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Thread: My Lame Recap of Celebrity Boot Camp

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    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    My Lame Recap of Celebrity Boot Camp

    For some unknown reason I decided to recap “Celebrity Boot Camp”. No one asked me too, I volunteered. What was I thinking????

    This recap will be pretty short (for a two hour show). It will also be pretty lame, as I do not feel well this morning, and it was a lame show
    We are introduced to the ten QC’s (Quasi Celebrities), then to the drill Instructors (hence forth known as the DI’s) who read us the QC’s names like good little soldiers would: “Lamas, Lorenzo starred in Televisions Renegade. Has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and Karate” Ooohhhh, that’s pretty impressive.
    Unfortunately it’s all down hill from here.
    My favorite 3 were:
    “Zeiring. Nikki: considers herself a good friend of Hefners”
    “C, Vitamin: Likes to balance things on her head”
    “Morvan, Fabrice: Forced to return Grammy”

    These 10 QC’s had no idea what the hell they had gotten themselves into. They were laughing and joking on their 3:30am bus ride into camp. They have big smiles as the DI’s board the bus. With in 1.06 seconds there was not a pearly white to be seen. The DI’s wiped the smiles off their faces quick, fast, and in a hurry. I thought Kato was going to cry.

    They are brought into the processing room… to be processed…. They line up and are told, one at a time. Wait, They aren’t told, they are screamed at. Up in your face, spit flying in your eye, hot breath up your nose: SCREAMED AT!!!! DUMP YOUR SUITECASES OUT NOW.

    You really will have to forgive me, as I really had a hard time understanding the Neanderthals, but will do my best to capture a few of the better moments

    1) They make Vitamin C balance her make-up bag on her head
    2) They make Bingham put on the knee high, bright pink, pleather boots she brought to boot camp.
    3) They question Barry about his wedding band. All goes well until Barry says “Yes Ma’am”….. to one of the MALE DI’s. Much in your face screaming ensues.
    4) They make Tiffany sing: “I think we’re alone now there doesn’t seem to be anyone around…”
    5) They make Fabrice Lip Sync Tiffany’s song. Only he doesn’t know the words.
    6) They ask Faustino if he actually tells people he used to be Bud Bundy: “NO SIR”

    Vitamin C was crying 3 hours into Boot Camp.

    They go out for the march… Say it with me:
    Left, Right, Left, Right, Left. Then we are treatedto one of the DI’s…. “YOU’RE OTHER LEFT FOOT BINGHAM… YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME… THE OTHER LEFT FOOT”

    Coolio and Faustino are ready to go. Coolio likens ot to Jail. Says he didn’t care much for jail.

    For the record, Coolio was my pick to win, I thought he would have no problem with this. He’s falling fast, and being pretty much a big giant @$$ about the whole thing

    They have a mile run and some other boot campy type stuff. Now it is time for Mission 1

    E.P.I.C. (Extract Pilots Indemnify Cargo)
    They have been split into two teams, but for this mission will work as one… whatever, why the hell split them now? Rescue two downed pilots, retrieve 1 missile and get them all back to the beach in 25 minutes.
    Coolio is yelling the entire time. I think he should have been a DI. They complete the mission with 42 seconds to spare. They are all reamed because the missile was on wheels, but they refused (even though Coolio yelled that it would be a good idea) to put either of the pilots on top of it to wheel them in.

    Since they won, they each get a 1 minute phone call. Only 2 stand out as worth mentioning:
    1) Zeiring uses this time to check her voice mail
    2) Kato dials wrong so he leaves a message on a strangers answering machine “Hi, you don’t know me because I thought I dialed my saughters phone number…..”

    Dismissal number 1

    Vitamin C and Nikki Zeiring are dismissed from Boot Camp

    Mission 2

    V.I.R.U.S (Vital Information Recall Under Stress)
    Instructions are simple. You will be captured and interrogated. DO NOT TELL THEM ANYTHING. By that I’m pretty sure they mean DO NOT TELL THEM ANYTHING. Try to get any information you can while you are captured.
    You are split into two teams.
    ALPHA: Coolio, Kato, Bingham, Williams
    BRAVO: Lamas, Tiffany, Fabrice, Faustino

    3 hours in. It’s in the 90’s and they are not given any food or water. They have been blindfolded and handcuffed all this time.
    The blindfolds come off for small periods of time throughout the mission.
    8 hours in and Bingham starts singing like a bird.
    “What was your mission yesterday?”
    “We had to rescue 2 pilots and 1 missile SIR”
    “Who is training you?”
    “Rosenbaum, Moore and Francisco SIR”
    “How many recruits did it take to complete the mission?”
    “10 SIR”

    After the mission the two teams are asked a series of 10 questions. Alpha got 3 right. Bravo got 7 right. Lamas was kickin’ some serious butt here. He knew them all! Ah, my new favorite. Lamas is cool man!

    It is time for Dismissal number 2. Four of the remaining 8 will leave. Bingham doesn’t want it to be her and she can’t understand why the DI’s are being so mean to her.. Um… Honey, YOU GAVE THE ENEMY THEIR NAMES! So it’s a given that she’ll go.
    1) Williams
    2) Morvan
    3) Kato
    4) Tiffany

    WTF???? Tiffany????? Yes, Bingham makes it to the final four and Judas is the new national hero.

    They go right onto the competition that will determine the final 2. The recruits must hang on a bar until there are only two left hanging. Faustino gets to hang next to Lamas. This is funny only because it looks like a father and son playing on the playground equipment. Lamas is a tall man. He towered over the DI’s. Faustino is maybe 4’11”. It was cute

    One minute and 24 seconds in Faustino falls. A minute later Lamas tries to rearrange his grip and slips. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

    Coolio and Bingham are the final 2. They have been awake for over 19 hours, but the 24 hour gauntlet starts NOW.

    I wish I cared enough to really have fun with the Gauntlet events. But I don’t.
    1) Cold shower ~ Coolio wins
    2) Build identical wall ~ Coolio wins
    3) Obstacle course 1 ~ Coolio wins
    4) Tower repel while remembering info ~ Coolio wins
    5) Bomb Color Match to spell out code ~ Coolio wins
    6) Shoot targets ~ Coolio wins
    7) Obstacle course 2, run twice.. beat your own score ~ Bingham wins
    8) Bar hang that got you to the Gauntlet ~ Bingham wins

    Now it’s time for the ex-recruits to return and pledge their dog-tags to one of the finalists
    1) Morvan ~ Bingham
    2) Zeiring (because they posed for playboy together) ~ Bingham
    3) Faustino ~ Bingham
    4) Lamas ~ Bingham
    5) Kato ~ Coolio
    6) Vitamin C (After a coin toss) ~ Coolio
    7) Williams (Because he looks scared to death of him)~ Coolio
    8) Tiffany ~ Coolio

    Coolio is the winner of the $50,000. I must mention that I never once heard any referance to Charities. I do believe that Coolio gets to keep his money!

    All in all, it was a fun watch. The faces on the QC’s as they were being screamed at was priceless. Lamas admitted to shaking. Coolio was ready to quit. These DI had the time of their lives!
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  2. #2
    eny
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    Kato was the girliest girl there. Every time he got yelled at he winced.I kept looking for the puddle underneath him
    How Tiffany got dumped over Bingham is a mystery.

    I was really impressed with Coolio. He came in with the I'm all that attitude, and left more disciplined .What he said to the DI's blew me away.


    Great recap Cali!!! You and I must have been the only ones who watched

  3. #3
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    Excellent Cali.

    I didn't hear mention of charitable donations either.
    I guess Coolio did get to keep it.
    "That's Numberwang!"

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    Evil Slash Crazy Miss Filangi's Avatar
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    I really enjoyed the parts I watched. And... I must say I'm glad they picked stupid girls. I don't know, it made me feel less guilty when I laughed at them.

    I just about died when Kato dialed the wrong number.

    Funniest. Moment. Ever.
    If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker.
    It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.


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    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
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    thanks cali!
    i was the other person in america who watched with you.

    i do have to say, i'm living with a marine (i'd say ex marine since he's no longer enlisted, but he'd say "once a marine, ALWAYS a marine!!!" and he just might spit it at me...) and he DID scoff when the one drill sargeant said if he weren't at attention he might have cried over coolio saying how much he respected them.

    according to sc (my bf), no marine would EVER cry over ANYTHING!

    he did say that the drill sarg's DO come onto the bus and IMMEDIATELY start screaming and spitting on you and that he thought they were a bit light on the QS's. making them sing and answer stupid questions... he said the DS's will do anything to humiliate you. that they have to immediately get you to stop thinking about "i" and "me".

    re: bingham... she SANG like a freaking bird!!! that ALONE should have gotten her kicked out IMO! they quit asking questions and she STILL kept giving information!! i hated her.

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    LG.
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    Fabulous recap Cali! Great job, and I thought Coolio had it in the bag too. Let's hope we see more Lamas in these cheesy celebrity-reality shows soon.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

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    Nice recap -- just two things I would add:

    1) David Faustino was the ONLY person who allowed himself to have his hair cut. It seemed pretty silly for these guys to be soldiers with most of them having long hair under their caps.

    and

    2) David Faustino made a comment that he felt not only didn't they have it any easier than real recruits, but since they were celebrities he thought they were getting even HARSHER treatment. Having gone through boot camp myself, I would say that the DI's were a little bit easier on this celebrity group than they would normally be... taking into consideration that boot camp in general is a little easier now than when I went through in the 80's.

    I was a little disappointed in the final competitions... they weren't really fair since a female was being held to the same physical standard as the male in these very physical challenges. Normally in boot camp, the females are compared against the other females. I was glad to see the one competition being judged based on how well they improved on THEIR OWN previous time.

    My last thought is -- I wonder how much money the LOSERS made... I mean, what would entice them to go through this?

  8. #8
    eny
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    Hi Tampa Dan ,
    Welcome to the board ! !
    I thought it was unfair to judge Tracey against Coolio as well. The money for the winner was 50,000. I have no idea what, if anything the losers got. From what I've heard of REAL boot camp they got off fairly easy, it's just when you are a pampered celeb (or psuedo- celeb in this case), it looks harsh.

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    As far as the "celebs" are concerned, I'm not really into commercial music. And I never watched Renegade or Knots Landing. So the only real celebs to me were "Greg Brady" and "Bud Bundy" --- I grew up with the Brady's, although I was more Bobby's age.. and LOVED Married with Children... If I were sleeping in that barracks I guess I'd be pretty giddy --- "OMG, I'm sleeping in the same room as greg and bud!" LOL

  10. #10
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Welcome Tampa Dan!
    Yeah, in my rough draft I made the comment about Bud being the only "stand up guy" and having his head shaved Faustino
    Another member of the board is dating a Marine who also made the statement that these guys had it easier than real recruits!
    I wouldn't have lasted a day
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

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