7/2 Episode Recap
Kisses, Kissing Contests, and Dave
It all seems so clear now. It was a nice sunny morning. You know, the kind of late spring, early summer morning where the air is fresh, the birds are chirping, and your jerk neighbor is mowing the yard at 7am.
No matter, as I was in good spirits. I’d just finished my daily sabbatical of chasing dogs in circles around the local running trail. I had my mandatory cup of coffee in hand as I logged into the FORT. Hmmm… we need writers for the latest FOX show. No problem, I can sign up for one of those dates. After all, I have recapped Joe Millionaire and Married By America, how bad could it be?
So that is how I came to be a recapper of this amazingly pointless show. We all realize that they are playing for “nothing” right? There is no prize, no reward, other than living in the so-called hotel with cameras on you day and night… hey… wait a second! That is the reward isn’t it? They get free fame, and FOX is smart enough not to payout a million bucks, or anything else, for it and it can keep this going indefinitely. Those brilliant crazy bastards!
So, jug of Clorox nearby, just in case I need to bleach my eyes out, I slam a shot of Bundaberg rum, and I am ready to begin.
The show does a quick recap of the previous events. For a better explanation, see Ducky and John’s great recaps from the last two shows.
Ewwwww! You Kissed Dave!
We join the hotelers as they begin their usual evening festivities, that being drinking.
Beau notes that Kavita said the first thing she would do when she gets to the hotel is pick a roommate. Scott chimes in with the news that Kavita said “I break hearts, that’s about it.” Then someone adds “That sounds like Amanda.” Of course we see pouting Amanda right after that.
Toni is tired of the judgmental attitudes and in her deep intimidating voice lays down the law. All judging and picking apart of the new person should stop now. I agree, as after Dave, what else can you pick on with the next person?
Toni also confesses to we, the viewers, that after every new hotel guest selection, the remaining Paradise folks have a lot of pent up energy, and something crazy happens. So I am guessing you folks have pent up energy all the time, as all we would need to do is bring in Nurse Ratched, add a couple white coats, and we have ourselves One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest 2 with this group.
Beau and Alex have an idea! They want to have a kissing contest with all six ladies. Well we all want that guys, but surely these women would never… oh… I guess they will.
Okay then, the contest begins and Amanda is first up. She gives each guy a peck on the cheek and then heads off to bed. Good for the self-respect, but crappy for ratings, come on Toni, crack that whip!
Toni is next, she gets a little more active. Kissing deeply with most all the guys, well expect for Dave. Charla matches her, kiss for kiss, but seems to save her “best” for Zach. Kristin likes a good challenge, and she straddles each guy, including Dave, pretty much suffocating them first in her ample cleavage and then with her mouth. Ahhh, good times.
Then things start to go bad. Alex decides he wants three kisses at once. Now, there has to be no way these women would be stupid enough to… oh… I guess they are. Amy, Kristin, and Toni, grant Alex his desire. Then Amy and Toni get together for a little fun on the floor together.
Hand Puppets! Always Great Fun!
This is all too much for Zach. He storms off heading back to his room. Amy wants to know what he is mad about, and he makes up some lame story about the girls kissing. Zach, most guys have no problem with that, and if you are jealous, just get even by running over to Dave and swapping a little spit. I am sure he needs the attention after Kristin’s visit.
Amy insists that no actual kiss occurred between her and Toni, well aside from their lips touching, and that doesn’t count as kissing, does it?
Zach feels that he is not getting his point across, so perhaps visual aids would help. Using his hands, he mimics what a kiss looks like. It is pretty funny, but I wonder if Zach could make a career out of this as a roving sex educator for the youth of America. He could show kissing, fondling, etc… all in a non-threatening, PG manner, well that is unless the pinky gets mixed up with the index finger, then all bets are off.
Amy is confused by the puppet show, and continues to press Zach for what is really bothering him, and then the floodgates open. Zach is jealous. He says, “Why is he the one getting attention? I’m the one in shape. I am better looking.” Amy consoles poor Zach, who is shattered because he wasn’t the center of attention for the last five minutes.
I am going to need another shot of rum to get through this.
Charla Has Needs
Dave is sleeping, and Charla sneaks out to join Scott in the singles room. I’ll save the sappy dialog, but suffice to say she wants Scott to give it up. Scott, for some reason, doesn’t want to, and is arguing that Charla needs to be a good roommate to Dave, and that he will be mad if he finds out.
Charla purrs “please…” and says that Dave doesn’t have to know. You are right Charla, how would he ever find out? It’s not like there are TV cameras filming this discussion or anything.
Scott wants to go to the bathroom, and asks Charla to get off of him so he can. She even takes that as a sign of pending sex, wondering if he needs to do that so he can “perform”. No Charla, I am guessing he needs to do that based upon the current contents of his bladder, but hey, you go girl!
Charla threatens, “What if I am gone when you come back?”
Scott replies, “Perfect!”
Game, set, match, Mr. Scott
Charla slinks back to her day bed across the room from Dave. She is crying. Dave wants to know what is wrong.
They begin to commiserate with each other, about their problems and the other beautiful people who just aren’t as cool as they are. Dave offers up a strategy whereby they would continue to alternate selecting each other in the future. Charla sees through that ploy, and says no right away. Maybe Dave should have gone with hand puppets.
Dave says that at some point, someone is going to want to be with an older, smarter guy. I am sure you are right Dave… oh, were you referring to yourself there?
Finally, Dave feels like he has bonded with Charla, and he remembers that she did say that she “had to do what she needs to do, in order to stay”, if that isn’t someone crying out for a booty call, Dave isn’t sure what is. So he gets up to give her a hug, or more.
I begin reaching for the Clorox…
Charla’s response? “Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don’t make me uncomfortable!” There seems to be a bit of irony there. But, I breathe a sigh of relief. My eyes will stay blue for another day.
As the Sheets Turn
Beau and Amy are sleeping soundly, a respectable distance apart. What about the love of her life Zach? Well, he and Amanda are making out.
The next morning, Amanda spills the beans to Amy, but adds that Zach made the first move. Oh, so that makes it okay. I didn’t see you fighting him off Amanda. This news angers Amy, who confronts Zach.
Zach’s defense? Amanda made the first move.
What am I missing here? They are going to argue over the first move and not the freaking act itself? Amy! You bring the term pathetic to an entirely new level.
Amy confesses to us that she is stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I am guessing Zach is the rock. Amy further says that she is probably going to get hurt. Really? You think so, Amy?
I throw away the shot glass and start chugging directly from the bottle.
Host Amanda shows up the next morning, Kavita in tow. She gets the usual Paradise Hotel welcome, that being a group hug and a drink shoved in her face. Start killing the pain Kavita; you are going to need it.
Beau and Zach discuss who Kavita might choose. Beau speculates that it might well be Zach, and he says “fine, I don’t like inconsistent women.” Hmm. “Inconsistent” women? Is that like when milk goes bad? Does Amanda have some kind of expiration date tattooed on her butt? You didn’t seem to mind the inconsistencies last night Zach.
I start searching the liquor cabinet for something, anything, to drink.
I’m a Man! No, I’m a Man!
Alex and Beau begin arguing over Amanda and her flirting. Yes, you read that right. Amanda was getting it on with Zach last night, but somehow Alex and Beau feel they need to settle their dispute over Amanda’s flirtations. This has to be the stupidest argument I have ever seen, and as most drunken guy arguments go, it quickly devolves into a challenge of manliness.
These two are shouting at each other, right in front of Amanda. Nearby, Toni, Charla, and Zach are playing backgammon, which I have to confess is the last thing I ever would have expected to see from those three.
Amanda runs off crying to the arms of… Kavita! Yes, our newest hoteler has already established herself in the group. Toni senses a disturbance in the Force and races to join the group hug, asking “What happened? What happened?”
You know what happened Toni, you were right there next to it for gawd sakes! Amanda saw you standing right there behind Beau! Yet, the theme of this group seems to be “keep the myopia alive” and all is well, now that we have a three way hug.
Meanwhile, the argument continues, and for some odd reason Amanda decides to come into the room and take a shower. Yup. Two guys, not her current boy toy, almost coming to blows over her, and she decides to pour gasoline on the fire by walking around in a towel. Yeah, that should help.
Then Alex says, “I could care less about her!” while pointing at Amanda, while she is standing right there.
So Amanda is pretty offended by that right? NO! She is mad at Beau!
I throw away the booze and start drinking the Clorox. Please God, take me away from this madness.
Alex needs advice, and since FOX hasn’t yet brought in a panel of relationship experts to help sort it out, and don’t think I am not grateful for that, he decides to go to the next best thing. Scott. After explaining the situation, Scott takes a break from assisting Kristin with her towel issues to tell Alex that this situation is “like a tripod, and Amanda is in the middle”. Uhm, would that be a tripod or something else?
No matter, the truth is, Scott’s advice is dead on accurate, and I find that between this and the Charla bed incident, I finally have a character in this show that I can root for. Amanda is playing Beau off against Alex, and Zach doesn’t care because he is sleeping with her each night.
Can You Believe This Beau Crap?
Alex takes the information Scott has given him and apparently ignores it, for later that night, he is working on Amanda again. They trash Beau for how he was acting during the argument, and why not? Clearly Alex was a gentleman throughout the entire discussion, just ask him.
While Beau watches from across the pool, giving them both the psycho look, Alex presses on. He boasts, “If this comes up again, I am going to blow the roof off of this place!”
What the hell does that mean? Gee Alex, do you have secrets about people here? Yeah, because we wouldn’t want any embarrassing secrets to be shared with America about this group of upstanding individuals. No, we can’t have that at all.
Darn, out of Clorox. Where is that Drano?
Then Alex invents the phrase Beau crap, instead of bull crap. He has to say it twice before Amanda figures it out.
Beau confesses that he feels some things for Amanda. Therefore he confronts her about her behavior with Alex, and assures her that this “isn’t because I have feelings for you”. Yup. Nice try Beau.
Kavita’s Having a Difficult Time Getting Tired
With all of this bickering going on, we nearly forgot to let Kavita choose herself a man. The couples all come together, many fearing what she will do, while Dave and Charla are both praying for a reprieve.
She chooses Zach.
Most attendees are shocked, including Amy, who admits to all that she is a little upset. She says, “It’s a game, I gotta play it.” What is the game again? There is no prize here people!
Amanda packs, and Zach is upset. Is he upset for Amanda? Of course not! He is having another pity party about change. He doesn’t like people moving and stuff. Poor Zach, I wonder if he will find relief in the arms of his next girlfriend?
Speak of the devil, Kavita arrives and they go to sleep.
Or rather, Zach tries to go to sleep. Kavita, it seems, is not tired yet. She asks Zach, “How can I get tired?” and it is clear she wants his help *wink *wink *nudge *nudge. Zack doesn’t get it; he does want to help though.
Kavita says he should rub her arm. Yeah.
So, the rest of the night goes as follows:
…and we are not sure after that. It could have gone a couple of different ways. Either way, it seems Zach will be getting over the loss of Amanda fairly quickly.
The next night, all the hotelers assemble to go through the questions in Pandora’s Box, in which each guest submits a question to be directed to another guest. The hotelers must answer any questions put before them.
First up is a question for Scott. Why hasn’t he hooked up with anyone in Paradise? Scott replies that hooking up isn’t what he is all about. That might change, but not necessarily.
Dave is next, and they want to know if he has hooked up with Charla. Charla looks like she is going to hurl as Dave pauses and then says, “Based upon my definition, no.” Well, you know that Clintonesque answer is going to draw a follow on question of what his definition of hooking up is. David pauses further, much to Charla’s dismay, and then says, “No sex.” In fact he confesses that they have never kissed in the bedroom.
Dave, why couldn’t you just say that? It’s not like you wouldn’t get the crap beat out of you by Charla if you said anything else.
Conveniently enough, our next question goes to Charla. They want to know why she talks bad about Dave behind his back, yet tries to act cool in front of him. Wow. Dave is a little taken aback by that question. Clearly Charla needs to do some damage control. She says, “I’m not the only one who says those things.”
Okay, so Dave was hurting, now he is smacked down. Can it get worse? Why sure, this is a FOX show isn’t it?
Charla then says that she doesn’t like it when Dave touches her bare skin, like her shoulders. She says she is sorry, she will try to be more honest in the future.
This has been a horrible night for Dave. I am sure he doesn’t think of this as Paradise. He tries to talk to Charla about it back in their room. He admits that he felt very embarrassed. Charla says that she did not see it as embarrassing for him.
Now at first I thought that was just cruel, but then I remembered how she looked in Scott’s room earlier in the show, so I suppose she might be telling the truth. Maybe she doesn’t know what embarrassing feels like.
Dave is pretty emotional during this discussion, and to make matters worse, Zach and Beau are eavesdropping at their door. I had to laugh watching Zach crouch. It seems that he has to flex even when he is sneaking around.
Charla hears them outside and Dave charges out the door. Now Beau was smart enough to run off completely, while Zach crouches to the side of the patio, once again flexing. What he is thinking, I cannot determine. Maybe that is his double-secret invisible crouch? Shockingly, Zach is caught, but he says he was trying to sneak up on Scott. Yeah… quick thinking there.
Dave returns to Charla and gets his final smack down of the night, when Charla informs him that she did not come to the hotel looking for love. By the way Dave’s lips are quivering, I am guessing he didn’t see it that way.
New Day, New Ways to Embarrass Dave
Dave and Scott are playing paddleball recapping the tragic events from the previous evening. Dave keeps emphasizing that he is not into public embarrassment. Why is it you went on this show again?
Meanwhile, Charla and Kavita are discussing the matter as well. Kavita feels that Dave should have just been happy to be in the same bed as a woman. Yeah, Kavita, you aren’t that hot yourself, and frankly you practically had to beg Zach to make a move last night. No matter, as Charla spills the beans that she has not even shared the bed with him.
Later that night, the guests all assemble for dinner by the pool. Zach is getting along fine with Kavita, sharing his philosophy of flaws in women. I am sure it is a riveting discussion, however not in Amy’s eyes. For reasons that still are a complete mystery to me, she has her heart set on Zach, and this dinner is tearing her up.
Toni gives Amy a hug, no surprise there, and advises her to leave Zach alone for the night. He doesn’t know how to show his love for you, she says. Yeah, that’s it, Zach loves Amy. That has been obvious since that first night she chose him, and he told her flat out he wanted someone else.
They say love is blind, so someone should get Amy a guide dog. She tries to give Zach a hug, and he barely acknowledges her.
This leads to another cry fest between Zach and Amy. She wants to know why he ignores her, and rather than answer that, he says that she never asks about his childhood. This doesn’t really answer Amy’s question, but she is willing to roll with it.
So while he babbles on about no one caring or knowing him, Amy repeatedly asks him to tell her about it. This is a sad story; apparently Zach was abandoned at a grocery store by his mother as a child. Now, I don’t know if Mom came back 15 minutes later, or if this is just a story, but if true, then I do feel bad for Zach. That would be tough.
Again I ask though, what does that have to do with Amy’s question?
It doesn’t matter, I can’t take it any longer. The booze didn’t work, the Clorox didn’t work, the Drano didn’t work. The only thing that will bring me relief is wrapping up this recap.
Kavita and Zach argue. Someone cracks. Toni makes those weird eyes she does. Oh, and Paulie will be your recapper on Monday. Good luck sir! Your comments are welcome. Email: email@example.com