RECAP - Episode 1 - In Flave We Trust
William Jonathan Drayton, Jr. is back, ladies. And he's still looking for love. But this is da last chance, yo.
Our episode starts with a presidential style motorcade (the flags read "In Flave We Trust" - the eagle has a clock, and is wearing the viking helmet. Awesome - satire.) The "candidates" for Flave's affections are waiting for his arrival - at least they each got their own flag. The limo door is opened, and out steps Flave - sporting white sunglases with a flare or swoosh of some sort, and a dazzling, "diamond- rimmed" clock which bears a red-white-and- blue center that makes me want a Pepsi.
Cut to a confessional, where a Viking-helmet clad Flave starts with a misty-eyed walk down memory lane (or perhaps it would be better described as a sprint down the sketchy alley that runs behind the houses on a forgotten boulevard). Public Enemy, incarceration (three times), and his search for love are reviewed. And yes, they showed the spitting again.
(In 2003, Flav appeared in the third season of The Surreal Life on VH1, where he developed an on-screen relationship with 6' 1" Danish actress Brigitte Nielsen, who called Flav "Foofy Foofy". I will always be disappointed that I missed that whole saga. Thanks, Wikipedia.
Nicole "Hoopz" Alexander was chosen over Tiffany "New York" Pollard, in Flavor of Love 1. It didn't work out. The second season ended with Flav choosing Chandra "Deelishis" Davis over New York, leaving her as the runner-up once again. While we all know what NY has been up to, I didn't know Deelishis left Flave to sell blue jeans. )
Love is just like a baseball game, proclaims Flave. Bridget, strike one. Hoops, strike two. Deelishis, strike three. (This part of the narrative was ccompanied by various clips of each woman laughing at her grill...and our man Flave alone afterward.) If I get any more strikes I'm out, declares Flave. Blink, blink, blink. Then the "Oh." face.
Back to the new ladies. There's quite a mix going on here. Apparently there is at least one math whiz in the mix. "Flave wants ten kids. He has seven, I have three. We could have the urban Brady Bunch." We'll see her again later, but no names are being revealed now.
Flave lets out with the first Waaaaow and compares the ladies to those from season 1 & 2. "Some of the women look better, " (pan the crowd) "and some of them DON'T look better" (pan OTHERS in the crowd), VikingFlave narrates. He cracks himself up. I love that snickery little laugh he breaks out into.
"I ain't gonna do this again," declares Candidate Flave at a podium. "I meant every letter of each word I said," says VikingFlave. Do you think he's serious?
After listening to his speech about wanting someone who will respect him, his kids and his crib, the ladies are so full of respect that they run into the crib rather than running up to him, which seems to confuse him. You would think at least ONE would be smart enough to get in the first 1 on 1 chat.
There is much squealing, and an alarming assortment of short skirts that should not be worn for sprinting up stairs. It's a near riot. Everyone is trying to claim a good bed. They immediately jump up and down on the beds, ride a decorative elephant sculpture (no lie), and generally collide over and over with each other. Flave and his bodyguard listen to the screams emanating from the house and look at each other with obvious concern. "Here we go again" yells VFlave.
Big Ray lines up the girls for their naming ceremony. Flave has changed into a more casual outfit - striped buttoned shirt, light blue pants, and a different clock with a gold pair of shades. The girls still seem to be not wearing very much at all. He tells them they can choose their OWN names this season.
Sincere is first. Short red dress. One tat on her upper arm. Kinda pretty. She gets a Waaaow and a misspelled name.
Bunz shakes at him.
"Call me Vanilla" declares the next girl (a tall blonde hiding her hair under the hoody of a skimpy white dress). Scritch! Ice, declares Flave. So much for naming themselves.
Bad Girl is re-dubbed Bee Ex, Autumn Joy becomes Four Seasons, and Loca gets El. Or something.
"Some of those names didn't stay. Your man Flave had to do it his way," VikingFlave tells us.
Flave calls out the blonde weave on the next lady, and renames her from Vixen to Prancer.
The next lady declares herself Mrs. William Jonathan Drayton. She strokes a bunch of watches on each arm saying Tick Tock, Tick Tock and something about his clock that I can't catch even though I rewind my DVR over and over.
He implies she's crazy but goes on to say "Tik got da buns of a SOLAR ECLIPSE". As the train leaves the station we all get a long look at the caboose. Flave apparently loves trains, as he does an animated dance expressing his joy at the sight of that caboose.
The next lady flubs her clever line... stating she should be the Windy City because she's "a fresh of breath air." Hahaha. She then struts some sort of imaginary catwalk stating she'll blow the other (bleep - ho's?) away. He calls her Shy because "you ain't."
Next up (Viking: "TWIIIIINS!") Cut to a fantasy - or is it - of the three in a bubble bath. He waxes poetic about Cat In the Hat, and dubs them Thing 1 and Thing 2. They get TWO Waaaaaows. They laugh about the name out by the poolsite.
Q-Tee gets to keep the name she chose. So does St. Lewis. Flave must be a little tired.
HotLanta (she of 7 + 3 = 10 brilliance) gets a smile from Flave and he says if you end up being mine, your name is going to be MyLanta. Snicker snicker.
Gravy earns her name (and a cut to VikingFlave saying "THANK YOU GOD! Why are you SO good to me?") by declaring that she could put KFC out of business. He's beaming from ear to ear.
Next up is an internet winner. She wants Rain... he had a "Rain" last time. Or was it the time before? We flash back to her (I guess) screaming like crazy in a van. He settles on Rayna.
Dymz has a cute booty clad in tight white pants, and Flave gleefuly declares "TWO SPENDABLE DIMES" as she rocks her hips back and forth for his benefit.
"Boy am I feeling lucky," he says, until the next internet winner follows her underbite into the room. VikingFlave exclaims "Boy did she have an underbite like (bleep bleep bleep)!" and I wish I could read lips. Rewinds again fail me. Alas. I have no idea.
"What do the beach wash up against?" he asks her several times. She's at first just murmuring "Mmm hmmm" and other words to try to fake and cover up that she doesn't know what the heck he's talking about. It's a ploy to make her say Shore... which she can't really do. Kinda mean, there, Flave. Shore-ty she is.
When the next internet winner arrives, Flave looks pained. She is a big 'n beautiful and very white girl, who looks very excited about meeting Flave and doesn't seem to realize she has nothing in common with him at all. "Where are you from?" he asks, after an awkward silence. She's from the Valley. Didn't we know that? From the Internet? Flave asks. "Totally... I've just been Peachy all my life," she answers. What? No, really, what?
Next up is another plus size model / internet winner. He guesses it. Cut to VikingFlave, who plaintively says "I thought my fans LOVED me?? How could y'all DO THIS TO ME, Man?"
Last a leopard clad "lady" from Miami strolls in. Myammee causes Flave to nearly pass out with her departure, and he falls to the ground, but he recovers enough to say "twins! there's twins!" to Big Ray.
Mixer time. Shy jumps right up to be first, and later in confessional declares that she's just looking for her runner up in the crowd. As Flave tells us later, "Immediately, she got to your man's heart." She clawed her way through his chest, apparently.
Next is Ice, who reveals right away that she is a "radio personality"looking to move to the next level. Flave looks upset, wondering if she is just there for Fame. Whatchyo doing here, he asks. I don't know, she says, which almost causes her instant departure. She promises to be real and blah blah blah and recovers somewhat; we'll find out for sure later.
Dymz is bangin', but is studying Criminal Justice. Ooops. Cue the crickets chirping. Hmmm. As we see a reminder - three jail sentences served - VFlave says he isn't sure he wants Feds sleeping in his beds.
The twins surround Flave, giving him FM Stereo ("For Me Stereo"). Haha. They're a little too "say the same thing at the same time" for my liking, and seem awfully eager to have a threesome even though they both declare they've NEVER done one. Uh huh.
Hotlanta and El share one on one time. Hotlanta is cozying up to him, one leg draped across his willing knee, and El keeps interupting the conversation. He listens briefly each time, then turns his attention back to Hotlanta, again and again. Hotlanta is away from her 3 boys and tells Flave he needs a woman who can cook and clean and hold a house down for him. She can stick around for a minute, she's kinda hot, VFlave muses.
Bunz lists her various erotic interests, which takes a few minutes, and then Tik is the third wheel as there is some sort of "pass the lemon wedge" game going on between Bunz & Flave. Tik is scaring Flave a little with her apparent obsession.
Shy is already sizing up the competition and harassing Peechee, who found a tiara somewhere. Seriously. A tiara? Get real.
"Are you prepared to have ten kids?" Shy demands of Peechee. An argument breaks out and Bee Ex is taken aback that "This chick over here is gettin everybody pregnant before we even have anything to eat." Heh. She flings out an insult speculating about Shy's possible infertility, and pushes more than a few of Shy's buttons as she storms away. Oh, it's on, girls. Start working on your loogies.
Back poolside, Bee Ex and Rayna share Flave. Bee Ex is from HOME, she says. Flave is feeling both of the girls but then WOW, Rayna touches his face. Apparently this is a HUGE issue for Flave, the fun stops, the screen goes black and white, and things swirl. She tries to recover by declaring how long she's been his fan and that she knows all about the clock and what it means. He calls her bluff. What does the clock represent, he asks. She has a very long winded answer about civil rights heroes. Bee Ex snickers "that was a good stab". It's really about time, being precious, and we can't afford to waste it, Flave explains.
Sincere and Grayvee fight. Sincere has obviously never watched an episode because she denies his love for chicken. (I have seen Flave dig in with his bare hands and it ain't pretty.) It gets under Flave's skin more than a little to hear his passion denied.
The big girls enter the room and Peechee asks for a "little room" in a plaintive voice. Silence and Grayvee leave, and the BBW sit down with Flave. The three sit in awkard silence, squished in a love seat together and VFlave tells us later with mock horror, "I felt like a wedgie!" I had to leave the room to recover from that one.
Peechee talks about Flave looking at the girls with Romance in their eyes. Savanna tells Flave he needs someone to hold him down, and make him better. He looks afraid.
Prancer rescues Flave from the big girls. "One day I wanna get married again- one day-" he tells her. Seazins, (sorry I'm killing these mangled names) Q-Tee and Shore-Ty stroll in. Q-Tee starts touching his face, and the dizzy visual effects return. No, no, no!
Seezins asks Flave if he wants a woman with some brains, who doesn't need to do "all that" (as the others hang all over Flave) She later shares that her little brother is incarcerated and he encouraged her to come.
In the group scene someone ELSE touches Flave's face and he repeats his request that NO ONE touch his face. How hard is this, people?
Shy visits Flave's room to tell him that Bee Ex talked about not wanting kids. She rants and raves a bit and he's concerned.
Bee Ex gets invited to Flave's room, where she reveals that she has TWO kids already.
We get to enjoy a flashback of New York while Flave worries that he's got another fighter in the house.
It's clock time. Prancer feels good and that Flave should get rid of the ugly girls.
Flave has a third outfit for the clock ceremony - red satin, with a leopard cape. Pretty. Oh, and the red royal crown. How could I leave that out?
First clock to Grayvee. She's thrilled and does a vaguely tranny-esque "Now take THAT" in her confessional. Um, ok. Maybe she was just catching a cold.
Rayna is next, even though she messed with the face and flubbed the clock symbolism. Wow. She is pretty, that must be what she's riding on.
Bunz, Miami and Prancer are next, followed by St. Lewis.
Flave asks the ladies, "you know who's gonna be next?" and Hotlanta mouths "Me." He questions her, how does she know, and she beams, "I see it in your eyes." He challenges her to come forward, and she's right, it's her clock, which impresses Flave. She whispers in his ear "You're mine, you just don't know it yet." I like her. Team Hotlanta. The ESP moment gets a Waaaow, and VFlave says "She might be psychotic (sic) or something."
Ice and her big nose, um, long legs, are next to get a clock. She needs to stop trying to say things sooo "urban". Just my opinion, but it comes across as more than a little fake. Be yourself like you said you would, toots. "She is a tree that I would love to climb, but I'm gonna hit all of her bark going up and I'm gonna break all the branches on the way down," sez Flave. Wow.
Tik gets a clock (with no shoes on... uh... ) Sincere is next, to Bee Ex's dismay. El gets a clock. Seezins finally gets a clock and oohs and ahs over it.
Bee Ex gets her clock, and Shy is discouraged. Two clocks left, eight bodies, says Flave. Hello! Only five go home. Catch on, girls.
Shy gets her clock. She's a sh! starter, but she might really be here for me, proclaims VFlave.
After yet another annoying block of commercials, Thing 2 gets called. Thing 1 starts up, and realizes she wasn't the one he meant. Oh, the Bachelor flashbacks!! Thing 2 steps forwarad. He calls Thing 1 forward as well, and shows that he has an extra long cord on their clock. They can share it/him. (shudder!)
Dymz, Peechee, Shore-ty, QTee, and Savanna have to bounce. Sorry girls! He notes that four of them were from the internet. (Dymz apparently was kicked because of her career plans.)
Previews include bits of a romantical (sic) trip to Paris, bigger and better challenges, Arsenio Hall, and Flave with a really high hairdo. Horseracing, hot tubs, and the self proclaimed Pirate of Love. Plenty of estrogen fighting, a plane crash, Flave skydiving, Hotlanta in a wedding dress, and Flave in a Leopard lined coffin... I can't even wait.