Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls around LA! Come one! Come All to see the biggest piece of crap talent show on the planet!! Before your eyes, you will see one time stars and celebrities make jerks of themselves! It’s amazing! It’s fantastic! It’s an embarrassing way to convince the seven pseudo celebs that their days in the limelight are long, long gone! And… it’s just another day and night in The Surreal Life.
The celebs wake up to a tabloid proclaiming an upcoming talent show and barbecue that will be thrown by them that very evening in the backyard of their home away from home. The winner of the show gets to spend the night in the mansion’s private master bedroom with PlayStation included! The master bedroom is huge, with a king-size bed and an enormous bath. Funny thing, none of the celebs knew that this room existed. Did they not wander around the house when they got there? How could they miss the master bedroom?
The celebs get dressed and head to the mall to sell tickets to the event. Vince and Webster are ticked off at the situation. Webster hasn’t been in a talent show since he was ten and Vince… well, Vince is the lead singer of Motley Crue!!! He is far too cool for this gig. And I’m not being sarcastic.
On the other hand is our man, Corey. He is thrilled to be able to display his talent to his adoring public. Finally someone is going to get to hear one of his songs off his album that’s gathering dust down at the Virgin Records.
At the mall, most of the celebs harass people into buying tickets to come hang with them that evening. They remind me a lot of those annoying survey people that follow me around in the malls asking for just a moment of my time. Except Vince. Vince isn’t about to demean himself by asking people to come to his show… that’s simply not how it’s done. He’s a rockstar for god’s sake! Instead, he takes $100 bucks out of his wallet and shoves it in the ticket envelope then gives the tickets away for free. Now, this is the logical thing to do in order to save face. The charity that is benefiting from these ticket sales is still getting their cash and Vince doesn’t have to look like a dumbass… like, say… Corey does as he chases down a clown at the mall. When the clown hurries his pace and rushes away, Corey points at him and says, “You’re a CLOWN!” Good one, Corey. YOU’RE a moronic, egotistical, leather wearing vegetarian p-whipped loser! Ahhh, now that I’ve got that out of my system….
Back at the house, practice is on! There are kazoos blaring in the background, there’s Vince hanging back drinking beer playing the soccer mom by giving out advice when necessary, then there’s Webster hiding behind a teeny tiny little plant so as not to be noticed. Corey, however, has called his sound guy and brought in all of his backup musicians. He tells us “When you become just a celebrity, you can no longer be seen as an artist.” News flash, Corey! We never saw you as an artist in the first place. In the second place, you are barely grazing celebrity status and soon they’ll stop showing you on “Where Are They Now” specials. Then again, it’s not every day that he’s able to hunt people down to come to his house and force them to listen to his gut wrenchingly bad, bad music, and this time he’ll have Vince Neil on backing vocals. Score one for Corey! Hang your head in shame for Vince.
Corey decides that he’s not getting enough face time on camera, so he heads for the secluded phone booth where he can have the show all to himself. He calls Suzi, because he said he would, and explains that he went to the mall to sell tickets for a show he’s putting on that night. She replies that she’s glad he’s having fun, when he interrupts with, “FUN?! You think this is FUN!?! This is my WORK!!!" When Suzi laughs and laughs at the loser that is Corey, he tells her that she is giving him far too much attitude and that she is beginning to raise her voice and he hangs up on her. She wasn’t raising her voice, Corey. She was laughing. At YOU. And seriously, this is your work, is it? Since when did you take up ticket sales at the local mall? Anything good showing?
Night falls and the mall rats arrive. Center stage is Monty Hall! He promises he’s going to make the guests a very good deal, but I’m certain that he’s lying. I’ve seen the celebs at practice. This crowd is screwed.
Monty tells the audience that they are going to be seeing seven “stars” performing talent acts in order to win a night in a big bed and a feature role on a WB show. Corey mouths “yes!” to himself. He is foaming at the mouth to go call Suzi and tell her about his big new part on the WB. Vince holds back a laugh. He just can’t take this thing seriously. In fact, I can see it in his eyes that he’s questioning why he ever consented to do this show. Actually, you know what I really see in his eyes? No, more than that… what I see in his whole face and appearance? Vince Neil has a striking resemblance to Jon Lovitz! In fact, I’m beginning to believe that this isn’t Vince Neil at all! He would never do a show like this! But Jon Lovitz totally would! It’s all beginning to make a lot more sense to me…
The show begins with Brande and her faithful dog dressed in cheerleader outfits. All of the boys in the audience flip to the centerfold section of their Playboy Magazines and begin to drool. The music starts and Brande dances. Oh yes, the boys believe it was worth the trip to the mansion. Brande dances. Badly.
Next up is Gaby accompanied by the Burlesque Saints (a.k.a. Brande and Jerri). Gaby plays “When the Saints Go Marching In” on kazoo. This is where it took all my willpower not to change the channel. I bet there was a great Will & Grace repeat on tonight.
But next was the act we’ve all been waiting for! No, no. Corey still doesn’t cry. Those stupid previews are so deceiving!! But he does sing “a love song for his love”, which makes most everyone in the audience break down in tears. Here’s some lyrics for you: “Living in Fear. Fear of your touch. Your touch your kiss. I need them. But I fear them.” Obviously, he wrote this piece of crap for Suzi. She’s so inspirational. Vince Neil supposedly was singing backup, but I’m almost certain he was just standing on stage mouthing “watermelon” over and over. Good move, Vince.
Next on stage it’s Hammer Time! No wait! It’s Hammer alright, but he acts as Clive Rufus Brown (who?!) and sings the “Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?” song. Uh…. I don’t remember this as a normal part of Hammer’s act, but okaaaaaaaaaay. Side stage we see Webster and Monty Hall looking on. Monty affectionately pats Webster on the top of his head. I bet that’s hard not to do. In fact, I bet Webster gets as many daily pats on the head as Brande’s dog.
Back on stage is Jerri, who was introduced by Monty as “a natural woman with an unnatural talent.” In my mind, I picture a woman sitting on stage with a bucket of ping pong balls. I am incorrect. She’s accompanied by Gaby and Brande who are dressed as beatniks and are carrying tambourines. Jerri gives us a little spoken word poetry: “Success. Celebrity. Life Lessons. Ascend. Transcend.” I’m thinking the ping pong balls would have been a better act.
Last is Vince and he’s singing a little ditty he just wrote called “The Surreal Life Blues.” Though his lyrics are lame, the crowd goes wild! Devil hands and lighters fly quickly into the air in true rock show fashion! Hair band rock fans madly rush the stage!!! Bras and panties come flying at Vince’s face!!! He has clearly stolen the show!!! Somewhere, I’m sure Corey was off crying, but alas we didn’t get to see it in this episode. The party ends, the lights go out and in his best Crue voice, Vince yells, “I am the winner!! Now Goodnight San Fernando Valleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!” Alone in his room, he laughs to himself at the thought of a feature role on the WB….
Tune in next week to see the pseudos head to Vegas for clubbing, casinos and fat burgers!
*puts lighter back in her pocket and skips away*