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Thread: 11/01 Recap: The Swan 2 "The $34,600 Woman"

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    Rude and Abrasive Texicana's Avatar
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    11/01 Recap: The Swan 2 "The $34,600 Woman"

    I'm not Amanda Byram. I don't have her beauty spot. Heck, I'm not even Irish. But I am your fun-filled recapper for this season's passel of Swan episodes. Shall we begin? If so, stop looking for flaws with your magnified mirror and let's live vicariously for a moment or two.

    Gentlemen, We Can Rebuild Her

    Perennial hostess Amanda starts us off with her usual sales pitch, introducing the two new women who are offering themselves up to the Beauty Gods. What follows is a fromaggy montage featuring the show "experts", who are most proficient at giving themselves accolades.

    We Have The Technology

    First up is Gina Davis, a 38 year old wife and mother who's only had 10% use of one ear for the past 35 years, probably due to a bout of pneumonia. She recounts the horrors of being teased as a child, not because of her looks, but mainly her disability and discordant speech pattern. Thanks to the schoolyard hellions, Gina has self esteem issues with her weight and lack of chin. I think she's lovely. To add to her burden, she seems to have married the Incredible Hulk, a complete brute with anger management problems.

    Amanda asks mail order therapist, "Doctor" Ianni, what emotional scars Gina has to heal within herself. It's as simple as learning to stand up for herself. The plastic surgeons and dentist predictably have a laundry list of physical imperfections that they have to fix, STAT. I couldn't see much wrong with Gina, but what do I know? They are dead set on giving this woman a mess of physical scars. Gina is signed up for:

    Liposuction of the hips($2,400), breast job($4,000), tummy tuck($5,000), chin implant($3,000), eye lift($6,000), nose job($6,000), brow lift($3,000), fat transfer to lips($900), zoom bleaching of teeth($800), gum recontouring($1,500), Da Vinci porcelain veneers($2,000) and 3 months of weekly therapy($100 per hour, 5 hours a week, for 3 months=$6,000)
    Grand total=$34,600


    But hold on to your love-handles! We now meet Lorri Arrias, the 34 year old California mother who Amanda gleefully announces is the ugly duckling who has to endure the most surgical procedures ever! Lorri also has low self esteem, stemming from a verbally abusive mother who called her fat. This naturally lead to bouts of overeating. Lorri resorted to stuffing food in pillowcases, much like hamsters and their cheek pouches. Her husband died without ever seeing her nude, even after a tremendous weight loss of 120 pounds, because she's been left with crepey loose skin on her abdomen and feels "melted and ugly". Lorri will undergo:

    Face lift($5,000), tummy tuck($5,000), inner thigh lift($2,000), breast lift/nipple relocation($4,000), liposuction of the knees($3,500), nose job($6,000), brow lift($3,000), eye lift($6,000), fat transfer to lips($900), zoom bleaching of teeth($800), gum recontouring($1,500), Da Vinci porcelain veneers($2,000) and Nutrisystem diet plan(3 months, at $68.74 a week=$624.88)
    Grand total=$40,524.88*


    The World's First Bionic Woman

    The ladies arrive in the City of Angels and move into their respective mirrorless apartments. Plastic surgeon Haworth states the obvious, that Lorri's former obesity has left her with Sharpei-like saggy skin. He rudely points out her stomach, adding that he plans on repositioning most of her midsection for a total body lift. It'll be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet...erm, I mean, most dramatic *makeover* yet.
    Gina's initial consult is largely unnecessary. Our surgeons deem her face uneven and lacking in symmetry. Okay, if you say so. Her nose isn't small enough and she needs a chin.

    Dentist Sherri Worth wants to leave both ladies with radiant Colgate smiles. Lorri is thrown for a loop when she's informed a tooth has to go, due to an infection. And here she thought her teeth were the one part of her that was A-OK. Her face is doodled on in preparation for some facial work, but she calls home first and cries, ruining the Magic Marker map spread across her cheeks. She's also told that she's going to have a buttock lift($1,800).* Two weeks later she has the remainder of her face work done,complete with shots of pinkish fat sucked out of her. I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth. She's left looking like she lost a few rounds with Laila Ali. Even later, after suffering the indignity of having her stomach folds prodded and kneaded, she has her final lifts and augmentations.

    Gina also receives the Etch-A-Sketch lines across the face. She opts to call her loutish husband David, with the aid of a nurse, who looks really pained to have to tell Gina he really hasn't much support to offer. Crestfallen over the call, she's told by Haworth that her surgery will be "difficult" and that she may not have enough cartilege in her nose for him to work with. Could it be because she doesn't need a nose job? He somehow succeeds. Gina recovers under the supervision of the team of experts, even though she suffers a setback in the form of bad news from home. Hurricane Frances has huffed, puffed, and blown her house down. Her mother reassures Gina her family is well, and convinces the distraught woman to stay.

    Who Will Be That Woman?

    Gina is in a severe funk, most likely from realizing she got all this bogus surgery done for the sake of TV ratings. In true Swan fashion, the best cure for what ails her is a visit from a complete stranger, former contestant Merline. In a brilliant attempt to extend her fifteen minutes of quasi-fame, she delivers a pep talk via sign language.

    Lorri is on her own, no fame 'ho visit for her. She naturally calls home and whimpers as she talks with her kids. Determined to leave, she packs up her bags, but somehow the plucky children convince her to stay for one more month. Will she see the program through to it's overwrought end?

    Better Than She Was Before

    Reveal ceremony time! The himbos part the door for Gina Davis. She's clad in a wine colored sequined gown, and has a penchant for striking a Price is Right model "arm up in the air" pose. They've ruined her looks, frankly, from her ratty extensions to her pinched up nose. Amanda forces a rictus that she hopes passes for a smile, and coaxes her up to the curtained mirror. After the requisite pause, she pulls the curtains open and promptly shrieks, shattering her new hearing aide. Gina has morphed into a game show hostess. Vanna, watch your back!

    The manservants pull the doors open to allow for Lorri's entrance. She's in a dowdy black ribbed dress and pumps. Not even some cleavage can help her. But I'm nitpicking, because she looks stunning. Her transformation might be the best one yet. The work blends in flawlessly, making her look natural and decades younger. She gazes in the mirror, subdued, taking in her trim figure. I was touched. For once the experts should be justifiably proud of their efforts.

    Better, Stronger, Faster

    Who will be our next fine feathered femme? The ladies clasp hands and try to smile convincingly at one another. Amanda takes a long time to open the envelope. Is beautiful, poised, and transformed Lorri the lass who gets to advance to pageantry? No, it's haggard and pinchy Gina. What outrage! Lorri is dismissed into the embrace of family members, head held high. After all, she got a free overhaul!

    Desiccated winner Gina keeps telling her family and friends that she can't believe she's going to the pageant. For what it's worth, I can't believe it either, honey.

    Are you Amanda Byram's grade school chum? Let's dish at texicana@fansofrealitytv.com
    Last edited by Texicana; 11-02-2004 at 08:44 AM.
    " I look like Nigella Lawson with a $#*!ing hangover."

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    FORT Fogey Muduh's Avatar
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    Texi, I loved this. You said what I thought but much better than I could ever say it. I look forward to your next effort.
    Way to go!

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    Scrappy Spartan Broadway's Avatar
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    After the requisite pause, she pulls the curtains open and promptly shrieks, shattering her new hearing aide
    ACK... and yes, she was quite pinchy! Boooo... bad choice, Swan doods!

    Great job, Texie!!!
    Never let the things you want make you forget about the things you have.

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    Premium Member FinallyHere's Avatar
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    Great Job Texie!! I missed the show but that didn't matter after reading your recap.
    Some people are like slinkies, they're useless until you push them down the stairs.

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    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Texi, You caught it! Wonderfully done down to the hair extension-why does everyone have to have the extensions? Although I don't think our last mother had them-she looked great! Also, if you have veneers put on, why do you also have to have the bleaching? Isn't that being overdone? Or would your own teeth color show? Wouldn't it be great to get a woman who turned down the hair?

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    Rude and Abrasive Texicana's Avatar
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    To answer your question real quick famita, yes, the bleaching will penetrate the veneers and show through

    Thanks for the postitive feedback everyone, it means a lot to me!
    " I look like Nigella Lawson with a $#*!ing hangover."

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    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    To add to her burden, she seems to have married the Incredible Hulk, a complete brute with anger management problems.


    But hold on to your love-handles!

    In true Swan fashion, the best cure for what ails her is a visit from a complete stranger, former contestant Merline.

    Determined to leave, she packs up her bags, but somehow the plucky children convince her to stay for one more month. Will she see the program through to it's overwrought end?
    Excellent job, Texie

    I'm too squeamish to watch the show, but I'll definitely be sure to catch the recaps

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    Plotting spegs's Avatar
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    Gentlemen, We Can Rebuild Her
    I love your title theme

    I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth.
    and that is why I'll be reading your fabulous recaps instead of watching. You rock, Texi.
    "Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

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    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Great job, sweetie.

    Gina is in a severe funk, most likely from realizing she got all this bogus surgery done for the sake of TV ratings. In true Swan fashion, the best cure for what ails her is a visit from a complete stranger, former contestant Merline. In a brilliant attempt to extend her fifteen minutes of quasi-fame, she delivers a pep talk via sign language.
    Awesome.
    Amanda forces a rictus that she hopes passes for a smile, and coaxes her up to the curtained mirror.
    I fell asleep and missed this part, thank you for making it come to life for me.

    Where did you get the cost figures for the surgeries, btw?
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

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    Rude and Abrasive Texicana's Avatar
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    Lotsa googling got me the general costs of the surgical procedures
    Last edited by Texicana; 11-02-2004 at 11:32 AM.
    " I look like Nigella Lawson with a $#*!ing hangover."

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