Welcome back to the Top Ten list. I certainly hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy compiling them, the writers have picked some fine moments, so take a minute out of your day and enjoy.
10. I’m Mary Jane, and I’ve come to Work
I’m not one to spread rumors. Really I’m not. That’s the Job of great publications like The Globe, The National Enquirer and The Star. Which explains why I was so surprised not to see Debbie Allen’s photo staring at me in the Check Out line at Food Lion.
Was it just me, or did she look stoned out of her gourd on Wednesday’s edition of FAME? Her eyes were barely visible under her drooped lids, and her reaction time was delayed like Johnny Fever before he begins drinking.
I hope she pulls herself together for next week, as I love Debbie, and I’d hate to find out she’s sharing a room with Robert Downey Jr. anytime soon.
9. "The seeming truth which cunning times put on" (Merchant of Venice)
This week the team of Chris and Amanda seemed to be in fine spirits. Amanda had curbed her pottymouth and things looked great as they headed for Venice.
We see Amanda in a state of bliss in the gondola that transports them to the Masked Ball and even though Chris seems worried, she tells him that it doesn't matter if they're lagging behind because "this is beautiful" referring to the Venetian sights. I'm with her, I would have enjoyed the moment too.
However, when it came time to "Match the Masks," it was decided that the already agitated Chris would be the one to identify the person that matched the mask photo in order to receive the next clue. This was a bad decision. We had already seen Chris squinting as he leaned close to the map earlier in order to read it. Now he had to go into a darkened room and find the person with the mask that matched his photo among the many revelers that were milling around. Other team members came and went, but poor Chris was having a terrible time and did not succeed until the bitter end.
This was the decision that caused Chris and Amanda to be philiminated.
8. "I didn't come 3,000 miles for sex" – Russell
When Russell and Cindy teamed up for TAR their expectations were different. He openly stated that he was not looking for a relationship while she said that she was in love with him.
Perhaps their adventure would bring them closer as they had to go from Cortina to Venice by snowraft, taxi, train and a gondola.
Russell's body language was not good and the verbal abuse was even worse. He called her a "dumb ass" and she responded with "that's not my name." It became painfully apparent that this was a match made in hell.
Even though they ended up in 7th place, Cindy started to come to the realization that maybe Russell is not the partner for her and he's "talking down to the wrong person." It's high time that this former supermodel turned inventor should figure out that when he didn't even "high five" her at the pit stop she'd better invent a new ending for her story.
7. So What If It Wasn’t A Michelangelo…
That’s really not the point is it? On this weeks installment of For Love Or Money, Cristy “C I’m so lady like” and Kelly “I can spend a million in a single shopping spree”, went on a drinking binge. They thought it would be fun to stay up, drinking, yelling, jumping on sleeping beauties, and generally rabble rousing until the wee hours of the morning.
That in and of itself would have been enough to tick off many of the houseguests, but Cristy decided to take it a step further and draw on one of the paintings brought into the mansion by Paige “I already have my own website, stop by and buy a thong”. The art work in question was not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, although I’m sure Paige’s mom would have hung it on the refrigerator had she brought it home in 3rd grade, but Cristy had no right to draw on it.
Even worse was the fact that she refused to acknowledge that she had done anything wrong.
Sad, sad beginning to your television “career” there hon.
6. Money to Burn
Perhaps the most exciting moment of the show thus far was when each contestant was handed a check for a cool million dollars. The women oohd and aahd and gazed adoringly at the many zeros as they made shopping lists up in their heads. Then just as quickly as they had received them, Host Jordan Murphy snatched the checks back for safekeeping in a fancy gold lined case.
When Catherine, Kirsten, Cristy C., Tracey and Cristy H. got dumped after Rob told them that things "were not going to work out," they had to pack immediately and depart but not before they were led to the "room they never hoped to see."
Once there, they were each handed the million dollar check one more time and had to toss it into the fireplace where the flames quickly made it disappear. One by one the ladies got to be humiliated in this way and then they were taken away in Yellow Cabs without benefit of exit interviews which we so learned to cherish on "The Bachelor."
Easy come, easy go.
5. Get On The Bus, Jerry; It's Time To Go Home
The World Poker Tour decided not to tour anywhere this week, choosing instead to utilize the now-familiar Commerce Casino in Los Angeles as the site of the WPT Invitational. As the name of the event suggests, nobody had to pay a dime to get in, but you did need an invite from the WPT folks. Along with many familiar poker pro faces, there were several celebrities in the field: Norm MacDonald (who responded to host Shana Hiatt's question about how he felt after being eliminated, "I feel great!"), Dick Van Patten, Gabe Kaplan (hey, man, welcome back!), Mickey Rooney (who finished seventh, just missing a seat at the final table), Meat Loaf, and Kato Kaelin (who apparently still barely qualifies as a "celebrity"), just to name a few.
The only celebrity at the final table, however, was Jerry Buss, owner of the Los Angeles Lakers. He started the final round with the short stack of chips, but that was kind of irrelevant. You see, professional player Layne Flack was dominating everyone. With nearly $700,000 in chips more than anyone else at the table, it seemed a foregone conclusion that Flack would win the tournament. The only interesting question would be who came in second. One by one, all the pros at the table fell, including top nickname-holder Men "The Master" Nguyen, who looked anything but masterful after going all in with a pair of 5's and getting booted to the curb in fourth place.
In the end, Buss wound up squaring off with Flack for the title as every other contender fell by the wayside. What followed was the poker equivalent of a cat batting a mouse around before eating it. Buss played meekly, folding huge hands while Flack bet flamboyantly with absolutely nothing in his hand. Inevitably, Flack was the winner, and Jerry Buss, like his Lakers, will need to wait for next year to win the title. Shyeah. That'll happen.
4. All Beauty, No Brains
Supermodel Wannabe, Nicole, from America’s Next Top Model, threw away any chance of achieving her dreams of posing for Elle or strutting down the runway when she decided that codependent-psycho-girlfriend-of-an-absent-and-jealous-boyfriend was her preferred life’s ambition. For the better part of a week, Nicole sat at the phone leaving messages for her “baby,” “pumpkin” and “sweetie.” Upon finally reaching him, Loserboyfriend told her that he hadn’t called her at all and obviously he wasn’t lost without her. Instead of hanging up the phone and realizing that he couldn’t care less about her, Nicole decided that she no longer wanted supermodel status, but rather to go home, get married and have babies. What she doesn’t understand is that in order to get married, first you need a boyfriend, which she clearly doesn’t have. At least Nicole got part of her wish. Instead of continuing in the top model competition, she now is sitting at home. Most likely alone.
3. Carnie-ac Arrest.
Michelle Livigne slinked her way up to the mic to sing her solo number on Fame this week.
She chose "Black Velvet", an ill-fitting top and a very short skirt.
Clutching her chest, Carnie Wilson asked "does anyone else feel horny after that?".
In response to that, we cut to Michelle's mother, who instead of having her own mini-heart failure at the site of her young daughter cavorting, is clapping with wild enthusiasm.
When your girations prove too "hot" for slathering wreck judge JoJo, that's a pretty good sign you might need to ease up on the sex factor.
2. Someday You’ll Sit on a Couch and Talk About This
If the philosopher Whitney Houston is right, and children really are indeed our future, then American Juniors foretells a sad future indeed. During the Pasadena auditions, one SUV driving soccer mom showed up to late to the party with her young prodigy in the back seat. When turned away by the parking attendant on camera, mom was desperate. She turned to her child and tried to convince him to sing for the attendant.
Mom screams, “Hurry! Hurry! This is your chance!”. Junior is terrified. He didn’t count on things working this way, and he remained frozen in silence no matter how coercive Mom became. Finally, she gives up. Is Mom mad at herself for being late? No. Does she perhaps acknowledge that singing impromptu with a parent screaming in your face might be a little unreasonable? No. She is angry with her son. “You lost your chance!” she says disgustedly as they drive away. The fact that poor kid had to endure that moment is enough to earn him mention in this week’s top ten.
1. The Olson Sins.
The parents of the American Juniors showed every possible emotion this week. They laughed, they cried, they beamed with pride. One even let her 8 year old daughter, Ciara Farrow, dress like a mini Vegas showgirl in belly top, hipsters and a sleeveless crushed velvet top with ostrich feather trim round the neck.
That might have been the peak parental performance, had it not been for Ashley Olson, number 411.
Assuring us that she "is not a stage parent", but that she was "blown away" that they didn't choose her daughter Rylee, she went on to explain how they instead chose someone who went "uurrggghhh, uuurrrggghhhh", during their audition.
She forced young Rylee to sing her song again, despite telling us she was very tired from having had to wait hours to perform and being "treated like *$@#&*% cattle".
Here is the 411 Ashley, you look an awful lot like a stage mom to the viewers and your daughter doesn't look like she's having a whole lot of fun.
Let's just hope there isn't a "Mary Kate" to go with this Ashley..
Thanks so much to this weeks contributors. In alphabetical order, they include: Bill_in_PDX, cali, CaliGirl, Fluff, Paulie, shersidhe