OK, you know how they say that your past mistakes come back to haunt you? Well, I must have some really bad karma or something, because it's my turn to recap Paradise Hotel, and—wouldn't you know it? —it's a "very special" 90-minute episode. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Oh well, I suppose there's really nothing I can do about it, so I'd better just deal with it.
(Now, before I go any further, I should say that I had seen a total of maybe 15 minutes of the show total before last night's episode. So, if my assessments of these people are way off base, blame it on that.)
This show's Dramatic Voiceover Man opens the show by welcoming us all to Paradise Hotel, the most beautiful resort in the world. Yeah, whatever. We don't even know where this wonderful resort is. I'm thinking it's on a studio back lot somewhere, but that's just me. Anyway, we get the "Previously on 'Paradise Hotel'" recap, and I use it to learn a few things about some of the people on the show. Zack apparently thinks his s*** doesn't stink and that he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, telling Amy "I'm totally better" and "I'm the better looking one". After seeing (and reading here) about all the crap Zack has given Amy, I do not understand why she keeps putting up with it. Again, whatever. We get brought up to date on the whole Beau/Amanda, um, relationship. We find out that Toni has been christened the "resident psychologist". We see Dave and Charla form their "pinkie swear" alliance. We also see Kavita come and go almost as quickly as "The Family" did. With that, the "Previously On Paradise Hotel" segment is finally over.
HostessAmanda (as opposed to GuestAmanda) walks out and welcomes us to the show (didn't DVM already do that?). She tries to infuse drama and tension into the show by promising surprises and reminding us that the guests have been told to expect the unexpected. OK, thanks, Amanda. Can we just get through the torture that is this show, please?
We next see the women sitting around reflecting on their decision to invite Matt and not Brian to PH. They say that Brian "played too much" and that "Matt seems more real". Yeah, Matt's real. He's a real jerk. They don't know that yet, of course, but I'm hoping they'll find out soon enough. We then get the guys' take on the decision to invite Matt to join the group. Well, rather, we get another episode of The Zack 'It's All About Me' Show. Zack is "amazed" that the girls find Matt attractive, and he takes the opportunity to remind anyone within earshot that he's better looking, is in better shape, and…oh, for the love of God, would someone please push Zack off a cliff or something? We then see the girls again, and this time, they're talking about the abuse Dave got from Brian during the recent question session. They talk about the whole "man boobs" thing and how hurt/upset Dave is about it. In a bit of a snappish tone, Dave asks them to quit talking about it. Um, no offense, Dave, but if you yourself hadn't brought the subject up when y'all were around the pool, nobody would be talking about it. Dave gets up from the table and announces that he's going to bed early. He says he'll be fine and that he doesn't need or want anyone to come talk to him "about it". So, what does Charla do? She gets up a few minutes later and says that she's going to go talk to Dave. Is it me, or does Dave really look like Prince Charles' long-lost American cousin? Anyway, Charla goes to try to comfort Dave, and he says he doesn't want to talk. He tells her that it was a "big mistake" for him to do the show. Actually, the big mistake was for FOX to put the show on the air at all, but I digress. He goes on to tell Charla, "They tugged at my two areas of most sensitivity." I'm thinking he's talking about his two man boobs, but he's referring to his physical appearance and his relationships with women.
We come back from a break, and it's time for Matt to make his grand entrance. The limo drives up, and the wannabe Celine steps out, accompanied by the man of the hour, Matt. HostessAmanda brings Matt to meet the rest of the group, and he tells Zack right away, "I knew you were gonna clash with me from the start." Zack is clearly not amused. Of course, there's probably not much that Matt could say or do that would amuse The Pompous One except for falling to his knees in front of him and saying, "Omigod, Zack, you are sooooooo handsome and in suuuuuuuuuuuch good shape. I want to be just like you." Charla picks up on Zack's cold reaction to Matt and says, "The guys always get jealous." Zack further endears himself to the group when he says that "Amy is the only fun one" there. Way to make points there, Matt. When it's time to pick a roommate, Matt chooses Charla. This sends a look of panic across Dave's face that can be seen from miles away. Dave says he's "OK with it", but I'm not buying that for a second. When Toni asks Matt why he picked Charla, he tells her, "I picked a roommate that would give me the freedom to meet everybody." Translated, that means, "I picked a roommate that I wouldn't feel bad fooling around on." Geez, this guy is a jerk.
We move on from Matt over to the developing Beau-GuestAmanda-Alex triangle, and we see Alex telling Amanda, "I know I'm right about the argument with Beau." The camera then cuts to a Beau confessional where he says, "I'm not going to backstab anyone to stay here." If that's the case, Beau, you'd better thank your lucky stars this isn't Survivor. You wouldn't have lasted long there at all. We then cut back to Alex and Amanda, who are now in Amanda's bed. Amanda asks Alex, "Have I told you that I really want to hook up with you tonight?" Alex says he wants to "hook up" with Amanda as well. Christ, you two…just do it and get it over with! Amanda tells Alex that she will probably talk to him more than she will to Beau when this is all over. Now, I find this surprising, seeing as how Amanda had supposedly been cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs over Beau until this point. But, whatever. The camera then cuts to Beau and Toni who are chatting. Beau stands up and says that he's going to bed. Cue the dramatic music! Beau's heading to bed, and Alex is in said bed with Amanda! Oh, the drama of it all! I'm making some notes at this point when I hear a female voice talking about the first time she got genital herpes. I look up, thinking it's probably Amanda, but it's only a commercial. Oh well…
We come back from commercial, and we're now looking in on Matt and his new roommate Charla. Matt tells Charla, "I'll be a gentleman…the first night." Oh, eeuuwww. This guy is total cheese. Matt displays his skeeviness even more a few minutes later when Charla tells him, "I think it's sexy when girls make out." Matt lets out a guttural chuckle and thanks Charla for saying that. Yes, thank you, Charla. Thank you ever so much. Matt and Charla continue to chat, and I keep waiting for some music from "Grease" to start playing, as Matt bears more than a passing resemblance to John Travolta. Matt starts to massage Charla's neck, and then we cut to Dave all alone in his room, snoring away. Back to Matt and Charla, and Charla tells Matt, "I never thought I'd feel like this here." Feel like what where, Charla? Oh, wait…you're still talking about the massage, aren't you? Cut back to Dave continuing to snore away. Back to Charla, who is now giving Matt a massage. Matt lets out a few "oohs" and says "aaah, yeah", and I'm suddenly wondering if I'm watching Paradise Hotel or some soft-core porn show on the Spice Channel. Come to think of it, the Spice Channel would be the perfect home for this you'd-better-hook-up-or-you'll-be-leaving-paradise-FOREVER! show…
It's now the next morning, and the gang is at breakfast (I guess the guys and girls eat separately?). John Travolta—I mean Matt—and Charla have had their first night together, so now I'm thinking we'll see the two of them break out into "Summer lovin', had me a blast…Summer lovin', happened so fast…I met a girl crazy for me…Met a boy (doo wop wop wop) cute as can be…" but we get none of that. There's evident tension between Dave and Matt, but the two of them go off to play tennis together. Dave asks Matt if he's happy with his choice of Charla. Pouring some more salt into Dave's wound, Matt says, "Oh, yeah. I picked a good roommate." Later on, we hear Dave say in a voiceover, "What is he doing? Is he moving in on my territory?" Um, your territory, Dave? Oh, sure. You've only known her a couple of weeks, but she's already your territory. Whatever you say, Rico Suavé. We then see a bunch of the guests in the pool while Charla and Matt are on lounge chairs at poolside. Matt tries to get Charla to join him in a bath, but Charla is non-committal about it. Matt moves on and joins the rest of the gang in the pool. Charla gets up to go take a nap.
Matt wastes no time in searching for a new tub bud, and he sets his sights on Amanda. We then see Matt sing "The Unfinished Song" to Amanda right in front of Beau, and Amanda gets all googly-eyed over it. I expect her to break out into "Hopelessly Devoted To You" at this point, but thankfully she doesn't. In the funniest moment (at least to me) of the show, Beau then takes a pen and paper and writes a stupid song about a cow. This elicits laughs from everyone, including me. We next see Amanda going to her room with Beau…no, it's Alex…no, wait…it's Matt. Since Charla wouldn't take him up on his offer, Matt asks Amanda if she'd like to take a bath with him. She ponders it, but before she can really say anything, Beau walks into the room. There's brief chitchat between the three of them, and then Beau goes into the bathroom. Matt and Amanda play a little tonsil hockey, and then Matt leaves.
We come back from a break, and it's time for another installment in The Zack 'It's All About Me' Show. Once again, he's yelling at Amy (when does he do anything else?) and is asking her, "When are you going to get to know me?" He's then in the ladies room asking telling two of the other girls, "I have a colorful personality." Then, in an attempt (IMO) to play on the girls' emotions, he says, "I don't cry because I can't anymore." We then hear him tell some story (while his voice begins to break) about how his parents had this big fight over money blah blah blah…Why is Zack still around?
It's time for a group meal and a game of "Pandora's Box". Each person writes down a question they'd like one of the others to answer. Dave tells us he'd send home Scott and Charla first because he already knows them and he could use the time to get to know the rest of the group. Matt says he thinks Tori is the most trustworthy of the female guests. Of course, if he didn't say that, Tori could probably kick his ass. Tori says she thought Amanda was "shady" for the longest time but that they've put a lot of that behind them. Kristin says that Amy and Tori are the most trustworthy of the women and that Amanda is the least trustworthy. Beau says that his confidence level hasn't dropped; rather, he's just sitting back more and observing. Amy says Zack is "one of the most amazing people" she's ever met. OK, you know what, Amy? If you can't see that Zack is treating you like crap, then you just stay with him. Alex says that he's concluded that he and Amanda have a love/hate relationship. Finally, Amanda says that her relationship with Beau has become more of a friendship than an attraction. After dinner, we see Matt and Amanda playing around in the pool. Cue "You're The One That I Want"…
When we come back from break, we see Beau/Alex/Amanda talking in one of the rooms. Beau tells Alex that he can't trust him anymore, and Alex doesn't look to upset about that. Alex then turns around and asks Beau if he and Amanda are "just friends", why is he so upset about Alex hanging out with her. Score one for Alex there. Beau then gives this dramatic little speech where he says that he and Alex were friends and that he did trust him in the past, but now the friendship means nothing. But, Beau is still glad he got to know Alex. Alex says that he is glad to have gotten to know Beau, but Beau cuts him off, saying, "No, you aren't…you don't care!" and storms out the door.
We next see the group gathered together and Wannabe Celine walks out and reminds them once again that there could be surprises at every turn. She then asks Amanda to stand up, and she tells Amanda that she has something for her. As if on cue, from around the corner comes Amanda's ex-boyfriend Jason. Amanda and the rest of the group are stunned. We aren't of course, because DVM has been telling us this was coming at every commercial break. Anyway, Amanda and Jason hug, and Amanda tells Jason, "I love you." Oh, yeah…you were all over Beau like white on rice. Then you moved on to Alex. Then, you played tonsil hockey with Matt in the pool and on your bed. Oh, yeah, that's love alright. As we go to commercial break, my partner looks at me and says, "Is this s*** over yet?" I myself was thinking that about ten minutes into the show…
We come back from the break, and we learn that Jason will be with the group for 48 hours. We then see Amanda and Jason walking around the hotel, and they end up in her room where they launch into a pretty deep talk (well, deep by Amanda standards, anyway). Amanda tells Jason that she kissed Beau, but after that, she says, "I haven't kissed anyone else." We then see clips of her with Alex and her with Matt, so she's basically busted. Next we see Beau and Alex talking (Wait…I thought they couldn’t stand each other any longer…?). Beau tells Alex that if Jason comes up to him and gives him crap for how he's "treated" Amanda, he's going to spill the beans to Jason about just how little Miss Amanda has been behaving. Alex says he'll do the same. We then see Jason and Amanda together in her bathroom later, and she asks him if asking her to leave PH is something he would do. He says that, yes, he would ask her to leave "the most beautiful resort in the world" (*hurl*) and go home with him when his 48-hour stay is over. But, will Amanda leave? That, my friends, is the question…
Well, there you have it—my "guest recap" for the latest episode of PH (which, if you ask me, should be called "P.U."). I hope you enjoy reading it. In the meantime, I'm off to look for some heavy-duty disinfectant. After watching that sleazy show and reliving it while writing this recap, I feel like I need a serious hot shower to get rid of all the slime.
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