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Top 10 Moments in Reality TV, Dec. 8-14
Each week, our writers nominate and write about our favorite moments from among the reality shows on TV. Here's the list for the week of December 8-14:
10. All I want for Christmas is Six New Scooters
Ahhh, too bad itís not jolly olí St. Nick that heard your plea. Instead this wish went out to the demented minds behind Fear Factor. Yes, Virginia, there are some scooters, and all you have to do is manage to ride it across a plank. Lengthwise. Suspended way up in the sky. All six Fear Factor contestants had the opportunity to win themselves nifty electric scooter Christmas Presents. Too bad not a single one could make it across. It was like watching COPS when they give sobriety tests to the drunkards they pull over weekly. All six contestants weaved and wobbled and lost their scooters to the pavement below.
9. Dudes, where's your cyclo?
Those words were right on Phil's tongue as Derek and Drew staggered helplessly into the Pit Stop without having gotten a clue. Unfortunately for them, Ken and Gerard got a little help from Flo, who's already proven all season that she can't keep her mouth shut. Derek and Drew were eliminated because of this gaffe. I guess that to them, the Vietnamese aren't "Numba One" any more.
8. Here fishy fishy
What would make a cozy night on the beach by the fire that much better? Fish. Fresh fish. No need to order out when you have an ocean right behind you. Ozzy grabs a fishing pole, some cheese, and begins his quest. No, that wasnít a typo, he used cheese for bait. Now Iíve heard of catfish, but... mousefish?
7. Saving the Birdie For Clay
It only seems appropriate really. After all Clay is the one who brought the golf club. Once again Brian earns a ranking in the Top Ten List. He confides in all those watching Survivor that he has his minions in order. He illustrates this point by holding up three fingers. His pinkie, his ring finger, and the tall man. First we meet Grandma Jan his "wild card"... down goes the pinkie. Next comes Helen his "soldier" and down comes the ring finger. Yes, if youíve been paying attention you know we are treated to the site of Brianís middle finger standing tall, and an "oops" slipping out as he grins and describes Clay as his "friend" then slowly folds down the birdie.
6. If only your finger were longer
Picture yourself in a nice mountain cabin. Thereís fake snow on the windows and the fire is blazing. stockings are hung with care filled with candy and numbers. Numbers? Yes, and whichever number you pick is the amount of reindeer testicles you have to eat. Yes, of course, this is Fear Factor and for Darline the magic number is 6. Too bad for her she has the oh-so-classy Lane sitting next to her, trying to stick his finger down his throat far enough to cause him to throw up while sheís eating. For some reason eating 10 himself wasnít enough to cause him to call Ralph. He couldnít get himself, or Darline to puke no matter how many nasty noises he made, or how far down that finger went. They both moved on, but somehow I think they will be getting stockings full of Reindeer crap from Santa this year!
5. You better watch out, You better not whine, Better not pout I'm telling you why, Santa Zach ain't cutting in line.
So much for good will towards mankind. The nasty Flo was whinig and puffing again. This time it was at Vietnam's customs where Flo and Zach decided to get in two different lines. Flo, of course, went in the same line as Drew so that she could continue her shameless flirting with him. Flo's line was moving faster so she asked Zach to cut in her line. For whatever reason, Zach refused to do that. That got Ms. Whiny all bent all out of shape and she went on like a broken record how SHE's been doing ALL the hardwork, and SHE didn't come this far just to have Zach cost them race, AGAIN. Pleeeezzze!! Not only is Flo a Whine Monster but she's also delusional. For one, Zach is the one that deserves any credit for getting the team this far, and being 7 minutes behind the other team does not make or break the team. I don't think Santa needs to check his list twice. This Whiny Brat should be getting a lump of coal for Christmas!
4. Oz vs. the Ocean
In his attempt to land a big one, Ozzy takes the fight right to the fish. With fishing pole and cheese in hand, he shuffles out in the surf to begin the hunt. After much cursing, Mother Nature deals the Prince of Darkness a mighty blow, sending a wave that knocks him on his ass. It was a bitter defeat, but we all had a good laugh.
Ocean - 1
Ozzy - 0
3. I'm a goodd speeler
Proving that even dyslexics can make it to the Final Four, Big Ted got to take a Raod Trip in his brand-new Chevy Avalanche. I'm sure that smells good, after having had five Survivors who haven't showered in 35 days bouncing around in it. He took Helen with him to discuss strategy, have food and a shower, get really wasted, and then get pushed and prodded by a Clay-sized Thai masseuse. Ted getting drunk ranks up there with one of the most hilarious segments Survivor's ever seen. People will be talking about this, along with the "dying on the side of the road" speech from Sue, for years to come.
2. My Gerard, What Big Eyes You Have
Little Red Whining Pants gave Ken and Gerard some critical information on The Amazing Race, securing team Oh Brother a spot in the final 3. We may never know if Flo realized, that by telling the brothers not only that they needed their Cylco before boarding the Ferry, but also where to get it, she helped hammer the last nail into the coffin of her flirting pal Drew. Gerard was shocked when the information tumbled out of her mouth in a whiney soprano. He stared momentarily unable to blink or move. Ken got him going and these two managed to miss elimination.
And, our number one moment of the week...
1. Everything I needed to know I learned from Jeff
I just didnít listen. Every single remaining Survivor listened carefully as Jeff gave them directions for this weeks reward challenge. He repeated the directions again, just incase tribe members were busy reciting recipes in their heads, flashing back to home movies, eulogizing bats, checking out Jeffís bum, or trying to think of purple elephants instead of Ghandia. Jeff then repeated again that the castaways were indeed, at that very moment, standing on their first clue. They had to collect all the clues to finish the challenge. You could hear the laughter a mile away as every one of them ran right off into the jungle and away from clue number one. Iím not sure if it was more fun to watch them run or to see the expression on Jeffs face as he yelled again "YOU ARE STANDING ON THE FIRST CLUE". Personally, I wouldnít have bothered telling them. Iím sure that would have been the most fun of all.
Although this is a compilation from various writers, if you'd like to comment on anything, you may e-mail John at email@example.com and I'll pass on your thoughts.
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