To all of you clicking in to read one of Sher’s wonderful recaps I apologize in advance. I am the substitute recapper and have taken over Surreal Life duties for this week while Sher enjoys a rare few days off. Hurry back Sher… This is more of a recrap than a recap.
We start the festivities with a few minutes of last weeks Vegas trip. We get to see Vince being brought up to the pulpit and prayed for. You’re better off reading the recap by Sher, found HERE. That should get you up to speed, and entertain you a tad more than the episode itself.
This week we get to watch the houseguests wake up while self-described “not-going-to-be-a-mom” Gabby makes coffee. In the kitchen. Awake earlier than everyone else. Like a mom.
Soon Brande decides it’s time to walk her dog I am pretty sure this is the first time we’ve seen this. I assume she actually has done it though. So out go Brande and Jerri, fully made up, no they didn’t fight, I mean they had taken the time to put on their make up… something everyone in my neighborhood does before taking the dog out to crap.
Brande is whining about not being able to find a date. Ever. Sorry, I just have a hard time sympathizing, much less getting to the point of empathy that Jerri seems to have found. Out of nowhere appears Scott. He’s unloading grocery bags from the trunk of his car. Brande thinks he’s hot so she strikes up a conversation.
“Hi, are you married?”
“Are you straight?”
pause….”Um…yeah” Way to commit there bud
“What’s your name?”
“We live in the gated house, come see us if you want”
Ahhh, now we understand why she can’t get a date. The only questions missing from this inquisition are “How much do you make?” and “Have you had an AIDS test recently?”
Not to good at striking up a conversation are we Brande?
Well, we are into the show about 5 minutes so obviously it is time for Corey to call Suzi. The first words out of our romantic’s mouth are… “Ummm… we’re getting a pre-nup right?”
At first Suzi doesn’t know who it is, but as soon as she does, and puts that together with the fact that she has over a grand in checking, she quickly answers in the affirmative.
Meanwhile, Hammer has heard about Scott and has some words of wisdom for Brande, any guy who would have gone out with her after she approached him would not be in it for the long haul, he’d only be after one thing.
What would that be Hammer? A strong woman? Someone not afraid to go for what she wants? A woman that he was too afraid to approach in the first place? Come on man!
He finished his little speech, grabbed his club, retreated to the rear of the cave and worked on some buffalo paintings.
The paper has arrived:
Playmate Bachelorette: Where Is He?
Well, I like the editors, but the rag writers need some help.
Each houseguest must find a potential date for Brande. They will each have a turn in trying to “sell” their pick to her and whichever houseguests brought the one she eventually picks gets the master bedroom. Gee, could I have explained that any worse?
Guest pick man. Brande pick your man. You get big bed. There, that was better.
They get into the Surreal Life van and head off to downtown LA. They are all on their cell phones trying to get Brande a date… all but Corey. He is on the phone, but I have to go by the assumption that he’s talking with A) Suzi or B) his lawyer, getting that all important pre-nup ready.
Gab and Jerri head to the gym to find a guy. Manny and Hammer head (funny side note… my grammar check wants to change Hammer head to Hammerhead) off to an office building. Corey and Vince stand in the street.
After a few failed attempts at finding a decent human being in LA all the guests have someone that agrees to come to the house that evening.
Everyone is ready to go. They are waiting for the van when Corey announces that he has to use the bathroom. Thank God the editors left this in.
Twenty minutes later Corey has not emerged from the bathroom and the others are getting pissed. Finally Hammer, being the savior that he is decides it’s time to save Corey from himself. Don’t ask, I have no idea how getting him out of the bathroom will save him from himself, but that is what grandmaster Hammer said.
In the van Corey is mad at the fact that the others are mad because he was sick. OK, Corey is seriously getting on even my nerves lately, but cut the guy some slack. If you’re sick, you really can’t help it. They could have been thankful that he was sick in the public restroom and not in the house’s only bathroom.
Hammer goes on and on about how there is no way it should have taken him 20 minutes. He informs us that he could have been out of there in five minutes because he’s a professional. Corey asks the question we are all thinking:
“A professional crapper?”
(Not to be confused with my profession of professional recrapper)
Hammer then tells Corey he needs to eat some meat. Some chicken… something.
Everyone, even Corey, finally laughs and they all head home.
Where is Chuck Woolery when you need him? The houseguests are lined up standing next to their picks for Brande as she sits on the sofa trying not to look like a big loser.
Gabby brings us Rick Oh, she must pick him . Anyone who cares enough to dress in a sweatshirt, over a button down (I know this as the tails are hanging out from under the sweatshirt), old jeans and, to top it all off, a backwards baseball cap, is a hell of a catch.
Vince brings in Randy, someone he has known for 15 years. Randy’s a nice looking guy. Actually took the time to shower before coming. That has always been a plus in my book.
Hammer introduces us to Kirk who apparently comes from good people. I am pretty sure this is the guy Hammer met in the office building, so I have to question how he knows that Kirk comes from good peeps… hmmm.
Corey can’t remember his guys name, but is sure Brande will love him.
Jerri found Kurt, her selling point for him is that he has a nice smile. OK.
Manny is last, and he brings Rick… or Rich I can’t read my writing. He promises Brande their date will be ecstasy, and Rick/Rich will be the drug.
Brande narrows it down to either Rick (the one Gabby found) or Kirk, Hammers choice.
Rick is a chef, and Brande likes food, so she chooses him, backwards baseball cap and all.
Their date takes place in the backyard, just like all good Reality TV dates. Brande mentions the television show Blind Date, sending the editors into a cheesy segment heaven that has me laughing out loud.
For those of you who have never seen Blind Date, the show revolves around a, well, Blind Date. The editors then add in little witty cartoons and thought bubbles, to enhance our viewing pleasure.
My favorite thought bubbles have to go to Rick:
Looking at Hammer “Whoa, it’s Bobby Brown”
Looking at Brande “Too pretty…Can’t think”
Looking at Corey “Man, Corey Haim sure has let himself go”
My favorite “cartoon” moments involve the both of them.
Rick asks Brande what kind of car she drives. She laughs and asks “which one?” three cars drop into view, a classic Vette, a Mercedes and a Porsche. Flash to him saying, “I have a bunch of cars too” down drop a crashed 1972 Impala, a 68 VW Bus and a little pink bike. Ahh, good stuff there folks.
A little more fun editing:
“How To Lose A Playmate In 5 Easy Steps”
Say the following… preferably out of the blue:
1) “I love my parents”
2) “What’s your favorite color?”
3) “I love the sun”
4) “My wisdom teeth are coming in”
5) “So, you’re a Gemini, my sister is a Gemini”
Congratulations you’ve lost your Playmate!
Brande then decides she needs to complain to Jerri and Gabby (who will NOT play mom). Gabby talks and talks and strikes me as very Momish. “Blah Blah, you’re too picky… blah blah… I want Grandkids… Blah blah”
Corey is back on the phone complaining that he doesn’t want to talk anymore because his throat hurts. Suzi is not happy. I wonder why he even called her then realized that he’d told her he would. She complains some more and reminds him that the wedding is in two days. I assume that is two weeks in TV time. [sarcasm]I can’t wait.[/sarcasm]
The promo’s for next week show off a little more of the wonderful editing.
VOICEOVER: Next week there’s softball
Shot of game
VOICEOVER: Everyone LOVES softball
VOICEOVER: There will be Playmates
shot of bouncing breasts
VOICEOVER: Everyone loves Playmates
another shot of bouncing breasts
VOICEOVER: There will be Corey
shot of Corey missing ball
shot of Corey in right field
VOICEOVER:…. Silent (cricket cricket)
Ah, ladies and Gents can it get any better?
Don’t worry, Sher will be back next week. I’d like to thank everyone who made it this far in the recap!
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