Outback Jack July 27: The Bitch is (Out)Back!
Reunited, and it feels so GOOD. Oh no, we’re not talking about Jack and Marissa (or Peaches and Herb), but instead Ilikai and LG., your recapping duo, back together this week. With Ilikai at the com we’re much more prompt this week, so on with the show.
Opening shot, just about enough to make you throw a boomerang at the tv. Jack and Marissa hugging like two long lost lovers. LG. is glad she doesn’t have a boomerang to fling at her television, as you can accidentally knock a lamp off an end table, then end up spilling your beer all over the couch by tossing those suckers around your living room. Nice soft-tipped plastic darts work better with very little risk of hitting oneself in the process.
What does he see in her? We know what he doesn't see, that she is a manipulative shrew that’s out to get her hooks in him. JD is there to break the bad news. Marissa got back in because the ladies booted her butt, Jack still has to make the permanent boot. Ilikai takes off his hefty boots and offers one to Jack for the task, but alas, he’s in Australia.
Meri-De pegs Marissa's friendly banter as fake in ten seconds flat. Marissa makes herself at home by sitting around the camp table with her back to all the other girls. Her body language is screaming out pompous superiority, but you can hardly hear it over the din of Natalie discovering yet another bug in her tent.
It’s time to go to the next camp, so there is a long hike ahead for the day. On the way, Jack meets another mate of his, John. No! not our John... he may be as tall as all Outback but he is still here in the states, even though he isn't too sure about his state of mind right now. Well at least FORT’s John isn’t standing around a pen of baby crocodiles waiting for a group of whiney women to arrive.
Mr. Convenient-Mate John breeds crocodiles.... why he does this isn't explained since reports say that crocs in the Outback are almost overpopulating the area. Obviously they are breeding just fine without John's help. So after the usual Outback banter, it comes down to the fact that John has to determine the sex of his latest stock and the girls are going to do that for him. Now this doesn't mean they can dance for them like they did with the Aborigine ladies. They have to catch them, and stick their finger up god-knows-where and feel for the "magic wand." All the young male crocs start bragging about how “apparently sexed” they are, for some strange reason.
Meri-De and Maria go first. Meri-De doesn’t want to show fear in the croc pit and grabs one effortlessly. Snatching a croc each, it’s over to the examining table where they both correctly identify the sex of their prisoners. Marissa goes third and has success catching the croc, but her knowledge of sex is badly marred as she states its female and John checks and says it’s male. Maybe she is just a tease after all. This should put major doubts in Jacks' mind about her now!!!
Natalie is last and has to cut her "French post" pinky-nail to do the exam. We hear lots of whining over this, as she still doesn't have a clue that if she hooks with Jack that she will be in the Outback as much as in town. In her mind, it’s a contest, not a lifestyle. We officially have our blond bimbo of the group!!! That is as long as you don’t make being a natural blonde one of the requirements for that title.
John now knows the sex of his young crocs, and just as quickly as they arrived with no explanation, they’re off again for their next typically Australian adventure. They make it to camp and settle in.
At dinner that night Marissa stirs the pot. Thinking it’s a dull group, she tries to start a food fight by throwing a piece of steak at Jack. Maybe that’s actually a turn-on for the Cro-Magnum men that Marissa is used to dating, as they make a game of catching it in their teeth like a dog. This was one of the few times in the Outback that they have had a decent restaurant style meal of steak and all the trimmings. Jack is none too pleased by this and ignores her attempt at levity and asks for a nappy to wipe up. Maria is all too eager to make sure that his pants are all cleaned up of messy foodstuff, even though it actually landed on his shirt.
Marissa then plants her feet on the dinner table, since this is the Outback then the hell with manners. Silence breaks out at the table and the other ladies are irritated at the slovenly manners exhibited by her, ruining a festive mood that was there. And a new sponsor joins the show, Outback Odor Eaters, as everyone immediately loses their appetites once her stinky feet hit the dinner table.
Next morning breaks early as Marissa wakes and finds Jack's hat on a stick with a note stating that he has gone ahead. He’s probably looking for a lady with brains in her head. She alerts the others and this is a good time for JD to pop up like the Specter of Doom. Our host announced: “Good news ladies, you have to pair up in teams and hunt Jack down.” This isn't going to be hard for Marissa, since she has her claws sunk way deep in Jack. The winning team gets to have a super spiffy dinner date with Jack. Maria and Natalie are one team, Marissa and Meri-De are the other team.
And off they go, over the well marked trails with Marissa leading and telling Meri-De to keep up all the time. Maria and Nat go off with Maria in the lead and Nat dragging her dead butt behind. Exertion is not in Nat's vocabulary. Marissa is so determined to be first that she gets the two girls lost and Mer takes over. Maria and Nat are slow but steady and look to take the lead, but M&M make it to the pub where Jack is downing a cold one. A nice cold beer looks pretty good about now. I wonder if it is a Fosters. Isn’t that Australian for “beer”? Nah, I’m pretty sure that “beer” is Australian for “beer” as they do speak English.
The losers get to stay at the pub and mingle with the locals as M&M change clothes and board a helicopter and soar over the beautiful countryside. It’s a nifty flight with Jack wedged between the two ladies with both grabbing one of his legs. It’s a good thing they land before they pull him apart like the wishbone from a Thanksgiving turkey.
Once they arrive at the picnic dinner, Jack has to choose one lady. Like a sunstroke victim (suffering from some delusions), he takes Marissa and sends Meri-De back to the pub. There, the three ladies try to figure out what he sees in Marissa. Natalie also wonders if she can get a pina colada. Natalie, here’s a tip. If the bar doesn’t have a blender, don’t ask for a drink that requires one. Stick with drinks that can be “prepared” with a church key. Nat better see the wizard and get a brain. Back at the hillside diner, Jack and Mari suck face and coo like bird brained idiots. They return to camp that night with Marissa smug and Jack a little off-put. Maria and Natalie wonder if the date didn’t go well, but Meri-De astutely realized that the date was going a little too well when the other ladies showed up hooting and hollering from the bar.
Next morning Jack has to lose another one as they get ready to set off on horseback to a new camp. Please God let him leave behind Natalie, as she won’t know how to ride a horse and thought that the camels were donkeys. After the long drivel spiel that comes at this time, it’s Meri-De who has to go.... Surprise!!!! Has anyone else noticed that the next to last girl is always the one to go? Well, except for the time when he let Mary go, as she was a good sport about the whole thing, but he’s been a little nervous to have the “you’re fired” talk to talk to a lady who already knows she’s on her way out.
Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Green Acres Down Under, when they will borrow a chapter from Meet My Folks and meet Jack’s mother. Just like Meet My Folks, the ladies get treated to secret video secrets, maybe a fax or two, and who knows, maybe that is where Nick the Polygraph Test Administrator disappeared to this season.