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Thread: 7/23/03 Recap-Parasite Hotel: Sleaze Checks In but It Doesn’t Check Out

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    7/23/03 Recap-Parasite Hotel: Sleaze Checks In but It Doesn’t Check Out

    7/23/03 Paradise Hotel Recap

    Welcome to Parasite Hotel! The show where a parasitic entity must latch onto another host body in order to survive—Huh? What? This show is not about microbiology?

    Before regaling you with the details of tonight’s episode, let me preface this recap by saying, as with some of the other FoRT recappers, I have never, before tonight, seen this show, making my observations snap judgments based on a single viewing. Furthermore, unlike the other FoRT recappers, I have no experience whatsoever writing recaps.

    Just like Keith, the newest Paradise Ho with the “And Introducing” preceding his name in the credits, this is my first day in “Paradise”! This is my very first assignment as an official FoRT writer (presumably because John has run out of willing recappers). So, like Keith, I too must feel my way through this strange, new world that hath such wonders in it. Also, like Keith, there appears to be no other objective to this endeavor other than the specious validation of my needy insecurities by parading my inadequacies in front of bunch of strangers. Whoa! Oversharing!

    As the show begins and the camera swoops down on the “luxurious resort,” I can’t help but notice how much Paradise Hotel looks like a miniature putt-putt golf course from afar. A montage sequence shows various contestants in states of distress and undress. For the full lowdown, you can read JR’s recap, which is superb (Don’t believe me? Just ask him!).

    This week’s pair-ups: Beau & Tara, Dave & Charla, Kristin & Zack, Alex & Amy, Scott & Toni. The newest guest: “male model” Keith. Dramatic Voiceover Man intones forebodingly “What will the men do to stay afloat in Paradise?” So, we’ve been watching this show for, what, about half an hour now? NO! That’s just the “Previously On” segment! Dear God, it’s going to be a long night.

    Night of the Round Table

    It’s evening at the Paradise Hotel, and all the guests are gathered round the patio table for witty and clever conversation à la the Algonquin circle. Not. The guys admonish the gals for voting in the “male model” (threatened much?). For no apparent reason, Toni, tortures everyone with annoying self-flagellation for “messing up” and voting for the “wrong person”. While nobody else seems to care or want to participate in Toni’s stroll down Self Blame Lane, I’m wondering to myself, how hard is the voting process that she screwed it up? Will there be a hanging chad controversy over this? As I’m lost in thought, Toni suddenly gets up and leaves the table in a huff.

    Zack, master impressionist, immediately jumps in with his rendition of a Toni tantrum, saying, “Is that like the third week in a row…I’m not going to take another [expletive] instant where a thirty-year-old can’t [expletive] be mature and get up and leave the table every time.” I can see already that Zack is long on bile but short on grammar and sentence construction. Then everyone joins in on the fun, sniping about Toni’s behavior; like Dave remarking “For the tenth straight time the Tony award goes to Toni”. Curiously, no one wanted to talk about Toni when she was around and raring to play martyr, and yet they all feel free discuss her faults once she’s gone.

    Zack and Amy retire to the bedroom for some romantic pillow talk…about how bitchy Toni is! Zack, still coltish with youth, keeps referring to how he can’t believe a “thirty-year-old” like Toni (i.e. Methuselah) could exhibit such immature behavior, and dubs her a “faker” (which succeeds only in making him sound like he’s in 7th grade). Resident PH aficionado LG informs me that Toni is not even 30 yet (and a previous episode made a big deal of the fact that she just turned 29), which increases the prick factor of Zack’s comments, since by constantly repeating that she’s 30, he likens her to the hoary Prospero of the island, actual 30 year old, Scott.

    Only Kristin is willing to actually speak about Toni to Toni, and attempts to both encourage and reassure Miss Drama Queen that she did not disappoint anyone. Toni confesses to Kristin that she wants to go home, which Kristin warns her not to tell anyone else.

    Zack manages to stop criticizing Toni just long enough to start criticizing Amy. Still lying in bed together, he complains that she never initiates anything, not conversation, sexual activity, or “sitting next to you, and it’s like dude”. Yeah, I really hate it when ‘it’s like dude’, myself. Amy bolts upright in bed, aghast.

    Cut to creepy night vision shot of Charla, lying down with an old fashioned aviator’s hat—sorry, it’s a sleep mask—pushed back on her head, discussing Zack with Dave, who sits conspicuously alone in the big, big king size bed (don’t know how the ladies can resist). We learn that Zack’s 24 (which perhaps explains why he keeps referring to Toni as if she was from the Paleozoic era), “insensitive, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful-to-women” and “doesn’t treat Amy well at all”. We also learn that Charla is somehow an expert on “jerks”.

    Cut back to Zack & Amy’s room to see that it is now Zack who is conspicuously alone in the big, big bed, and Amy rebuts Zack’s accusation with the brilliant riposte: “I’m sorry that I don’t, like, have sex with you, like, every waking moment.” To which Zack volleys back some lame retort while he lies in his knickers with his butt up in the air. Is this how he hopes to entice Amy into finally initiating sex? Quick cut to Charla saying the delusional woman’s mantram: “I think Zack doesn’t like me because he knows he can’t have me” then back again to Amy with Zack, who pulls the jealous boyfriend act over Keith, who hasn’t even arrived there yet, but only remarked “I’d be worried about my girlfriend” to Zack via satellite during the selection ceremony. Amy assures Zack that she won’t allow Keith to pick her, perhaps opening the floodgate for Zack’s sensitive side to ooze out, because he confesses to being afraid of losing her when the show’s over and she goes home. I think it’s just a ploy to guilt Amy back into bed, and it works, culminating in several shots of the two of them spooning each other in unnecessary slo-mo, and an extreme close-up of their feet touching that gives me the howling fantods.

    The Long Kiss Goodnight

    After drunken deliberations, Kristin and Scott swap spit in full view of the other guests, leading a visibly tense Toni to retire early for the night. Scott returns to the room pretending to be oblivious, and to send a message Toni huffily moves from the big, big bed to the little bed.

    Bass-heavy porno music signals to us that something sexy’s going on at the pool. Alex and Kristin strip down and get wet in a hideous soft-core sequence that seem like it will never end until it at long last terminates with a night vision shot of them giggling in bed. I feel really dirty now!

    Good Morning Sunshine

    The next day begins with Scott arguing with Toni, who stands symbolically at the base of a phallic-shaped doorway. They discuss kissing other people, with Scott pointing out that she has no right to be jealous of his mackin’ with Kristin since just a few weeks ago Toni was tongue-tangled with Alex (FOX treats us to a night vision flashback of this—please, I’ll just take Scott’s word on this one!). Scott Dr. Phils Toni by telling her she “holds things in for so long” then she “snaps at people” (flashback of Toni’s Postal Eyes).

    At the boys’ breakfast, Alex asks Scott how the talk with Toni went, to which Scott replies: “She feels that she had been biting her tongue too much and holding some things back. She said that we would now be seeing the real Toni.” Hey, everybody, stop laughing! No one’s laughing at the girls’ breakfast, where Toni’s laying down the law, babbling her new ‘Honesty is the Best Policy’ manifesto with the eloquence and clarity of a schizophrenic hobo while the rest of the ladies eat in silent terror.

    The New Guy

    Host Amanda Byram ushers in the new b*tch in cellblock PH, Keith who, she mentions in case we missed it the last fifty times we heard it, just so happens to be a male model . The gang, poolside as ever, greets him with a mixture of interest and suspicion then immediately plies him with liquor. The girls are checking him out, but of all the people, Keith chooses Zack to give him the tour. Of course, egocentric Zack seems to think it’s because he’s so good-looking that Keith is into him. Keith does actually mention that he likes Zack (causing me to wonder briefly if, in fact, Zack was right for once); however, he makes it clear to the audience that the person he has designs on is Tara, by referencing her ‘hotness’ on more than one occasion.

    Unisex pool antics ensue. Kristin strong-arms Keith like a Mafioso thug does an uncooperative juror, telling him that if he chooses wrong, there will be five girls against him. Slo-mo shot of a bemused Keith leaving pool, with a voiceover stating “the pressure I feel right now sucks, I have no idea what I’m gonna do”. Perhaps because I can relate to his feelings of uncertainty, I actually feel sorry for the poor schmuck right now.

    “I feel so secluded, I feel like a loner now,” he confesses to Tara in a private conversation later that evening. Tara commiserates with Keith on new guest status, and then advises him that survival in Paradise hinges primarily on trust, and that people remain because their pairs remain fairly stable. Keith suggests that it would be of benefit to Tara if he were to “break up the pack”, and she says, “It would be good for everybody, then we can have fun” and “Doesn’t have to be all married couple”. They imagine the good times they’d have if the status quo gets shaken up. Sounds like good old-fashioned evil plotting to me, they even break out in synchronized ‘evil laugh’ together. They do everything but twist their mustaches in mischievous glee. Keith, after a flashback to Kristin’s poolside threat, tells Tara that he needs “protection”. Plans in place, Tara assures Keith that he’s safe with her and Charla, whatever that means.

    Later, Alex, Zack, and Keith pow-wow and Keith explicitly asks whom they’d most prefer to stay. Zack says he doesn’t want Alex or Scott to go, and Alex doesn’t want Zack or Scott gone. A series of clips sets Beau up as the new persona non grata around the hotel, saying things like “I don’t want to be around people who don’t want to be around me.”

    Faux world-music plays as we watch all the guests at dinner, which focuses mainly on new guy Keith mooning over Tara as she shamelessly snuggles with Beau, which segues into an extended Beau/Tara grappling and schmekking scene in their bedroom (*gag*) . Tara proclaims her “like” for Beau, despite his bad rap with all the others (*heave*) because “He’s special” (*hurl*).

    A Pot Calling the Kettle Zack

    Beau’s playing up the maverick rep by talking about how “A lot of people made me feel as if I had a problem with people”, while Zack complains about Beau having interrupted a discussion of cantaloupes with an anecdote about monkeys (really, I did not make that up). Moment of the day occurs when self-obsessed Zack complains that “When the attention’s not on him he has to have it on him. Like it can’t be on anyone else, except for him, and that’s not cool.” No, he’s not talking about himself in third-person, he’s talking about Beau. Meantime, it dawns on me that whenever Zack’s in a scene, he’s often the only one talking, usually at length while everyone else shuffles uncomfortably in the background.

    At night, all the ‘old-timers’ consider how Keith will affect the dynamics of paradise. Zack sees Beau and Dave as “the underdogs”, while Tara discloses to Charla her plan to go for Zack.

    Pandora’s Box or ‘Paradise Ho’s Tell’

    All the Paradise Ho’s are instructed to write questions for each other and put them in “Pandora’s Box”. Later that evening, they all gather in what looks like a Pier One Imports outlet store to do the Q&A. Tara reads the first question for Kristin “You talked to Keith a lot last night, are you attracted to him?” Kristin spouts some diplomatic blah-blah, but the answer is a resounding no. Ouch! Keith looks wounded. Next, Charla picks out the following for Amy: “Are you and Zack in love?” Amy plays coy and says no, but there is potential in the future. Ouch! Zack looks wounded. Keith is asked “Which girl would you not miss in Paradise?” Keith answers Amy, but adds that it’s because they haven’t talked much. Alex is asked if anyone has lied to his face and dissed him behind his back, and Alex points a poisoned finger at Beau. Beau’s question is how does he feel knowing Zack and Alex have lost trust in him, and Beau blows up defensively in a way I’m not sure really answers the question, and quite frankly, after I hear him say “Ekspecially” I’m already tuning out. Zack whines again about Beau’s tendency to interrupt.

    And finally, a question for Toni: “How do you feel knowing that Dave said no matter how many times she apologizes, he’ll never forgive you?” Dave gets a weaselly look on his face, but before he can utter a word, Toni explodes with eyes bugged out Marty Feldman-style, shrieking “SHUT UP!” She then launches off into a long, brutal tirade on Dave (who looks as if he wishes he could hide behind his own ears) that really convinces me that she is a bipolar manic-depressive that forgot to fill her prescription for lithium before leaving for vacation at the Hotel Where Fantasies Come True. I won’t go into it, because quite frankly I don’t even understand it, with her yelling “ENOUGH!”, “GAME ON!” and “YAHTZE” (are they suddenly at a gaming convention?). She concluded her verbal bashing of Dave by saying, frighteningly, “This game is temporary, but life is permanent…You [expletive] with me, I’ll get you.” I’d suggest Dave watch his back in the parking lot on his way home.

    Later that night, we see Toni slowly slide towards the other pole. Crying hysterically, she tells Dave that she owes him an apology. “I’m a good person and you’re a good person, and there was no reason for me to do that and that’s good enough reason for me to say, you know what, enough…I took it too far,” she blubbers uncontrollably to Dave, who has his hand on her arm and a look of expectancy that says “I hope she feels guilty enough to have sex with me.” His hope is deflated by Toni’s observations that “You get self-conscious about your looks” and she confesses that she too is insecure and that’s why she works out so much. Oh man, is this Paradise Hotel or a group therapy session? Toni and Dave make amends and even hug. All this sharing and caring almost make me miss the night vision voyeurism.

    A beleaguered Keith shares his feelings thus far on a diary cam: “It’s freakin’ hectic around here, these people have been here way too long.” Oh yeah, I know that feeling. Spliced in is a shot of Toni, Amy, and Kristin bickering. Back to Keith, whom I’m really feeling sorry for, as he appears truly troubled (evinced by dark rings around his male model eyes), “It’s crazy in there, people are at everybody’s throat”—cut to Zack yelling at Amy and Kristin. “These people need a break, they don’t sit back and enjoy the view, enjoy what they have” Keith observes…and these are most reasonable words I’ve heard spoken the entire show. Keith seems pretty nice to me now, especially in contrast to Zack whom next we see snapping sarcastically at Amy about their relationship. Keith even defends what he sees as an attack on the vilified Beau.

    As the show comes blessedly closer to its end, we find Dave once again alone in his big, big bed, talking to Charla, who says that she actually wanted to ask Amy a question about Zack, but didn’t want feelings to get hurt. Dave proclaims Amy a “sweetheart” and Charla shrugs this off, saying “You totally have faith in the people I think are the dirtiest ones here.”

    The final scene is of Keith proclaiming that the Zack/Alex/Amy/Kristin axis of evil may have to be broken up, intimating that he will be the one to do it. And then finally, the end is signaled by the start of the “Scenes from the Next” segment, which claims provocatively that “the biggest surprise is how Paradise Hotel ends”. How? By exterminating everyone like a roach motel? One can only hope. I for one am just glad to have made it through this episode, and on that note I bid you all adieu.

    Next week, Paradise Hotel airs on Tuesday and Wednesday…Questions? Comments? Contact me in Paradise at snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com where I am stealing all the towels and soap. A pox on this show for getting an Eddie Money song stuck in my head!
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
    All New AMERICA'S TOP MODEL Recaps! Premiere Pt. 1 & Pt. 2, Ep. 3, Ep. 4, Dinah's Dynamite Ep. 5, Ep. 6, Ep. 7, Ep. 8, Ep. 9, Ep. 10, Ep. 11, Finale
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    JR.
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    Drummer / Model JR.'s Avatar
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    Great job, and you were worried.

    SFG you have been soiled, welcome to the club.

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    Mmmmmm, cheese tracylee's Avatar
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    Great recap, very funny!

    I vaguely remember a pool shot where one of the girls had another one cradled in her arms. What was with that? I couldn't tell who was who, there.

    Oh, and if you're lucky, since you did such a good job on the recap, maybe you'll get to keep doing it! Ya know you want to!
    One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity

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    King of the world holiday's Avatar
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    Great recap, love the paradise ho's!


    Dave, who sits conspicuously alone in the big, big king size bed (don’t know how the ladies can resist).

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    Bee
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    Awesome recap... I missed the show and you captured "everything".. Thanks for taking the time to do such a wonderful writeup

    Bee

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    Play ball!! melpepinla's Avatar
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    Great job on your first PH recap SnowflakeGirl! Your observations were right on. See, you didn't need to watch this show from the beginning to know what is going on!
    I think Johnny Damon has the SWEETEST mullet in major league baseball!

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    FORT Fan xkissluvx's Avatar
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    That was a good recap. I feel like i saw the show twice! .

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    tracylee, tara was snuggling under toni's bigass guns. it baffled me as well.

    snowflake, you go! nice job.
    di

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    Mmmmmm, cheese tracylee's Avatar
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    Ummm, swimming lessons perhaps? I somehow thought it was Tara doing the floating.

    I still think an interesting twist would be if someone were to choose a roommate of the same sex. Hmmm, do you think Fox would edit out that week and play re-runs of That 70's Show?
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    Picture Perfect SnowflakeGirl's Avatar
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    No, TracyLee, I think FOX would probably milk the same-sex thing for all the sensation it's worth. I also noticed during the unisex pool montage that there was a nanosecond of some MFF three-way action but since I couldn;t figure out who it was, I didn't mention it in the recap.

    Thanks to all you guys for your kind words, it's very encouraging to this new recapper. Can you say that we've "hooked up" and I get to stay on in FoRT PARADISE with you all FOREVER?!!
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
    All New AMERICA'S TOP MODEL Recaps! Premiere Pt. 1 & Pt. 2, Ep. 3, Ep. 4, Dinah's Dynamite Ep. 5, Ep. 6, Ep. 7, Ep. 8, Ep. 9, Ep. 10, Ep. 11, Finale
    Relive every beautiful moment of America's Next Top Model...Click here for links to prior season recaps & interviews.

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