Each week, our writers nominate and describe their favorite moments of the week in reality television.
10. You can teach a woman to fish...
After watching the ladies struggle and struggle to start a fire this week on Survivor, which I might add took 6 hours to accomplish, they were faced with their next problem... food.
The Ladies of Jabaru went fishing, and actually caught a whopping two-inch long fish. They cooked their fish over their dirty underwear-infested bowl, and each got a few bites of it. They each ate a bite of this slimy mixture and Shawna's remark was: "This tastes like vomit... or maybe snot! Thumbs up, either way!" Atta girl, you get a 10 for spirit.
9. How not to impress a date's parents, Lesson 1
I’ve got a great idea; lets find some blondes and tell them some blonde jokes! On this week’s episode of Meet My Folks, the comic genius of our three suitors was put to the test. Thinking they would be going for a nice relaxing night at a comedy club (have they never watched the show before?), Eric, Eric and Brook were hauled on stage to perform for the audience. Thank god it was a comedy club! Knowing that the talent may be lacking, the producers saw fit to have a “Hat O’ Jokes” handy for the guys to pull from. Thinking they were safe from having to actually be funny on their own, the guys pulled from the hat, only to tell “blonde” jokes… to the blonde Mom and blonde would-be date. They didn’t include my favorite though… “Two blondes walk into a building… You’d have thought one of them would have seen it” BaDumDum! Why these guys didn’t change the word blonde to brunette is beyond me.
8. You guys sucked, buy weren't those women hot?
Over the course of 66 episodes of Survivor, we've seen host Jeff Probst transform from a geeky, insecure "Rock and Roll Jeopardy" host in way over his head, to a self-assured, cocky, hilariously comfortable Survivor host. Our little Jeffrey has finally growed up. This week, we saw him make fun of the guys' pathetic loss to the women - after the guys were supremely cocky the entire episode. After feeding them some crow, he then asked them about the ladies. We found out that Shawna is pretty much the unanimous choice for Tribe Hottie, and Dave imparts the nugget "the quarterback doesn't screw the cheerleader at halftime." I'm guessing RocketScientistDave was never a quarterback, but I have a feeling he might have been the spurned cheerleader.
7. Honey, I've met Divas, and you are NO Diva
Shouldn't you actually have to be famous before acting like a Diva? Kimberly embarrassed wanna-be-Divas all over North America this week on American Idol. She refused to take any type of criticism from the Judges (Simon) and decided she was worthy of a hissy fit. After Simon informed her that her voice was nice but she needed to work on her personality (and with a little prompting from Paula and Randy), she rated his personality a ZERO then went to give him "five" and while slapping hands informed him that he "sucked". Simon handled it all with a grain of salt, and a smile. Way to go Simon. Kimberly when you have an entourage of 20 (including a nutritionalist and a masseuse) you can act like a Prima Donna, until then shut your pie hole and take the advice given.
6. Real-titty TV
On Monday night the romantic fools at Fear Factor decided a couples edition was in order to mark Valentine's week.
Although looking more athletic, neither of the dating couples made it through the first challenge.
Despite seeing the eliminated dating couples fail and bicker, despite seeing Joe lift the lid on a beautiful heart-shaped box to reveal hundreds of cockroaches, despite seeing the couples transfer the cockroaches, husband to wife, using only their mouths, the most shocking site of the night was seeing two females make it to the final challenge of a Fear Factor show sporting natural born breasts.
5. The Animal House (I thought I was watching Bachlorette?)
Recap episodes are usually boring. The Bachelor/ette series was always different in that all the losers gather together ,and dish on why they didn't want to win anyway. This reunion showed us what fun reality tv can be. Our buddy Jack the firefighter/teacher-coach, gave out some serious entertainment at a bachelor house kegger. While totally blitzed he stumbled trying to find the bathroom. He ended up peeing on his bed to the merriment of all.
Something tells me this guy is going to be a bachelor forever. He looked so good on paper too. The other party animal, the usually reserved sweet Jaime, was shown dumping a whole bag of dog food on his own head. What is it with guys, a house and unlimited booze anyway?
4. Premature Congratulations
We were finally to get to see who Evan "Joe Millionaire" Marriott chose as his last lady standing. Uncork the champagne, it's party time.
Women crying when they were eliminated - seen that. Heidi saying "whatever" when she got the boot - seen that. Melissa saying she was a mercenary when she meant to say missionary - seen that. Ooohing, aaahing and slurping in the woods, Melissa, "The Mojo" and Sarah crashing Zora's hot tub date, Evan tossing and turning as he contemplates his situation - uh, seen that, seen that seen that.
The revealing of Evan's chosen lady as promised? - Didn't get to see that.
This episode used more filler than a sausage factory. Fox has managed to exploit every millisecond of sexualty this show had to offer. It was somehow fitting that this week's show should have been so anti-climactic.
3. A Human Sized Oreo
Viewers who like Ryan Seacrest smiled, viewers who don't like Ryan laughed out loud. One of the best voices to come along in a looooong while belongs to Ruben Studdard, a finalist on American Idol 2. His voice matches his body: big and full. How fun to watch him huggin’ Ryan when he was told he would advance. It was even more fun to see his brother leap from the couch and proceed to make Ryan the center of the Oreo, and in the process, busting his lip. The only sad part to the evening was Paula's display of immaturity as she "unplugged" the monitor from which a New York Simon was being broadcast.
2. Frederique Van Der Wal IS the Mole!
This week on Celebrity Mole Hawaii the Mole was revealed. The viewing audience was stunned as Frederique was dubbed "The Best Mole in Mole History". Ahmad showed us how she sabotaged each challenge and led the others to believe she was anything but the Mole.
Frederique is one smooth operator. She slyly sat back and watched as celebrities pointed fingers at each other, and agreed with them as they revealed who they thought was the Mole. Frederique did just enough to stay under the Mole radar on each challenge except for "Looky Looky Hot Pepper". She lost a chunk of money over a silly tomato pepper. That was the only Mole-like activity that drew serious suspicion and even that was dismissed by the other players.
Frederique did many subtle Mole activities that went undetected or were quickly disregarded. She blended into the Mole scene perfectly. Week after week we watched as celebrities were executed leaving Kathy, Eric and Frederique to untangle the Mole mystery. Kathy won the cash and Frederique surprised us all with her Mole status.
And now, our number one moment of a great-moment-filled week:
1. Are You Hot? Or just hungry?
I was all ready to be indignant over ABC's latest travesty of a reality show, "Are You Hot?" It features a non-stop silicone and beefcake parade, 3 relatively unknown judges all trying to be the next Simon, and absolutely no redeeming qualities except to laugh at the stupidity of the insanely gorgeous. But then, out of the blue...Lorenzo and Randolph (doesn't that sound like the beginning of a Shakespeare play?) actually started telling women they were too skinny! Lorenzo lamented the space between women's thighs, noting that if they didn't touch at some point, they were too skinny. Randolph told one exceedingly skinny girl, Chi Chi, to "get herself to McDonald's and buy a few greasy burgers." Sometimes you find morality and good advice in the place you least expect it. I never would have thought that place would be the same place that Lorenzo uses a laser pointer to shine on women's nether regions.