Each week the FORT team of mods and writers team up to compile the best and most memorable moments in reality television. Pull up a chair and join us as we review our favorite moments from the week of April 4-10
Why You Should Always Listen to Your Mother
You'd think he would have learned his lesson after being dumped by Melana for the young, hunky, wannabe weatherman. But this week on the finale of Average Joe, Adam proved that even average guys have the capacity to be like all the plasticine ex-cheerleaders and Ken-doll Bachelors on reality dating shows: i.e., stupid, shallow and horn-doggish. When faced with his decision between cosmetic-spackled, spoiled, Barney's-shopping Daddy's girl Samantha or the nice, normal schoolteacher Rachel (whom his mother so loved that she approached Adam with a tearful entreaty not to let this "perfect girl" go), Adam is torn between listening to the advice of his family, or the advice of his penis. Family. Penis. Family. Penis. Ultimately, the penis wins, and Adam chooses Samantha with whom he felt an overwhelming "attraction." Not sure how auspicious this coupling will prove in the long run, as Samantha already has one lapdog. How will she deal with two?
Pain in the What Exactly?
Someone please clarify something. On this weeks episode of Survivor the viewers learned that Rob won the Tylenol Push Through The Pain award. Just what pain did Rob go through? Could it be that there are bleeding hearts out there that think he deserves on because Ambah got switched to a new tribe? Did some viewers not get to see a good “face-into-a-tree” shot? Did we miss the “back-slammed-into-a-rock” footage? If Rob truly won for losing his poor sweet Ambah, I’m switching to Excedrin.
Liar Liar Pants on Fire
You’ve gotta love it when a bald-faced liar gets caught in the act. You have to love it more when that liar is caught on national television. So perhaps that’s why Donald Trump and The Apprentice crew haven’t outright called drama-queen Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth a liar up to this point – they knew they had footage to prove it. In this week’s The Apprentice, the already-fired Omarosa returned as an employee on finalist Kwame’s team. Put in charge of transportation for a Jessica Simpson concert, Omarosa refuses to tell the rest of the team anything about a call she received concerning a problem. Later, when Kwame finds out about the problem, Omarosa scuttles to cover her ass. Oh, right, she DID get a call at dinner last night, but she had no idea what it was about! It was just a message telling her to call into the office! She left a message but didn’t connect with anyone! Which. Is. A lie. And it’s caught on tape. And so is Omarosa. Hopefully this will put an end to her round of “poor me I was edited badly” talk show appearances. And hopefully Kwame will bounce her lying butt out on the sidewalk in the show’s finale this week. Then maybe she’ll know what it really feels like to connect with concrete.
Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me . . . Please?!
How often do you get the distinguished privilege of rockin' out to the strains of Sir Elton John on national TV? Well, the American Idol final nine got that very opportunity on Tuesday night's edition. Not only that, they also met Sir Elton, himself, as they gathered around him and his famous red piano for rehearsal. Did they use the mentoring to their best advantage and sing their little hearts out on the show? Um . . . not exactly. Some managed to wow us with the tunes we all know and hum along to, but others were enough to make you go burn down the mission. Though Sir Elton was not available to appear as a guest judge for the actual show, he gave his impressions of all of the contestants and also snarkily weighed in on the voting trends this season: "It just shows there are a bunch of idiots out there."
Aloha, Yellow Brick Road
Some say that youth is wasted on the young. Who knows? All philosophical ramblings aside, the youngin's didn't fare too well on the American Idol results show this week. In a rare instance of switching up the good-bye routine, Ryan divided the nine contestants into three groups, with two groups being safe, and the final group becoming . . . *gasp* . . . the bottom three! *Dun dun dun!* Group A, comprising George, Jennifer, and LaToya, was the first trio sent back to safety. Group B, populated by Fantasia, John, and Jon, was also safe. Holy Moses, have I been deceived? Jasmine, Camile, and Diana--the three youngest gals in the competition--were left in the danger zone. Ultimately, Camile was not the one left still standing. Note to contestants: Don't sing songs with titles that could predict your own demise.
Fowl Play On Fox
What do you do with two average-looking women with low self esteem? Well, if you are Fox, you begin by calling these normal women “ugly ducklings” on national TV. Then you make them as beautiful as they possibly can be by sending in a team of experts to buff, polish, cut and mold them into plastic perfection. Finally, you tell one of them that the still aren’t beautiful enough by passing them over for entry into a beauty pageant.
That’s the uncomfortable premise of the new series, “The Swan,” which premiered this past week on Fox. This series follows two participants through extreme cosmetic procedures and recovery, and then “unveil” their new look. The twist to this show is that each episode, two of the participants must compete against each other for a spot in a beauty pageant.
Hopefully, Fox has also provided a team of psychologists to deal with the emotional aftermath that some of these rejected “swans” might face.
Dumb as a Bag Full of Rocks
This week marked the premiere for version 5 ( or 7 if you count the girls) of The Bachelor. Our Boy Jesse Palmer, back up quarter back for the NY Giants ( or Jersey Giants if you want to get technical), pulled the ultimate Homer Doh. After being warned it was the last rose by our old friend hostChris, he called the wrong name. Instead of simply demanding an extra rose like Meredith did last version , he wanted to strip the poor girl of the offending rose. He followed up by calling attention to fact that poor Katie wasn't wanted but asked her to stay anyway. She agreed - poor thing. He then gave the now really really last rose to Botoxed pageant gal Karen. Karen had previously told Jesse that football players and pageant girls were both considered as dumb as a bag of rocks , so it's obviously a love connection. Tune in next week to see if Katie gets some self esteem, and for scenes from the sluttiest bachelorette ever.
A Severe Case of Indigestion
We all know of Lex's Delphian gut--apparently endowed with the ability to predict merges and whom to trust in the game of Survivor. This week the long-awaited merge finally materialized, bringing spiffy new blue buffs, the name "Chaboga Mogo," and a chance for the driver's seat to our favorite tattooed dude. After all, Boston Rob would surely stay true to his promise to take care of Lex, right? I suppose we all found out what the word of this construction worker was worth . . . Lex was smacked out of the tribe without a second thought, or even a grace period in thanks for saving Amber. Alas. Farewell, Lex. Your gut didn't serve you too well. Better get it checked out, as well as that severe pain in your back.
From Geeky to Beeky
Lenny, "the nerd" gets a make-over on this week's episode of High School Reunion 2. Lenny gets his first hallpass ever, and the women decide that before he's "good enough" to ask one of the laydays out, he needs to be spiffed up. Lenny's reluctant to chop his long locks, believing his coolhood will be sucked away ala Samson if his be gone. According to Lenny, the only thing standing between him and a giant nerd-beacon, is his lustrous Kling-on hair. Reluctantly he agrees, and soon his hair is shorn into a very short 'do. When he sees himself for the first time, he gives us the Beeker look, ala the Muppets, and we half expect to hear a, "mi mi mi mi mi". Instead, the girls squeal in delight, Lenny feels sexy, and his classmates greet him with ape-like hoots and hollers. Instead of ruining his life, the new 'do appears to give him more confidence, and he ends up on a happy hallpass with one of the ladies of the house.
With thanks to this week’s contributors: SnowflakeGirl, cali, Lucy, Mantenna, Stargazer, eny and Shazzer