Please, you misunderstand me---I'm not a stalker, really! I asked for that bikini photo only in the interest of my work. I'm a member of the press now. I know you've read my recaps, my little chickadee, and
Oh! *clicks over to NotePad* Sorry about that. I was just umm, answering some fan mail. It's time for Miss Byram to grace us with her presence. She's graceful indeed, in a shimmery metallic grey halter gown, nipped at her teeny waist. The coolness of her gunmetal hued attire does not effectively subdue her smoldering hotness. She ruins it all by talking, though, so let's move along to this week's vanity victims.
Much Ado About Nothing
As the team of experts flock around the consultation table, we are introduced to Erica Moore, a 24 year old from La Center, Washington who bears an uncanny resemblance to Melissa Joan Hart. I'm not sure she has the glass eye to complete the illusion, though. An adopted child, Erica explains that she's always felt big and ungainly next to her teeny Japanese mother. Mom goes on to express her doubt that Erica will ever be fashionably slim. Mom may be on to something, but first things first. Her tale of woe progresses through photographic proof of a pudgy teenhood, psyche damage from an bad news ex-boyfriend, and a weigh in of 240lbs. Why it's almost a Tricia Yearwood song! Left not only brokenhearted but just plain broke; she stops spending money on junk food and loses 90lbs. She points out and pinches at some minor flab on her stomach which mostly looks like pre-menstrual water retention bloat. She could sub in for Miss Hart on Sabrina the Teen-Age Witch and no one would be the wiser.
Plastic surgeon Haworth smothers a sneer of disgust as he explains that Erica has permanently damaged her body with her weigh gains and losses. I couldn't even detect stretch marks! He schedules her for abdominoplasty, liposuction in four areas, and the requisite breast augmentation. Furthermore, she needs a mid-face lift, brow lift, lip augmentation, lipo on the chin/neck area and a chin implant. Doctor Sherri Worth gives her the routine mouth makeover, but throws in some dental crowns. She's to maintain a 1,200 daily calorie intake and submit to cardio and weight-training for 6 days a week.
Her competition is Christina Ozuna, a 30 year old wife and mother from Silverdale, Washington. She's got some rejection issues, stemming from her father leaving the family due to divorce. Her husband being frequently stationed on Navy submarines does not help matters. She's a yo-yo eater as well, and is disgusted that her weight loss plateaued after only dropping 30lbs. We see her in shorts at a racetrack, looking willowy and healthy. She's got killer legs, but points out embarrassing and nonexistent saddlebags that prevent her from wearing a bathing suit. She claims she wants the program to teach her daughter about self esteem. Somehow, I think the lesson will be lost on the kid.
"Doctor" Ianni mentions that the prevalent issues Christina has to cope with are getting past her shame and overt criticism, to which Nely Galan adds that her issues with the weight loss plateau are a red flag. But since the psychoanalysis part of this show doesn't pay the bills, we find out that she needs extensive liposuction,including her knees, and breast augmentation. For her face they recommend a brow lift, rhinoplasty, chin and cheek lipo, hair removal and a photofacial which will even out her skin tone. Dr. Worth explains that Christina needs total mouth reconstruction to fix the gaps and spaces and the obvious tooth decay that's present. In addition, she's to stick to a 1,600 calorie daily intake, and go to the gym 6 days a week for a regimen of cardio to boost her metabolism.
Blood, Sweat and Tears
Christina and Erica arrive at the Makeover Mansion, located in beautiful La Ciudad de Los Angeles, California. Right off the bat it's obvious that Erica has the morale and cheer part of this thing won. She's exhibiting a bit more pizazz than Christina, even when they both realize they are sans mirrors.
Soon enough, Erica visits Dr. Haworth, who pointedly tells her she's got a lopsided face, drooping breasts, and "a sad face around her belly button" he's got to lop off. Okay, now that's just bizarre. What's he gonna do, replace it with the internationally recognized yellow smiley face? Weighing in at 160lbs, she's told to lose 30lbs. via the NutriSystem program. The five small portions a day present a problem to Erica. So does the palatability of the meals.
In between grueling workouts, Erica pays a visit to Sherri Worth. The dentist diva gives her teeth a thorough cleaning and mentions the veneers. Erica balks at this, and claims she doesn't want them. GOOD! Someone finally turns down a procedure. My attempt at a backflip in celebration is premature, as she caves in after a chat with her parents. She really is a Momma's girl. Out goes the decay and in goes the Chiclets.
As for Christina, our little trooper isn't doing half as well. Her dental consultation reveals years of neglect. There's a grody shot of her exposed denticles, resembling for all the world a movie still from Jaws. Three teeth later, she's left shaken and stirred from it all. The teeth tragedy doesn't help boost her enthusiasm for the gymnasium. She's supposed to be doing high levels of cardio for half an hour spurts in order to lose 30lbs. Her trainer scoffs that Christina expects the surgery to be her main source of weight loss. Hah!
Dr. Dubrow rains on her parade by telling her that her nose needs plenty of reconstruction, much like Atlanta did after the Civil War. What about her boob job? For the first time, Christina cracks a smile, and demands DD mammaries. Dubrow has severe reservations, citing that they will be too big for her frame. She won't budge. Neither will her chest, after all is said and done.
Surgery day dawns for our girls. Erica doggedly hangs on to her chipper attitude, even after she's lipo'ed, and has her breasts leveled. Everything proceeds normally and she's cleared for her facial work. In goes a new chin and I think they snuck in a nose job, judging from the bandages about her head. The good sport even gives a thumbs up!
In contrast, Christina seems panicky and depressed as she gets her face marked up for her surgeries. Who can rightly blame her, seeing as the left side of her nose gets broken in order to straighten it. Yikes. As a consolation, she gets her double D's.
Chin up, Girls!
Christina calls her trainer "insane". Glad to see some things never change. She's irritated with herself for being weak. Erica is doing much better even though she's not dropping the weight fast enough. She has 18 leftover pounds to shed, yet Christina is looking pretty toned. Maybe hatefulness burns up calories? Some things are so unfair.
Curmudgeonly Christina gets in trouble with Dr. Dubrow for removing her chin strap. It leads to blood accumulation in the throat and eventual nodules. Two weeks later they resort to corrective surgery to fix the problem. She gets threatened with steroid shots. Nely Galan decides to confront her. Galan plays Christina's audition tape back to her, and then brings up the lack of commitment to her workouts, cheating on her diet, lifting her arms after her boob job, and her refusal to wear the cursed chin strap. Finally, there's an emotional catharsis.
Self proclaimed therapist Ianni surmises that Mom is to blame for Erica's emotional issues. She encourages her to participate in some pretty useless role playing session and concludes that Erica seeks approval and still sees herself as a child in many ways.
Welcome to the Ta-Ta Tribe
Time for our first reveal and the final verdicts of Team Expert. In regards to Christina, Nely renumerates all the problems she had getting into the program. Her desire to control her family from afar interfered with her progress. Dubrow calls her transformation amazing.
Enter Christina, clad in an unflattering filmy draped gown in midnight blue and a blazing white chevron up front. The purpose of the white accent is to emphasize her ginormous rack. Curiously, she's not smiling, but her face isn't too grotesque, with only her bleached and newly refined eyebrows standing out. Feathered hair waving gently, she leaves the idle chitchat with Amanda to go to the curtained mirror. Upon seeing her reflection, she sobs, then breaks out in a big tile-toothed grin and blurts out that she likes her boobage and teeth the
Pinata Zenyatta Mondatta
In strides Erica, squeezing into a hot pink strapless sheath that is about two sizes too small. Though the doctors reveal they are pleased with her physical and mental transformation, it's plain to see that she's still pretty pudgy, with flabby, thick arms. Her augmentation doesn't help her figure at all. She no longer looks like Melissa Joan Hart. Picture Jennifer Coolidge in her puffy lipped glory, except Erica's not looking much like a MILF. At her reveal, she exclaims "these are so perky!" Her breasts, not her lips, silly kids! She's clearly delusional, as she's still a big girl. She's oddly pinata-like. I expected Smarties and gumballs to start flying out of her when Amanda patted her on the back.
Both ladies enter the final stretch united in hand. Christina is still glum looking and can't seem to hold her arms flush against her body due to her chestworks. Erica tries to take as deep a breath as her dress allows. And the winner is...
Erica Moore. Wow. I thought the bouncing bazookas would be enough to propel Christina to the pageant, but she never totally submitted her heart and soul to the Swan regimen. She's greeted by her friends, family, minus the sub-marooned husband. Amanda is continually accosted and hugged by Erica, much to my chagrin. Back off, lady. I know where you live!
If you have any Amanda Byram glossies to sell me, send 'em to