Writers at the FORT welcome you once again to the weekly Top Ten List. We hope you enjoy reading them as much as we enjoy writing them. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the countdown.
10. Grease is the Word
Yes, Clay Aiken is a wonderfully polished singer. Yes, he has a killer wink and a great smile. But can he dance? The answer? A resounding NO. This week, one of American Idol's frontrunners decided to break routine and ahem, shake things up a bit with his rendition of Grease. Borrowing Michael Jackson's old jacket and channeling Elvis, Clay gave his legions of fans something to squeal about. It wasn't Simon's cup of tea and likely not Clay's best performance to date, but one thing's for certain, Clay was born to entertain!
9. But is it really something you want to brag about?
Fear Factor was a sight to behold this week. No I’m not talking about the bikinis or swim trunks, although the trunks did look good. I’m talking about the second stunt for the women in this week’s semi-final two-hour episode. The stunt was to stand in a tank of cold water with hundreds of dead, black and white, feeder mice. The women then had to take the black ones and transfer them to a separate holding tank, with their mouths. Yum. After the first woman managed a measly 10 mice the second two needed only to reach 11 each to secure their spot in round three. Contestant two went for it and continued to transfer until her three-minute time limit was up, ending with a total of 19 mice. The third contestant was speeding along. She reached 11 and host Joe Rogan told her to continue so she could have bragging rights. Being a sane, intelligent person I decided it would be better to brag about being smart enough to know that you didn’t have to continue. I guess Fear Factor breeds a different type of person, as she continued to try to up the mouse count. Idiot.
8. Mr. Personality: The Xanax moment that ended in disgrace and dismissal
Hayley and her suitors were comfortably draped on the various sofas and having a few glasses of wine, when Ted the musician seemed to be taken over by spirits that rendered him speechless. Being the resourceful kind of guy that he is, he started using his hands to point to his eyes and mouth which was meant to convey something brilliant. It only served to confuse Hayley who was quite annoyed at the interruption because she was too busy basking in the glory of being gazed at by her men.
When Ted was asked if he was drunk, he answered that it was more than that. Eventually, he passed out much to the disgust of our Princess H. and had to be carried upstairs and put to bed.
When he tried to explain to Hayley the next day that he was so full of anxiety at being rejected by her that he took a Xanax to calm himself, she at first refused to listen. When she eventually sat down with him he said that he hoped this would not ruin his chances of staying so that she could get to know him better.
From the look on Hayley's face and her subsequent ousting of Ted, we all came to the same conclusion - Hayley knew quite enough about Ted.
7. He Was Right Under Their Noses
When we first saw Buddy Jewel 9 weeks ago he was hiding behind a mullet haircut and long “fat guy” jacket. He had been trying to make it in the country music business for 10 years, singing on hundreds of demos and taking odd jobs, desperate for that one big break. Although Buddy didn’t win one of the 5 regional finals, the judges gave him a second chance by placing him in the top 12. They sent him out for a haircut and a wardrobe makeover. His popularity grew steadily as the weeks of competition passed, until this week when the entire audience belonged to him. They were chanting his name, wearing his T-shirts, waving his signs, and crying tears of joy for him. His duet partner for the night, Trace Adkins, told the crowd, “Buddy Jewel ain’t no thinkin’ thing, that boy is a star”, and the audience wholeheartedly agreed. When all the results were in, Buddy Jewel was named as the first ever Nashville Star. He finished the night by singing “I Want To Thank Everyone Who Ever Told Me No”. Every inch of him belongs to Sony Nashville now ($$ CHA-CHING! $$), and all the record execs who told him no for 10 years are crying in their beer tonight.
6. Cry Me a River
This week on Extreme Makeover we got to see Amy transform from a caterpillar to a butterfly. Though the change on the outside was dramatic, the change on the inside was even more so. Amy unleashed a torrent of tears at each step of her journey as she was grateful for the results. As her features were refined she threw out the emotional baggage of her childhood and claimed a new mindset to carry her through life. She could have ridden a wave of tears home instead of taking the limo with all the crying she did for the "old Amy".
5. And I Thought It Was Just A Hike
Having watched Eco Challenge last year, I should have known better, I should have remembered. I didn’t. This is no ordinary hike up a mountain. It’s no regular bike ride through town. It’s no usual canoe trip. This is Eco Challenge, the hardest race in the world. I heard it every night: “Eighty-One teams start the race, only twenty-three will finish”. Amazing.
Something else amazing came out of this race. I found out just how tough I really am. I had no idea how many shots of blistering feet I could actually handle, how many times I could watch people vomit, or the fact that I could listen to a team member describing his sick companions canoe after a ride down the river that had him vomiting every few minutes and suffering severe diarrhea many times over. He never left his canoe. Yes folks, I am tougher than I thought. I may even be able to watch the next installment of Eco Challenge, having trained so hard this year.
4. Forget that Crap
Tina fabulous laid everything on the line this week. She opened her heart , and finally stopped pushing Andrew away. Andrew babbled on about Tina challenging him,and not wanting a wife who was boring.
To prove how sincere he is , he let Tina go.This proved to me he likes his women quiet ( nothing wrong with Jen don't get me wrong) , or bitchy and unable to get along with anyone.Forget about the challenge,make me think crap.
At her exit ,Andrew was still trying to get Tina to conform to his expectations. She wasn't having any of it , and there were no tears or hysterics. At this stage of the game that is quite refreshing.
She looked right at the camera, and said she didn't want to spend her time barefoot and pregnant in the vineyard anyway. As Austin Powers would say "Ouch Baby"
3. These Eco-Challenge babes don't need a Zeta Crown
There are some women that don't need to bring along luxury items like Zeta crowns, because they had to lug 50lb kayaks on their backs to the riverbank and then beat a stringent time limit to inflate them and get into the water pronto.
This task was almost too much for Team Brazil, but they managed to not only transport the kayaks despite the crushing weight and a bad cut on Nora's finger, but with great team spirit and determination they got the job done. After that, Shubi made the right decision to have Nora seek medical attention since her life was at stake.
The Playmates - Team Smirnoff Ice - was also a great team until the inclement weather, fatigue and severe dehydration due to illness took its toll on team member Danelle Folta, and she had to be airlifted to a hospital.
The camaraderie and pain shared between these teams was so strong that the extremely sick members of the team had to be convinced that they needed help because they were risking their lives.
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!
2. Only You Can Prevent Rainforest Fires
This week on Survivor: The Amazon, the Jacare camp returned from reward challenge to find their camp burned down. As Butch quickly pointed out, there were many possibilities for the cause of the conflagration, and no one person could be blamed. Right…
Oh sure, some of the local wildlife might have gotten fed up with the incessant whining coming from the camp, and yes, a couple of the monkeys had guilty looks on their faces after the fire was out. Perhaps one of those famous wild Amazon wind fire storms rolled through, and hit the camp. Maybe one of Dave’s rockets went awry. Nevertheless, the smart money is riding on the obvious choice of Butch insanely collecting a year’s supply of dried wood and storing it right next to an unattended fire. It was only a bonus that everyone’s belongings were caught in the fire, well all except for Heidi’s, and she was booted the next day.
1. My Plans Are So Secret; Even I Don’t Know Them
This week on Survivor: The Amazon, Heidi was booted from the tribe. This wasn’t necessarily unexpected, so it would otherwise be a non-top ten worthy moment. What was shocking, was Heidi’s perception of her own role in the game.
Referring to herself as the “mastermind” behind all the deals and alliances in the Amazon, we were left just as baffled as her tribe mates were. What were these deals she was involved with? Maybe it was Enron? For, as far as we could tell, after the merge, her offers were rejected flat out by anyone she approached. In fact, so low had Heidi’s stock sank, that Rob felt comfortable telling her directly that she was next to go.
Faced with a majority vote against her, yet so close to getting a shot at the million dollar prize, what did our “mastermind” do? Did she approach Butch to break up the guys alliance? No. Did she remind Matt that Rob has been playing him the entire game? No. Did she try to convince Rob that he will be getting his butt kicked in the final immunity challenge? No. Instead, our “mastermind” made a feeble attempt to sell out her alliance mate Jenna, and then failing that, she slept most of the day. Quite the master plan Heidi, and the number 1 moment this week.
Thanks to all the writers who contributed this week. In alphabetical order, they are: Bill_in_PDX, cali, CaliGirl, enygma, Feifer, Miss Filangi, Zhora