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Thread: The FORTastic Top Moments in Reality May 23-29

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    The new me! Feifer's Avatar
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    The FORTastic Top Moments in Reality May 23-29

    Each week the FORT team of mods and writers team up to compile the best and most memorable moments in reality television. Pull up a chair and join us as we review our favorite moments from the week of May 23-29


    It's, Like, Deep Stuff, Man!
    How apropos! If any viewers out there are feeling bitter, cynical, or perhaps just a tad confused as to why they're still watching American Idol, they recently aired a special just for you! AI: The Phenomenon gave us the history of the show, as well as why we watch it. So, why do we watch it? Some say it's a commentary on society, and it allows us to let our ids explode by giggling at inopportune times (like Randy and Simon during some auditions), feeding off confrontation (Simon vs. the rest of the free world), and reacting with bluntness in the face of the proverbial trainwrecks. Simon says that the show is popular because it's the modern-day equivalent of the Christians and the lions. Others cite it's a positive force--allowing families to watch together, giving everybody something to talk about, and putting the American public in control of the careers of young hopefuls who might otherwise be flipping burgers. Very philosophical, isn't it?

    We did learn some interesting factoids, though: This season, the judges had to endure 1,152 Whitney Houston covers. Randy Jackson has lost 117.5 pounds. Randy has, unbelievably, called somebody "dawg" only 25 times. It takes 15 hair products to hold Ryan Seacrest's hair in place, which slays the theory that he simply wakes up that way each day. Fashion-consciousness is also evident as Paula's finger-bandage was polka-dotted to match her dress. Gloria Estefan plans her recording schedule around AI. And most importantly, Fox can put an amazing amount of filler on television and have people still watch it.


    Luck Be a Lady
    Women dominated the game throughout the premiere episode of the second cycle of Bravo’s Celebrity Poker Showdown. As Rosario Dawson so poetically phrased it, there were “three vaginas at the table,” including Rosario, Mena Suvari, and Wanda Sykes. The two actresses and comedienne bested and out-breasted the male players, sending Jerome Bettis and Travis Tritt crying to the Losers' Lounge. Mena Suvari proved a surprisingly aggressive player; apparently the wooden quality that makes her such a crappy actress gives her the perfect poker face. Wanda provided non-stop trash talk and side-splitting laughter, all while sweeping up the chips until only she and Rosario were left at the table. Ultimately, the woman on top proved to be Rosario, the novice, who won the game only after catching a pair for her nine kicker on the river--despite the fact that with a king & ace kicker Wanda looked poised to take it all.


    No Pain, No Gain (or Record Contract)
    I tell you, being a singer is hazardous work! On Wednesday evening's American Idol finale, we watched as 19-year-old Fantasia Barrino was crowned the American Idol amidst much fanfare, song medleys, confetti, and, of course, tears. Diana DeGarmo was the runner-up, but I didn't really need to say that, did I? The girls were probably lucky to merely be in one piece by the end of the show, as Fantasia managed to break not only her necklace and shoe in the joyous final duet between the pair, but--horror of all horrors--a fingernail! Diana, on the other hand, looked as if she were nearly strangled in the duo's bear hug as the results were announced. As this season finale ends, many unanswered questions remain. Why were Simon and Randy wearing matching jackets? Where did the other half of Paula's dress go? Why is LaToya London now under lock and key? And, will Ryan Seacrest ever stop using his silly closing catch-phrase? Perhaps these are secrets man is not meant to know. Until we meet again, let's not hold our collective breaths to see what talent Anchorage, Alaska has to offer.


    Didn't We Already See a Reunion Show?
    Yet again, ABC seems convinced the Bachelor couple, Jesse and Jessica, aren't interesting enough on their own. (well, that's true) For this week's "After the Final Rose" episode, the blandly cute couple had to share the spotlight with runner-up Tara, queen beyatch Trish, and Jen Scheft, who won the heart of bachelor Andrew Firestone two seasons -- no, three... well, during one of the other Bachelor seasons. While Tara and Trish competed to out-spite each other, and Scheft explained her breakup with Firestone and quelled rumors of a romance between herself and Apprentice winner Bill Rancic, Jesse and Jessica were... well, what were they doing? Did anybody notice them? Were they onscreen more than 15 minutes out of the hour? Does anyone care? Here's hoping they'll be happy being boring together.


    The Odd Couple
    If you’ve been watching NBC’s The Restaurant, you already know the tension between sometime chef/wanna-be celebrity Rocco Despirito and restaurant owner Jeffrey Chodorow has been simmering for weeks (most likely, however, you have not, which is why NBC has yanked the series). Just as it appears that their animosity is about to roil to a violent boil, a group of psychiatrists just happens to be dining at the restaurant. What a coinky-dink! Rocco, as he does his rounds hitting on female clientele, stumbles upon the table of head doctors, and before you know it is confiding in them faster than you can say “Anne Sexton on a bender.” They manage to talk Rocco into calling Jeffrey over to the table (or, more likely, the producers of the show manage to get the psychiatrists to get Rocco to call Jeffrey to the table) and launch into an impromptu therapy session. One shrink refers to Jeffrey and Rocco as a “couple” and says that as such they could only be arguing about one of three things: “sex, children, or money.” "I am not motivated by money," Jeffrey claims. Oh, okay, then it must be the sex that’s getting stale. The quacks—I mean, licensed professionals—do actually manage to get the guys to talk and even call a temporary cease-fire. "We really like each other,” Jeffrey claims, “You just can't tell." Yup, the same way the viewing audience must like the show, because that's not readily apparent either.

    With thanks to this week’s writers: Greenie, Mantenna, SnowflakeGirl and Lucy.
    It occurred to me that no matter how bleak things might seem at times, at least I have a head. ----Stargazer

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    FORT Fogey Clipse's Avatar
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    Great job again everyone

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    FORT Fogey
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    Superb! funny like always

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    FORT Fan val123elephant's Avatar
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    my my my....Feifer, guess what? When you covered the Celebrity Poker Showdown it reminded me that Gail O'Grady is playing on behalf of The Elephant Sanctuary on August 5th.

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