Each week, our writers nominate and describe their favorite moments of the week in reality television.
10. Hey little girl, want a piece of candy?
Welcome to the Southeast, and a whole new collection of "Hotties" for our 3 judges to make snide comments about. The big difference? Southern accents and attitude. Forget all about "Butter," the ugliest "hot" hairstylist I've seen in a long time. Let's skip right to Valerie. Yeah, she was mildly hot. But I'm not quite sure she earned the repect of anyone when Lorenzo remarked "I've got a burrito cooking in my pants, and it's just about ready." Score a new low for an already limbo-king ABC show. As Simon, the REAL critic, would say: that was possibly the worst come-on in the world!
9. Tips for Surviving JoAnna
How big a witch can a true Christian be? Ah, do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. I know I heard that somewhere in connection with Christianity. We, as loyal viewers of Survivor now know just how JoAnna would like to be treated. If you are unfortunate enough to ever meet her in person, be sure to get in her face and let her know how much you disapprove of her. Be sure to put your palm inches from her face to let her know you’re done listening. I know it sounds odd, but that IS how she wants to be treated. I am sure of it. If for some reason you don’t feel comfortable with that, and would rather she just left you alone, let her know your name is Idol. She will stay as far away from you as possible, because even though you are NOT an idol, if it is your name, you must be trying to replace God, and therefore should be avoided.
8. Mother, no wait, Father, May I?
It was a moment that had sisters, daughters, and mothers all in tears. Ryan one of the final two bachelors on this seasons The Bachelorette asked Trista's father for her hand in marriage.
For all who have wondered what actually takes place in one of those meetings, this was a peek. Both men were visibly nervous, Ryan the most. And while it appeared Mr. Rehn was going to have to remind Ryan about personal space for a moment, Ryan finally got his question asked. Mr. Rehn was very touched and gave his blessing.
No candles, romantic music, or long looks and they didn't really hug or cry but it was very touching and definitely a top ten moment for this season and probably for Ryan and Trista's life to come.
7. Shari Lewis would be so proud
Ahh, Sarah… You really tried to come off as classy didn’t you? You don’t like “Grapey” wine, you’re insulted at the mere idea that Evan would confuse your dinner for Ravioli, and you certainly only kissed him while in the woods… Right? RIGHT??? Honey, the cameras didn’t stop rolling while you were packing to go. The microphones weren’t turned off. All of America was SHOCKED… no, not really, I can’t back that up, at the “kissing of the sock” code that you used while describing your date with Evan. The internet watchers speculated for weeks as to what went on. Some misguided people even defended your honor. I would like to thank you for setting the record straight. Yes America, Sarah DID kiss Evans sock.
6. This week, on a very special Surreal Life
The Surreal life aired it’s final episode this week. Well, final episode for this group anyway. As promised we were treated to Cory’s wedding to Suzi. Will this Top Ten moment include Corey crying? It could but it won’t. Will it include a nod to vows Corey wrote? It could, but it won’t. Will it even mention that fact that Corey thought he looked like Louis XIV, when in actuality he looked like the rat turned Chauffeur from Cinderella? It could but it won’t. This Top Ten moment is all about the end. Everyone left the house one at a time. Vince leaves last and we get to see him drive off on his motorcycle as the sunsets. Then for those who cared to stick around we were treated to our Quasi Celebrities dancing around a fountain in a cheesy send up to the friends opening credits, complete with Vince spitting out water and Corey flexing his muscles like… gee, I think it’s Rachel. Cheesy? Yes, yet I smile as I sit here thinking about it. These seven are gone, and I can’t wait to see who they find next.
5. Sorry, Charlie!
Charlie, looks like you'll need to find a different mermaid!
In a reality moment truly worthy of being defined as shocking or a twist, Trista, The Bachelorette, turned Charlie away at the alter as fans across the country gasped in disbelief. We stared at the screen, confused as to why ABC was allowing the "winner" to be first as we saw Charlie ascend from the limo. Then our jaws hit the floor when we heard Trista utter the dreaded "unfortunately" in her speech to financial analyst from Hermosa Beach, and realized that Ryan was her choice for a husband.
A clearly stunned Charlie hopped in the limo looking like he had just lost the business deal of the century. Sorry Charlie, Starkist don't want tunas with good taste, they want tuna that tastes good!
4. Girls just wanna have fun
After watching the Jaburu tribe constantly fall this week on Survivor... No shelter, No Clean Undies, and most of all No Food, there were a couple arguments... followed by "unfair" playing of the game. One of the tribe members snuck a granola bar into camp and it just happened to fall out of the backpack and into their supplies container, and of course it was found by one of the tribe members who decided she wouldn't stand for this. All of the blame was pointed at Janet, and as a tribe, they decided to burn the snack and wrapper. Soon after, Janet was voted back to civilization.
3. Bartender, I'll have a Millionaire, with a Twist
All week we listened to Paul the butler on the adverts for Joe Millionaires finale. We would be shocked! Surprised! Flabbergasted! Taken aback! Stunned! Astounded! By the unbelievable twist that was in store for us at the end of the program. He assured us that we would never guess the astonishing ending. I reference you now to: The Rumor Thread, but be forewarned, there are over 400 posts in there… many of which contain the words “I bet they will get a million dollars at the end”. Yes, Paul, we guessed it. We guessed it WEEKS before you started mentioning the twist. In fact I would wager FOX got the idea from the fine people at www.fansofrealitytv.com to begin with.
2. When Fox says "the worst", they've got plenty of material
Watching the best of the worst of American Idol was almost sinful in its hilarity. We were treated to some scenes that were so bad they had to be shown twice… anyone recall Keith's “Like a Virgin”? Some moments we hadn’t seen, like Simon informing a “very well-endowed” young woman that “they” had to leave. Luckily Randy caught the slip and let us all know we did hear what we thought we heard. Ahhh, then there was Edgar, we caught up with Edgar, who was told by the judges they wouldn’t see him in LA. They have been wrong before. We did get a chance to see Edgar Los Angeles. He combed his hair forward and showed up to WOW the judges into silence once again with another awful rendition of a quickly forgettable song. Once again he was rejected, as sometimes the judges do get it right.
And now, our number one moment of the week...
1. You mean we're here so you can laugh at us?
Oh what a guilty pleasure to watch I’m a Celebrity this week. Miss Rivers have you been living under a rock these past 6 years? Have you never seen an episode of reality TV? How could you possibly be surprised that you were there to be humiliated? The public has always twisted their necks in hopes of seeing just the smallest amount of humiliation in our otherwise “perfect” celebrities. Some people live just for that one moment. The moment when we get to see someone who is a celebrity only because her mom has a big ass mouth, put on plastic clown pants and pour rats, worms, and larvae into them. All that for what? A bunch of carrots?? A couple potatoes?? I think that I may have to watch again, if only to see Robin Leech shirtless once again…. MY EYES MY EYES… Bleach them please.