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Thread: 7/16/03 Recap: The Hotel Where Fantasies Come True

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    7/16/03 Recap: The Hotel Where Fantasies Come True

    Paradise Hotel 7/16/03: The Hotel Where Fantasies Come True

    Welcome to another FORT recap of Paradise Hotel, the reality TV program that is so fantastic, that all of the FORT writers want a crack at recapping. John installed a “take a number” dispenser like at your local deli counter for the writers to all show up and wait in line while taking turns sharing the joy of recapping this show. What? The rest of my fellow recappers have all complained about this assignment? They’ve said that they drew the short straw, they’ve invented drinking games, been attacked by dreaded foreshadowing, and resorted to drinking household cleaners just to survive this assignment? Not me, Paradise Hotel aficionados, I’m not afraid to admit that I LOVE this show and have been patiently awaiting my turn in the recapping pool. Well, not even that patiently, as I jumped Firegirl’s spot in the queue, but she will be taking a turn next week.

    What’s up first on Wednesday’s show? Oh, a lengthy recap of all of the action to date. Rather than recap the recap I’ll refer you to all of the fabulous work of my fellow Paradise Hotel recappers: BravoFan, JR, Duckgirl, John, Bill_in_PDX, Paulie, Lobeck, and KylieGrant. Why do I link to all these super recaps here? Because we have people joining the site everyday who haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing all of these super recaps. Also, because we’re almost out of willing recappers and the show was just extended for six more weeks, so PM or email your favorite and beg them to take another show, or John may need to start blackmailing people into taking episodes to assure complete coverage of this show for the site. Not me though. No arm twisting required. I LOVE this show! In fact, I want to be ON Paradise Hotel, becuase this is:

    The Hotel Where Fantasies Come True

    The current crop of Hotel guests would pick me to join them, wouldn’t they? {LG dream sequence}

    Our Hostess, Twinkie: Now that the latest man to check out has left, it’s time to bring on a new lady, and we have two candidates in our live studio audience:

    On my left, from San Immodesto, California, we have a bar-tender named Trixie who promises to keep the Hotel staff busy doing laundry to keep clean sheets on the beds.

    On my right, LG from Minnesota, who is older than everyone else (hey, not that much older) and whose idea of a good time is sitting at home watching this stuff and writing about it for others to read on the internet.

    Hmmmm, it could happen.
    Henhouse Happenings

    As we rejoin the episode, we’re reminded of the current roommate assignments: Toni & Beau, Kristin & Alex, Charla & Scott, Amy & Zack, Amanda & Dave. Tara, the new girl, freshly voted in by the guys, will room alone this week. At the end of the week, however, she gets first pick of the guys and cannot be challenged, so one of the original 5 girls will be leaving Paradise Hotel FOREVER in the next episode.

    The chickens are gettin’ nervous. What do nervous chickens do? Peck, peck, peck! The Mother Hen of this group of dumb clucks is Toni, the professional reality TV dating show contestant whom Fox loves to edit to be a complete psycho-witch. Notice how I said this was editing. {LG hopes that may cut down on some of the hate-mail} Just because I'm aware that this is an edited TV program and not a live feed doesn't mean that I have to like everyone, especially serial reality show contestants who've made a career of getting in people's faces. Fans of the old Love Cruise remember how many consecutive episodes were advertised with her trademark “eyes popping out of her head” dressing down of a fellow cast-mate, but it’s on Toni that she agreed to go on yet another FOX show. So, our first memorable moment, we see Toni at the top of the pecking order at the henhouse, telling the other chicks that Dave is evil and that he said he’s the smartest one there. FOX then treats us with a clip of Dave telling Charla that he thinks that Scott is really bright, but Alex is probably the smartest person there. Toni is busted by her old friend FOX, and I’m laughing on my couch. That was a funny little exchange. You can bet we’ll see it at least two more times. This is FOX, you know, they’ve got to get their mileage out of such entertainment gold. Like the after-taste of bad stuffed peppers a hour before bedtime, this exchange too "will be baaaak" probably dozens of times.

    Wanna Bet?

    While the chicks are all listening to Toni’s unfounded rantings, no-one daring to contradict Mother Hen Toni, and the guys have occupied themselves with making another of their famous “bets”. Somebody should airlift these guys a backgammon board, as I can only speculate that they're as bored as Big Brother Houseguests, but without the distraction of having to compete in silly contests for food. Instead the concoct silly contests for no apparent prize, but with some public humiliation for failing in the task. Dave is the target, yet again, and if Dave doesn’t kiss Tara by midnight on her first day at the Hotel, he needs to give Toni a lap-dance for her birthday. The guys toast “Dave is the Man!” as if that would somehow compensate him for the risk of having to get within close proximity of Toni without sufficient protective gear.

    For some unknown reason, the guys think that clinking their mugs together makes a binding contract. Hmmm, just as good as a notary public in Paradise, I guess. These Hotel guests need me:

    LG in Paradise: Hey guys, to have an enforceable contract, you need:

    1.) a meeting of the minds, and
    2.) consideration.

    What does Dave stand to benefit for accepting this deal?

    Alex: Dave’s a raging dork with manboobies who will do anything to look cool in the eyes of the other guys, and he thinks this will make him look cool.

    LG: Thanks Alex, everything is in order. Carry on. How 'bout we have a limbo contest to see who needs to try to remove Toni's bra with their teeth?
    Fresh Meat, Bearing Flowers

    With no further ado, Tara arrives. She’s been watching at home, like us, and sees that it will be tough to break in with this cliquey group. Tara’s first words: “I think you all need to get lei’d” and passes out pink and blue flower leis that she made for everyone. She gives two to Dave, as this poor guy really needs to get lei’d and this is his best chance.

    The guys all talk about how hot she is and how all the “old” girls are nervous now. Yeah, like this group knows anything about “old” with Toni blubbering about turning 29 and Scott being treated like a village elder because he’s “crossed over” and is 30. The girls talk about needing to “play the game” now, which is rather tough in a “game” where the rules change without notice.

    And when Fox isn’t changing the “rules” the Guests impose new ones on themselves. Oh yes, we’re back talking about “the bet of the day.” Dave needs to kiss Tara by midnight or he must give Toni a lap-dance, and now it seems everyone knows about it except Tara. Dave talks to Tara about playing tennis. Tara asks Dave which woman he could do without. Dave says, if you pick Beau, Amanda would be much less protected. Then Dave ponders that Tara should hook up with him, as he doesn’t want to leave Paradise “empty handed”. Actually I’d guess at least one of your hands has been quite active lately, Dave.

    The guys picked well, as finally someone will answer the question that they keep asking women who refuse and cop a ‘tude. How many guys has Tara been with? In the 40s approximately. More ammo for the Chicken Coop Coalition to snub Tara.

    Dave- How 'bout it, LG? How many?
    LG - Hmmm, If they ask me on my first day, I'm pleading the 5th. If they ask me at the bottom of a 5th of vodka, I'm sure it would be a topic of discussion at the FORT the next day.
    Cinderella and the Pumpkin Carriage

    It’s almost Midnight and Dave is still trying to sneak in that kiss with Tara, which he had for some reason agreed to do in front of the other guys. It's been weeks and he's only had one kiss with Kristin in the midst of a kissing contest, yet somehow Dave thought he could summon the courage to kiss Tara within a matter of hours of meeting her. The guys oblige Dave’s efforts and being the good eye-witnesses that they are, all “hide” in Tara’s single room then Dave takes her there for a “quick walk” to sneak in his kiss.

    The guys are starting to accept Dave. Want proof? How about this exchange: “He’s going to use the old, I want to show you something in your room ploy. What a dork!” “I know, but he’s a cool dork.” Dave stops her from putting on a bikini in front of everyone. The guys now decide that he’s not such a cool dork anymore.

    Dave asks Tara for Chapstick. She gives him lip gloss. Dave says “you are the best thing to happen to Paradise Hotel since, um ME.” That's smooth. I wonder why Dave hasn't had much luck hooking up? Tara sayts that she expected him to take off his shirt and show her his “man-boobies”. Dave is a little taken back, but says that “New Dave” isn’t phased by that, “New Dave” can take a joke. The other girls bust in, and the time runs out, so “New Dave” needs to strip down to his plaid boxers and give Toni a lap dance. He loses the bet and the remaining shreds of his dignity, but hopefully nothing nearer and dearer to him in his “brief” encounter with Toni’s lap. How long has Dave been in the tropics? Why doesn’t he have a tan? Good grief, he isn’t just white, he’s Oxydol white.

    It’s My Birthday and I’ll Cry If I Want To

    Toni is shown whining to Beau in their room about being old (at 29) and having nothing in her life. His super-sensitive response is to scream at her: “you’re beautiful, SHUT UP! You’re beautiful.” Uh oh, didn’t she threaten him with death last time he told her to shut up. Watch out Beau, once she stops wallowing in self-pity, she’ll rip your lips off. Wait a minute. I’m older than Toni. Heck, I’m older than Grampy Scott.

    LG in Paradise: Waaaah, I’m Old!

    Beau: SHUT UP, you’re not hideous, SHUT UP!

    LG: Waaaaah, it’s my birthday and I don’t have everything I want!

    Beau: SHUT UP, um a couple of people think you’re sort of funny, SHUT UP!

    LG: Waaaaaah, aren’t you glad that you picked me as your roommate instead of Kavita?

    Beau: SHUT UP! No, I’m serious, you’ve really got to SHUT UP or I'm getting out the duct tape!
    Another Hit (On) and a Miss for Charla and Scott

    Ok, enough of Toni and her victim, er, roommate Beau, let’s go peak into another bedroom with our night vision lenses. My personal favorite guest, Scott, is complimenting Charla for looking beautiful as always, and carrying herself like a lady. Thinking that this compliment of her decorum is a sign that Scott is diggin’ her now, despite the fact that he shot her down a couple weeks ago, Charla tries hitting on him AGAIN. Scott turns away Charla’s advances AGAIN. I am laughing hysterically AGAIN and continue to build my shrine to Scott in my bedroom. Scott isn't a bed-hopping fiend, seems to have some sense, doesn't fly off the handle and constantly bring up his childhood, yes, he's a dream man. Well, at least in the context of this show, he is the prize. Yes, Scott’s fending off Charla’s advances because he’s saving himself for the right Hotel Guest. Hmmm, who could that be? PSSSSSST Guys, Vote LG!

    Another Day in Paradise – Wake Up and Scheme

    The next day, Charla and Dave try to get Tara into their “outsiders” clique. She seems receptive, as most of the guests have just completely ignored her so far. Others are thinking about who should be the next to leave. Who is this person talking? Oh, it’s Kristin. I didn't remember that she was still there? Has she had more than 10 second of screen time in any episodes so far? Kristin says “we’re all ready for Amanda to go” and Kristin is planning to pick whomever Amanda picks. Elsewhere, Charla and Tara pinky swear to watch each other’s backs. Oooh, now we have the Chicken Coop and the Pinky Swears. This sounds like a scene from Grease or West Side Story, with the inevitable clash of the girl gangs coming in the next episode.

    Field trip to the beach. Everyone enjoys the surf except Amanda, who pouts on a recliner, and bitches to Charla that Toni, Kristin and Amy want her gone. Well, I've been rather uncharitable in my comments about Amanda, but at least she knows what's going on. I'm actually starting to hope that she stays just to break up the Chicken Coop Three. Dave joins them under an umbrella, as his 3 minutes of sun allocation were done for that day. Gotta maintain that neon white glow somehow in the tropics.

    Let’s Get Ready to Rumble in the Mud-Pool

    Tara got an invite to “fulfill her fantasy.” Given that she’s already been with 40 men, I can hardly fathom what FOX can air on primetime that will meet this description. FOX treats us to a clip of Tara’s “audition” for the Hotel where she challenged Scott to a mud fight. I’m not an expert in mud-fighting, but I did not realize that mud-pool wrestling required oiling up first. Tara gets to slather oil all over Scott. I'm jealous.

    Zach sure isn’t Miles Lord with the ring announcing. Let’s face it: Zach really can’t talk coherently about anything other than himself. Scott pins Tara in the mud. She is covered in it, but a good sport. Watch those holds, Tara, I want Scott in good condition when I get to the Hotel.

    We must have missed some “bet” set-up as the next thing we see is Alex losing 4 consecutive “rock, paper, scissors” to Beau, with the punishment of a wrestling match in the mud-pool with Toni. Alex pins Toni. The guys then make Dave wrestle Toni without the benefit of the equitable method of “rock, paper, scissors.” She’s grabbing him by the ears. He pins her, but then she cries foul that he grabbed her top, proving once and for all what a wicked witch she is. She wants Dave out next. Maybe she fails to grasp that it is a FEMALE leaving this week. Maybe she fails to grasp that she IS a female.

    Toni hits up Tara for info about the group. Tara points out the cliques. Toni tells her she came at the perfect time, as she’s safe. I would think the perfect time to arrive would be right after Toni left, as the rest of the guests would be elated with the lack of drama.

    Tara confessional: "I could be friends with Toni, but I wouldn’t really choose that."

    Tara, you’re ok by me. I’m joining you, Charla, Dave, and fringe member Amanda in the “misfits” clique at the Hotel. I’m sure we can lure over Scott, or win him in a bet or something, and then we can vote in some guys who doesn't spend quite so much time gazing at their own navels.

    The Most Explosive Pandora’s Box Session EVER!

    This section is just like Home Depot, we've got questions, and we've got answers. The question I've never had answered with this segment, however, is why? Why are they asking these very personal and mean-spirited questions to people that they need to live with and who will be determining their "fate" on the show? Just one of the mysteries of life for me, like quantum physics, and how did the series "Baby Bob" ever get a timeslot, not once, but twice, on network tv?

    Beau – is there a guy that you can’t trust? Dave, because he’s acting quite abnormal, and he’s playing the game too much. Yeah, we prefer people who don't try.

    Tara – people think you haven’t taken the time to get to know them. Is that your strategy, or are you just rude? She respondes that she wasn’t meaning to be rude, just trying to be quiet and get to see how things work at the Hotel.

    Dave – you’re quoted as saying that you are the smartest person here. How do you feel knowing that no-one trusts you? Dave denies saying it. Toni screams BULLSHIT, I’m calling BULLSHIT (or is that Beau-Shit?). Toni clucks “I’m the reliable source and you’re full of shit!” Toni says that she overheard Dave say it to "someone" but doesn't name a listener. No-one corroberates her story, yet Toni continues to rage and shockingly people listen to her. It’s Dave’s turn to have his eyes bulge out in disbelief of Toni’s rude outburst. He must not have been a Love Cruise viewer.

    INTERRUPTION ALERT --- Right in the middle of this encounter, FOX interrupts with an ad for new show this fall called Skin. Yup, I can see the ripple effect of this show’s success in the fall schedule.

    We’re back. David calls Toni an “over-actress.” See, birthday girl, you don't have "nothing", you got your career of over-acting, all before you turn 30. Dave tries to keep his calm even though Zach joins in with Toni’s unfounded witch hunt. Actually, I think Zach only started talking because he realized that no-one had mentioned his crappy childhood in over 10 minutes. Dave’s struggling to maintain his composure while he says: “You can believe me or not, but it’s the *bleeping* truth.” People start clapping for no apparent reason.

    Amanda – can you tell us why we should keep you in the game now that we know your feeling for Jason? It’s made Amanda happier having Jason visit (and sending him packing). Besides Beau’s kiss, I won’t hook up with anyone in the game. FOX graciously shows us clips of her kissing 3 different guys. Alex calls her out for saying that she wants to tear his clothes off when he visits her in Florida. He questions why she told Jason that she wouldn’t leave with him. Amanda’s answer “I’m not ready to go.” Ok, do I get to call a "Bullshit" now?

    That’s all she wrote for this show folks.

    Wait, there is one more question in Pandora’s Box!

    LG – since you’ve been recapping the show, has your desire to join the other guests in the Hotel waned? Why yes, I’d much rather read about them than join them. Unless of course Scott put in a special request for a roommate. *wink, wink*
    If you’re in the camp where you'd rather read them than join them, join us next week for more recaps from the FORT recappers pool. Please note that there area new episodes airing on Tuesday and Wednesday next week, instead of the usual Monday and Wednesday. If you have any questions or comments, my email address is lurkinggirl@fansofrealitytv.co m So long from Paradise!
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    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    Now take a bow, LG.

    Loved the comments about Dave's neon-white no-tanness. But speaking as a dude with a physique similar to Dave's, it's much less scarier if he keeps his shirt on forever. Trust me.

    And I definately think Scott's the coolest guy there. He's the only one not caught up in all the high school bullshit of the other contestants.

    Oh, one thing though: I thought it was Kristin that said she had been with 40-something guys, at dinner when they were doing the name-tag thing.
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    LG.
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    Was it Kristin? Why on earth would she have volunteered that information after how many weeks on the show? I thought that was something that they liked to ask newbies.

    Just goes to prove I really have no clue who Kristin is on this show. I guess she had two 10 second clips on the last show.
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    Very funny stuff LG!
    Some of my favourite lines:

    Quote Originally Posted by LG.
    For some unknown reason, the guys think that clinking their mugs together makes a binding contract. Hmmm, just as good as a notary public in Paradise, I guess.
    I completely forgot about this whole clinking of galsses and Beau saying "contract" with each clink. Maybe Beau has a bit of lawyer in him too.

    Quote Originally Posted by LG.
    How long has Dave been in the tropics? Why doesn’t he have a tan? Good grief, he isn’t just white, he’s Oxydol white. ...
    Dave joins them under an umbrella, as his 3 minutes of sun allocation were done for that day. Gotta maintain that neon white glow somehow in the tropics.
    I also thought it was hillarious when Scott jumped out of the Dark to scare Beau who was raiding their room for snacks. Scott is easily the best guest on the show.

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    Yep it was Kristin that said she has been with 40+ people.

    Oh and I thought Beau and Alex tied the first three times in their rock paper scissors competition - guess two fools seldom differ.

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    JR.
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    I love it LG!
    I'd definitely pick you as a roomie

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    LG Kudos to you and the other recappers.

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    Nicely done.

    I hope you're right about there ebing two camps of girls setting up. I would like to see a little more strategy and a little less creating tension (TONI) out of nothing.

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    I also thought it was hillarious when Scott jumped out of the Dark to scare Beau who was raiding their room for snacks. Scott is easily the best guest on the show.
    Is that what Beau was doing? I never did figure out why he went into Scott and Charla's room. He went over to where Charla was laying in bed and looked like he said something to her, then was going to leave when Scott jumped out of hiding.

    And I agree with you... Scott IS the coolest person on there.
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    Loved your recap LG!!
    Quote Originally Posted by LG.
    I am laughing hysterically AGAIN and continue to build my shrine to Scott in my bedroom. Scott isn't a bed-hopping fiend, seems to have some sense, doesn't fly off the handle and constantly bring up his childhood, yes, he's a dream man.
    I don't know why LG, but the shrine comment had me for so long, my coworkers asked what was up. Couldn't admit why I was laughing. I would get teased for at least 3 months...


    Quote Originally Posted by LG.
    The Most Explosive Pandora’s Box Session EVER!

    This section is just like Home Depot, we've got questions, and we've got answers. The question I've never had answered with this segment, however, is why? Why are they asking these very personal and mean-spirited questions to people that they need to live with and who will be determining their "fate" on the show? Just one of the mysteries of life for me, like quantum physics, and how did the series "Baby Bob" ever get a timeslot, not once, but twice, on network tv?
    Home Depot and "Baby Bob" comments!!

    I can't believe we have to wait until Tuesday to find out who goes home!
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