Each week the FORT team of mods and writers team up to compile the best and most memorable moments in reality television. Pull up a chair and join us as we review our favorite moments from the week of April 11-17
Revenge is the Pits
Revenge tastes like a salty armpit, according to this week's episode of High School Reunion 2. Sophomore chickies Heather, Amanda, and Stacy are all upset about the past, and the death threats, party brawls, and evil taunts they received courtesy of seniors Denise and company. The victims think it's about damn time to smack 'em up with some payback, and while the classmates fixate their eyes upon the shaky hips and undulating temptations of male and female fire spinners and hula dancers, they fly up to the seniors' room and trash the place. Toilet paper on the fans, shaving cream on any flat surface, and mattresses askew, the girls giggle their way through mayhem with merriment. Particularly gleeful is one, Miss Heather F., who finds Denise's toothbrush, and vigorously scrapes her armpits with it. The senior girls eventually discover the mess, but no one knows of Heather's secret armpit revenge, and we end the night with Denise scrubbing her teeth with the pit brush.
Thank you Mr. Tarantino. May I have another?
Quentin Tarantino appeared as the guest judge on this week’s American Idol. Now most previous guest judges have been singers or songwriters and very familiar with this aspect of show business. Other than being a huge fan of the show and including cool music in his movies, Mr. Tarrantino knows as much about singing as William Hung. But that did not stop him from giving his opinions. He started out pleasant and looked to be heading down the way of the other guest judges who are too afraid to say anything constructive. Not too long into the show, though, he started handing out backhanded compliments such as the one to John Stevens, “Let me first say I’m not a fan of yours. But this is your genre and you did really terrific.” But his gem of the night was handed to Diana Degarmo when he said, “"You pulled off the notes, but so what? I felt like there was a wall of glass between us." This stunned the audience and even warranted a few “awws” by the crowd. One may wonder if he’s just getting out some frustration about his own lack of success.
I Spy a Gold-digging Biyatch
When the latest season of The Bachelor began, ABC trumpeted its latest twist – a friend of Bachelor Jesse, planted amongst the bachelorettes to spy on them. So when bachelorette Trish railed to the other women that she dates rich men and doesn’t like messy children – or, really, any children, it seems -- viewers rejoiced that Jesse would eventually be informed of Trish’s snotty personality, since she wasn’t showing it to him. But when the spy – revealed to be Jenny S., like that was a surprise to anyone here at the FORT – got her chance to put Jesse wise, she said only that Trish is high-maintenance. That’s an understatement on the level of saying uber-cheerleader Julie is just a tad perky. Jesse gave Trish a rose, proving the old adage, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
Been Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places. . . .
What do you get when you have two “ugly ducklings” undergoing makeovers at the same time, and then (as fate would have it) develop feelings for one another? Well, you have love at second sight, of course! Extreme Makeover contestant James Bower felt so empowered during his recovery from plastic surgery that he used the uber-cool pick-up line of “how are things are going?” on fellow contestant Kacie Searcy--and scored! So happy were they with their final looks, they proclaimed: He: “She is drop dead gorgeous.” She: “He is seriously hot.” Word has it that wedding bells are planned for November.
What a Difference an "H" Makes
During the live second hour of the finale of The Apprentice, the dun-domed Donald finally revealed to the world who the winner of his highly-rated 13 week dramality job interview would be. Instead of his trademark "You're fired," Trump said, "You're hired," to Chi-town cigar hawker done good, Bill Rancic. Faced with a choice between managing Trump properties in Chicago or Los Angeles, Bill naturally chose the 90-story building project in the Windy City (presumably so he could be in town for FORT's October convention). Nevertheless, it was a tight race between Bill and Harvard MBA Kwame Jackson. Omarosa remained a controversial figure of the series till the very end, as it was the way Kwame treated a situation with her (in which she lied to him to cover up a transportation snafu with Jessica Simpson) that largely determined Trump's decision.
The Pen is Mightier than the Sword, but the Phone is Mightier than the Pen Salesman
Ladies and gentlemen, the pen has run out of ink. That's right--on the American Idol results show, Jon Peter Lewis became the next bootee, joined in the bottom three by Diana Degarmo and John Stevens. Whether you are wealful or woeful about this news, there still remain many important questions unanswered: Was he a Bic or a MontBlanc? Blue ink or black ink . . . perhaps red? Fountain-tipped or microball? (Yes, I'll let Ryan Seacrest take off with that one.) Sadly, we may never know just who (or what) the real JPL is.
Come Again Some Other Day. . . .
Once again, our old friend irony has made a striking appearance on national television. Remember how the first few shows on Survivor All-Stars consisted almost exclusively of the contestants' lack-of-water blues? Now--as luck would have it--they have no problem with lack of water. The firepit has become a lake, the path through the jungle is a river, and the Chaboga Mogo shelter has a nifty, new, completely au naturel swimming pool. Between the heavy nightly rains and this week's letters-from-home tears gushing forth, all dry spells are but a vague memory. Alas. Perhaps nature has overruled everything in this season, as the strategy, seemingly, has become as predictable as the Panama rain.
If At First You Don't Succeed, Try A Briefcase Full Of Money
After Bill was named The Apprentice, he was reunited with the former candidates, including the always unpredictable Sam. The third to be eliminated, Sam made no bones about his desire to be hired by his idol, The Donald. So eager to be in Trump's employ that Sam chose the reunion to make him an offer he couldn't refuse. Or could he? To the surprise of everyone, Sam presented Trump with a suitcase of $250,000, offering it to him in exchange for a position in his company. Without missing a beat, The Donald took the briefcase and told Sam he'd think about it. No word if the 'boot licker' position within the Trump Organization is available.
With thanks to this week’s writers: Greenie, Lucy, Mantenna, Miss Filangi, Shazzer, Snowflakegirl