Each week the Fort Writers get together to write up 10 fun moments from the week in Reality TV. With the season finales of Mr. Personality, The Bachelor, and American Idol, one would think it would be easy to come up with 10 great moments. This week was tough for us. We finally came up with moments that I hope you all enjoy.
10) You be the judge
On American Idol's second season the judges have become harder edged. Well, everyone except Paula. In her case, she let her wrath out only on Simon while embracing Randy and calling him her brother. She has hit, pushed, shoved and verbally abused Simon for making his usual cruel but fair remarks.
Therefore, it was surprising to see the true love story behind the scenes. Simon and Paula had a romantic evening. The champagne was flowing, their glances were meeting, and soon the unimaginable happened -- they locked lips. I couldn't look away and yet I wanted to. Was it real? Did they have to take drugs? Did they use stunt doubles?
What on earth possessed the FOX people to air this? I wanted to cling to the notion that these two detested and despised each other and now all my illusions have been shattered.
9) ”But my Spanish is Better…”
When you think about it, the classic game shows are the first reality shows ever. The contestants are there to win money and/or prizes and usually act like real people. Watching The Worlds Most Outrageous Game Show Moments let us meet some truly funny people.
Included in the Clip Fest were segments where people in the mall were asked questions:
“Can you name a famous Homo sapien?” “Um… Rupaul” “Richard Simmons”
“What causes your Angina to act up?” “Usually yeast”
“How big is your girlfriends uvula?” “About 5 inches… or do you mean how deep? I don’t know that”
Then we were treated to a scene from the old “Newlywed Game” The host asked a question and the “husband” was having a hard time answering it. Finally he said, in heavy accent, “My Spanish is much better than my English”. The accommodating host told him to go ahead and answer in Spanish… his response? “I don’t speak Spanish”
8) So, this is why we had a two hour show?
I fully understand that American Idol wants to get every penny it can while it's hot. I forgave them all series long, the filler shows we endured to find out who had been booted each week.
Did we really need to be subjected to Simon's "dream" of a date with Paula? Do the producers realize that neither of the two can act? Did we have to see Randy pop up in bed next to Simon when he "woke up"?
These are rhetorical questions folks. We all know the answers are: NO, Apparently not, and NO.
Please, American Idol, spare the loyal viewers the embarrassment of sitting through such drivel next year.
7) The Loser's Last Limo -- Kirsten was about to toss her cookies
Kirsten was not the tearful, weepy loser that we all wanted her to be. We were not to be treated to sobbing or gnashing teeth, instead we got a wrathful, nauseous dumpee.
As Andrew was hemming and hawing and finally spitting out all that Kirsten had meant to him without choosing her, her eyes started narrowing as she began to accept her final fate.
She nodded and walked to the limo ahead of Andrew. When she was safely inside, all she could come up with was how sick she felt that "right now Andrew is proposing to Jen." In fact, she was so ill that she just wanted to throw up at the thought of them together.
Nice, gracious exit -- way to go, Kirsten!
6) Something Wicked This Way Comes
Thanks to the generosity of FOX allowing this show to go on for a marathon-length two hours, we were dragged kicking and screaming through tryouts for the foreign versions of "American Idol" in many countries such as the UK, Germany, Lebanon and France. And as if this wasn't annoying enough, it was accompanied by the running gleeful commentary of Ryan.
We get to travel all over the world to see and listen to auditions that were as terrible if not worse than the ones we were subjected to in the U.S. such as Keith's horrendous "Like A Virgin" for which Simon deemed him the "worst singer in the world." That was before Simon was exposed to these losers. I was struck by the realization then and there that bad singing is universal. (Start humming "We Are The World" right here for that feeling of oneness.)
I had to pinch myself to see if I could wake up from this nightmare but all I got out of it were some bruises and a ringing in my ears.
5) One Twin Peaks
This week Extreme Makeover took charge of one twin who felt she was less attractive than her identical twin sister.
Karen and Sharon are as close as any set of twins can be, but Sharon has always felt the lesser twin and was even told by a boyfriend that she was his second choice. Her sister was apparently the first choice but had been unavailable.
Sharon's nose was longer, she had a receding chin, she had been through a hernia operation and her bellybutton got lost in the shuffle, her boobs were too small -- this girl had a laundry list as long as your arm.
Under the loving care of Dr. Yuan, all of Sharon's wishes became realities. In fact, she turned out to be the better looking twin with whiter teeth, perkier and bigger boobies and a firm chin.
The nice thing was that her sister appeared to be thrilled for her and everybody ended up living happily ever after. Or so it would seem.
4) It Was All In His Mind
This was not at all what Chris had in mind. Watching him get spurned by Haley on the season Finale of Mr. Personality almost made enduring his presence all season long bearable.
He was stunned. After all, he controlled her throughout the series. He made sure she thought what he wanted, when he wanted, and how he wanted. It just didn’t seem conceivable to him that maybe she would see through him at some point.
The fact that she needed Will to point out the manipulative way Chris was playing is irrelevant. She found out, he was busted, and I was satisfied.
3) The Bachelor: Twistin' the Knife Away
One rose was left. Speculation was hitting fever pitch as to who the final winner and future Mrs. Firestone was going to be.
There were rumors, TV interviews, silver rings spotted on middle fingers, and facial expressions interpreted. They all pointed to Kirsten being the ultimate winner. Some people even thought that Kirsten seemed so darn gleeful on her ABC News affiliate interview that a lawsuit might ensue because she gave it away with certain things she said.
Then, Jen went up to Santa Ynez to “Meet My Folks.” They were enchanted, they were delighted, she was deemed “adorable” by Andrew’s Queen Mum. She was a shoo-in at least until Kirsten landed on her broom at the Firestone Winery. Then the family felt they had the real “star.”
However, the tarnish began to show a little around the edges when Kirsten was answering the family’s questions in her rapid-fire Florida Valley Girlspeak, without really saying anything at all.
The final nail in the proverbial coffin for Kirsten was her sudden frankness about dumping her boyfriend without even telling him. Andrew’s brother Adam wasted no time in telling his bro what he had heard. Andrew was aghast. He had asked Kirsten several times about this and never received such a clearcut answer. He asked her again on their last “date” together and she said she hoped that this trivial matter would not affect Andrew’s decision.
It didn’t. Andrew had decided long before that he had fallen in love with Jen. This may or may not have been true, but it was a fine ending with a twist of “wry” for “Bachelor 3.”
2) This Rose Has Thorns
Jen and Andrew had just settled in comfortably on the sofa with Jen sporting that nice Firestone rock on the ring finger of her left hand when it was time to face the music with a Q & A with Kirsten. Jen's smile quickly faded as Kirsten relentlessly pursued the "boyfriend, not a boyfriend" issue with Andrew. She just needed to get certain things straight in her mind. She also leveled accusations of her own against Andrew's brother. She claimed that the story was somehow twisted in the retelling and she was the injured party.
There was no doubt about it, Kirsten was one bitter lady and couldn't get it through her head that she wasn't going to be the next Mrs. F wearing that hot rock that could put your eye out.
When she was escorted out by the security guards after attempting to snatch the ring off Jen's finger (ok I made that up), things got much more lighthearted. In fact, bottles were uncorked and the party got started for real as we heard the ghostly chorus of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead."
1) You’re The Will That I Want
On the season finale of Mr. Personality, a show that is perhaps fighting for the title of the worst cast reality show in history, Hayley let out, what I would consider a Freudian Slip. I got the feeling that somehow she found out that Will’s “profession” was listed as “Millionaire”.
Remaining true to her boring persona Hayley unceremoniously dumped Chris. She smiled the whole time, and of course let us all know how very handsome Chris was after the de-Masking.
Will was brought down to hear the answer to his proposal to Hayley. She hemmed and hawed about how great she thought Will was before saying “I chose The Will”.
Now I have to wonder just what Will she’s talking about. The Will is a document dispersing one’s belongings after death. I have a feeling Hayley really knew what she wanted all along.
This weeks Top Ten list is brought to you by Cali and CaliGirl