Oh I know you’re sad to see it end. I know it breaks your heart that it’s over. Well, you know what I think? Thank god! Finally! It’s about damn time!
Is it a drama moment? Is it a meltdown? To begin the final show, drama queen Corey decides to grab the last little bit of camera time he can by calling a house meeting. When the group has finally convened in the living room and their complaining about being beckoned has ceased, Corey dramatically enters and says he needs to tell the group how he really feels. He puts one hand on his hip and the other hand to his lips. His eyes well with tears and he says, “I’m sorry. I’m sensitive. Tito, hand me a tissue.”
Okay, so he didn’t, but he might as well have. He DID call a meeting. He DID say he was sensitive. He DID cry. But the meeting was just to say, “Why can’t we all just get along?” In the midst of one of his dramatic pauses, Brande breaks in with, “Do you want us to help you pack?” The group erupts in laughter! It’s about time someone told Corey that it was time for him to go, and just to speed the process up a bit, the other six guests will shove your crap in a bag and toss it out front. Now that’s friendship!
In confessional, Vince says what I’m thinking, “I just thought it was annoying. You know what, dude? I don’t care.” Yes! No one cares, Corey.
The next day Corey retrieves the paper. Good dog. The headline blasts, “House Braces for Feldman Wedding: Surreal Life Ends. Real Life Begins.” The paper states that there will be over 100 wedding guests to watch Corey and Suzy say their I do’s. It also wishes Corey the best in love, life and crazy sex. Oh what a beautiful sentiment.
From the moment the group wakes up, the house is bustling with caterers, florists, and Corey’s obnoxious friends. “Dude”, “Yo”, and “Sup” fill the hallways.
Corey is in the bathroom with his wedding outfit designer. According to the designer, Corey is wearing a “Vintage Louis XIV suit.” According to Vince, Corey is dressed like a cobbler.
As the guests begin arriving, Jerri remembers she has been asked by Corey to be the videographer. Well, I’m hoping for Corey’s and Suzy’s sake that Jerri isn’t the only videographer, because she kind of blows off capturing the wedding guests on film in order to apply more lipstick.
Corey looks out the window as the Playboy limo pulls into the driveway. As a few playmates and Hef step out of the car, Corey says, “Hefner’s here. How funny.” How funny? How FUNNY?! I distinctly remember you hassling poor Brande until she called Hef and personally invited him to your lame wedding! Face it, Corey, the only “funny” thing about this wedding is your outfit.
Before the wedding, the men of the house gather. Hammer, Manny Mo and Vince all offer words of encouragement, good will and advice to Corey on his impending divorce…er… wedding. Hammer says how beautiful it will be. Manny Mo talks about new beginnings. Vince says, “The number one thing in a marriage is trust.” Oh yes, Vince. Words to live by. And strangely amusing in a cool kind of way coming from a three time loser at marriage who’s in the midst of another divorce. I trust that you know what the number one thing in marriage is, but it’s more of a “do as I say, not as I do” kind of rule, right? Man, I love ya anyway! You ROCK!
Corey ends this good will session by telling the guys thank you for being so loyal to him. Oh MAN I would love to have seen Corey’s face as he watched this show as it aired for the first time. Unless he’s totally delusional (as he may very well be) he has got to be humiliated! This group loyal to him? Bah!
The wedding is about to begin, so all guests are finding their seats. The most surreal part of this entire show happened in this moment. Vince, Manny Mo and Brande’s pup walk down the center aisle and Vince is holding Manny’s hand. He’s HOLDING his HAND! And though I’ve tried with all my might to figure out why Vince would be holding Manny’s hand, nothing… and I mean NOTHING comes to mind. Temporary blindness? No. Can’t be. Seriously, it was so disturbing that I kept waiting for flying monkeys or scary clowns to appear. If you guys can figure this one out for me, that would be great. Email me. I really would like to know.
So, this minister and this rabbi walk into a bar. No wait. That comes later. For now, Suzy is led to Corey who is standing in front of Brother Hammer and that freaky Norman Bates looking rabbi that I told you about last week. As she walks down the aisle, as expected, Corey cries. Man, you are SUCH a WUSS! The couple decides to recite vows that they’ve written themselves. Corey suddenly channels Ryan from The Bachelorette as he states the lamest poem ever as his vows.
You’re so pretty in that dress.
The only girl that would say yes
To marry such an ass as I
Without even being high.
I love me and you love me, too.
So won’t you please just say “I do.”
Seriously, it was lame.
Suzy’s vows were pretty sweet, though. Totally misguided and deluded, but sweet.
After the vows, rabbi asks Suzy, “Do you take Corey?”
Me: “ARE YOU SURE?!! Really, take a moment.”
Rabbi, “Do you take Suzy?”
Brande’s dog, “BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!”
Suzy, seriously, this dog is giving you a chance to make a break for it. It’s do or die time!
Rabbi again, “Do you take Suzy?”
Corey, “You betcha!”
Oh god, Suz, you had your chance. Now you’re stuck with him, his whining about his childhood actor days, reruns of “Lost Boys”, “Meatballs 7” and his crying. You know, I’m thinking now might be a good time to buy stock in Kleenex. I predict a lot of tears being shed in the Feldman household.
At the wedding’s conclusion, Corey tells the camera “this is the first time since I’ve been here that I felt like everyone was on MY side.” Delusional. Just truly pathetic.
The gang strikes up the band and steps on the stage for a reprisal of Vince’s award winning talent show song, “The Surreal Life Blues.” Now Corey, grab your bags that the gang packed for you and threw outside and GO AWAY! Quick goodbyes to Corey, yada yada and now it’s time for the remaining not-nearly-as-annoying-as-Corey to have their last supper. The gang meets in the kitchen where a lovely table has been set for them. They genuinely seem to enjoy this last meal together. And they all seemed very relieved that Corey won’t be breaking in with some new self inflicted tragedy.
The next day, Gaby wakes up early, gives everyone a quick goodbye and leaves. One by one the gang leaves to tears and promises of calls and visits. Vince leaves last, tells the fish so long and rides off into the sunset on his hog saying, “You know, we came into as nothing, but we left as friends.”
Cheesy ending by WB. It’s a spoof of the Friends intro with a surreal life song and the gang acting as the friends crew. Though I did enjoy seeing Vince sitting in the fountain spitting water out of his mouth a la Chandler style.
Tune in next week for… oh wait! That’s IT! We’re finally free! Now really, go find something better to watch.
For comments or questions, please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.