Each week, our writers come up with some of the best, worst and always memorable moments in reality TV. Enjoy! Then vote in the poll, here!
Life is a Bus
Who would have thunk it? On Wednesday's Wife Swap it turned out that Rick the funeral director dad was much less creepy than Andre the dictatorial bus touring father. In fact, Rick quickly realized the error of his workaholic ways. Andre was obsessed with the notion that school was too dangerous for his daughters. According to Andre, sex and drugs are rampant in grade school and middle school. Truck stops, on the other hand, are good, clean fun. Especially, if you stay in them overnight. I'm sure the other overnight inhabitants of your average truck stop are much more upstanding citizens than your typical ten year old. Unfortunately, Andre, the control freak, appeared to learn nothing from the experience. He essentially badgered his wife into backing down at the meet up and agreeing to do whatever he wanted. His daughters are going to turn into holy terrors without any social skills once they get out from under daddy's thumb.
The Day The Music Died
Wayne Newton, on The Entertainer, informs the audience he's had many crazy things happen to him during his many years performing in Las Vegas lounges. He says he's had things thrown at him, and I don't think he means bras and panties. The camera zooms in as he says he's even had people die during his act. I've heard people say, "He was so good, I thought I'd die." Or, "I'm dying to see him perform." But I didn't really think they meant die. I would think it would be pretty hard to pick up the beat after something like that. What song do you sing after the coroner carries someone out on a stretcher...Danke Shoen?
Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat!
On the premiere episode of Survivor: Palau, things kicked off immediately with a schoolyard pick 'em game that eliminated two castaways right off the bat. *Yawn* From there, with the remaining 18 split into two tribes, the Koror tribe scored an easy victory in the immunity/reward challenge, taking home not only the funky monkey immunity idol, but flint and steel to make fire. Unfortunately, Koror spoiled the spoils of victory when their canoe tipped over, sending their fire-starter and perhaps the immunity idol to the ocean floor. Left cold, alone, wet, and decidedly anonymous on their new beach, one question remains. Who are all these people? Maybe if we'd been given more than an hour-long premiere, we might know some names.
I Want You to Be Fired – Exclusively
This week on The Apprentice, team Magna decided to open a spa on wheels. The ever-creative Michael was up to his usual working standards, which consisted of being annoying and eating some pizza. His accomplishments this week were astounding; he compared himself to the Donald with his dating preferences, he stated numerous times that a guy simply cannot sell massages and he got himself fired. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! After Bren wisely decided to bring Stephanie and Michael in the boardroom, Mister Personality interrupted Bren when he was blasting Steph. The Donald, never one to miss out on such a fine opportunity, fired Michael for his sheer stupidity. Good riddance and good luck on starting up your coffee ad campaign with Eastern European models.
The Elevator of Shame
Wednesday’s American Idol was less about singing than about lining up the candidates and knocking them down with a ten-pound ball of rejection. Along the way, cameras were there to capture every moment of anguish as the Idol hopefuls watched their dreams of fame and fortune disappear into the ether. Synthe-host Ryan Seacrest gleefully showed us the setup: a stark waiting room of folding chairs where the group of hopefuls waited; an elevator ride up to a long hall, where they walked 60 feet across a slippery hardwood floor to where a single chair had been placed in front of the three stone-faced judges. There, they heard the verdict, delivered in typical gotcha! style that the show delights in. Unbeknownst to the hopefuls, their reaction was greedily recorded for our viewing pleasure; there was even a hidden camera on the elevator. Thank goodness they included the elevator cam so we didn’t miss the riveting saga of one girl being so upset she got off on the wrong floor. Yes, we saw the whole thing; the stepping off, the looking around in bewilderment, and the scurry to make it back before the doors slammed shut. A sad piano in the background attempted to make us feel bad for her, but mostly we felt shame for FOX for torturing these folks.
America's Next Top Bandito?
Hip-Hop music, let's face it, is all about image. On this week's The Road to Stardom, Missy treated the contestants to a $500 shopping spree at the famously overpriced Melrose Avenue, followed by a personal style council with top Hollywood fashionista stylists Emil and Terrell. The twist? It was really a test to see who would stick to their guns and stay true to their own image. While Nilyne ended up in a tutu, Matthew in a ridiculously huge pink
dressshirt, Deltrice in a Playboy Bunny outfit, and Jessica in traditional African tablecloth-like garb, Akil respectfully opted for his own clothes over a Mexican mariachi suit, complete with sombrero. The irony? Despite being the only one to not sell out, the gentle Akil ended up being the night's eliminated contestant. At least he didn't end up as the world's first dreadlocked hip-hop bandito.
Survivor Palau: Loony Tunes Edition
At first she seemed like Lil 2.0 with bonus tracks. But unlike Lil, Wanda didn’t get to show off her granny panties in any challenges. She was the first woman to leave the island because she didn’t get chosen to be on a tribe. How could those young meanies not choose her, you ask? Hmm, could it have anything to do with the fact that she was singing maniacally from the moment the castaways’ adventure began? Wanda’s musical choices consisted of campfire-type ditties she had written about the Survivor game. Yikes. It just goes to show you how important song selection is in reality television.
Poor Wanda, we hardly knew ye. You failed to play by one of the most important rules of Survivor: try not to drive everyone else crazy with your incessant singing. The tribe has spoken, and we thank them.
Thank Your Parents
Our Heroine Jen Schefft of the Bachelorette , narrowed it down to the final two this week after the three romantic overnight dates. None of them were particularly romantic, and nothing went on that couldn't be rated PG. Flashbacks of the hot and heavy overnight dates of seasons past echoed in our brains, as we watched Jen with three flavors of vanilla. A rousing game of croquet was the most exciting thing happening on any of the dates. She ended up dumping Ryan who she had some chemistry with because of the last disasterous hometown date. Don't ask for in-laws from hell. This leaves Jerry ( I wanna be a media-ho) and John Paul ( Boy toy with a real job) for her to choose her final guy from. We are are all waiting with strong coffee to keep us awake for the final pick, and the important question - Is this really the worst season of the series? Will we be able to stay awake for the final Rose?
The Art of Lying: Mitch 101
Love him or hate him, Mitch sure does put the wicked in Wickedly Perfect. After joining team Artisan, Mitch and the girls are tasked to restore and resell antique items for a higher resale value. Keeping his enemies close, the Lex Luther of home improvement salaciously rubs his hands together in anticipation of working alongside Kimberly. Throughout the episode, the two trade verbal bitch slaps and other various talk to the hand gestures. When team Artisan fails to refurbish a
piece of craprusty iron table (which they had registered as one of their pieces) and instead refurbish a wooden end table, the team is left with minutes to fix their mistake. It’s Mitch to the rescue and he takes the iron table back to the shop…to do absolutely nothing to it. As his speechless teammates stand by, Mitch explains the reason they didn’t refurbish the table was because the rusty, flaky, pneumonia causing chips were too authentic to touch up. As if pulling something that incredible out of his ass wasn’t funny enough, the fact that the judges bought his sales pitch hook, line and sinker sealed the deal. Mitch once again came out a hero. While his team didn’t win the project, he succeeded in booting Kimberly, leaving another victim in his wake.
Many thanks to the writers who contributed to the article this week! In alphabetical order, they were: eny, hepcat, Mantenna, Mariner, oneTVslave, roseskid, Silverstar, and speedbump.