Paradise Hotel – 07/22/03
Hey kids, me again. This was supposed to be a one time gig, but I can’t stop watching. It’s like…network crack or something. But this time I’m ready though, I have a fridge full of beer. Here we go- 99 bottles of beer on the wall
We start off with a recap of last week’s show, showing Tara’s situation (complete with eye bulging and slacking jaws), Toni going psycho on Dave, and Amanda’s bawling at “Pandora’s Box Counsel”. Dramatic voice-over man reminds us that one of the original ladies will be leaving paradise…FOREVER!!!!
The fallout from Pandora’s Box has Alex, Beau, and Zack felt that Dave had it coming and he was lying with his answers. Dave tries a little damage control with Scott, but he really doesn’t want to hear it. Charla tells Amanda that she actually feels bad for Dave because she doesn’t like to see people gang upon people. Hmm, I wonder if she’ll let him touch her bare skin now?
Charla talks strategy with Tara. Yes, I said strategy. Tara is interested in Zack (you know, ‘cause he’s the best looking guy there, don’t believe me? Just ask him) and Charla says that would probably send Amy home. “Well, I would like that” Tara replies, and then drags Charla with her to talk to Zack. He tells her not to feel bad about her position, and then to get the conversation focused on him, tells her about his horrible first night at the hotel when he got stuck with Amy. He clearly states that they are NOT together, and complains that she doesn’t want to get to know him. They flirt for a few minutes before heading off.
Beau and Charla discuss the upcoming game of musical roomies, and he says that he doesn’t want Amanda to go either. She goes off into the ladies room (just like Fonzie) to work out a plan with Tara and Amanda. “I’m smart, and I know what’s going on” she states. Ha, she should do stand-up. Don’t let Toni hear that “smart” comment. They decide that they all need to be there next week. Uh good plan, but isn’t that the object of the show? You might want to rethink that “smart” thing.
The 3 Amigos move in on Scott and try to get him to help save Amanda. He tells them that only Tara is really safe, honeymoon’s over, game on. They’re going to pick the original folks off 1 by 1, so who knows what’s going to happen. Scott is far too normal to be on this show, how’d that happen?
PlanetZack and Amy are talking about their “relationship”, and he feels that things are more like a brother-sister thing. Eww, that is so wrong. He thinks that there is too much play fighting and wrestling around, and it’s “weird”. It doesn’t seem to bother him that much, judging by the clips we see of them. She counters with “I’m playful, that’s who I am. Zack, sometimes you make it so hard for me”. Sometimes?!?! WTF?
Things start to get ugly when the women are sitting around shooting the breeze. Amanda tries to explain her pissy mood at the beach, but Toni steps in and tells her that she’s cut herself off from the rest of them. Amanda blames it on the Pandora’s Box fiasco, saying “I’ve never gone through anything like that in my entire life, and it hurt so bad”. What, did I miss the vicious beating? My God woman! Run Jason run! Kristen jumps in (yes, I said Kristen) to dump on Amanda for ignoring everyone while Jason was there, and then jumping right back to the guys when he left. Amanda thinks that the girls suspect her of hiding things, and that’s Amy’s cue to get her hands dirty. Amy feels that she is being sneaky and can’t be trusted, and points out the ripping off of Alex’s clothes comment. Apparently Zack told her about a dream Amanda had about doing him in an elevator (well, ‘cause all women dream about him, don’t believe me? Just ask him). Now I’ll have Aerosmith in my head for the rest of the night. Amanda denies it, and says he’s only looking out for himself. Amy complains about all of Amanda’s conflicting stories, and says that Zack would never make something like that up (well, ‘cause he’s the greatest guy in the world, don’t believe me? Just ask him). Amy’s had enough, tells Amanda that she’s not her friend anymore, and then leaves the room. I swear that last part was straight out of 4th grade.
Zack, Kristen, and Alex are talking about the whole Amanda/Beau saga and Alex says that they’re the same, they both lie and are deceitful. Beau walks in and they start prodding him. They tell him that they all want Amanda to go and want to know where he stands. Beau says he’s sticking to his word, but he doesn’t trust her either. Zack calls him a sucker, and Beau says that he’ll be a sucker that keeps his word then.
The girls all get letters telling them to pack their bags and be prepared to hit the bricks. Charla, Tara, and Amanda are off in another room and decide to form a little prayer circle. They all hold hands and Charla asks “isn’t it like…if 2 people ask for something at the same time God will give it to them?” This girl is on the wrong show, she should be starring on Last Comic Standing, she is too damn funny.
Amanda goes to talk to Beau, and he tells her that he was just interrogated. He says that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do tonight, and has to see what Tara does first. During the whole conversation, Tara and Charla listen at the door, Tara even has a glass up to her ear.
Ok, it time for the most dramatic necklace ceremony EVER!!! HostAmanda appears and assumes that this is the most tense, difficult roommate selections yet. Good observation chief. But wait…there’s a TWIST. The lovely Tara will be picking LAST! Everyone looks as if they’ve just been punched in the stomach. I will give props to Holly for calling that one. Toni is up first and goes straight for Scott, telling Beau that she had a great time with him but feels safer with Scott. Amanda is next and also picks Scott. This is going to be interesting. Amy is up and shocks everyone by picking Alex, Zack looks like he’s ready to cry. Charla is next and picks Dave, who looks like an 8 year old on Christmas morning. Kristen is the last of the original ladies to pick and she heads straight for Zack, putting a smile back on his face. Before the last pick, the Scott situation needs to be resolved. He rambles a bit and finally picks Toni, sending Amanda over to Beau. And now, playing the role of Grim Reaper, is Tara. She hesitates for a minute, and walks over to Beau. Here come the tears, even though no one seems to like Amanda now.
The couples move over to the couch, leaving Amana standing next to HostAmanda. When asked how she’s feeling, Amanda replies with “I’m ready to go home now”. No s***? Would the fact that she has no choice have anything to do with that? What about all of the wonderful things she wanted to accomplish? I hope Jason is still running. Amanda must leave paradise FOREVER!!!
HostAmanda is back in the studio, and introduces the 2 guys that will be vying for a spot with the gang. The first guy is J Schiano, a 27 year old rapper and boxer from Miami. He likes to entertain, and we see clips of him in the studio and in the gym. When asked if there is anyone on the island that he wants to fight, he says that he’s not looking to fight, he just wants to have a good time. The other guy is Keith Cuda, a 23 year old model from Ohio. He says he’s a fun guy and likes to make people laugh, and that he’s also a good kisser. I will not ask him to prove this to me.
On to the questions (uh oh):
Dave’s alter ego - MC Crunch & Munch: J, yo what up playa? Yo, yo, yo J, why we gonna bring you to paradizzle if you gonna show up, play our girlies, and send one of us pimps to da cuuurrrb yo? Ugh, my god, way to represent Dave. Please don’t come back. Good people of the internet, we are not all like that here.
J takes it in stride and is a great sport about it, saying that he just wants to party and have a good time.
Beau: J, you say you’re a boxer, did you take a lot of hits because it seems like you talk really slow?
J laughingly says that he’ll put him out in the first round.
Zack: Keith, I understand you’re a male model, which honestly I find hard to understand. But, if you came to paradise and fall in the pool are you going to worry about your make-up falling off?
Keith: I wouldn’t be worried about my make-up, I be worried about your girl.
Zack: Keith, to be a model you have to have abs though man, I don’t see that you have any.
Keith gets up and unbuttons his shirt, the women at the hotel and the women in the audience squeal. This guy is ripped, but I still don’t want him to kiss me. Zack attempts to get the spotlight back on himself by showing off his abs (‘cause his are the best, don’t believe me? Just ask him).
The guys make their final appeals to the girls, but neither one really stands out. After the commercial, Toni is ready with their decision. They choose Keith (gee, there’s a surprise). Model boy, come on down! You’re the next contestant on Paradise Hotel. But wait…there’s more! HostAmanda informs everyone that Keith will get the same deal Tara had; he will pick his roommate at the end of the week. (cue the music…Eddie Money must be thrilled)
Damn you FOX, I’m hooked. I feel shame.
Intercom: Will SnowflakeGirl please report to the staging area
Send your love or hate to email@example.com but I might be too drunk to respond