Paradise Hotel - episode 2 - 06/23/03
Hey kids, JR here. Some of you might know me from such recaps as Fear Factor and The Osbournes, but this week I tackle something much different. I think this show set a new record for me, as I was ready to bail after 5 minutes of the first episode. Oh this should be fun, here we go…
We start off with a review of last week’s shenanigans, but sadly we don’t get to see Charla’s battle with the childproof curtains. Host Amanda greets us, and lets us know that at the end of the show someone from the studio audience will be joining these folks in paradise.
The beautiful people are gathered in the pool of course, when Zack decides to kiss a few of the ladies. First Amanda, then Melanie, and when he goes for Toni, she grabs him and practically violates him right on the spot. Wow, that didn’t take long, only about 2 minutes in.
We hear various comments from the gang about how they don’t want to leave, and the talk turns to Charla. Poor, poor Brittney – uh I mean Charla. She’s shown spending time alone, and the guys say that she has to try harder. Hmmm, foreshadowing? I think it would help if she actually talked to someone.
Beau and Amanda share a special moment while applying lotion, and she makes it known that she’d be willing to move if she found the right someone. She then says that her mom and dad would love Beau. Whoa, slow down honey, you’ve known this guy for what…10 minutes? He looks a little concerned.
Later on during dinner, the ladies decide that they want to see which guy has the best butt. All the guys line up and the women proceed to fondle their hind quarters while commenting about cracking walnuts. Why would anyone do that? I bet those shells would be uncomfortable. When they’re done groping, the women huddle up to determine the winner. After some discussion, the results are: 3RD runner up is Andon; 2ND runner up is Scott; and the winner is…Zack. Well, he is an ass so it’s only fitting that he wins this. I’m just glad that I don’t have to listen to him bitch about how his ass is better than the other guys.
The focus shifts back to Charla, as Andon starts making moves.
Charla: It’s hard when people don’t accept me for the way I am. I feel like I’m expected to be like all of the other girls but I’m not.
WTF is she talking about?
And the guys, these aren’t men, these are 16 year olds and all they do is talk about boobs and act like retards.
Honey, I’m going to let you in on something – we’re guys, that’s what we do. We talk about boobs from the time we can talk until we take our last breath. Get used to it.
Beau comments that he and Amanda “connected”, but then goes on to make a boneheaded move. He says that he would like to meet other people, and when she asks if that involves switching roomies he say that he might need to get away for a week. Nice move Romeo. Amanda slams a pillow against the wall, and he goes out for a walk.
Charla and Zack are hanging by the pool when he suggests that they go back to her room. Without much discussion, she agrees and they head off. At that time, we see Andon checking to see if Toni is asleep before taking a stroll of his own. I wonder where he’s going?
Back in Charla’s room, the 2 of them are in bed sucking face when there’s a knock at the door. Guess who…it’s Andon. Zack gets up and hides in the closet, while Charla lets Andon in. How cozy. They proceed to lay in bed with Zman still in the closet, and Andon starts laying it on thick:
Andon: Look at you, you’re gorgeous. You’re definitely one of the hottest girls here.
Charla: There are only 6 girls there and it makes me vomit watching all of the couples. Andon: What couples?
Charla: All you guys.
Andon: Toni and I are not a couple.
Priceless stuff folks. They talk about not wanting to leave and he mentions getting Melanie out of there.
The next day at breakfast, Charla gets an envelope from the butler. The other girls get quiet and look away, probably thinking that it’s her ticket home. If they were thinking that, they were oh so wrong. In the first twist of the night, the letter reads: Today you’ll be going on a private luxury excursion with the guy of your choice, pick whichever guy you want he can’t say no. Ha. Empty stares and fake smiles appear on the other women’s faces. We see the first hint of eye-bulging from Toni.
Charla struts around, pretending to look confused, before finally going over and snatching Andon away from Toni. Toni is pissed, so she goes off to do push-ups. Be afraid Charla, be very afraid. The yacht shows up, and the 2 are on their merry way.
Amy thinks that now would be a good time to talk to Zack. Uh, better late than never I guess. She says she likes him and has a lot of fun when it’s just the 2 of them, but she still feels awkward. “Sorry” he says. She presses on, and gets no response from him. “Hello” she snaps, ‘well, I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you”. He finally answers “you’re sorry you’re not good enough, but I slept with you the first night? You’re sorry it’s not good enough for me? That’s funny, I told you I’m sorry, I’m not aying it anymore”. “Ok”, she says, “you don’t have to say it anymore”. “It’s like talking to a mime” he counters. “Hey, can I be over this” she asks. “I was over this, I open myself up to you, what more can I do” he asks. She ends the argument by saying that sometimes he’s an ass. Well Amy, your first clue should’ve been at dinner when he told you that he had hoped that 2 of the other girls would’ve picked him. Do you have any self esteem? I was totally confused by this argument.
Back at the boat, the new couple does a bit of snorkeling. They pull up to some beach area and stand under the outdoor shower. Charla starts feeling sick and eventually blows chunks. When Andon comes over to check on her she calls him Alex. Ouch, that hurts. He gets a bit snippy when she asks him to rub her back, “only if you promise not to puke on me” he says. In a voiceover she says that he’s now being a jerk and only cares about himself. Well princess, maybe if you got his name right he’d be a little nicer.
At the resort, the women get cards delivered stating that one of them will be sent home tonight. We get multiple shots of them looking worried and saying how much they want to say, when voiceover man lets us know that there will be another twist later tonight.
The Most Shocking Necklace Ceremony Ever
Host Amanda welcomes everyone, and informs the girls that one of them will be leaving. And now for The Twist. Amanda reminds them of something she said when they first got there: this place is full of surprises. She says that no one leaves without having had a roommate, so Charla isn’t going anywhere. In fact, she gets to pick any guy she wants and have him all to herself, no one else can pick him. The ladies are sweating. Charla does her silly little walk around and in between the guys before finally stopping at Scott. She looks a Melanie and says it has nothing to do with her. Wow where did that come from?
Toni plays it safe and picks Andon again; Amy picks Zack again for reasons I’ll never understand; Kristen picks Alex; Amanda goes straight for Beau; and last but not least, Melanie picks Beau as well. Beau does not look happy again, as he will have to choose. He sits silently for a few minutes staring at the floor. He shakes his head and says that he loves them both, and can’t give a speech. With that he gets up and puts the necklace around Amanda. Beau and Amanda join the other couples, leaving Melanie to take the walk of shame. Oh sorry, wrong show…but same idea.
Host Amanda is magically back in the studio, and informs everyone that whenever a guest leaves a member of the opposite sex will be added. The remaining hotel guests are there via satellite to question the 2 new hopefuls. They are:
Tom Rodriguez – 23 - Bartender from New Jersey. Major attitude, doesn’t think any of the guys are competition, and he would be able to take any girl he wanted. Oh yeah, he’s a winner. The guys hate him already.
Dave Kerpen – 26 – Marketing Consultant from Boston. Average, freaky looking guy with a big nose and big ears. He says that he lost a lot of weight in the past year. I don’t think he has a chane in hell. The guys love him.
Now, they both be questioned by the remaining guests.
Amanda: She wants Tom to shake his ass for them. He agrees, but only after doing it for the audience.
Alex: Dave, you said you lost a lot of weight, why did you stop at 69lbs.?
Dave: I don’t know, I thought it’d be cool to stop there.
Andon: Tom, you have some pretty feminine looking dogs in your apartment, are you man enough to be here at Paradise Hotel?
Tom: Where I come from, they call me little big man, so yeah I’m ready for you.
Zack: Tom, you definitely are little. You said that you like to get girls drunk and take them home, is that the only way you can get girls?
Tom: I don’t remember saying that, but I do remember seeing you hide in a closet like a little baby.
Scott: Dave, I mean winner, you look great it looks like you lost a lot of weight. Have you had any trouble at all getting dates?
Dave: I’m doing ok, but I’m hoping Paradise will get me a couple more (lying)
Beau: Tom, it’s cool that you’re a bartender, but we’ve got a great bartender here already. Nothing against you but what else are you going to bring to paradise?
Tom: I definitely won’t bring the s-s-stuttering DJ. (ouch)
Dave and Tom are informed that the girls will be picking the winner and they will each have one final chance to convince them with a little speech. Dave goes first, and basically says that he’ll provide a lot of laughs and they’ll have a great time. Tom says that the guys are afraid of a challenge, and that he’ll stir things up. He then gets down on his knees and begs them to pick him.
Amanda has been selected as the spokesperson for the group. She starts her BS speech: it was a tough decision, blah blah, Dave, you have a great personality and we think you’re a sweet guy, blah blah, Tom we like the confidence and your dogs are adorable and those eyes, blah blah. And with that in mind, the girls and I would like to say, Dave…welcome to Paradise. Dave is shocked, Tom is shocked, Host Amanda is shocked, and I think everyone else who saw this was shocked. This has to rank up there with the biggest upsets in the history of the world. I’m not kidding. Tom, take your little big self back to Jersey.
Host Amanda informs the guys that next week one of them will be sent home. In yet another Twist, she tells them that Dave gets to pick any of the girls he wants and have her all for himself. It looks like things are beginning to heat up. I need to go shower now, I feel dirty.
Like a hot potato, I hand this off to the lovely and talented duckgirl for the next show.
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