Things I Learned From Watching Fox's "Man Vs. Beast"
(With a nod upstairs to Cronan Thompson)
1. By my watch, the Armageddon ought to be along, oh, any minute now.
2. Kobyashi must mean "I give up!" in Japanese cuz my granny could eat more hot dogs than he ate--and she's dead.
3. Speaking of the Japanese, they might beat us in electronics, autos and utter wackiness of their cartoon characters--but they sure can't beat our animals in an eating contest or tug-of-war! We're #1! We're #1!
4. The quote of the evening: "This zebra can win this [foot]race...as long as he keeps his focus."
5. If we ever go to war against all the chimpanzees in the world, just send in a bunch of Navy SEALs to challenge them to an obstacle course. The chimps don't stand a chance.
6. It's good to see little people can find work outside of circuses, rodeos and George Lucas and Mike Myers films--there's always a job waiting for them at Fox.
7. If you lose in a contest against an animal using a talent you've trained for all your life, don't demand a rematch because if you lose twice, you're going to be America's number one fool.
8. People who give themselves nicknames boasting of their talent level (such as "Cheetah Man") will only go on to fail and embarrass themselves. Therefore, I am going to give myself the nickname "Really Poor, Unsuccessful Guy Who Cannot Earn the Respect of His Peers and Has No Sexual Prowess with Attractive Members of the Opposite Sex." Bizarro logic ought to work in my favor here.
9. In Hollywood, even an orangutan can apply for (and get) a SAG card.
10. Not only is television a commercially-motivated wasteland where true talent are suppressed and unique voices silenced to satisfy the corporate fatcats, that saps any ability between modern families to communicate meaningfully outside of a scripted entertainment context, but it is also the medium by which normal, everday people will degrade themselves to ever downward-spiralling depths to aspire to a disenchanting, disillusioning, misleading "fame" which they mistakenly hope will enliven their dead, unexamined lives but only mark them with scarlet letters that attract the attention of those who wish to examine every facet in the lives of these people they consider societal anomalies.
That having said, I cannot WAIT for "Bridezillas"!! It's going to be RILLY, RILLY cool!!