Good afternoon, everyone! Just like on Paradise Hotel, I’ve been selected to write this week’s recap. If I fail to “hook up” with the readers, I’ll be eliminated. So, sit back, grab some Cuervo and a handful of Xanax, and join me as…
Dramatic Voiceover man tells us this is the most exclusive resort in the world. Considering it’s not really a resort, but an old movie set, I’d be inclined to agree with him. I hope they plan to torch the place when they’re done, to keep any nasty virii from escaping.
While they’re showing the previews, I’ll take a moment to admit I haven’t watched the show so far. So, during these “previously on…” clips, I can’t help but notice that Dave must have to use those American Gladiator poles instead of Q-Tips to clean his ears. I have never seen a less attractive contestant on a reality show, barring of course Corey Feldman.
Amanda Byram, the poor-man’s Celine Dion impersonator, introduces our couples: Amy & Zack, Kristin & Alex, Toni & Andon, Charla & Scott, Amanda & Dave, and Beau is the outsider.
Poolside. Night. Eerie music. Nekkid massages. Cue Freddie Kreuger. Oh wait, wrong crapfest. In this one, everyone realizes that all the power’s in Charla’s hands, and everyone seems worried. Dave seems to be a little sloshed at the bar, slurring his fears to the Bartender about having to leave so soon. But like those trapped in Freddie’s nightmare, I can’t force myself to wake up.
Charla doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed with Dave, because he has weird feet. And what if their feet touched in the middle of the night? Eeeew. I’m not sure exactly what would happen, but I’m sure the penicillin you’ll be taking after this show will cure it anyway. No worries, girlfriend.
The guys all get notes that one of them will be leaving, and to pack up. They need to hire the Survivor treemail writer to spice these things up. Andon, talking to Toni, claims that this is one of the toughest mental tests he’s ever been though. Andon, buddy, all you’re doing is relaxing at a hotel and hooking up for survival. That should fit your mental ability just perfectly. But, Toni cries. Pay attention, dear reader – this becomes a common theme, and you saw it here first.
Beau wants to pick Amanda again, but isn’t sure she’d be able to handle that they’re just friends. To impress this point on us, they show Beau telling Amanda several times that they’re friends, to which Amanda says “if you say we’re friends one more time, I’m gonna smack you.” Beau looks taken aback, and stammers something like “but we’re frieeeeends!"
That night, gathered around Amanda is the cast, and that pool (I’m beginning to get the hint – either everything happens around the pool, or this resort is a LOT smaller than it appears, or their budget for the show is so small, they can only afford one camera, and it’s by the pool). The guys get to pick their roommates. The unattached dude leaves PH forever! Ooh, we get the surprise. You cannot pick the woman you’re currently rooming with. Shameless effort to increase the “hookup factor”.
Beau picks Amy, apparently to spite Amanda. Zack chooses Toni. Toni cries. Dave selects Charla, who does a full-body heave and recovers nicely. Scott takes Toni. Toni cries. Alex picks Toni, in what appears to be the stupidest move among the idiots on this show. Toni cries. Andon chooses Amy. What morons these guys are! They left two women un-chosen, and risked elimination.
Dave is immediately safe, having been the only smart one playing. Amy has to choose between Andon and Beau. She chooses Beau, who probably just needs a friend right about now.
Now Scott, Zack, and Alex are the choices for a crying Toni. Toni, through her tears, chooses Alex. Zack now has to choose either Amanda or Kristin. He chooses Amanda. Scott’s turn, and he picks Kristin, leaving Andon to choose, and double up on Amanda.
Amanda now gets to choose her guy, and kick either Andon or Zack to the curb, and out of the game. She picks Zack, and Andon goes bye-bye. Toni cries. Before we cut to commercial, we learn that Charla’s middle name is “Pinkie-swear”. I thought Charla was a unique name, but her parents really need to step away from the bong.
Now it’s time to pick the next guest. As Amanda interviews the guests about their choices the prior night, Toni cries.
The candidates: 24-year old massage therapist from Las Vegas, Desiree Boyd AND 23-year-old spokesmodel from Fort Lauderdale, Kavita Channe. Kavita impresses me by complaining about her butt, and then says “everyone’s anal about their butts.”
I really would have covered the questions the guests asked the contestants, but I was busy alternating between the dry heaves and laughing hysterically. Could they have asked any stupider questions. The only highlight was Beau saying “expecially”. And, Kavita is chosen, primarily because she tells the boys that she wants to be the hot fudge sundae that helps cool those hot boys down in paradise.
As Kavita and Amanda hop a limo to, presumably, the airport, I take the last swig of Cuervo and bid y’all adieu. Now, if anyone can tell me how to tell TiVo that if it records anything else based my having taped that show, I’ll toss it out the window, please PM me, or e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org