Outback Jack Episode 2: The Outback Strikes Back
G-Day Mates, and welcome back to the Outback Jack recaps. Here at the FORT, reality tv acronyms like FLOM, TAR and ANTM are the norm, but Ilikai and I refuse to refer to this show as “OJ” because that Simpson jerk has strummed up enough publicity for himself recently without our aid. That, and Ilikai is Vitamin C-intolerant. Ok, I made that last bit up myself. We had some questions last week about who is writing which lines of the recap. The short answer is that we’re collaborating. When LG. writes the first draft, Ilikai edits in his thoughts and posts. When Ilikai does the heavy lifting (like this week), LG. edits and posts. If inquiring minds just need to know who wrote what, well, tough rocks, this show is not worth the effort to attribute every single sentence. We’re like the Fates, working with one brain instead of one eye. Or like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lashay, only working with a brain instead of none.
White Water Rafting in a Dried up Riverbed
Opening shot: 8 city girls canoeing down a creek, thinking its a class 5 rapids. They must be practicing to film a Mountain Dew ad with all the hype and protective padding needed for this X-Treme Stunt. Call in Dan Cortese to host it. No, don’t. They’re just paddling canoes, for crying out loud. Apparently these ladies never went to girl scout camp. You can speculate on your own how many of them went to band camp. LG. went to band camp. Make of that what you want.
The ladies are up a creek and don’t know how to use their paddles, so Jack is going to have his hands full. The girls are paddling into each other, rocks, trees, anything within 3 miles of the water got hit by them. All sorts of wallabies and koala bears head for the high ground for safety. I bet some poor fish just swimming along minding his own business got knocked silly when some spoiled city woman’s butt came crashing down on it. Cortney and Mary showed how to roll a canoe in one easy lesson. It isn’t as complicated as rolling your own cigarettes or eggrolls, as I doubt these two would master that so easily.
At Least That Miss Muffett Chick Got Curds And Whey
The next horror.... Spider Webs... Huge bloodsucking, great leaping spiders building webs to lunch on unsuspecting rowers. The girls are doing canoe limbo, ducking under the webs so that they don't get them in their faces and have to claw and rub and swat and rub them off the rest of the day. Nobody bothers to think about using one of the paddles from the canoe to brush the cobwebs out of their faces. LG. went to girl scout camp too, and never got this bent about a little spider. If I’d still been a girl scout when I was an exchange student in Mexico, I would have earned a merit badge in killing cockroaches, the huge flying variety.
A small drop of 3 feet proves the finishing touch to the coordination of our intrepid water bugs. Dumping canoes left and right, canoes, oars, luggage, and girls go floating off to the sea. Jack needed a motor strapped to his back to keep up with the rescue of the girls. Jack transforms into Aquaman, sans the nasty spandex webbed feet. He is very heroic as nearly lifeless girls cling to his back to get dragged out of water almost 3 feet deep.
Reaching the next camp at night, they form a daisy chain to make it across the last little bit of water. From the way the girls acted today, their brains weren't big enough to fertilize daisies. They are very scared that a croc will want to eat them, and shriek when they feel seaweed on their legs. Too bad that J. D. Roberto wasn’t there with scuba gear and a fake croc head to really give these girls something to worry about.
We Find Out Why Jack Is So Polite To These Ladies
In the morning Jack takes them to a mates farm where they meet Sharon, a true Outback Lady. You can tell that there aren’t a plethora of Outback Dentists serving the needs of true Outback Ladies. Sharon lets them know that guys greatly outnumber gals in the Outback, but much like the singles scene in Alaska, the Odds are Good, but the Goods are Odd. Giving them time alone, they do the usual girl talk about Jack, Aussie guys attitudes, and stuff in general. Jack comes back and Maria jumps up and serves him breakfast, this is not missed by the other girls. Marissa in particular is already sharpening her claws and staking out Jack for herself. J.D. Roberto shows, dampening the girls spirits, they compare him to the prophet of Doom, when he shows, their life is over. It’s a death knell just like the FORT’s Bill agreeing to recap a reality tv show.
Time to Fish or Cut Bait
Today's challenge is to go fishing. The lady that catches the most fish, gets a one on one date with Jack that night, and gets to choose three others for dinner with Jack. The other four left get to gut and clean and serve the fish for dinner to the girls and Jack.
Now the catch to this competition is that they have to do it with just their hands, no pole and hook. It's an ugly sight (not to be confused with an ugly site, like say, this one: http://www.claytonaiken.com/home.asp which you may visit at your own risk only). Marissa is really fishing to win, throwing elbows, pushing, shoving, and making lots of enemies trying to be the Babe Winkleman of the Outback. All of Marissa’s fishy conduct is to no avail as Adrienne is the winner with three fish. She chooses Cortney, Natalie, and Shannon to have dinner.
Natalie whines, joined by Marissa, who is whining that by coming in second, she should have gotten a prize. Horseshoes. Hand-grenade. Fishing. Nope, I don’t think “close” really counts here, Marissa.
Bring on the Bass-o-matic
The others gather to clean fish, Mary comes decked out in some cheesy outfit with a skirt and purse that she borrowed from Paris in the Simple Life like she intends to shop for fish on Fifth Avenue. Jack shows them how to gut and fillet and they are on their own. Maria gallantly tries her hand at it and Marissa tells her how to do the fish, not making friends again.
Jack and the Girls Sitting In a Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
They glare daggers at the winners as Jack rows them down the creek to a treehouse hideaway. There is lots of getting to know you banter from the girls to Jack as they clue him into what Sharon said about Aussie men and how he is different from the stereotypical guy. He likes to spoil a lady if they are willing to spoil back. Sounds like he wants a 50-50 relationship, can the girls do that? Do trophy wives know how to care about someone else? After dinner is served by the wenches, Jack kicks out the other three and settles down with Adrienne for a little get to know ya time. Adrienne and Jack have a pleasant conversation, followed by a sweet little kiss.
They go back to the others, who don't like these two holding hands at all. The underlying storm that is building is going to blow up into the best catfight ever. This causes Ilikai to start drooling in anticipation. Can I hand you a tissue, Ili, or perhaps a bib?
Trash Talk of the Unwashed Divas
Marissa says that Adrienne is no competition for her since Jack and her made a connection the first day and she doesn't see a connection between Jack and Adrienne, even though Jack says there is one. What the heck would Jack know about his feelings. He apparently doesn’t even recognize his own name anymore. That is so odd, to think that his friend Sharon was calling him “Jack”. It would be like people in real life calling us LG. and Ilikai, which is exactly what will happen when we all meet up at FORTcon in Chicago this October. Surreal.
JD shows again and says that in the morning, 2 more go away so its time for more one-on-one with Jack to convince him to keep the girls. Most of them say the same thing, but Mary wants to know what his sign is, its Neon!! What a turn-on. What the hell kind of crap is that to ask!? Marissa has her own agenda and later invites Jack into the bushes for some in-depth get to know ya touchy-feely let me clean your tonsils with my tongue time. Morning comes, and JD meets them by the creek, with some 4x4’s waiting for the lucky six. After stumbling through his choices, Harmonie and Shannon are the unlucky ones that get to leave with the grim reaper, J.D.
Natalie didn't whine!!!!
I wonder how long he has been in the Outback (and how much of Jack’s decisions are his own), since he kept Natalie and Mary, two of the biggest PIMA's to come along for a ride. Next week, we’ll find out if the girls really know how to drive a manual transmission, and if not, how many of them Jack can strap on his back and haul to their next camp. It should be a bumpy ride.