+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12

Thread: Outback Jack Episode 2: The Outback Strikes Back

  1. #1
    LG.
    LG. is offline
    FORT Writer LG.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    frozen tundra
    Posts
    14,060

    Outback Jack Episode 2: The Outback Strikes Back

    Outback Jack Episode 2: The Outback Strikes Back

    G-Day Mates, and welcome back to the Outback Jack recaps. Here at the FORT, reality tv acronyms like FLOM, TAR and ANTM are the norm, but Ilikai and I refuse to refer to this show as “OJ” because that Simpson jerk has strummed up enough publicity for himself recently without our aid. That, and Ilikai is Vitamin C-intolerant. Ok, I made that last bit up myself. We had some questions last week about who is writing which lines of the recap. The short answer is that we’re collaborating. When LG. writes the first draft, Ilikai edits in his thoughts and posts. When Ilikai does the heavy lifting (like this week), LG. edits and posts. If inquiring minds just need to know who wrote what, well, tough rocks, this show is not worth the effort to attribute every single sentence. We’re like the Fates, working with one brain instead of one eye. Or like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lashay, only working with a brain instead of none.

    White Water Rafting in a Dried up Riverbed

    Opening shot: 8 city girls canoeing down a creek, thinking its a class 5 rapids. They must be practicing to film a Mountain Dew ad with all the hype and protective padding needed for this X-Treme Stunt. Call in Dan Cortese to host it. No, don’t. They’re just paddling canoes, for crying out loud. Apparently these ladies never went to girl scout camp. You can speculate on your own how many of them went to band camp. LG. went to band camp. Make of that what you want.

    The ladies are up a creek and don’t know how to use their paddles, so Jack is going to have his hands full. The girls are paddling into each other, rocks, trees, anything within 3 miles of the water got hit by them. All sorts of wallabies and koala bears head for the high ground for safety. I bet some poor fish just swimming along minding his own business got knocked silly when some spoiled city woman’s butt came crashing down on it. Cortney and Mary showed how to roll a canoe in one easy lesson. It isn’t as complicated as rolling your own cigarettes or eggrolls, as I doubt these two would master that so easily.
    Natalie whines.

    At Least That Miss Muffett Chick Got Curds And Whey

    The next horror.... Spider Webs... Huge bloodsucking, great leaping spiders building webs to lunch on unsuspecting rowers. The girls are doing canoe limbo, ducking under the webs so that they don't get them in their faces and have to claw and rub and swat and rub them off the rest of the day. Nobody bothers to think about using one of the paddles from the canoe to brush the cobwebs out of their faces. LG. went to girl scout camp too, and never got this bent about a little spider. If I’d still been a girl scout when I was an exchange student in Mexico, I would have earned a merit badge in killing cockroaches, the huge flying variety.
    LG. digresses.
    Natalie whines.

    A small drop of 3 feet proves the finishing touch to the coordination of our intrepid water bugs. Dumping canoes left and right, canoes, oars, luggage, and girls go floating off to the sea. Jack needed a motor strapped to his back to keep up with the rescue of the girls. Jack transforms into Aquaman, sans the nasty spandex webbed feet. He is very heroic as nearly lifeless girls cling to his back to get dragged out of water almost 3 feet deep.
    Natalie whines.


    Reaching the next camp at night, they form a daisy chain to make it across the last little bit of water. From the way the girls acted today, their brains weren't big enough to fertilize daisies. They are very scared that a croc will want to eat them, and shriek when they feel seaweed on their legs. Too bad that J. D. Roberto wasn’t there with scuba gear and a fake croc head to really give these girls something to worry about.
    Natalie whines.

    We Find Out Why Jack Is So Polite To These Ladies

    In the morning Jack takes them to a mates farm where they meet Sharon, a true Outback Lady. You can tell that there aren’t a plethora of Outback Dentists serving the needs of true Outback Ladies. Sharon lets them know that guys greatly outnumber gals in the Outback, but much like the singles scene in Alaska, the Odds are Good, but the Goods are Odd. Giving them time alone, they do the usual girl talk about Jack, Aussie guys attitudes, and stuff in general. Jack comes back and Maria jumps up and serves him breakfast, this is not missed by the other girls. Marissa in particular is already sharpening her claws and staking out Jack for herself. J.D. Roberto shows, dampening the girls spirits, they compare him to the prophet of Doom, when he shows, their life is over. It’s a death knell just like the FORT’s Bill agreeing to recap a reality tv show.
    Natalie whines.

    Time to Fish or Cut Bait

    Today's challenge is to go fishing. The lady that catches the most fish, gets a one on one date with Jack that night, and gets to choose three others for dinner with Jack. The other four left get to gut and clean and serve the fish for dinner to the girls and Jack.
    Natalie whines.

    Now the catch to this competition is that they have to do it with just their hands, no pole and hook. It's an ugly sight (not to be confused with an ugly site, like say, this one: http://www.claytonaiken.com/home.asp which you may visit at your own risk only). Marissa is really fishing to win, throwing elbows, pushing, shoving, and making lots of enemies trying to be the Babe Winkleman of the Outback. All of Marissa’s fishy conduct is to no avail as Adrienne is the winner with three fish. She chooses Cortney, Natalie, and Shannon to have dinner.
    Natalie whines, joined by Marissa, who is whining that by coming in second, she should have gotten a prize. Horseshoes. Hand-grenade. Fishing. Nope, I don’t think “close” really counts here, Marissa.

    Bring on the Bass-o-matic

    The others gather to clean fish, Mary comes decked out in some cheesy outfit with a skirt and purse that she borrowed from Paris in the Simple Life like she intends to shop for fish on Fifth Avenue. Jack shows them how to gut and fillet and they are on their own. Maria gallantly tries her hand at it and Marissa tells her how to do the fish, not making friends again.
    Natalie whines.

    Jack and the Girls Sitting In a Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

    They glare daggers at the winners as Jack rows them down the creek to a treehouse hideaway. There is lots of getting to know you banter from the girls to Jack as they clue him into what Sharon said about Aussie men and how he is different from the stereotypical guy. He likes to spoil a lady if they are willing to spoil back. Sounds like he wants a 50-50 relationship, can the girls do that? Do trophy wives know how to care about someone else? After dinner is served by the wenches, Jack kicks out the other three and settles down with Adrienne for a little get to know ya time. Adrienne and Jack have a pleasant conversation, followed by a sweet little kiss.

    They go back to the others, who don't like these two holding hands at all. The underlying storm that is building is going to blow up into the best catfight ever. This causes Ilikai to start drooling in anticipation. Can I hand you a tissue, Ili, or perhaps a bib?

    Trash Talk of the Unwashed Divas

    Marissa says that Adrienne is no competition for her since Jack and her made a connection the first day and she doesn't see a connection between Jack and Adrienne, even though Jack says there is one. What the heck would Jack know about his feelings. He apparently doesn’t even recognize his own name anymore. That is so odd, to think that his friend Sharon was calling him “Jack”. It would be like people in real life calling us LG. and Ilikai, which is exactly what will happen when we all meet up at FORTcon in Chicago this October. Surreal.

    JD shows again and says that in the morning, 2 more go away so its time for more one-on-one with Jack to convince him to keep the girls. Most of them say the same thing, but Mary wants to know what his sign is, its Neon!! What a turn-on. What the hell kind of crap is that to ask!? Marissa has her own agenda and later invites Jack into the bushes for some in-depth get to know ya touchy-feely let me clean your tonsils with my tongue time. Morning comes, and JD meets them by the creek, with some 4x4’s waiting for the lucky six. After stumbling through his choices, Harmonie and Shannon are the unlucky ones that get to leave with the grim reaper, J.D.
    Natalie didn't whine!!!!

    I wonder how long he has been in the Outback (and how much of Jack’s decisions are his own), since he kept Natalie and Mary, two of the biggest PIMA's to come along for a ride. Next week, we’ll find out if the girls really know how to drive a manual transmission, and if not, how many of them Jack can strap on his back and haul to their next camp. It should be a bumpy ride.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

  2. #2
    What I Do Best Watches2MuchTV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    In front of my TV
    Posts
    325
    Quote Originally Posted by LG.
    Or like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lashay, only working with a brain instead of none.

    LG. went to band camp. Make of that what you want.

    I bet some poor fish just swimming along minding his own business got knocked silly when some spoiled city woman’s butt came crashing down on it.


    You can tell that there aren’t a plethora of Outback Dentists serving the needs of true Outback Ladies.

    It’s a death knell just like the FORT’s Bill agreeing to recap a reality tv show.


    Horseshoes. Hand-grenade. Fishing. Nope, I don’t think “close” really counts here, Marissa.

    Mary comes decked out in some cheesy outfit with a skirt and purse that she borrowed from Paris in the Simple Life like she intends to shop for fish on Fifth Avenue.


    Mary wants to know what his sign is, its Neon!! What a turn-on. What the hell kind of crap is that to ask!?

    Next week, we’ll find out if the girls really know how to drive a manual transmission, and if not, how many of them Jack can strap on his back and haul to their next camp. It should be a bumpy ride.



    Funny Funny LG, the show is *almost* as entertaining as your recaps!


  3. #3
    FORT Fan Livvy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Florida!
    Posts
    222
    Great recap LJ! It was as if I was rewatching the show!
    My thoughts on this show was that it was very entertaining and that's how I like my tv. Some of these girls facial expressions are hilarious and the best parts of the show. I think Jack likes the attention he getting and likes being the hero but I don't feel as if his heart is really into finding love. JMO ! Does he not see some of them (Mary and Natalie) as too prissy for him? And what's with the desperation of Marissa so early on? Anyway, if the objective is to entertain and not for Jack to find true love - BRAVO TBS ! I'm liking this show!

  4. #4
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    salt lake city ut
    Age
    43
    Posts
    19,161
    Quote Originally Posted by LG.
    Natalie whines.

    Natalie whines.

    Natalie whines.

    Natalie whines.

    Natalie whines.

    Natalie whines.

    Natalie whines, joined by Marissa,

    Natalie whines.
    I sense a pattern here.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    #oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16

  5. #5
    Starbucks is your friend Bill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Orygun
    Posts
    12,166
    they compare him to the prophet of Doom, when he shows, their life is over. It’s a death knell just like the FORT’s Bill agreeing to recap a reality tv show.


    What's even funnier is how true that line is!

    Great recap!
    "George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
    -- Arrested Development, Season III

  6. #6
    Blue Mooooooooon Blue Meanie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Between neutrons
    Posts
    596
    Apparently these ladies never went to girl scout camp. You can speculate on your own how many of them went to band camp.

    The girls are doing canoe limbo, ducking under the webs so that they don't get them in their faces and have to claw and rub and swat and rub them off the rest of the day.

    A small drop of 3 feet proves the finishing touch to the coordination of our intrepid water bugs. Dumping canoes left and right, canoes, oars, luggage, and girls go floating off to the sea. Jack needed a motor strapped to his back to keep up with the rescue of the girls. Jack transforms into Aquaman, sans the nasty spandex webbed feet. He is very heroic as nearly lifeless girls cling to his back to get dragged out of water almost 3 feet deep.

    You can tell that there aren’t a plethora of Outback Dentists serving the needs of true Outback Ladies.

    After dinner is served by the wenches
    Some of my favorites. The whole recap had me rolling (on the floor with laughter, that is). Great recap for a very amusing show. I get some of the biggest laughs from the girls expressions and reactions. I don't care about the "love" part of it.
    Paintin' the Town Blue!

  7. #7
    Bachelor Addict berries's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    1,459
    Did anyone notice that Natalie whines a lot?!?

  8. #8
    FORT Newbie Pä¢i£i©i§länd€®'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Posts
    11
    Most of them do whine a lil too much.

  9. #9
    Courtesy and Goodwill Mantenna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Age
    28
    Posts
    8,504
    MOG!!! How did I miss this masterwork of recap *gold*!? Wonderful, brilliant work, you two! I seriously laughed out loud at least once per paragraph, and the whole bloody thing was quote-worthy!

    In the morning Jack takes them to a mates farm where they meet Sharon, a true Outback Lady. You can tell that there aren’t a plethora of Outback Dentists serving the needs of true Outback Ladies. Sharon lets them know that guys greatly outnumber gals in the Outback, but much like the singles scene in Alaska, the Odds are Good, but the Goods are Odd.

  10. #10
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    On a Rocky Mountain High
    Age
    39
    Posts
    11,928
    Great job, you two! I caught part of this episode the other night and had to see what else happened. The canoe trip sounds hysterical. And Natalie seemed like a barrel of laughs.

    One of my favorite parts:

    Quote Originally Posted by the dynamic duo
    You can tell that there aren’t a plethora of Outback Dentists serving the needs of true Outback Ladies.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.