relevant, but it IS weird, so I had to comment.

    Toni is up, and it’s the moment of truth. She says that she’s more concerned with saving Amy than she is with saving herself, and she chooses Keith. She’s crying, but she wants to “take the bullet” for her friend.

    Amy, prolonging things far longer than they need to be prolonged, walks up to the guys and looks around as if she doesn’t know whom she’ll choose. For the first time I really wish I were a Paradise guest, as it would have been nice to shove her in the back. After hugging Toni, she predictably chooses Beau, talking about how much she trusts him.

    Now it’s Charla’s turn, and she’s crying her little eyes out. I’m starting to see how Charla stays so tiny. All that crying has to be tantamount to 45 minutes on a Stairmaster. She shuffles over to Keith, knowing that she just signed Toni’s death certificate. As Keith confirms this, Toni actually shocks me. She handles herself with a surprising amount of dignity, saying goodbye to everyone with class. I applaud her for this, as I’ve seen some really ugly exit scenes from these types of shows. I guess the fact that she’s a professional reality show contestant has finally come in handy. We watch a montage of Toni’s highlights (and lowlights) as a guest in the house, and then she’s gone. In the aftermath, some seem happy to be rid of her, others will miss her very much. All seem to agree that she made a HUGE impact on the game, and it won’t be the same without her. Is this true? Tune in next week to find out.

  2. #2
    just let go... Delia's Avatar
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    Nice recap! Then again, you always do a great recap!

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    FORT Fan xkissluvx's Avatar
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    Once again an excellent recap.

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    Loaded God Complex MajiH's Avatar
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    EXCELLENT JOB! Laughed my ass off. It's always good to read the great recaps here because it reminds me of things I had blessedly forgotten about, like all those bikini clad bottoms HANGING over the railing last night. Um, thanks for that image again.

    Where is the Clorox?

  5. #5
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaG
    Beau yells “You get two!” See, had they not shown this again, I wouldn’t have realized that Beau is, in fact, a math major. Or, at the very least, a Mensa candidate.

    She better hope I don’t run into her on the street. (I’ll be carrying a stun gun. I’m not foolish enough to try to tackle her unarmed.)

    He doesn’t like this, as he is evidently a 12-year-old girl who REALLY wants to talk on the phone.

    Dave and Tara really resemble one another.


    Very good Amanda. You capture the essence of Paradise Hotel!

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    Mickey Mouse telephones??!?!?!?

    BAAHAAA Fabulous, and I'm a girl that doesn't say "fabulous". Good work, Amanda
    di

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    Kat
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    Excellent recap! I particularly love the Beau jokes, you can never get enough of those! When I saw Tara and Dave, I realised they looked a lot alike too! Not sure if that's a good thing...
    -Kat

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    great recap. i was also suprised that toni didn't flip out on anyone. and what is the deal with her willing to take a "bullet " for amy, are the orig. really all that close and does she think amy would do the same for her???? oh, i forgot it is because of the respect they all had for zach.. yuk..

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    Fort Freak! funnygirl422's Avatar
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    Wonderful, wonderful recap. I've been waiting all day for this. I knew you would find a way to put it all in perspective for us. Thanks!

  10. #10
    Play ball!! melpepinla's Avatar
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    Another wonderfully written recap AmandaG! Below is a few of my favorite bits...

    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaG
    Crybaby: Not just a terrible Johnny Depp movie
    Best headline EVER!!

    Next up: differential equations
    As we return from the (merciful) commercial break, we flash back to last week’s episode where they tell Holly about her two overnight dates. I’m actually glad that they recycled this footage, because I missed something last time. After Holly reads her card aloud, Beau yells “You get two!” See, had they not shown this again, I wouldn’t have realized that Beau is, in fact, a math major. Or, at the very least, a Mensa candidate. Holly decides that she wants to go with “someone I can have fun with.” Never a bad strategy, Holly. She must have been as impressed with Beau’s grasp of arithmetic as I was, because she picks him for date #2.
    and
    Beau must have been coaching Amanda on her math, because she points out that there are 5 women left, and only 4 men. Will Hunting has nothing on this chick.
    I too, was thinking that Beau's intelligence was absolutely hilarious!! Wonderful Beau, master of the obvious and genius to boot!! And bringing back a previous joke from earlier in the recap? Fabu!!

    Before Holly even has a chance to get comfortable, Toni goes off. She tells everyone “My instincts are back up. And I mean that they are back UP.” So wait. Are they back up?
    Toni loves repeating herself and stating things over and over but in different ways. Good 'ole Toni...

    For the first time I notice that Scott is actually in the room, and Amy sits down and starts issuing him ultimatums. “Who’s it going to be, Scott? Me or her?” Scott asks Amy if she’s saying that he shouldn’t have even talked to Holly. Amy, blowing my mind, says “Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.” I love this. That would have made for some hilarious t.v. on the overnight Scott/Holly date. Unfortunately, that’s not how it worked out, and Amy is trying to plead her case to Scott, coming off badly in the process?
    Holy Shamoley! How could I have forgotten this part? The best 5 minutes of the show so far!!

    Now it’s Charla’s turn, and she’s crying her little eyes out. I’m starting to see how Charla stays so tiny. All that crying has to be tantamount to 45 minutes on a Stairmaster.
    BWAAAHAAAHAAA!!! Again, great job!!
    I think Johnny Damon has the SWEETEST mullet in major league baseball!

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