Outback Jack Finale: You Don’t Know Jack!!!
Hello Outback Jack fans, and welcome to the finale recap. Your faithful recapping duo, Ilikai and LG are at the helm for one last episode, and oh what a doozy it is. So buckle up your seatbelts for your ATV / camel (or donkey) / kayak, yak cart, or whatever form of transport we’re joining Jack and the ladies with in this last leg of the “journey” and grab yourself a vegemite sandwich, as we’re going places and it’s going to be a trip.
Opening shot: A hot air balloon drifting across the Outback, slowly losing height... a roar, and up it goes. Oh, sorry! that was a propane burner. I thought Marissa was talking again. The hot air she spews could have kept the Hindenberg afloat.
Um, Ili, the Hindenberg didn’t sink because it ran out of hot air. It EXPLODED because there was too much hydrogen, oh The Humanity.
Thanks LG, I stand corrected and think that now Marissa should be sporting a warning label for the volume of hot air she is spewing in close proximity to the operating device for the hot air balloon. Somehow they avoid a fiery explosion and make it to their destination.
Lovely Marissa, even in the balloon she affects an air of superiority. If that nose was anymore up in the air, she would drown in a rainstorm. Poor thing, she completely missed out on the scenery, as she couldn’t see the ground with that head position. Anyways, on with the show. The three intrepids drift and drift while we get snippets of the two girls talking about how they are at the end of the journey and one more expulsion to go. We wonder if it will be right over the side of the balloon, perhaps with a parachute given that was the starting point for the girls’ adventure in the Outback. Nope, that is not to be, we need to drag this out for a full hour so we can make sure to air all of the ads for Off and Skintimate, not to mention plugging Sex In The City 52 times each hour. I wonder what is on TBS after this show?
Balloon down, and none too gracefully I might add, and its another hike, the last hike to the last campground. This time we are on the beach, facing the Indian Ocean if you believe Marissa. It is certainly beautiful and if I’ve ever got a free, um, month or so I might make the trip around the world to see Australia. This show has been a very lovely endorsement for Australian travel. LG thinks if all the men look and act like Jack, to heck with waiting for a long vacation, I’m packing my backpack tonight.
Jack is going to wipe the slate clean and try to choose based on this last day or three with the ladies. Time for a evening swim and Marissa manages to cut her foot and has Jack carry her to the shore and bandage her up again. Natalie walks along them rather annoyed because Marissa has once again monopolized Jack’s attention by forcing him to attend to her injuries. Is this the type of life he wants, nursing a klutz? This does not make for a relationship unless she can start paying him for medical treatments. Or maybe Marissa thinks that seeping wounds and itchy rashes are a huge turn on for Jack. Ish.
Morning comes and with it, the wind. For a moment there I thought Marissa was yawning. Batten down the hatches and anchor your butt in a chair!!! Faster than you can say “we’re not in Kansas anymore” our Outback trio are being blown around while Natalie fights to keep dirt out of her contacts and Marissa concentrates all of her energies on watching Jack try to take care of everything once again. I’ve figured out why this show re-named Vadim Jack, as he’s a real Jack of All Trades.
The evil Spawn of women- JD shows up and announces that the ladies get one whole day with Jack each and to make the best of it because boot time comes after this. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Any excuse to see JD’s knobby knees sticking out from a super-long pair of shorts is a bad one.
Marissa is first and they go off in a seaplane. She is snuggling so close to him that it looks like she may want to try for the mile high club. Good thing Jack isn’t flying this plane. Snorkeling is next, then a lunch of shrimp and rabbit food. She plops her butt in his lap and the cuddle. Isn't there a rule against cuddling with a slut right after eating? There should be. Unfortunately we weren’t given a proper advisory from the network and my show time munchies are sitting rather uneasy at this point.
Evening falls and amazingly, she doesn't, as they have a light dinner by campfire and candles on pillows with champagne. They head back to camp where they sit on the bed with Natalie and chatter about nothing.
Natalie's turn next, and we’re drawing near the close of our happy little show. Jack says she had better show him something cause she is on the line. They start off on ATV's, because Jack says that Natalie brings out the little boy in him, and he likes that. I bet his little boy wouldn't mind a spanking by Natalie either. Can Natalie drop her guard enough to show Jack her real feelings even though she knows that Marissa was playing tonsil hockey with him less than 24 hours ago? I suddenly wish that Listerine had been a major sponsor for this show.
They go down the shore, tearing up the sand riding two Four Wheelers, then ride tandem on his ATV with Natalie clinging on for dear life while he spins around in the sand. They hit some tidal pool areas where a picnic is waiting. Wow, the Outback is very convenient about having picnics and wild animal preserves just where you’d want them.
Snuggle time!! Picnic lunch of Oysters and Brie Cheese and relaxing naptime. Natalie loves the Brie, proving once again why she is so loved at the FORT, cheese central. I haven’t seen such a love of cheese since Amy was on Big Brother last summer (or was it two summers ago?). Evening comes and it’s a table for two for dinner, candles again and Champagne by the campfire.
Back later to camp where Marissa is drunk with worry and making a fool out of herself. Too late, we’ve all seen the feet on the table stupidity from 2 weeks ago already. They all head to bed because morning brings the final decision.
Like a persistent rash, JD makes one last appearance... blah, blah, blah. Shot of the girls walking on the beach, giving their final thoughts before the decision and each is stationed at a different spot. For some reason this reminds me of the finale of Bachelorettes in Alaska, where premier reality tv show dowry ‘ho Rebekah was left standing alone on a glacier with no man coming to whisk her away for a life of blubber and lumberjacks. Could this ending be as satisfactory as that priceless ending to ‘Hos in the Snow? Let’s hope.
Jack comes sauntering down and first one he goes to is Marissa. Can it be??? Will it be??? Yes it happens!!! He dumps her! This is better than when the girls kicked her out. She went all the way to the end to end up second best( third in Ilikai's mind, Maria was hotter than her in all his fantasies) and to live with the fact that she didn't close the deal. Why yes, Marissa, Jack was yours to lose, as he did fancy you most initially, but your own lack of depth and crappy personality (and table manners) changed his mind. Ilikai breaks out into a chorus of “Ding, dong, the witch is dead.”
Jack goes around the bend and tells Natalie she is the babe! Thrills and tears as they walk down to the ocean, while Marissa gets to stand there and watch. The happy couple board a catamaran and sail off into the sunset. Good prevails and evil is crushed! Marissa watches from the beach, just like dejected Average Joe Adam Mesh watching Melana Scantlin and Jason the Waiter fly off into the sunset. So, there you have it. By all reports Nat and Jack are now a couple, attempting to live together in LA despite cashflow and Visa problems. Hopefully he’s told her that his name isn’t really Jack. And that a camel isn’t a donkey. Oh, there are so many things that Jack needs to tell Nat, but they’ll have the rest of their lives for that discussion. Or at least until they show up in an “are they through” article in a tabloid, but hopefully they’ll be ok despite their respective nationalities and the fact that Nat is a mere 21 years old.
Thanks for joining us on our “journey” through the Outback, and don’t look a gift camel in the mouth. If you thought Marissa was Jack’s final pick, as the computer trivia game would say, “You don’t know Jack.”