Oh, put me in, Coach ~ I'm ready to play today!
Put me in, Coach ~ I'm ready to play today;
Look at me, I can be Centerfield.
Oh for those of you that know me, you realize how difficult it was for me to put those Fogerty lyrics up, but I have to say, I am beginning to have the same reaction to The Surreal Life as I am to Fogerty: They both suck ass.
I remember how excited I was when I heard about The Surreal Life. I mean, how couldn’t you be?! For god’s sake, we were going to get to watch 6 pseudo celebs and Vince Neil hang out together! It was going to be like Big Brother, but better! Well, my excitement has now waned significantly. I can truly say that I can’t wait for this crapfest to end. And I believe it to be all Corey Feldman’s fault. Listening to him is the equivalent of someone forcing me to listen to CCR. It makes my ears bleed. Anyway, now that I’ve got that off of my chest, I’ll go ahead and give you the recap!
The birds are singing. The sun is shining. Corey is hacking up a lung, but I’m pretty sure it’s just to steal camera time from the birds and the sun. The morning tabloid comes and Vince, who oddly always seems to be up first, goes to gather the gang together to read it. I see him wake Hammer and Manny Mo, and I see him going to talk to the girls, but I don’t see him going anywhere near Corey. I wouldn’t either with that tuberculosis act that’s going on in his room. Corey, give it up. There’s no Emmy in it for you.
Today’s tabloid headline: “Hammer vs. Brande: Whose Got Game? Hammer Claims Biggest Bat.” It’s The Surreal Life World Series. Guys versus girls. Hammer will be calling in his friends and Brande will be calling in hers. Lucky for the guys, Brande’s friends are all playmates. Figuring that Lia is a playmate, Vince gives his wife a call to join Brande’s team.
The housemates are practicing and hanging out and just generally having a good time while Corey answers the front door. It’s Suzy. Time to talk weddings. They meet with Rabbi Brian who will officiate the wedding. He has a whole Norman Bates thing about him. He’s one of those guys that really isn’t cool and could never be cool, but tries to act as if he is. To me, the rabbi is almost as annoying as Corey. God, please get him off of my TV as soon as possible. In fact, my distaste of the rabbi is further validated when even Corey says the guy is a little off. Wow.
Time to play ball! I’m not going to give you a play by play of the game, as it really wasn’t that exciting, but picture yourself at a little league softball game. Imagine a whiny, wimpy, throws-like-a-girl-and-is-scared-of-the-ball pitcher. Yeah, now you’re getting it. That was pretty much how it was with Corey on the pitcher’s mound. He suu-uucked. Hard.
Brande had an ace up her sleeve. See, she plays in a softball league with the other bunnies. On the mound for her is an 80-mile-per-hour-underhand-heat-throwing-make-Corey-cry pitcher. Yeah, she’s good! Hammer and Brande work out a deal after she throws her first blurryingly fast pitch (to Manny which makes him walk off the plate and put himself back on the bench) that she can only throw heat every third batter. Done.
The group is actually pretty good for a bunch of amateurs. Vince used to play ball in high school, but was kicked off the team because he wouldn’t cut his hair! (Yeah Vince! What a rebel!) Manny’s strike zone is so tiny that Nolan Ryan couldn’t pitch it. He gets a free walk every time he’s up to bat. Jerri is good at first base. She can throw. She can catch. Gaby is like any good mom. She’s obviously practiced with her kids enough to make her a decent player. Brande is in a league. Hammer can play like a minor leaguer. Corey. He just couldn’t suck worse if he tried. Hammer pulls him from pitcher in the 4th inning. Corey says, “I’ve pitched four innings. My body is worn out. My arm is tired.” Yeah Corey, we know, you aren’t a major league pitcher, but you play one on TV. Better go put that arm on ice, buddy, before your next big game.
The game ends with Hammer slamming it outta the park and tying the game at 16. Corey separates himself as the rest of the teams do the “good game” bit. Manny is grinning from ear to ear. He tells us that this is what the game is all about. Sportsmanship with all the playmates! He hugged each and every one of them. It was a solid breastfest for Manny. He is a chick magnet.
In the van on the way back, Corey says in his best pro athlete voice, “That was the first time I ever pitched a game.” He’s nodding and reveling in his glory when Jerri chimes in, “We never would have guessed that.” The rest of the gang laughs. Corey tells the camera that he is too mature to engage in this type of negativity. Get over yourself, moron! You suck at everything you do! Accept it before it destroys you, you big whiner!
The gang gets back to the house where Lia has made dinner for the group. Chicken Alfredo or marinara or something. Regardless, it has meat in it, so none for Corey. Everyone grabs a seat at the table and welcomes Lia to the group. Except Corey who is nowhere in the room. Mid meal he enters the room and says, “Wow, it smells great!” I am waiting for someone to say, “Back it up vegetarian boy. None for you!” He grabs a piece of bread and mutters under his breath, “Jerri has been negative to me three times today!” What? Are you keeping a roster or something? Jerri hears him and, in her very Jerri way, doesn’t let it go. She says, “What did you say to me?! I’ll show you how I got my “bitch” rep if you want.” The housemates all point and laugh at Corey as he slinks out of the room with tears in his eyes and his tail between his legs. Loser. Later, Jerri with a mischievous glint in her eye, says in confessional, “Corey has a wedding coming up. He’d like it to go smoothly. I’d like to make waves.”
The next day Corey obviously has spent a tremendous amount of time annoying Brande until she finally caves to his wishes. She enters the phone booth with Corey coyly following her and calls the Playboy Mansion. She gets Hef on the phone and says, “Hey, Corey is getting married on the show.” You hear Hef in the background, “You’ve GOT to be kidding!?” Many minutes later after Brande’s and Hef’s laughter has died down, she wipes a tear from her eye and says, “Yeah, and he wants me to invite you and the girls to the wedding.” More laughter. I don’t know what Brande promised him, but he agreed. He would be there, poolside, in his panties. (Yeah, I know. Hef said he’d be in his panties. I’m a bit concerned about this, so I’ll refrain from further comment.)
Later that evening, the celebs put on their swim gear and hit the pool. Except for Corey. Of course. He has managed to alienate himself. Again. Corey is meeting with Suzy again to talk wedding while the rest of the group manages to further their friendships. As Corey and Suzy talk, you can hear laughter from the group out in back. This hurts Corey’s heart. Poor poor Corey. Blah blah blah.
In confessional, Corey says that being a celebrity and trying to plan a wedding is horrific! Things are crazy. For god’s sake, he’s a CELEBRITY!!! Well, I’ve got news for you, idiot. Planning a wedding is unnerving. It’s hard. It’s stressful. The fact that you’re a celebrity has NOTHING to do with it! The fact that you are a moron that decided you HAD to get married on TV in front of a national audience and only left yourself NINE days to plan it and perform it… well, that’s your fault. He questions Suzy about whether she wants to call the whole thing off. She is obviously tired and worn out by the whole ordeal. I actually felt sorry for her. Well, I felt sorry for her in between my yelling at the TV to RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! !!!!! She obviously doesn’t listen as she lays down in his lap for comfort.
In the pool, the gang has been talking Corey. Gaby says that the wedding is a cover for Corey so he doesn’t have to be part of the group. He’s worked terribly hard to make this show about him and he’s successfully managed to turn off the whole group to him. He lives in trauma. Vince kinda laughs and says, “You can’t plan a wedding in such a short time. It won’t be sincere. Ask me. I’m a three time loser.” Ah, Vince. I love ya, man!
Alone in his bedroom, after sending Suzy off so he could regain his solo performance for the cameras, Corey says that he feels alienated from the group experience. NO! Really?! I can’t imagine why! Moron. In the other room, Hammer says it’s time for Corey to stand up and let us see what he’s made of. Well, Hammer, I’m pretty sure it’s a WHOLE lotta whine and a truckload of cheese.
Tune in next week for “A Dumbass Says What?” Otherwise known as “Spotlight on Corey and Suzy’s Breasts: The Wedding.”
For questions or comments, you can e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.