It's the moment you've all been waiting for - Our writers have chosen and written another set of Top 10 Moments in Reality TV! Fasten your seatbelts and return your seat backs to an upright position, grab the oxygen mask, and let's go:
10. Boy Are You Gonna be Sorry
When our Bachelorette Cristina, who most wanted to be MRS. ANDREW FIRESTONE got the boot, she was totally amazed. In the rant and cry exit speech, she went quickly from being teary to being bunny boiler angry. "You are going to be SO sorry" was repeated quite a few times. It was not the Trista / Amanda "you are going to be sorry", as in we could have lived happily ever after sorry. It was the Jersey Girl "I'm going to find my friends Tony and Rocko, and you WILL be sorry" kind of sorry.
9. The Guys Suck, But They Do It Well
"Fear Factor" started the semi finals this week with three stunts that were actually quite tame by Fear Factor standards. Half of the contestants were eliminated in round one (by design), leaving four guys and two gals to compete in round two. No eyeballs to eat, no squid to dive through, no dead rats to transfer by mouth. In fact all these 6 had to do was suck a teat. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, they had to wrap their mouths around a goatís teat and suck. No wonder it was all guys in the last round. I have to say, I was disturbed by this stunt more so than any ďsecondĒ stunt Iíve seen. Iím sure Iíll recover, but the goats may never be the same.
8. The More Things Change - The More They Stay the Same
They call it a reveal on "Trading Spaces" - I guess you could call it the same thing on "Extreme Makeover". While this week's lady Melissa did have a drastic change, Dave's main changes were not of the plastic surgery kind. He had an extensive amount of work done on his face , but didn't look a lot different. Hair and wardrobe did most of the work. Daves attitude sure changed though, as he was happy and confident with the outcome. Maybe that old saying "all you need is a new haircut", has some truth.
7. It is better to give!
This week on "Survivor: The Amazon", we got a chance to see the spirit of true generosity. Matthew won the reward challenge giving him a chance at a visit with his mom. He gave it all up so that the other members could visit with their loved one. Each one joined the group with hugs and kisses abundant. Though Matthew was the only one who did not get a visit, he was happy for his tribe mates. Once everyone was on the beach they were informed that they had ten minutes to visit and enjoy some food and wine. Soon the ten minutes were up and after some quick goodbyes the tribe was left on the beach with Jeff. He informed Matt that he agreed it was better to give than receive. Mattís mother was then escorted by boat to the shore and they had a quick reunion before Jeff detailed the elaborate reward they would both experience. He got a chance to spend the evening with his mother enjoying a meal and a demonstration of traditional dance by a local tribe. Fun was had by all that day simply because Matthew was willing to give up his visit for the benefit of the tribe and the possibility of a few jury votes later. Maybe Matthew is playing the game better than we thought.
6. What's Good For the Gander Cooks The Goose
On this weeks installment of "Mr. Personality", Hayley and the Masked Men were treated to a Hawaiian Luau complete with Hula Dancer/Slut Girls... ahh, donít get mad at me, I didnít hire them. Hayley, being the spoiled attention-seeking Princess that she is, was not a happy girl. Although she took one of her suitors into the ďdark roomĒ (if you donít know what the Dark Room is, picture the closet used in spin the bottle games), she was mortified to find out that some of the men that were supposed to be lavishing attention on her, not only noticed the dancers, but noticed the dancers, and were more than happy to get to know them better. Poor Hayley, how dare they. Really they have a chance to be with HAYLEY for crying out loud, why would they ever jeopardize that, to be with a hip swiveling, grass skirt wearing dancer? They must be idiots. Or men.
5. Brandi Helps Pour Out The Rain
Well, it took almost all the way to the very last show, but the human fire hydrant Brandi Gibson finally got the boot from "Nashville Star". She has a great voice, and when the show began, she was endearingly humble. But as time passed, she began to focus less on her performances and more on her diva training. And she never did seem to get a handle on all those tears.
Wasn't it a huge surprise for everyone, then, that she held it together and didn't drop a single tear when she was eliminated from the show? *pause* BWAHAHAHAHA!! I'm kidding, of course. She started crying as soon as John Arthur was invited to continue in the competition. At that point, she and Buddy were the only two remaining. I guess she gets kudos for realizing there was no way she'd defeat him, but it did mean that she got a headstart on bawling, which is always awkward and annoying for us viewers.
So long, Brandi. If I need to find you, I'll just paddle my canoe up the River of Tears. But don't hold your breath.
4. What Whine goes with Deep Fried Fish?
On Andrew's visit to Christina's family, she takes him to a Portugese deli to "share her heritage". They ended up sharing a plate of food ,and it was Andrews turn to impress Christina with his international flair. The panic in his eyes when he bit into a bit of deep-fried cod was hysterical. As the stuff on the plate was all deep-fried bits of undentified things, Andrew panicked. In the confessional he said he wasn't going to eat that exotic stuff again since only one thing was good, and he wasn't quite sure what it was. I knew Christina was in the deep-fryer then...
Cultural note: I have several Portugese neighbors and nothing I have ever eaten at their table has been outlandishly spicy, controversial or even unusual. Just great food, especially the baking. (Well there was that one goat they roasted, but since it was whole and on a spit in the backyard - you could see that one coming.) This boy has never eaten anything more wild than mac & cheese in his life. I guess Mommy wouldn't let him.
3. Shocking Upset: HP Sales Guy Wiped Out By Pros
This week, the "World Poker Tour" checked in at the Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut for the World Poker Finals. The final table featured five exceptional pro players...and one sales "executive" from Hewlett-Packard Company. Peter Giordano didn't look exactly like a little sheep in a meadow full of wolves, but he sure didn't look comfortable, either. He sported a baseball cap whose logo (probably HP) was blotted out by some gauche-looking Silly Putty compound. And he wore the requisite dark shades favored by poker amateurs everywhere. Of course, he tended to remove his sunglasses in stressful situations, which is what experienced poker players call a "tell". A tell is a nervous habit that betrays to your opponents when you're behaving differently due to an extremely powerful hand or an outlandish bluff. Pete honed his skills playing online poker and may never have known he had a tell, but I can guarantee he knows it now. In general, he played pretty well as the only amateur at the table, but he laid down a winning hand when one of the pros bet aggressively on a bluff hand with nothing in it. And he pushed in all his chips on an extremely dubious hand which led to his elimination from the tournament. He did manage to finish 5th (ahead of one pro player who seemed either tired or distracted), and he should be happy with that. At least he got out of there with his ridiculous-looking gummy hat.
2. I Could Have Lived My Whole Life...
...without seeing Rob from "Survivor: The Amazon" in a Speedo, or Butch talking to Ralph on the big white telephone. My life would have been fine. Now, however, those images ares the catalyst for my nightmares. I try to sleep, but as I close my eyes the image begins to appear. I can hear Butch vomiting, hell I can almost smell it. I see him there on the log. Heís drunk, hurling and vomit is dangling from his moist lips. Heís staring at his own crotch as he wretches some more.
Then as quickly as that image formed another takes itís place. Rob is laughing as he sings and dances. He is wearing a Speedo that Europeans would be proud of, and I find myself gagging. I have heard people refer to Mark Burnett as ďEvilĒ before, but until I saw those images I never bought into that idea. Now I believe Mark is the Devil. He is messing with my mind and he sits and laughs at the havoc he has caused. His malevolence is frightening.
The doctors have given my Xanax, but all it does is make the nightmares last longer. This will haunt me for quite some time. Whether or not it deserves to be an actual Top Ten Moment is uncertain, but misery loves company and I couldnít traverse this long road alone.
1. How to Stop Worrying and Love the Vote
As we are heading down toward the finish line, it seems to get more difficult for the finalists to act as if their heads are on the chopping block as Ryan prolongs the tedious process of the inevitable elimination.
This week, the most "Worried Expression Followed by a Huge Sigh of Relief Award" goes to Clay. As if that guy has anything to worry about, but does he?
Ruben Studdard, the other frontrunner and most likely to win AI by oddsmakers in Vegas, has also perfected the "worried frown" although it is a more subtle version than Clay's. When Ryan announced Ruben's first time appearance in the "bottom two" he didn't even have a chance to break out in his usual big dimpled grin.
Luckily, he was spared the travesty of elimination, with Trenyce getting to "shoop shoop" it off the stage, but so far, this was the most dramatic moment on AI. It's taught us that no one is safe.
The FORT would like to thank the following writers, in alphabetical order, for their contributions this week:
Cali, CaliGirl, Enygma, Feifer, and Paulie