IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS THE REAL WORLD, AND IT WAS GOOD.
Arguably the grandpappy of reality television as we know it today, the original season of The Real World lived up to its promise: “the true story of seven strangers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL.”
They got real, all right. There were flirtations, in-your-face arguments, racial epithets, drunken binges, and solid friendships borne – and it was all apparently genuine, and totally rad.
The Real World lived on, and somewhere along the way it begat Road Rules. It didn't take long before they came together and incestuously conceived The Real World/Road Rules Challenge... and the beginning of the phenomenon we like to call Reality TV Famewhoring.
Loosely defined, a Reality TV Famewhores (RTVF) is a person who has somehow found their way onto the cast of one reality show, only to find that when it's all over they want MORE. They may want another shot at the big win... or they may have found that their old jobs were no longer available to them after they made a huge ass out of themselves on national television. But a more likely scenario is that they developed a jones for having the spotlight shine upon them, no matter how dim that light actually shines.
For your chewing pleasure, we have compiled a list of some of the most notorious culprits of this practice, in no particular order. To help you through this journey, we have applied a Famewhore Factor using cold hard scientific percentages, calculated by taking the value of the original reality show, multiplying it by total number of reality shows involved, and then dividing it by the product of the chemistry displayed at the end of the day and twelve, or in other words:
ff = rtvf(x) / (hawt)+(12y)
Shall we begin?
Reality show appearances: The Apprentice, The Surreal Life, Fear Factor: Reality Stars, Battle of the Network Reality Stars
Taking a knock on the head from a miniature piece of falling plaster and blowing it out of proportion; hearing the phrase “the pot calling the kettle black” and blowing it out proportion; taking her perceived appeal to mass audiences and blowing it out of proportion.
Famewhore Factor: 99.9%
(editors note: Somehow Omarosa's score kept coming up as 66.6%, although her Famewhore Factor is clearly higher than that. To resolve, we applied the Holy Trinity (33.3) to her final score.)
Reality show appearances: Survivor: Borneo, Survivor: All Stars, Kill Reality
After declining an appearance in Playboy after her first round of Survivor, Jenna shook things up just in time for the air date of the Survivor: All Stars finale. In a short period of time she married a guy she had been dating for a few weeks, filmed a raunchy sex tape of their honeymoon, impied that it had been stolen, and managed to sell it for $49.99 per. It was ultimately discovered that she had been the driving force behind the release and sale of the video, but by then she was divorced and shooting “Kill Reality” with a number of fellow famewhores.
Famewhore Factor: 94.3%
Reality show appearances: Love Cruise, Paradise Hotel, Kill Reality
'Roid rages and bugged-out eyes. Also known for melodramatic crying fits and shouting out challenges of “Yahtzee! Game on!”. Recently distributed a press release that detailed the abuses she has endured from “hostile show fans that call her obscene names and instigate physical confrontations.” True to Toni form, the press release went on to mention that she is shopping around another reality show, titled “I'm Really An Actress!”
Famewhore Factor: 99%
Reality show appearances: America's Next Top Model, Surreal Life, My Fair Brady
An anomaly to this list, Adrienne actually won the title on America's Next Top Model. While appearing on The Surreal Life, she fell for fellow castmate and former Brady, Christopher Knight. Currently starring in the show “My Fair Brady”, Adrienne continues to burp, fart and use overt sexuality to get her way. She looks like she might win this one, too.
Famewhore Factor: 82.7%
Reality show appearances and Specials: The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Dancing With the Stars, Trista and Ryan's Wedding, Trista and Ryan's Honeymoon Hotspots and Fear Factor: Reality Stars
After not getting her man on the Bachelor, Trista managed to get the starring role in the first ever series of The Bachelorette...where she got her man. And then she took that man, and turned their wedding into a Pepto Bismol nightmare of excess and corporate sponsorship, and continues to pimp out their relationship on a regular basis to In Touch Weekly and US Magazine. Remarkably, they are still buying the hype. Trista took a brief departure from her pink paradise to try a different flavor of reality, but ended up being the first “star” to get the boot on Dancing With the Stars.
Famewhore Factor: 123%
Reality TV Appearances: The Real World: Las Vegas, Real World/Road Rules Challenge (2 seasons), The Surreal Life, Kill Reality, Battle of the Network Reality Stars, Hangin' with William Hing, Reality TV Secrets: How to Get On the Show!
Frankly, we think Trishelle, also known as Trashelle, should be in the top five, but when we ran her numbers, the laboratory exploded.
Reality TV Appearances: The Bachelorette (as fat Bob), The Bachelor (as skinny Bob), Kill Reality, Battle of the Network Reality Stars
Again, Bachelor Bob should be in the top five, but we really didn't feel like making a commitment.
Reality TV Appearances: Popstars: USA (as fresh-faced, farmed-scrubbed blonde), American Idol (as a flame-haired wannabe punk vixen), Kill Reality, Fear Factor: Reality Stars, and Battle of the Network Reality Stars
Nikki has been prolific in her Famewhoring, however we still think she's boring.