Each week, our writers come up with some of the best, worst and always memorable moments in reality TV. Enjoy!
Chyna, After Hours
What kind of person can work all day taking care of preschoolers, including the inevitable hellish craft-and-snacks cleanup, only to get their second wind when the rest of their roommates are falling asleep on their feet? If you guessed an over-muscled woman with a penchant for wearing bikinis while guzzling booze, you guessed right! While the roomies on The Surreal Life flopped wearily into bed around midnight, former wrestler Chyna was just hitting her (undeniably powerful) stride. Telling the camera that she always stays up until 7:00 a.m., she donned her bikini and pranced merrily through the dark house for hours. The other roommates wouldn't play along, even when she bounced on their beds and yelled. Psst - Joanie, pass me the digits for your vitamin supplier, 'kay?
Run Don't Walk
As Chris Harrison continuously reminded us, Monday night was one of the biggest cutdowns in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. Jen had to reduce the number of suitors from 15 to eight. Normally, that might have caused a lot of agonizing. Luckily for Jen, the guys pretty much eliminated themselves. Stu the Stalker earnestly told us that not only was he in love with Jen after spending less than 10 minutes total with her, she was in love with him. He just needed to figure out how to make her realize that. Mark presented Jen with a guardian angel pin similar to the one he wears on a chain around his neck and the one he buried with his mother. Matt the firefighter asked for Jen's autograph on his ticket to the Knicks game they attended as part of a group date. Mike shared a little too much and told Jen that he likes to spoon his dog at night. Jason decided to confess to being a virgin waiting for a wife who will be as committed to him as he is to her. She helped pick these guys? Yikes.
Battered & Fried: Stick a Fork in them, They're Done
Yesss!!! *pumps fist* The moment for which we've all been waiting, hoping, praying! *does happy dance* Sweet Jumpin' Jehosophat, if ever there was cause for celebration, good people of the world, it...is...now...*falls to knees in sheer ecstacy* Long-suffering viewers of The Amazing Race can now rejoice: the evil that is Jonathan has finally had his blue-haired, fuzzy-hatted, obnoxiously self-promotin', and noxiously wife-abusin' ass sent back a'packin' to
HadesHollywood, and how appropriate that his karmic retribution was served up by, of all appropriate symbols, an actual ass (as in donkey).
I Do Too
On day eight of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition's quest for perfection at the Anderson residence there was a lovely wedding. Rodney married his long time girlfriend Monique who had only been dating him a few months when he was gunned down by a neighborhood gang. He had been mistaken for a rival gang member when in truth he was a star basketball player with a scholarship to Cal State Fullerton. Now paralyzed with limited use of his arms, he needs daily assistance. Monique certainly did not have to stick around for his grueling rehabilitation, especially knowing he would never walk. She did more than that. She agreed to marry the love of her life. This well deserving couple not only got a house of their own on the Anderson property right next to their parents, but also got the wedding they dreamed of on EM: HE’s tab. Bravo!
The Predator Strikes Again
Nikol and Jim, former high school sweethearts and the most featured couple on the WB's High School Reunion 3 have spent their two week reunion rekindling their relationship in hopes of having a future together. For two weeks, classmate Jen (nicknamed the Predator), the girl responsible for breaking up Jim and Nikol during their senior year dance, has had her evil eye on the couple's blossoming love connection. After Jim's confession of love for Nikol, the two lovebirds set off for the Prom together to rewrite their bad history. Too bad the dance was set in shark-infested waters, because Jen continued to circle her prey and went in for the kill. Did Jim fight off the predator with his bare hands, risking life and limb for his beloved Nikol? Or did he run off to meet Jen in the men's bathroom so he could feel her up? This crash course in "I-can't-believe-this-is-happening-all-over-again" taught Nikol exactly what kind of future she could look forward to with Jim - none.
There's A Reason They Use Professionals
Our girl Jen Schefft from The Bachelorette bypassed the usual casting agents and had a hand at doing the job herself , or so the story goes. There's the stalker , the guy like to spoon with his dog, the guy who gave her jewelry that matched his dead moms and the guy who mumbled and only wanted her to autograph something from their date. The guy who may be the most charming of them all is the guy who may be gay. Just how bad can it get? So bad we're almost on the phone to former beau Andrew Firestone to rescue her.
The Water Nymph Floats to the Top
This week's Project Runway challenge was to design a suit that could take a dip in the pool, but still make a splash at an evening gala. Austin Scarlett found his stride with a suit inspired by the glory days of Esther Williams. But what sealed Austin's win was his secret weapon: Melissa the model. Yes, a stunning girl in a swimsuit at a party where everyone else is in dry clothing will attract attention, but adding to her mystique was her glass of ginger ale instead of champagne because she's sixteen years old. Was it the lure of youth, or Austin's superior design skills? Either way, Austin and Melissa left an indelible impression on the party's VIP, and earned a write-up in his column.
Chief Moron Officer
In what may be the most annoying reality TV contestant yet, The Apprentice's Danny managed to alienate almost his whole team the span of one episode. Decked out in his best Leisure Suit, the 39 year old from Boston, brought his guitar and a song in his heart in his quest to become the next Apprentice. While his team first gathered to discuss a name, Danny suggested writing a song and appointed himself the Chief Morale Officer. Insisting he was an expert at marketing, the best he come up with was a second rate ball toss outside of Burger King while he took his one man band to the street. Despite embarrassing his team, Danny managed to avoid the ax and will continue to annoy us for at least another week. He's no Omarosa, but he's certainly in a league of his own.
It happens all the time: a group of young folks are strutting around, desperate to show the world they are cool enough to be hip hop stars, and the next thing you know they have fallen into a tearful group hug. Well, maybe it's not so much common as highly unusual. When it did happen to the music industry hopefuls on The Road to Stardom With Missy Elliott this week, it was in a junkyard of all places. The surprise detour to the junkyard was a challenge: each contestant was charged with building a shrine to their inspiration, using only the materials around them - namely, junk. The contestants took the challenge seriously, though; the result was a thoughtful exploration of their deepest pains and life challenges. When it was all over, there wasn't a dry eye in the junkyard.
Mama Mia! Eye've Got My Eye on You
The Hammond/Howard episode of Trading Spouses featured two especially memorable participants: miserable control freak Mia Hammond and teen Candy Howard, glass-eye recipient. Frankly, we understand that it must be hard being Mia Hammond. Imagine a phone conversation to order a pizza: "No! This isn't a joke! I said Mia HAMMOND, not Mia HAMM!," etc.
Mrs. Hammond regarded her trip to Chattanooga as akin to a death sentence. Her perceptions of the South and Southerners in general must not have improved with the practical joke played on her by Candy Howard. Candy approached Mia while rubbing her eye and as Mia leaned in for a look, pop! Out came the eye. Mia screeched and buried her face in her hands.
We learn that Candy's handicap was caused by a "BB gun accident," leading us to wonder when we'll see the nine-fingered boy who had a "scissors" and "running" incident.
The First Annual William Hung Awards
This week brought us the premiere episode of American Idol 4. In keeping with tradition, the first few hours showcased some of America's most delusional singers. One budding young starlet who made a lasting impression with the judges and the viewers was Mary Roach. Mary, who had already selected a stage name with more star quality than her own, performed a rousing rendition of "I Feel the Earth Move" complete with never-before-seen dance moves. Unlike some of the other performers who seem to know deep inside that they are really lousy singers, Mary radiated a Hung-like confidence, giving herself an eight on a scale of one to ten, and accused Simon of teasing her when he said she had one of the worst voices he had ever heard. Never one to give up quickly, Mary insisted that all of her friends had assured her she was a phenomenal singer. She then took a page from the Book of Sybil and creepily confessed that she had many other voices inside her - would they like to hear another voice sing? The judges declined and sent the whole crew packing, suspecting that all of the voices probably had the same vocal coach.
Many thanks to the writers that contributed to this week's article! In alphabetical order, Eny, Feifer, Hepcat, Mariner, Miss Filangi, oneTVslave, phat32 & SnowflakeGirl