Here we go again, it’s time for the Top Ten. Sit back and enjoy the list as we make our way to the number one moment of the week.
10) He's Got Legs, He Knows How To Use Them
When Right Said Fred sang I'm Too Sexy, they could have well been talking about J. Alexander.
J. is the runway trainer in the modeling industry and when he puts on a pair of high heels, all eyes are on him.
On this week's America's Next Top Models, J. tells the newbies he's going to show them how to walk in a tight skirt. Seconds later, we see him clad in a tank top, pumps and little else.
His motto: "Walk like it's for sale and the rent is due tonight."
9) Debbie passes the audition
The auditions began at 8 AM in major cities like NY, Miami, Chicago and LA.
There were hundreds of contestants vying for "Fame" and they all claimed to be Triple Threats. They had to sing, dance and have a major personality.
As always there were delusional people who either wanted to grab attention or were ready to totally humiliate themselves by singing (screaming, in some instances) offkey and dancing like they had two clubfeet.
The one who stood out among the crowd was Debbie Allen. She was up from dawn till dusk, selecting, dismissing and just trying to hold on to her sanity.
She nicely thanked those that she had to let go, but was looking for only those that "command and demand your attention."
She never lost her temper. She got a great laugh out of the particularly bad auditions, but I never felt that she was laughing at them. Her amusement was genuine and her energy boundless.
8) ”I can honestly say…
….I’ve never read a book”. Well, after that confession, we knew Paul Vinson from Dog Eat Dog was in trouble. He needed to answer trivia questions while holding himself in a coffin looking, Plexiglas box that was ever tilting, threatening to dump him into the pool below. Why a pool you ask? Well, keep reading the Top Ten, it’s explained later.
Paul, with all his muscles bulging wasted too much of his strength trying to keep himself in the box before it even started tilting. He proved that he’s no liar when he was unable to answer the needed questions and took a dive into the pool.
Poor guy, at least he’s honest, as I believe him when he says he’s never read a book before.
7) Cheaters Never Win
Monica and Sheree seemed to be the "pampered" NFL wives, but they soon showed that they could take the inevitable knocks that came with the territory.
When they had to queue for tickets, they were right behind "father and son" team Josh and Steve.
Suddenly, in a cruel twist of fate, they were skipped over by Josh's requesting tickets for four which were to include Steve and Dave (who were waiting BEHIND the ladies) and totally cut out M & S who were left open mouthed and flabbergasted. This was made worse by the fact that these were the last tickets available on that flight.
This is the rudest thing I can think of and akin to someone shoving their grocery cart loaded with goodies in front of me just as the cashier puts the "closed" sign on the conveyer belt.
Monica and Sheree took it as well as can be expected and when Steve (the ATC) tried to apologize, she looked at him and said "don't try to give me any s**t" or something close to that.
They had the last word though, as they settled into their seats and said "cheaters never win."
6) The Prize? Bus Fare!
This week, the entire continent yawned in unison on Saturday night, but no one knew why. Turns out ABC Family was airing an All-American Girl marathon, followed by the finale. Not that anyone actually wanted to see it, but they were contractually obligated to declare a winner. Do you care who won? It was Jessica. You know, the one the makeup beyotch said had a big nose. To earn her prize of bus fare back to Columbus, she had to sing the ultimate talent-show standard "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." If you see a Greyhound in your town, be sure to congratulate her.
5) My name's Lysette and I came to work.
Among the "also danced's" on the first episode of Fame, we met 20 year old Lysette Galindez.
She performed her way into the top 17 at the New York audition, thanked Debbie Allen for the opportunity, but said she had to go back to work.
When a phone call to her boss requesting extra time off didn't appear to be working, Debbie took the phone to plead Lysette's case and bought her an extra hour off later in the day.
A mad dash and a car crash later, Lysette was back at the auditions, minus her job.
She didn't make it to the final 24 stage, but we got to see the lengths Debbie will go for her "babies".
4) Is That a Milkbone in Your Pants or Are You Happy To See Me?
This week’s second episode of Dog Eat Dog featured Spencer Hill, a restaurant manager whose insightful introduction of himself consisted of the quote: “It’s a Dog Eat Dog world and I’m wearing Milkbone underwear, but I don’t really know what that means.” Lucky for Spence, understanding cliques isn’t a requirement for this show. His fellow contestants deemed Spencer least likely to meet the “trivia questions on a treadmill” challenge, but Spence surprised them with his knowledge of mainly pop culture trivia. He confused Reese Witherspoon for Sarah Jessica Parker, yet managed to answer 10 questions correctly in rapid enough succession to avoid being tossed off the back of the treadmill and into the pool. Why was the treadmill over a pool? Because it’s Dog Eat Dog, silly, and everyone looks better wet. Spence then eliminated the other remaining male contestant and beat a pretty girl in a bikini in a race up fake coconut trees -- and they say that reality TV isn’t realistic. As top dog, Spence needed to pick competitors least likely to know trivia questions and managed to pick a business major for a business question and had only male contestants left when the sports category showed up, yet he still won the game and the $25,000. Congrats, Spence, those Milkbone boxers look pretty good on you now.
3) If You Can't Spot The Sucker at the Table, It's You
This week, the World Poker Tour visited the Commerce Casino in Los Angeles for the LA Poker Classic. If you like poker of any variety, the Commerce Casino is your bag, baby. They've got it all, and there are plenty of folks around who'd be happy to take your money, too. Like the six men seated around this week's final table, for example. The chip leader was an engineering grad student named Daniel Rentzer. His chief competition would, of course, be the pros: Andrew Bloch (who finished 3rd at Foxwoods), Gus Hansen (the Danish phenomenon who won the first WPT event of the season at the Bellagio in Las Vegas), and David "The Dragon" Pham (whose only claim to fame appears to be a cool nickname).
It quickly became apparent that everyone at the table was going to be outclassed by Gus, who played as if he had an allergy to folding his hand. Early on, he won a $100,000+ pot with just a 10-high to his opponent's pair of eights. Gus would have probably bet 25 G's even if he'd been dealt two blank cards. Over the course of the tournament, Gus personally wiped out 4 of his 5 opponents, including the very inappropriately named Dragon (who bowed out meekly with barely a puff of smoke) and the college kid (who hung on to the bitter end and will actually win a spot in the coveted World Poker Championships because Gus already has one). By winning over half a million dollars for this tournament, Gus became the WPT's first million-dollar money winner of the season. Not bad for a couple of smoky weekends' work.
2) Mesh Shirts Outlawed in 37 States
You remember Carnie Wilson - how could you not? She was one third of the famous Wilson Philips, she's Brian Wilson's daughter, she had a complete mental breakdown, she had her stomach stapled and lost however many pounds, she's a guest judge on Fame, she's going to pose in Playboy, she's an accomplished fisherman who caught 2 giant sweater-porpoises in her fishing net. In what can only be described as a completely unwelcome preview of her upcoming Playboy gig, fans tuning in to see how low Joey Fatone will go for a buck, instead got to see pretty much everything Carnie had to offer, through the sheerest black mesh top we've seen on prime time. Word to NBC execs: People can't tune in if they're vomiting uncontrollably during the show.
1) Zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccc cccccccccch!
She’s back! No, the now infamous Flo from The Amazing Race 3 is not officially entered in this season’s edition. However, her impact on the lexicon of the racers is well intact, as evidenced by Amanda and Chris in the premier episode. During a particularly arduous hike in the Alps, Amanda was falling behind Chris. Though they were in first place at the time, Chris was growing impatient. Looking for inspirational words to motivate his partner, he called out. “Come on Flo!”
Amanda was shocked. It was an accusation that was the verbal equivalent to weapons of mass destruction. She countered with a threat… “If you keep yelling at me, I will die!” Chris was not intimidated, but he noted that Amanda’s death would not help the team. Therefore he allowed his stung partner to have the last word in this uplifting conversation, and Amanda took advantage calling Chris a “F***ing jerk!”
The truth is that Chris and Amanda were quite successful racing, even if they will not be writing a book on teamwork anytime soon. However, the ceremonial first pitch of a Flo comment is always worth noting, and is the number one moment this week.
The FORT would like to thank the following writers for contributing to the Top Ten this week. In alphabetical order: Bill_in_PDX, Cali, CaliGirl, Deep Dish, Fluff, John, lurkinggirl, Paulie