Outback Jack July 13: Invasion of the Amazons!
Outback Jack 7/13 show: Invasion of the Amazons!
Welcome back dear readers to the latest installment of Divas in the desert. We find our intrepid out of place girl scout pack riding camels across the Outback with Jack leading on foot. Now we the recappers know they are camels, Jack knows they are camels, most of the population of the civilized world know they are camels, so can someone tell me why Natalie calls it a donkey. I'll take dumb blondes for a thousand, Alex. Actually if there were a whole Jeopardy category with questions about dumb blondes from reality TV shows, I’d finally have a chance to kick Ken Jennings’ butt on a couple of questions. Holly from Big Brother? Paris Hilton? Johnny Fairplay? Now, try to get that floppy mop of hair image out of your brain.
It’s Dromedary, My Dear Watson
Mary claims she is here to win, but after the questions she asked at the dinner the other night, I don't think Jack would want to have her. She may want to win, but you know she doesn't ever want to see the Outback again. To her, the Outback is a chain restaurant where you can get a Bloomin’ Onion.
Not to worry though readers, this contest has a long way to go especially when Mary declares that she has to go potty. Isn't that the way it goes guys! Start on a trip and someone has to go, five minutes on the road! And you can't tell them to wait till you stop for gas either. Apparently Mary’s parents never taught her to take a “precautionary pee” before getting on a camel for a long trip.
Ring, Ring. Jack, It’s TBS. We Need More Bikini Shots
Jack has the bright idea to stop at a swimming hole to give the ladies a break. Of course he gets this bright idea right after the producers tell him to stop so they can set up the next scene. Now Jack says that he is going to get the girls to jump off a 25 foot cliff. If that cliff was more than 15 feet tall, Ilikai will take Marissa as my girl, and that’s a fate worse than death.
So we have the lemmings lined up ready to plunge off the cliff. Courtney goes first, Nat goes second, Adrienne goes...stop, she goes... stop, she goes...stop, she goes.... splash!!! Mary boogies up the edge and goes. Finally Maria goes, and loses her top, but we don't get that shot, damn editors!!!! We do get a shot of her going to the movies though. At least I think she was going there, as she was picking her seat. Oh sorry, she was pulling her suit out of her butt.
The girls swim to shore where a picnic is set up for them to lounge like lizards on the rocks. The girls sun themselves, and try not to turn colors like an iguana standing in a basket of tomatoes, as these girls have learned, sunstroke is bad.
Once More Into The Breach, Dear Friends, Or You Bitches Get The Hell Out Of Our Outback
Speaking of lizards, JD shows up with more good news as evidenced by the dread and scowls on the girls and Jack's face. Pointing to the top of the cliff area, JD announces more contestants are coming. Could it be the Swedish Bikini Team?!?! No, because these girls are wearing one piece spandex. Throwing ropes over the side, they rappel down to the group, much to the disgust of the High Maintenance tribe. It's officially the Invasion of the Amazons from the planet Hottentot! This is not to be confused with the Bob Goldthwait movie, Hot To Trot.
Five more ladies to vie for Jack's affection, and these girls know how to survive out in the hinterland. Athletes all, and not a Gucci helmet among them. JD explains the competition for the next day. There will be a obstacle course run, if the Gucci Girls wins, the Amazons go home. If the Amazons win, Jack has to send one of his High Maintenance Honeys packing her Prada, and one Amazon takes her place. The cat fight is on!!!
There Hasn’t Been This Much Fuss Over A Beetle Since The Ed Sullivan Show
So now there are 10 girls at camp. Jack had faith in his little harem of Divas until they went screaming over a beetle in their tent. Ladies, get a grip, or at least a fly swatter or a magazine or something. The Amazons weren't phased by the critters. Maybe they brought plenty of Off with DEET.
Next morning and the contest is on. Over a hay bale pyramid wall, under a log on the ground, through the bush pole maze, through the cargo net triangle thingy, and cross the balance beam log spanning a water pit. All 5 ladies have to complete each obstacle before they can go on to the next one. And the gun sounds!!! Off they go, hitting the hay bales, its neck and neck! Under the log and the Diva team has a slight lead. Through the bush pole maze and the Amazons catch up, its tied going to the cargo net thingy!! Amazons take a slight lead and they bound over the balance beam pole. This last one is the Divas’ downfall as Adrienne was the only one to make it over the beam without falling at least once.
Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow . . . Oh Look, Matching Pink Purse and Pumps!
So now Jack has to boot one more off. He complains about it getting tough and how he hates to decide. Why oh why don't they think about this stuff when they sign up to do the show? You hear it every show and it’s like one big broken record.
Anyways, he ends up booting Mary after going through them one by one and dragging it out forever and a day. This could have been a two night show if he just made a decision fast and said "you, gone" It's about time that Mary was gone too. Now she can go shopping at the nearest Niemann-Marcus. She did say that she missed her hair dryer and flat iron.
Jack picks Meri-Di from the Amazon group, she is a pro volleyball player. Unfortunatly for Meri-Di, the producers didn’t assign her an “American” name like they did to Vadim, I mean, Jack, so nobody has a clue what her name is. Jack asks Meri-Di for a get-to-know you dinner and the girls are not thrilled cause there just isn’t ever enough Jack to go around. That’s what all the ladies say about Ilikai, too. They just don't want to share Jack and thought it would be better since they got rid of Marissa.
Perth, the Paris of the Outback
JD shows again after dinner, he is not a good after dinner mint, that’s for sure. Altoids are curiously strong mints. Roberto is a curiously foul one, and comes in either Limburger Cheese or Week Old Fish Guts flavors.
He announces that its time that Jack got to know the girls world and so they are headed off to Perth. Finally, the ladies are getting what they expected in the first episode of this series: a four star hotel, limo around town, and shop till you drop!!! Jack is not thrilled at all and says that God made the Outback for guys because they hate shopping. Adrienne can't wait to get Jack in a store and spruce him up some. Doesn’t she know better than to Spruce a Bruce?
Next morning and the group meets JD at the plane, courtesy of teenie-weenie airlines. JD gives Jack more good news: the plane has room for Jack and only 4 girls. One more has to go, and he has to decide now.
Now you may ask, who is out now? Who knows, it’s the end of the hour and we have to wait till next week, I would call this a cliffhanger but for the fact that we already rappelled down the cliff this episode and are currently on the edge of the dirt runway. Who will Jack pick? How will Jack like being dragged through shopping town and not have Carson throw great coutour at him? Stay tuned and find out next week. Same Jack time, Same Jack site.
