It’s that time of the week again. The FORT writers have scoured the reality shows to find the Top Ten moments to share with you, our loyal readers. Sit back, relax, and enjoy:
10) Slim Pickin’s
All right, I really do understand that technically this is not considered a Reality TV Top Ten Moment. The fact, that even after watching hours of programming, the writers only came up with 9 moments that warranted a spot on the list, actually makes the list this week. We searched, we racked our brains, but we couldn’t round out the list.
9) But You Wanted To Be The Sick Bastard
If Scare Tactics were a once a month special, they would easily find enough good material to fill a half hour. Unfortunately, it’s on twice a week. Sitting through entire episodes in hope of finding one truly funny moment can at times be an exercise in futility.
This week though, we did get to see one genuinely funny thing. No I’m not talking about Shannon’s dress, which was going to be this weeks top ten moment of nothing else happened.
Enter out victim. He’s a cocky son of a gun who thinks he’s taping a pilot for a new hidden camera show. His job is to go into a barbershop and ask for a haircut while wearing a special wig, which will begin dripping blood onto his face shortly after the hair cut starts.
He can’t wait. He hopes the barber suffers an aneurysm. Gets giddy at the thought of a heart attack. He is jolly while telling us that it’s the price you pay for being a barber.
Seeing an old man in the shop only heightened his glee. He really is a punk of the highest order.
The blood starts to pour and God must have been listening, as the barber suffers a heart attack.
Our once cheerful victim stops in mid scream and starts trying to tell the dying old man it was a joke. He tells him to stop (can you do that? Just stop having a heart attack?). This moron is scared to death, and finally the show lives up to all the self-hype. A cop that happens by tells him it didn’t matter that he was filming a TV show would still be involuntary Manslaughter. He is freaking out and I am laughing out loud. They need to tell him 4 or 5 times that he was actually the victim. His response? “You sick Bastards!!”
8) I Really Am Sorry Mom
Kaitlyn, Madison and C.J. repeat these words often, yet still wonder what mom Jeanne has fed them for dinner.
In a classic case of “Screw you all” Jeanne decided it would be a nice gesture to cook dinner for her remaining tribe mates on Survivor. In one of the few “Never Before Seen” moments we were witness to on Survivor Redux this week, dinner was served. It just happened to contain maggots and mold.
Now I am a trusting, optimistic person but two things would have clued me in that perhaps eating Jeanne’s meatballs (Yes, since they contained maggots I think they can be considered “meat” balls) were not a good idea.
1)The tribe had just voted off her closest ally in the game, yet she cooked with a huge grin on her face, and
2)Jeanne stayed as far away from the meatballs as she could. If the chef won’t eat his or her own food, why should I?
This will undoubtedly earn Jeanne a place in the “biggest Reality TV Bitch” hall of fame.
7) Catch Carmen, She’s Got Me Lucky Charms
Visit any American Idol Fan site and you will undoubtedly read pages and pages questioning why Carmen remains on the show week after week. Most people agree she’s cute and seems sweet. They also agree that she should have been gone weeks ago if the show is actually about singing talent. Once again this week Carmen stayed on to sing again. She’s been there to wave goodbye to fellow contestants that even she knows have more singing talent.
If I were Clay or Rueben I’d begin to worry. This girls luck shows no signs of stopping.
I have heard that there are three legged rabbits struggling to hop all around LA. The four leaf clovers that once grew everywhere have disappeared. Horses are shoeless, Turkeys are wishboneless, and Carmen remains…. Coincidence? I think not!
6) She May Be Deaf, But She’s Not Dumb
This weeks Survivor Recap show recycled many moments that really weren’t that interesting the first time around. We did however get to see moments of Christie, we have never before been witness too.
She had a grand time teaching her tribe mates some sign language, and I learned that with sign language you can just make things up. For instance the sign for “Tambaqui” is now officially “team” and “Fish”. Made up on the spot. Pretty neat, really.
We then see that Christie may actually be playing the game. She smiled and nodded all throughout her fire watch with Dave, the night before he was “scheduled” to be kicked out. She let him butter her up, hold her, teach her how to swing dance and smile coyly. All the while he’s thinking he’s saving himself, while she’s thinking “If you’re going to pretend to be at all interested in me, don’t wait until the night before you leave”. It was great to see her “get it”.
She also made it clear that she can and does help the tribe, by catching plenty of fish after Joanne’s departure.
I have a feeling that Christie has a few more tricks up her sleeve, and I can’t wait to see them.
5) Lessons in Love from Don Luis
This week, the World Poker Tour heads to the jungle for the Costa Rica Classic. It's a truly international event held at the fabulous Casinos Europa (which, by the way, is a single casino, even though it has that mysterious "s" on the end). The owner of the Casinos Europa is Luis Milanes, a mountain of a man who stands well over six feet tall and goes three and a half bills if he weighs an ounce. "Don Luis," as he is known, is an avid amateur poker player who points proudly to the fact that his tournament features four serving women for every man in the field. It is unclear how many serving men are available for the handful of female poker players I observed at the tables. Four in total, perhaps.
Don Luis is also the current chip leader in the tournament, with more chips in front of him than all five of the other players combined! Seated, Don Luis is an intimidating sight, especially with all those chips stacked in front of him. He resembles a youthful Jabba the Hutt, before all those years of Ho-Hos and Sno-Balls began to take their toll. As the tournament unfolds, we gain insight into the inner workings of the mighty Don Luis. He informs us in an aside that he would gladly bite someone's ear off if it would help him win the tournament, which establishes him right away as a player with a fresh new outlook on competitive poker play. Later, we discover that he’s also a ladies man when he announced that playing poker is exactly the same as driving a car or romancing a beautiful woman: "You must be patient, you must be persistent, and you must be a little lucky." He must know what he's talking about because the man receives neck and shoulder massages throughout the tournament. Disappointingly, the massages are delivered one cocktail waitress at a time. Naturally, I was expecting four.
By the time it’s over, Don Luis squanders all of his chips and checks out of the tournament with a disappointing third-place finish. Since he relates his poker play to both seduction and driving, we now know two things: Don Luis spends most of his nights alone, and we should all stay indoors when he gets behind the wheel.
4) How to Win Friends and Influence People
This week’s All American Girl was a double-airheader due to the war coverage. Just when you thought you’d suffered through the worst-edited hour of your life, along comes another bonus hour! Each girl had to come up with a 20-second answer for what the greatest invention is, and why. The other girls wore earmuffs so they couldn’t steal ideas. After Natalie lauded the invention of the temporary boob job, well-endowed Ali took off her earmuffs just in time to hear Mitch say “Let’s hear it for boobies!” Ali must have thought Mitch was talking about her, but hardly broke her stride. Poor girl. We almost didn’t get to hear about how great the computer was. Maybe you should have chosen “brass knuckles” as your favorite invention, and demonstrated on Mitch for us.
3) The Star-Spangled Whiner
What an exciting time to be a Nashville PleaseCanIBeAStar! The gang found out this week that they're going to be given the opportunity to sing our national anthem at an honest-to-goodness NASCAR event! Shee-oot! If that don't beat all!
The group practices once at the site of the big race. They're advised not to feature anybody and to work towards a pleasant harmony, but Brandi can't resist showing off the fun tricks she can do with her voice. Yeah, we get it. You have command of your larynx. Well done. Now pay attention to your instructions.
Back at the house, Buddy is taking this responsibility very seriously. He advises everyone that it would make good sense to practice their group effort every night of the week leading up to the race, even if that means skipping some of the late-night partying. Everyone nods somberly except for Brandi, who whines that she doesn't party but she does like to go out and besides that her voice is perfect so why should she practice anyway? Then she storms out of the room tearfully and retreats to the porch so someone will come get her and make her feel special. Resident nice guy John Arthur bolts after her and, unfortunately, fails to kick her down the stairs and lock the front door, choosing instead to feed her fragile ego with soothing words of contrition. Darn.
Tune in this week for more adventures of the level-headed patriots and the shrieking, sobbing wanna-be diva.
2) I Love You… Hey, Where Are You Going?
This week was decision day on Married By America. Would either of the two couples get married? Or, would they run from each other as fast as their attention seeking legs would carry them?
For Jill, the answer was simple. Kevin had no job, goals, direction in life, or photography skills. It just wasn’t going to work. Meanwhile Tony decided at the last minute that Billie Jean and himself were on different levels with their feelings. As he walked away from the ceremony, general bedlam ensued, with Billie Jean’s roommate launching a furious verbal assault and beer tossing exhibition. Oh sure, he didn’t move much beyond the word “loser”, which was ironic considering that most of the beer he tossed ended up back on him, but it was the effort that mattered.
Neither of the couples got married. No one won the grand prize. Many people were humiliated and permanently scarred. Yup, just a normal night of Fox television, and a top ten moment this week.
1) Amber's Connection Didn't Cause a Spark (LG)
Andrew Firestone's friends got to pick the one on one and group dates for this week's episode of The Bachelor, and the first "lucky lady" was Amber, who accompanied Andrew to an ice skating rink.
Q: What is more awkward than two people who've never ice skated before, trying to skate together on a first date?
A: Amber and Andrew's attempt at a conversation.
When the topic of conversation turned to restaurants, Amber noted that Olive Garden was her favorite, but Andrew, however, was not so hip to the Garden. Amber seemed confused by his failure to embrace the Eye-talian equivalent of Applebee's as a restaurant of note, and took it to mean that Andrew didn't like pasta. Andrew corrected her and stated that he did like pasta and Italian cuisine, just not Olive Garden.
That correction sailed right over Amber's head, and she proceeded to stare blankly the rest of the date, which to the viewers looked painfully long. On the way back to the mansion, Andrew tries to salvage his evening in purgatory by sneaking in a quick kiss in the limo, only to receive a smackdown of WWF proportions by her not too subtle, "not now" forearm to his chest. After that exchange, who would be surprised that Amber would not be selected to stay at the next ceremony? Why Amber, who was left in a huff without saying goodbye, but with an ugly scene that earned her a Top Ten Moment of the Week. Congrats, Amber, you are reality tv's sorest loser of the week.
Special thanks to this weeks contributors, in alphabetical order: Bill, Cali, John, Lurkinggirl and Paulie