Welcome to a very special edition of The Swan. No, don't listen to voice-overs that would have you believe it's because they are throwing in the sibling rivalry angle. Silly viewers, tonight's show stands out because it's the sequel to my previous recap. It's Revenge of the Double-D Avenger, family flava! To throw further monkey wrenches at your viewing pleasure, the girls are going to get rid of their bountiful booby excesses for a more streamlined silhouette. So much for the old chestnut about cleavage getting you more attention.
Listen, Do You Want To Know A Secret?
Here comes the beauteous Amanda, who's loveliness surely inspired the band Boston, or at least Barry Manilow. She's decked out in a sleek little black sequined cocktail gown as she gathers 'round the panel of experts. First up is 25 year old Kari Bravatta, the cuter, blonder sister. She's very dependent on her older sister Gina, which gives the show the convenient advantage of having them both audition. Gina's not chosen, and they bid one another tearful adieus. We find out that Kari used to be a dancer and cheerleader throughout school, until she turned into a 16 year old sophomore in a DD cup. Jiggling around at dance recitals while your classmates fathers try to stuff ten-spots down your Danskin wasn't an option, so Kari was forced to drop out of an active lifestyle. She makes sure her self esteem stays in the dumps by working with her hottie mother, Laurie, as a gymnastics coach. Geesh, talk about being a masochist! She's unhappy with her weight gain and back and head aches due to being so top heavy.
Dr. Haworth comments on Kari's disproportionate breasts, which he plans to reduce. This man has a knack for oddball statements, this week delighting me with his plans to "excavate her beauty" as if she's some fossil dig in the Gobi Desert. The excavation will include total body liposuction to 7 major areas of her body, rhinoplasty, brow lift, lower eye liposuction, lip augmentation, chin/cheek sculpturing, and Lasik eye surgery. Sherri Worth goes whole hog with the mouthwork, including gum recontouring. She's to train at the gym for 2 hours a day, 6 days a week. She has to stick to a 1,200 calorie a day diet plan, plus endure therapy with Miss Ianni. I can't bring myself to call her a therapist any longer.
The focus of the panel then turns to older sister Gina, who at 27 is miles ahead of her younger sibling in confidence, if not looks. She's told she's also been selected, but must not let Kari in on the secret. She's got really bad skin and fuzzy Muppet-like eyebrows that don't work well with her saucer eyes. Her chest seems to be a bit smaller than Kari's at the moment, though both women are strictly in the DD zone. She tells us that she developed at age 12, and was also forced to give up cheerleading, causing her weight to burgeon to over 170lbs, and move up to a DDD bra size. She's not comfortable being around her live-in boyfriend Sal because of her slightly ripply tummy, which I have to say, is relatively flat. Flat enough for her to sport a navel ring.
Of course, Dr. Dubrow has to make her sound like a behemoth, stating she needs a tummy tuck to tackle her body contour problems. He thinks her breast reduction will be tricky in that he's not sure what cup size to leave her at, since the diet plan will reduce her chest even further. He tentatively concludes he wants to under-reduce her chest. He signs her up for a brow lift, jaw, chin and cheek liposuction and a series of photofacials to take care of her blemishes. Shockingly, she won't get a nose tweak or any work on her lips. She'll need a tummy tuck and liposuction on 8 areas of her body. Like Kari, she gets the complete dental package, as well as the same work out and diet restrictions.
Tempest In A D(Squared) Cup
Bright and early as both sisters arrive at their gilded cages smack dab in L. of A. A quick contraband search turns up Kari's smuggled makeup compact case mirror, which some hulking security guy confiscates. I admit, I giggled at this. Kari's finally without her familial support, and breaks down as she reads a letter from Big Sis, who's been giving her much needed encouragement. Gina, as bearer of the secret, has only the welcome letter from the staff to get her through her first day.
Gina consults with Dr. Dubrow, who mentions her contour irregularities. Her stomach still looks pretty flat to me. Regardless, it has to be done. The under-reduction of her chest will take her down from her current 38DD to single D size. He's hopeful her weight loss will bring her down to a nice C cup. For a woman who's biggest concern is her boobs, I'm really disappointed he didn't aim for B. Sent off to the trainer, a weigh-in reveals she's at 147lbs, which is not obese by any means, for a woman who's five feet and four inches tall. She's on the In and Out Burger diet regimen, though; that'll have to be nipped in the bud. The self admitted Coke addict (no, not that kind of coke, she'd be thinner) will have to give up the bubbly stuff and make do with 5 small portions of food daily.
Meanwhile Kari gets her first once over with Dr. Haworth. I'm always pleased when both plastic surgeons get a big share of the limelight, aren't you? He blames Kari's stocky bulky look to her DD breast size. Truth be told, she does look heavier than Gina. He's approved her for the mid-C cup range. Then Haworth gets mean, as he's wont to do, and throws out as an aside that her face looks round and masculine. Ouch. Duly chagrined and apprehensive, she heads to Dr. Sherri, where she voices concerns over the veneers. She's afraid her clumsiness will lead to a mishap with the caps. Dr. Worth promptly poo-poo's her worries with a snarky "What, you fall on your face a lot?" Sherri Worth will not be denied! The poor girl calls Gina on the eve of her surgery to get her wounds licked, forcing Gina to remain mum on all of her own hurdles.
A few days later, both girls get the linear treatment, prepping for their respective surgeries. They look like graph paper after all is said and done. Kari is thoroughly liposuctioned and has the fat pads taken out of her lower eyelid section. There's a gory close up of Haworth's bloodstained fingers. I looked away, queasy. I hope I didn't miss anything, Faithful Readers. There's trouble on the horizon as the nurses try to rouse her out of anesthesia. She's unresponsive and groggier than the norm. This alarms Haworth, who fears she won't be able to get further work done.
Gina breezes through her surgeries, unaware of her sister's travails. She has her cheeks defatted, her breasts reduced, and her stomach tightened. Her new sculpted midriff is due to a "skin only" tuck, with no muscle tightening needed. Didn't I say she had a flat belly? Only three times already! She looks torn up, all bandaged and woozy, but still asks how Kari's doing. I'm touched and almost wish I had an older sister myself. Almost.
Kari's got an appointment with specialists, after much speculation that she's got a sleep disorder that's wrecking havoc with her chances of the much needed breast surgery. She calls Mom to get reassurance, and it's obvious that Gina isn't the only sister with skin issues. Maybe it's a stress related breakout, because she's soon wired up and monitored for a night. Luckily for us all, she's cleared for her remaining surgeries. Haworth hopes the tricky breast reduction goes well, for one wrong stitch and he could "kill the nipple". A more horrifying phrase has never been uddered, I mean, uttered. The surgery wraps up nicely, with no teat mangling, inspiring one of the nurses to comment on Kari's beautiful breasts. Our girl is confident to win, even though she's two weeks behind schedule due to her complications.
Gina's coping with facial and abdominal stitch pains, and her face is a terrible shiny black and blue, like the interior of some gaudy 60's muscle car. She can't focus on the program due to worries about her little sister. She calls her up, pretending to be on a Mexican vacation, weaseling out of describing the scenery by promising lots of pictures. She even has to lie about the whereabouts of her pet yorkie, who clearly got all the looks in the family. Such is sisterly love.
And The Winner Takes It By A Nose!
Right before the reveal ceremony, Miss Byram reminds us all of the problems both girls faced before The Swan team swept in to aide them. Kari had a large chest and weight issues. The surgeons claim she went from a dangerous condition to a dazzling transformation. Their talent for overstatement is not lost on anyone. Nely mentions that Kari's obsession with Gina not making the cut for the program set her back a bit, as we are all treated to a mini recap of her journey. The doors swing back, and in sashays Kari. She's poured into a tight black satin sleeveless number with a cute little silver buckle up front at the waist. She's got on a rhinestone choker and long feathery blonde extensions that obscure a clear view of her cleavage. I think it's smaller. I couldn't rightly tell. She's still a teeny bit bug-eyed, but her nose is now streamlined and doesn't sport the obvious "I've had a nose job" bobbed tip. I did note that the straplessness of her gown overemphasized her shoulders so that she slightly resembled a cross- dressing linebacker. She's downright quiet when gazing at her reflection. She's pleased enough, until Amanda mentions if she's thought of how her sister will react to her transformation. Way to bum a girl out, Mandy.
Before Gina's reveal, the experts opine about her martyr caretaker role with her younger sister. Miss Ianni thinks she's taught her how to let herself come first in her life, with Nely's assistance. Here comes Gina, and I can't get past the most horrendous hair I've ever seen on this show. Not even resembling extensions but just a cheap wig, it's a maelstrom of messiness. She's got blonde, copper, and dark brown tones mixed in and it hangs at different lengths about her bosom. The hair completely detracts from her grape KoolAid hued satin dress. The ragged bangs emphasize eyes not only buggy but baggy. The stylist decided to add on some elbow length black gloves and for that final touch of overkill, some glittery rings. It reminds me of a jeweler's display case. The poor girl is more enthusiastic with her reflection, and says she's pleased with the breast remodelling, the size of which is also hard to determine due to the styling of her dress.
But there's more drama for the girls, and that means drama for you and me as well. Something's afoot at the Circle K, but Kari's not cluing in on the differences tonight. Usually both competitors make an entrance in unison, but Kari is oblivious. The secret's finally blown when her sister Gina enters the salon, vaguely recognizable despite the hair catastrophe. They joyously embrace, tears threatening to unglue their false eyelashes. After a quick moment in which they check each other out, it's decision time. Both women agree that there will be no loser tonight. Who's the fairest of them all? Why it's Kari. The blonde winning streak continues! She wins by a hair. Or rather, a hairstyle. Soft dissolve into a hugfest from friends and family, as another week comes to an end.
Are you my long lost sister? Let's see who's cuter! Email me at email@example.com