You take the good, you take the bad
Pseudo Celebs in Glenn Campbell’s pad
The Surreal Life
On Thursday Night
There's a time they’ve got to go
and know their glory days are over oh
The Surreal Life
Webster’s got a knife
When the world has never seen
Baywatch Brande or “Dream a Little Dream”
The Hammer Dance is over now
The Surreal Life is all they’ve got ooh. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
It takes a lot to get 'em right
While Webster plays on Nick at Night
90210’s long out of sight
but we’re learning about The Surreal Life Stars
The Surreal Life is all about them...
So where were we? Oh yes, episode three (I’m counting the one hour premiere as episodes 1 and 2 now, since that’s how the WB is doing things.)
Our pseudostars are just getting comfy in their bunk beds when they learn through the daily tabloid that they will be going camping! When Vince admits that he’s never been, Corey complains, “this is just something us type of people don’t do.” Nice line, Corey. Way to get in good with your adoring public. And what kind of things DO you do? You don’t buy groceries. You obviously don’t make movies anymore. Oh yes, I know what you do! You beg your agent for work!
As if camping isn’t bad enough, the motley “crew” realizes they only have 25 minutes to get packed before The Surreal Life Van comes to pick them up at 8:30. I would elaborate on how Vince can’t cram his crap in his backpack properly, how Gabrielle played the mom role, how Brande is too dumb to know that groceries are taxed, but bright enough to remember to pack toilet paper, but it really wasn’t all that exciting.
Oh, but it was funny when Vince bagged on Corey. Corey whines as only Corey can about how he has nothing to wear to go camping! Vince whines back that he guesses his Versace suit won’t be making the trip. Yes Corey, quit your bitching and just get in the van. No, no… there is no time to call Suzy.
Webster seems especially chipper for this trip! He loves camping, but brings a knife in case things get desperate and he’s forced to eat another pseudostar. I think he should pick either Brande or Jerri for his first meal, as they are least likely to be missed.
Jerri is having Survivor flashbacks. At the mere thought of sleeping outside and searching for food, she instantly loses 20 pounds and becomes an uberbitch. Oh wait… those were MY flashbacks to her Survivor days. She’s fine.
In the van on the way to the camp site we have the pleasure of hearing Corey, and ONLY Corey, recap his life. He’s broken all of his rules regarding relationships by falling for a fan that he met in a club. My guess is that if he hadn’t chosen a fan to date that he would grow old alone. He needs a fan to fall for him. It’s all about Suzy’s shallowness and loving him for his celebrity status. No one else would listen to his whining.
Next we get to hear about how hard his childhood was. And all of the traumatic events of his youth. And how many commercials he was in. And how he had to keep his face pretty or his parents would beat him. And how he had made a million bucks by the time he was 14. And had lost it all in the snap of his fingers. Well, I’m guessing his parents didn’t care how pretty he kept his face, but rather beat him because he’s SO obnoxious.
In confessionals from the other pseudos, we realize that Corey wasn’t just annoying us. There were more eyes rolling and heavy sighs going on in that van than in any porn flick you’ve ever seen. Shut UP, Corey! The group stops at a truck stop as Corey is complaining of thirst. No one doubts that his throat is dry. I’m sure he complained of that, too.
SIDENOTE: You know what the worst thing about all this Corey bashing is? He was my favorite coming into the show. I used to love Corey Feldman. I saw every single bad movie he’s ever done and even had a poster on my wall of him in high school. I have to say now, Corey sucks.
Anyway, at the truck stop we notice that even the backward, toothless truckers recognize pseudo celebrities when they see them! (Okay, maybe that’s giving undo credit. I’m sure that the 10 cameramen accompanying the group didn’t draw any sort of attention.) Webster feels right at home, as he LOVES truckers! He immediately sits down with the cast from the pig scene of “Deliverance” and begins discussing road gremlins and trucker apparitions. Whatever….
One of the locals walks over to Vince with a cell phone, which Vince willingly takes and carries on a conversation with a groupie. Right On!! Of course, in the background, we hear Corey complain that his Coke is a diet Coke and he ordered a regular. Quit complaining and drink your Diet Coke!
Now it’s Hammer time! Maybe it’s just me, but if I walk into a back woods truck stop with a bunch of pig fu… oh… I mean, with a bunch of people that don’t get out much, the last thing I would do would be to strike up a conversation about sex. Hammer obviously doesn’t see it my way though, as he does JUST that! Instead of pointing to the women and telling the locals that they can't touch this, Hammer asks, “If you could have sex with two beautiful women like Jerri and Brande would you do it?” Now, I don’t know if Gabrielle should be offended that she wasn’t included in that scenario or relieved. Doesn’t matter as it’s time to get outta there!
Finally, the crew reaches the campsite. It’s nothing like I expected. Honestly, I was thinking cabins. I was pleasantly surprised to see a lot of dirt and a big lake. Yeah! They have to rough it! Except, there is a luxury tent set up with a table next to it and a guy in a chef’s cap. Dangling from the front of the tent is a scroll with an attached note which says “Jerri – Read Me” written on it.
The scroll says that Jerri has “survived” enough and that she will be staying in the luxury accommodations tonight and feasting on a gourmet meal! Clearly, the producers want to clear up this “Celebs vs. Jerri” feud going on amongst the crew by showing that Jerri is the star.
The celebs are forced to compete for the privilege of sharing the tent a la Survivor style! They randomly pick partners for the challenge by drawing colored disks out of a bag. The couples are Corey and Hammer, Brande and Webster and Gabi and Vince. Each team competes for a chance at the cot and the four course meal. Losers will be dining on beanie weenie and hot dogs that they must prepare themselves. Oh the HORROR!!
The challenge begins with a 50-yard three-legged dash. Corey and Hammer have the art of three legging it mastered and easily win the race. The real challenge begins for them when trying to untie the knots in the bandanas tied around their legs. Now I realize untying knots is harder than it looks, but it looks pretty easy for Brande, Webster, Gabi and Vince who have the bandanas off and are racing towards the boats for the second leg of the challenge. Once reaching the boats, the teams have to push them into the water, row out in the lake and around 2 buoys and return to shore. By the time Corey quits whining and Hammer gets the knots untied, the other two teams are halfway through.
I am reminded of Flo and Zach in The Amazing Race… The effective teams both had pushed their boats into the water together, then jumped in and began to row. But OH, not FLO…errrr… Corey, I mean. Instead Corey runs and jumps in the boat on dry land and expects Hammer to push him out. When realizing that Hammer is unable to move the boat with Corey’s dead weight in it, instead of jumping out to help, what do you think Corey does? Yep, you guessed it! He complains that Hammer isn’t enough man to push his scrawny butt in the water. Yeah, well Corey, he may not be man enough to push the boat out, but I’m guessing he’s man enough to kick your ass.
Finally, with everyone’s boats in the water, Hammer proceeds to row as Corey doesn’t. After a few minutes of Hammer and Corey’s boat going in circles, we again see Flo start crying and screaming that she quits and wants to go home! Oh wait… I’ve done it again. I mean, COREY starts crying and screams that he quits and wants to go home. Regardless, they lose.
The other two teams hit the shore to complete the last leg of the race, which entails one member of each team burying their teammate in the sand up to his or her neck. This challenge is clearly rigged as with 2 shovels full of dirt, Brande has Webster completely covered.
When told that Jerri gets to pick which of the two teammates will be sharing her quarters, Brande picks up her stuff, grabs her dog, Mutley, and heads for the tent. Ok, that didn’t happen, but you could tell that by the look on her face she felt sure she would be selected. WRONG! Webster wins out. Looks like this could be his lucky night! And as he’ll be sleeping with Jerri tonight (*Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” plays in the background*) I guess he’ll choose to slice and dice Brande if he gets hungry enough. Jerri does comment to the crew that she chose Webster because he’s single, promised her some cuddling and he’s a good catch. Clearly, Jerri had forgotten to pack her teddy bear and merely needed a replacement for the night.
Watching the 4 others try to set up their tents was priceless! Brande and Gabi are sharing a tent, and Vince is stuck with Corey the complainer. Where's a naked sushi girl when you need her? We know that's a definite way to run Corey off! It's clear he would have to call Suzy before entering a tent with a naked girl as he only sees other naked girls with her. No such luck. Vince is stuck.
The girls get their tent up and in true mom fashion, Gaby starts dinner. It is clear that these pseudos have never camped as they are in Webster’s words, “bent on cooking over a high flame.” He just can’t quit cackling in the background. Jerri figures if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em and joins in the cackling! Finally after frying the hotdogs, the beans and their faces, dinner is served. The cameramen help out the young male viewers by showing PlayboyBrande slowly eating a wiener. I’m thinking gratuitous sex scene. Corey figures if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em and eats his veggie wiener in the same manner. He wishes he could call Suzy. He had promised.
While the others are flaming their faces, the chef calls Jerri and Webster to the table. The couple looks lovely. Webster even orders for his "lady.” She had the New York Strip. He had the petite filet.
Back at the bonfire…I mean, campfire, Corey asks the crew if they believe that by doing this show that they will have a positive turn of events. What he’s really asking is, “Does my butt look good on TV and do you think I will get a job?” Hammer tells him to shut up and count his blessings. Vince says it’s only ten days, man… and pretty good pay for doing nothing. Corey complains under his breath that they completely turned around his question and thus the focus was taken off of him. Ended up with Hammer the Preacher Man banging the pulpit saying, “Corey, my brotha! You should be ashamed of yourself! People are starving all over the world and you! I said, YOU have it so good! Praise God, can I get an Amen?” Corey offered up no amens, so Hammer offered to be his manager. Hammer said something about if Corey wouldn’t go to the mountain, then Hammer would bring the mountain to Corey, or something like that.
So after the sermon was over, the congregation began to realize that there were coyotes, and lots of them nearby. They were all howling in unison. Aha! Webster sees the perfect opportunity to go grab his knife! Now, I’m not sure if the knife was really as big as it appeared or if it was merely a butter knife seriously misperceived by the fact that a tiny little hand was holding it. Either way, it was terribly amusing to see. Webster looked like a tiny little OJ.
We realize that Webster has no intention of offing anybody when in confessional he claims that he understands survival of the fittest and that when animals attack they always go for the weakest member. If you ask me, Webster’s been watching way too much Fox. Besides, I’m convinced that the animals would attack Corey if only because he’s so annoying.
That wraps up another week of The Surreal Life. Tune in next Thursday to see Corey cry!
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