Sister Wives

[RSTARMARGS]

Kody is an advertising salesman. My brother has actually worked with him before. And yes he does very well for himself. I doubt they take any kind of government aid. And probably wouldn't have gone on TV if they did. Also I didn't mean to offend or bring up the topic of homosexuality being a choice or not. All I meant to say was in response to Mindy's comment that both lifestyles are considered different than just a man and woman being married. I was merely trying to point out that if we can give one group of people our acceptance why not another as well? This doesn't seem that far out there but because it is driven by religion I think people automatically attach a stigma to it which is a double standard in my opinion and slightly unfair to these people. It seems perfectly okay to have affairs and be swingers and be serial monogamists (people who get married over and over) but this is sooo wrong and worse then that why? At least these people are trying to teach their kids values, have stayed together for many years through what must have been very hard circumstances sometimes. I think Meri could leave if she wanted but has stated that she wouldn't do that to her daughter because this is her daughters family. I find that admirable and appropriate to put your childs needs and happiness before your own. I think too often in society now days all people think about is themselves and if they are happy 100% of the time and satisfied and yada yada. Selfishness has very damaging consequences on any marriage...plural, gay or otherwise and I think a marriage can only last when we put our spouse's and our families needs before our own. And they should do the same for us. Don't get me wrong I think there are lots of sad things about this show and I feel for the other wives as well. They probably should have just stayed the three of them. They were obviously comfortable with that.

[Bearcata]

Personally, I think the Celts had it right. In their society they had several different kinds of marriage allowing for the fact we are human and do mess up. I do think their should be a limit to the number of wives a man can have once you get past 3 or 4 wives it is just plain ridiculous.

[Poppy Fields]

The problem a lot of people have is that this type of relationship is not an equal partnership. The male in this relationship is regarded as the head of the household and wields a lot of power (whether he uses it or not). I don't think the marriage of gay people, which in most of the educated world is NOT considered a choice anymore than heterosexuality is a conscious choice, is a viable comparison when you consider the dynamics of the relationship. If the argument is alluding that gay people make the choice and could remain celibate, I would like to point out if is a lot to ask a person to choose to be alone. This particular relationship being portrayed on TV shows reasonably strong women that have jobs, state they could leave at any time, etc. However, in general, this type of relationship smacks of the old days of women as chattel, and that is what irks me.

The patriarchal family tenet is Mormorn doctrine, not just for fundmentalistalist polygamists. So, it's part of the Mormon belief structure. There are so many Mormon doctrines that bewilder me, and I guess this isn't the proper forum to discuss them. But religion is a way of living our lives in expression of our beliefs. We do have a choice to embrace those beliefs, or not. The same is true of the decision to marry - whether you are gay or heterosexual.

It's my belief that it does not matter whether you deem homosexuality to be hardwired and biological, or not. What matters is that it's inappropriate to punish adults for their choices of spouses, absent coercement or abuse.

I may not agree with my neighbor's religious, political, marital, or other choices and I can refuse to have anything to do with him socially - but I can't deny or abridge his constitutional rights, nor burn crosses on his lawn.

[prhoshay]

Question....if first wife, Meri, decided to divorce Kody, does everybody "bump up" a notch and then the, formerly, second wife get married to Kody, or can he choose another of the women?

[PA Snow Bunny]

Question....if first wife, Meri, decided to divorce Kody, does everybody "bump up" a notch and then the, formerly, second wife get married to Kody, or can he choose another of the women?

Good question...does the state of Utah consider wives #2,3 & 4 as his legal spouses? I tried to watch this show last night & couldn't stomach it & this is coming from someone who enjoys Hoarders. Call me weird but I could never imagine watching my husband marrying another woman while holding our infant child.

[mindy384]

RSTARMARGS and J.D. ... thank you for providing "insider" insight. Please keep it coming--you are definitely educating us from a perspective that most of us are completely unfamiliar with outside of what we see printed in books or via the media. Yall are practically our personal anthropologists
Thanks again!

How old is Meri's daughter? Out of all the wives she is the only one I could imagine leaving...and then only after her daughter has left the home (so guessing that would be at 18?).

[chenoa333]

Thanks RSTARMARGS for the info on Kody. These people have definitely opened themselves up to lots of controversy, however, no matter who agrees or disagrees about the lifestyle of Kody and his family, as long as love, respect (including SELF respect) and freedom of choice is a part of their lives, then I have no problem with them.
I do however, agree that it takes a very different type of woman who can allow their husband to be shared with other women. I don't care how badly you want to have "sisters" and "lots of children"....the whole polygamy thing is so confusing for me both emotionally and intellectually. I have nothing against people who do this...as long as the intimate relationships don't involve children. But as I've stated before; I don't know how one man can work full time AND do a part time job on a reality show AND spend quality time with his 16+ kids. Just because it's weird doesnt' make it wrong, however, it appears that these adults involved in this family have individual issues as to why they are in this type of relationship: one wants lots of kids but can't have them, one wants lots of family etc etc.
I can only hope that they are teaching their children about the many other paths that lead to the top of the mountain.

[PWS]

In the comparison between same sex marriage and polygamy one reason feathers are getting ruffled is the use of the terms "lifestyle" and "choice" when talking about same sex relationships. Even if you don't say "choose a lifestyle" it's implied when you use the word "lifestyle". Being gay isn't a choice so it isn't a lifestyle you can choose. I'm pretty sure everyone here realizes that, but using the word lifestyle when talking about gay relationships implies that you don't to many readers, that you think it's a choice.
But the interesting point that was brought up is why more people (here anyway!) are more upset by a polygamous marriage between consenting adults and a same sex one, since both are illegal in most of the US for now. In the world as a whole there are far more legal polygamous marriages than same sex ones, so in theory people should be more tolerant of polygamy than gay marriage.
Just curious, but would people feel the same if the show were called Brother Husbands? I get the feeling that most of the writers are women imagining how they'd feel as a sister wife. Do your feelings extend to a situation when it would be you having the multiple partners?
What about a show called Siblilng Spouses?

[mindy384]

I'm pretty sure everyone here knows that I support equal rights for all and, thus, I support gay marriage (as long as marriage continues to be recognized by the state and is only offered to one particular group) , polygamy (if voluntary), etc... But what I have yet to see is scientific proof that being gay is programmed in our DNA. I know there have been studies and other scientific inquiries about the subject and I agree it would be nice to know if it was biological, but, it is not a scientific certainty. Personally, as I have stated many times before, it doesn't matter either way to me...BUT I do dislike seeing it as a topic of discussion so often because I feel like it shouldn't matter if people are wired that way or if it is a choice--we should not be able to restrict another human being's rights based on our personal beliefs.

And, don't get me wrong, I understand it would strengthen our position if we could absolutely prove that it is a biological determination (as another poster pointed out) but we should be careful using this argument because I think it provides people who wish to restrict the rights of others with talking points since there is not one study that has absolutely proven that this is a result of genetics (although I do recall a few years ago that a geneticist thought they may have discovered a gene linking the two). With regards to this thread, I brought up the parallels between homosexual and polygamous marriages because I think they are very similar in terms of being lifestyle choices that remain on the peripheries of our "heteronormative" society...situations that are scrutinized by the majority primarily because of our culture and traditions. Most interestingly, it strikes me as unusual that many citizens are for same-sex marriages but find sister wives "distasteful." I'd also like to chime in and agree with PWS about the brother husbands...I wonder how many of us would be absolutely fine with that scenario?

I really enjoy these discussions!

[Poppy Fields]

G
ood question...does the state of Utah consider wives #2,3 & 4 as his legal spouses? I tried to watch this show last night & couldn't stomach it & this is coming from someone who enjoys Hoarders. Call me weird but I could never imagine watching my husband marrying another woman while holding our infant child.

As far as the state is concerned, the only legally married Brown couple are Meri and Kody. So, if Meri divorces Kody (or dies), Kody is no longer a polygamist, under the law. Utah has some peculiar "cohabitation" test for polygamy but where there is no legal marriage at all, it's doubtful that it could be enforced.