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Thread: 7/30/03 Recap - "Beware of skanks bearing gifts"

  1. #1
    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    7/30/03 Recap - "Beware of skanks bearing gifts"

    Greetings, and welcome back to another recap of what is arguably the show that shall bring down Western civilization as we know it: Paradise Hotel. My name is Amanda, and I’ll be your recapper for this installment. Before we begin, I’d like to thank my fellow FoRT writers for giving me the opportunity of a lifetime. In much the same way as street gangs “jump in” new members, so too am I battered and bruised by the hour I spent in Paradise. Luckily for the administrative staff here, my wounds are purely psychological.

    And so it begins…
    We begin tonight with Dramatic Voiceover Man promising us that Paradise Hotel is the place where “every desire is fulfilled”. This intrigues me. If I were chosen as a guest here, would I have my desire for world peace fulfilled? My desire for universal healthcare? My desire to have this show eradicated from the airwaves forever? Alas, we may never know. We’re also told that in Paradise, either you “pair up, or you go home.” I believe Noah said the same thing to the unicorns, but I digress…

    Hell hath no fury…
    We start off the evening with Amy. Amy is not happy. In fact, Amy is downright pissed. Because she’s wearing a really ugly shirt and has bad hair? No, that isn’t it. Amy is furious with Keith for being the cause of Zack’s departure from Paradise … FOREVER. Amy screeches that Keith is “selfish”, and wants to know “what did we do to you?!?” Keith quite reasonably explains that he wants to win. Amy asks him “Are you God?” At this point, I have every appendage on my body crossed, hoping that Keith says “Why yes, yes I am.” I was in the mood for some smiting. Sadly, my desire was NOT fulfilled, and Keith just tells her to stop acting like a two-year-old. Amy takes this advice to heart, and bumps it up a notch to acting like a twelve year old, getting in Keith’s face & bellowing “I WILL see you gone.” Well alrighty then, Amy. Here’s a thought: Prozac. It supposedly works wonders.

    And in this corner…
    Amy’s tirade is cut short, and we move on to the addition of a new female contestant. Unlike previous weeks, this time both host Amanda & the two prospects are actually IN Paradise. These “sexy singles” are going to be interviewed by the male members of the hotel, while, unbeknownst to them, the female members watch on a monitor. Let’s meet our potential skanks, shall we?

    First up is Holly, a 22 year old “fine jewelry” saleswoman from Pennsylvania. ( Read: Holly spends most of her day sorting the “Italian Princess” 10K charms from the dollar sign rings. ) Holly is a perky brunette who describes herself as “outgoing and a believer of love at first sight”. She also uses the word “like” more than I would have thought humanly possible.

    Next is Whitney, a 28-year-old blonde from Florida. She is a physical therapist who just wants a vacation away from work and bills, and she can “get along with everyone.” I know now why I’d never be picked for this show. My description would run along the lines of “Amanda is a surly 29 year old from Chicago who doesn’t get along with anybody, and will probably end up telling off the entire cast.” So much for world peace.

    And the questions begin. Dave, in one of those moments where you’re so embarrassed for the person that you just want to die, asks “I believe in love at first sight” Holly if she’s feeling any of that for him. Holly says no, and Dave’s face falls. Let us not forget that Dave’s face falling can very likely be responsible for any seismic activity in the PH region that evening, so homeowners with broken knick-knacks – call FOX. Alex then asks both women which female they don’t think they’ll get along with, and why? Whitney says that she thinks she’ll have trouble with Amy, since she doesn’t like new people. Holly says Charla is too quiet. Fairly diplomatic answers by both, but we see the women acting as if they were each horribly insulted. Whatever. Scott directs his question to Holly, saying “You said in your video clip that you’re not afraid to walk up to a guy and say or do anything. Come show me what you mean.” I look to see if Amanda is going to pass Holly a set of kneepads, but Holly walks straight over to Scott and sits on his lap. Oooh, that’s racy. Just like the thousands of kids who go see Santa every year are racy. Yawn. Dave, hoping to make the inroads with Whitney that he wasn’t able to make with Holly, asks Whitney about her profession. Specifically, “Do you have any special therapy that you can recommend for me?” I’m hoping that Whitney will pull out the card of a good plastic surgeon, but instead she sidesteps the question by saying “I’d have to take you to your room for that.” Crisis averted. Or was it? Amanda tells Whitney “we have a bed-like thing right here”. Amanda was obviously a boy scout in a former life, as she’s uber-prepared. Whitney recoils in horror, but manages to walk over to Dave and give him a 4 second massage.

    Now the prospects are given the opportunity to ask questions of the men. Holly asks which of the girls are their favorites. Keith starts off by saying none, but eventually decides that Charla is. Alex obviously didn’t understand the question, because he answers that he doesn’t like Charla, because she’s boring. As Charla watches this from the other room, she gets fired up. But I have to admit, she gets fired up in a really boring way. Whitney asks which of the girls is playing the game the hardest. Beau says Toni. Eye bug-out number one. Keith says that he doesn’t know. Come on, Keith. It’s not like you’re being asked your multiplication tables here. Just pick a friggin’ name. Instead he uses this as an opening to whine about how everyone is against him, blah blah blah. Dave, like Beau, answers Toni. Eye bug-out number two, coupled with a “you son of a bitch!” I’m wondering what’s so bad about being told that you’re playing a game hard, but evidently it’s a big insult in Paradise.

    With the Q & A session over, the men and the two ladies are informed that the female hotel guests have been listening to the entire thing. Thunder rolls, lightning flashes and jaws drop. This is big news? Nobody said anything awful here, but the guys are acting as if they’re double agents who’ve just been uncovered by the CIA. After yelling at the men for a while, the ladies begin asking questions of the prospects. First up is Tara, who I’m guessing has watched “Boyz ‘N The Hood” one too many times. In her best gangsta-speak, she says “Holly, whaddup baby? That tattoo on yo’ bootilicious is so not original. What can you bring to Paradise that IS original?” I’m rooting for Holly to say “A dropkick to the head for you, Tara.” but instead she mumbles something about just being herself. Next is Amy. “Ladies, will you both stab us in the back like Keith did?” Amy, get over it. Way to waste a question. What are they going to say, “Hell yeah!”? Both find ways of saying no. With that, it’s time for the big decision. Whitney, buh-bye. Holly, welcome to Paradise. You’ll be rooming alone this first week, you lucky gal.

    Machiavellian machinations…
    With the addition of Holly to this simmering cesspool, everyone goes into plotting mode. Toni tells Holly that her smile lights up the room. I barf. Holly is given pats on the back and big hugs all around. Cut to Dave and Charla discussing how mean everyone is. “They think that nobody else deserves to be here but them.” This seems to be an accurate assessment. They agree to start working on Holly and Tara. Charla talks to Tara, convincing her to join forces with her crew. Tara agrees, and they do a little dance to celebrate their merger. Much in the same way the CEO’s of AOL and Time-Warner did, I’m sure.

    Let’s get this party started right…
    The next morning, Holly is presented with an envelope. She learns that she is the lucky recipient of not one, but two overnight excursions with the male guest of her choice. She asks Scott to join her for night #1. Maybe she’s going to sit on his lap again. Sounds scintillating.

    Alex announces that he has a surprise for the contestants who will be left behind this evening, but that he didn’t do this on purpose to exclude anyone. My gut reaction is to believe him, because let’s face it – Holly has big boobs. I doubt he’d exclude her from anything. As Holly and Scott depart for their exclusive overnight adventure, the rest of the guests prepare to party like they were back in the frat house.

    Leaving Paradise – but not FOREVER…
    We watch as Holly and Scott check into to yet another hotel. I’m confused. We’re told that Paradise Hotel is the best hotel in the world, yet they give them a stay elsewhere as a treat? I must admit, the private pool in their suite is a nice touch, and hey – they’re even given a tray of cheese cubes! Ah, such luxury. They toast each other with champagne, and get down ‘n dirty in the pool. And here I thought this show was all about loose morals. It’s not. It’s about promoting physical fitness and romantic courtship. Right? Right? Okay, maybe not. As they quickly cut to the next morning, we hear Scott tell Holly “You’re cool.” Call me crazy, but if a guy said “you’re cool” to me the morning after, I wouldn’t exactly be overflowing with warm fuzzies. They make their way back to Paradise…

    Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
    The big surprise that Alex, Amy and Beau have concocted is a toga party. I have to commend them on their originality. I mean, who would have thought of THAT? The others are told that in order to gain entrance, they’re to wear a toga (duh), and bring a gift and a drink. May I suggest hemlock? We watch them dress and arrive with their gifts. The gifts include snacks, whipped cream, a neck brace (yeah, I didn’t understand that one either), and my personal favorite: a coupon from Tara that promises the bearer a back rub guaranteed to put them “on ecstasy”. I assume that she meant “in ecstasy”, but hey – if she’s going to force them to take raver drugs, more power to her. They have a toga fashion show, the details of which I’ll spare you all. Dave is the male winner, Toni and Tara tie for female winner. Whether or not Toni coerced her victory out of the judges under threat of headlock, the world will never know. They proceed to get drunk, chant “Toga! Toga! Toga!” (come on, you guys all saw that one coming), and find new and unusual uses for whipped cream.

    When Scott and Holly return the next morning, they each give their takes on the evening to their respective breakfast tables. Holly tells the girls how romantic it was, how beautiful the flowers on the bed and floating in the pool were. The girls oooh and ahhh. Scott once again reiterates that Holly is “cool” and that his favorite part of her would be her eyes. Uh-huh. Her full, taut, perky…eyes.

    Machiavelli, part II…
    The dawn of a new day brings more scheming to light. Toni and Amy powwow about how much Dave, Charla and Tara want them out. Flashback to Charla and Tara’s “We’re gonna make it after all!” boogie. Toni tells Amy that she “can feel it. It’s in my stomach.” I wouldn’t have thought that she’d have any room in there next to the power bars and super-bulk up powder drinks, but evidently intuition doesn’t have much mass. They agree that Charla has to go. Toni informs us that now she’s playing the game. I’m wondering what she’s been doing for the last several weeks, but no matter – the game is now afoot! We then see Charla, Keith and Tara gleefully discussing that it’s great that the others are now in a position of fear. The balance of power seems to have shifted, and Charla’s ready for her coup d’etat. You go, boring girl!

    And with that, the longest hour of my life comes to an end. Tune in next week, when there will only be one episode, and Dramatic Voiceover Man informs us that we “CAN’T miss it.” Evidently if we do, the punishment will be severe. Perhaps they’ll extend the show another 12 episodes. Please, loyal viewers, tune in, because we can’t let that happen.

  2. #2
    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    Alright, first one to check in.

    Too many good lines to quote, but some of my favorites are:
    Toni tells Amy that she “can feel it. It’s in my stomach.” I wouldn’t have thought that she’d have any room in there next to the power bars and super-bulk up powder drinks, but evidently intuition doesn’t have much mass.
    First up is Holly, a 22 year old “fine jewelry” saleswoman from Pennsylvania. ( Read: Holly spends most of her day sorting the “Italian Princess” 10K charms from the dollar sign rings. )
    Scott directs his question to Holly, saying “You said in your video clip that you’re not afraid to walk up to a guy and say or do anything. Come show me what you mean.” I look to see if Amanda is going to pass Holly a set of kneepads, but Holly walks straight over to Scott and sits on his lap. Oooh, that’s racy. Just like the thousands of kids who go see Santa every year are racy. Yawn.
    Anyway, I think you get the idea. A big from the orchard.
    R.I.P Willie Dog (?/?/1989-12/17/2004). Gone but never forgotten.

    Welcome Zelda (and a hot of other names)! (Born 08/08/2005, adopted 10/08/2005)

    Also welcome Shasta! (Born ?/?/2004, Adopted 03/??/07)

  3. #3
    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    Yo girl, that was bootylicious. Or something. And I hear ya on the surly Chicagoan.

    Great job!

  4. #4
    FORT Fan xkissluvx's Avatar
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    That was great!

  5. #5
    Fort Freak! funnygirl422's Avatar
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    Applause, applause...your pain is our gain!

    “Are you God?” At this point, I have every appendage on my body crossed, hoping that Keith says “Why yes, yes I am.”

    There were a couple of instances last night when my inner smart-ass was kicking! When these girls start on their tirades I know it's for the camera, but shouldn't they get their facts straight? Maybe practice a couple of times? Toni and Amy both were completely stumbling over themselves. If Toni says "game on" one more time, I will personally hunt her down and bitch-slap her where she stands. She's been there about 6-8 weeks now and granted we're only getting the edited version, but I wonder how often she really says this. Now she has Amy parroting her in all her evil threats to Keith! I'm sorry you had to sit through this, but doesn't make you feel a little better about yourself as a person?

  6. #6
    Just Looking Norm601's Avatar
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    Nice recap. And very funny. Please--torture yourself some more with this show. And let us know how it goes.

  7. #7
    FORT Fogey
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    OH AMANDA!!! gush gush! That was awesome! I dare say you got fully slimed in that episode, ok off to get your pennacillin shot and inform the CDC so they can add you to the list!

    That was fantastic! Loved it!

  8. #8
    Loaded God Complex MajiH's Avatar
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    I started to quote you from your recap when I soon realized I was quoting almost the whole damned thing! Well done!

  9. #9
    FORT Regular Mickles4814's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaG

    Hell hath no fury…
    We start off the evening with Amy. Amy is not happy. In fact, Amy is downright pissed. Because she’s wearing a really ugly shirt and has bad hair? Here’s a thought: Prozac. It supposedly works wonders.
    thanks for the diss! i have that shirt and I had my hair like Amy's once i loved it! and um Prozac won't help her its just SCARS not acne ( sorry have to stand up Amy is my fave).....................lol but it was very nicely done!!

  10. #10
    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    Actually, Prozac is a mood stabilizer, but sorry if I offended you re: the hair.

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