Outback Jack: You Can’t Beat The DEET!
Welcome back to Outback Jack, we are your hosts, LG. and Ilikai. Sorry the recap is late, as life has been kicking LG’s ass this week, and not in an “I’m in the Outback and don’t have anywhere to plug in my hairdryer” way. It has also shaken up Ilikai's peacefull island too. July has not been berry berry goot to us! As we join our six remaining ladies they are leaving last week’s two eliminated debutantes in the dust as they tool off in Jeeps. They debate whether or not any of them know how to drive, let alone operate a manual transmission, but I bet they know how to work a stick Shockingly, it doesn’t appear that these Jeeps are equipped with seat belts. That sounds rather ill-advised because unless Jack is this summer’s newest super-hero, I don’t think he can run faster then four Jeeps. He had a hard enough time dealing with capsized canoes.
Jack watches the ladies driving like teenagers with their permits and pulls over when he spots a snake, as that sounds safer than driving with the ladies. The ladies fight for Jack’s attention with not only each other as competition, but the snake too. Mary’s up to the challenge, as she whined: “He’s so enthralled with the snake, I’m going to have to put on my rubber G-string to get his attention.” Well Mary, you said you didn't do Stick so you better think of some way to get his attention. Jack admires the python, but explains that it is dehydrated, has probably been run over a couple of times (most likely by the Jeep driving ladies) and needs to be taken to an animal rescue center. What a coincidence, there is one nearby, and full of people that Jack knows. It’s time for the cute fuzzy animal segment, only with reptiles. The ladies have varying degrees of disgust, as Cortney and Adrienne took a particular interest in a blue tongued lizard that was so excited to be on a reality tv show that it peed all over Adrienne. Jack’s sage advice? Don’t squeeze him so hard.
Like a persistent rash, JD Roberto returns. He shares with the ladies the latest twist. They are to vote on who leaves the group next, and they aren’t supposed to discuss it with Jack. Marissa’s face drops faster than tech stock share prices in 2001.
The girls are dirty and covered in bug spray. Not just any bug spray. Off bug spray, which Natalie uses instead of showering, and I fear she’s been sniffing just a little too much of it. Off is prominently featured on this show, and is also a major sponsor. You just can’t beat the DEET. But if that’s really the case, then why does Natalie have bug bites to complain about? She is coating her mosquito netting in Off at night when she beds down, only to be greeted in the morning but every flying creepy crawly critter on the continent, asking her if she’s ready for breakfast. To be their breakfast, not to eat it with them. Oh poor Nat, or should we call her Gnat. That night around the fire and out of earshot of Jack, the girls try to pow-wow about the twist. Marissa immediately gets defensive, thus proving to the others that she knows she is out of there faster than Ted Kennedy swimming from a sinking car. If he drove a Volkswagon, he would be President.... but I digress..
Jack is finally repulsed enough by the ladies’ appearance that he takes them to the springs to clean up. No trip to the springs is complete with tons of Skintastic shaving cream and razors. They are sneaky about their product placements, as LG had just the same day bought Skintastic shaving cream and had no idea why until she saw this week’s episode. I blame Michael J. Fox’s sitting in front of the Raisins sign in Back To the Future and ET’s Reese’s Pieces placements for my current inability to watch a program without developing an unnatural affinity for the show’s sponsors.
In the springs Mary does not have a rubber G-string, but she is very proudly wearing a United States flag design bikini. Ilikai is very proud to be an American at this point. God bless the U.S.A. She relishes the limelight and then the ladies all share some private time with Jack. He has nice things to say to all of them, and Cortney may have shot herself in the foot by turning her cheek when he kissed her. Maria more than makes up for it by proving that Marissa isn't the only girl out there that can give a tonsilectomy with her tongue. Marissa is her typical slut self.
Mark Burnett must be visiting the Outback to pick out a new stupid hat to wear in all of his Survivor-related interviews, because now we are treated to snake and reptile imagery suitable for the evil producer himself. Oh yes, the ladies are going to duke it out like snakes and flying monkeys or something marsupial at the impending vote-off.
Back to TBS, the “fun network” reality style editing, as we’re treated to an exchange of Mary and Natalie asking if they knew anyone who had ever painted their own fingernails. OMG, you mean like not at a salon? No way! WAY! Shut Up!
Marissa whines about her special connection with Jack, and how pissed he’ll be if the other chicks vote her off. Oh yeah, my boyfriend’s back and you’re gonna be in trouble.
Now we’re going to meet some Aborigines who are “special friends” of Jack’s. I wonder if in his special friendship with them if they call him Jack or Vadim, and if Jack is the name he uses with all of the people that he knows only from this tv show. Natalie remarks that she’s only seen them in National Geographic, and we’re treated to female breasts concealed only with body paint. Nope, not Mary’s. But she can “relate” to the Aborigines because she’s a singer. Marissa can’t contain her laughter as the girls all have a “blessing ceremony” because apparently she’s not a singer and can’t relate. Natalie thought it was strange, but then again she says that going from Louisville, Kentucky to Aboriginal Austrailia was a 360... does she understand at all that she just said that Louisville and the Outback are one and the same??? Now thats strange, and I think a bit of an insult to one of the places, you readers can decide that one, we aren't getting involved there!!
After the blessing ceremony, JD lets the ladies know that the Aboriginal elders will be selecting one woman as the best match for Jack who will win a private date with Jack. The matched ladies will also be exempt from the vote. And how will the elders select the best match for Jack? Why a dance contest, of course. They hand out poles and Mary takes to it like an old pro. In fact, the only pole work that tops that is Amber down at the Cheetah's in Atlanta. The elders can sense her kindred with them and pick Mary as the match for Jack.
On her private date with Jack, Mary wants to really get to know Jack, so she asks him if there are any good Italian restaurants nearby, and what he likes to do besides kill animals with his big knife. Yeah Mary, you’re right up his alley. It is 300 miles to the nearest Olive Garden, and Jack carries the knife for protection, as he is really an animal lover but some of them are dangerous. Crikey, has this Sheila learned nothing so far? She hasn't learned that its not just a one-shot deal and his babe will be expected to do "field trips" on a regular basis.
Jack finds out that the ladies need to vote off one of their own and heads off to give them some privacy. Maria takes that as her sign to run to Jack’s tent, causing the rest of the ladies to briefly consider voting off Maria instead of Marissa. Yeah, right.
Time for the vote-off: There are 5 camels and 6 ladies. Good thing it wasn't donkeys, it might have ended up being one Ass riding another. Mary is annoyed that she doesn’t get to vote, and thinks perhaps her superior pole dancing should have earned her two votes. Everyone else votes off Marissa. Marissa shoots parting darts at Adrienne. JD shows up to announce that this must be tough because they are “like a family.” Sure JD, this family put the “fun” in disFUNctional. Jack concedes that the remaining five ladies may have seen something in Marissa that he had not, and respects their decision. Hmmmm, couldn't have been the fact she was standoffish to the others from the get-go, that she bruised everyone in the fishing challenge, and I bet some of them know about her late night excurssion with Jack the second night.
Natalie informs us that the camels smell like the state fair. Jack and the rest of the ladies ride off on camels, singing “hey, hey, goodbye, you fish-stealing, self-dehydrating ‘ho.” Just then, JD informs Marissa that there is a new twist, and that even though she was voted to leave the group, she is not going home. Marissa waves to the group as they ride away, knowing that she’ll be back with Jack soon enough. This just proves that you can keep a good woman down, but a bitch will haunt you forever!!!!