Each week, our writers rate and compile the top 10 moments that happened in Reality TV. And here they are, for November 10 - 16.
10. Everyone Hide! Christi's Back In Town!
Boil a bunny. Make inappropriate advances on one guy while surrounded by 5 other women at a winery. Cry when someone hurts your feelings and proclaim that it "hurt your heart." Bawl on national television and profess your love for a man you don't even know. Get really good at skee ball. Apparently, Christi has found the key to men's hearts around the nation! From crying at the winery to backstabbing at the house to begging on the carousel, on The Bachelor Reunion show, a seemingly normal Christi claims that more guys ask her out NOW since she was shown as a psycho nutbar on television than ever before! So what is it that men really want? Well, apparently we confident self sufficient women have it all wrong. Men are looking for Christi - insecure, emotional, psychopath pageant princesses!
9. How Far Is Mark Furhman’s Reach?
Let’s see…. We have two foreigners walking around a town… not bad. They are in a non touristy village….not bad. They are looking for a specific place…. Not bad. They are carrying large backpacks…. Not bad. THEY ARE AFRICAN AMERICAN! Call the police! Taking a page out of the Mark Furhman “How To Spot A Bad Guy” book, the police in Marrakech “detained” the brothers (no, not siblings), Andre and Damon on last weeks Amazing Race. Luckily for these two, the security team was able to buy their way out. The question remains… was it out of team 911’s emergency cash?
8. What Do You Get......
When you cross an idiot, a cab driver and a whineroo? An idiveroo, of course that makes no sense...... Ian again showed millions of viewers how not to act when he and Teri followed the cab to the Mosque in Marrakech. Ian's idiotic macho-wanna-be behavior was an embarrassment to real macho men all over the world. He ordered his wife to “come” and the cabbie to “stay”, leading me to believe that as a child he was attacked many times by packs of dogs, and is forced to show his dominance over things he sees as being beneath him. Flo’s whine had people setting up cheese platters all over town. The biggest loser here had to be the cabbie that was forced to listen to the whine and the tirade. Whinade, if you will.
7. Buy the CD Now - "Survivors Sing Elvis"
God help us all. The King is rolling over in his grave, and it's not to find a sandwich. Helen started howling at the moon last night, and it turned out to sound a lot like "Are You Lonesome Tonight", so much so infact, that the brilliant powers that be in the editing studios of CBS, treated us to soft flute-like music to accompany her. Clay was crying, and Helen actually looked proud to have made him do so. Poor Helen didn't realize it was because his eardrums had burst.
6. Emotional? Me? Waaaaah!
OOOH TexasHeather. Your words ring in the ears of viewers around the nation. When you were put on the hot seat, you declared that you were not an emotional person. You are stable... sane... normal. You were the "mother hen" there to take care of all the other little chickens at the bachelorette house. You were the in the kitchen tossing as much cheese and bacon onto the other girls' food as you could, all the while the wheels were turning in your head, "9.5 grams of fat + 13 grams of fat = heffers in bikinis!". In confessional you tell the viewers "See my strategy was to fatten the other girls up so they wouldn't fit into their dresses!" Yes, they showed some embarrassing moments of you proclaiming your undying love for Aaron. Stating how you saw yourself married to him. Showing how you threw yourself at him over and over and over again only to be shrugged off. And you took it in stride. Good girl! Nice pageant smile! However, something snapped in TexasHeather. In those few steps back from the hotseat, TexasHeather fell off her rocker. As soon as Francis reiterated that TexasHeather's strategy was to fatten the other girls up by keeping them well fed, a statement that was originally uttered by Texas herself, Heather's inner psycho was revealed and the water works started. This little episode was enough to make us viewers rethink our position on Christi... who seems OH so sane when compared to the nervous breakdown TexasHeather had when someone told a joke that the rest of the world thought was funny, yet Texas found most "hurtful."
5. Once Upon A Time...
Once, when I was 3 years old my dad was captured by Injuns and I had to take my trusty mini Bow and Arrow and shoot Chief Wiggum in the butt. Luckily my dad was able to escape with the distraction I made.... OK, it wasn't that bad, but Jake, is it really a wise move to tell your tribemates a bunch of could-be tall tales? No one wants to hear about YOU... they want to hear you talk about THEM. You can still recover, but if you choose to tell them how you used your Lasso to ride a tornado after the next storm, you may need to pack your bags.
4. Hey Baby, Wanna See My Shrinkage?
He may not be able to win the hearts of the ladies with his all American good looks and boyish charm, but apparently, if he can get them half naked, all is well!! So, to the HOT TUB! In the final moments of the desperately weak reunion episode of The Bachelor 2, the editors decide to show us Aaron’s strategy to woo the women: offerings of a bottle of bubbly while sitting in the bubbles. Aaron suggests going to the hot tub at least 15 times to any woman or group of women that is willing to listen. Many times it appears that he breaks up the bachelorettes’ conversations by asking, “do you want to hit the hot tub?” or “do you think they have a hot tub?” or “maybe we could hit the hot tub back at the bachelor pad.” The worst thing about the segment is that most of the women seem less than eager to rush to the tub for some bub with this scrub. Seems like Aaron has never learned this all important equation: A Tub of Water + Champagne + The Bachelor = Shrinkage.
3. Laverne and Shirley
You're tired, you're hungry, you just got eliminated from the adventure of a lifetime, what better way to mark the final seconds of your "fifteen minutes" than with a quick burst of pattycake? Height differences and overly zealous slapping meant one false move could have been fatal, Aaron and Arianne's execution of their carefully choreographed routine was flawless. Imagine all the hours of rigourous training it took for them to get "hossenfeffer" fully incorporated.
2. The One That Got Away
Gwen was a class act when she rode away alone in a limo after not receiving a rose. She was just as classy when faced again with a man that obviously has feelings for her. Aaron showed up and Gwen turned into a school girl... and her feelings for Aaron were obviously reciprocated. When Gwen was given the chance to ask Aaron why he didn't choose her, viewers sat up and paid attention because we didn't understand either. The obvious hurt on Gwen's face and the flash of "what have I done" on Aaron's was enough to get a round of "awwwwwwwwwwwww" from the studio audience and tears from Gwen. The girl that had captured Aaron's heart from the beginning was sitting a few feet away from him and telling him that she wished he knew how she really felt. From the look on his face, it is hard to believe that the girl that Aaron loves isn't Gwen.
And the number one moment of the week...
1. Sex, Thighs, and Videotape
On this week's Survivor, we saw Ted's wife and new baby daughter. We saw Tammy Faye Bakker...wait, that was Clay's wife...oh, never mind. We saw Helen practically lose it when she saw her cat (of course, if it had been Jan, we would have seen her lose it over her "cayut"). And we got a brief glimpse of Brian's wife C.C. and his son Logan. Then, after everyone's appetite was whetted, it was time for the challenge itself. When all was said and done, it was Brian who won the challenge and got to see, along with the other tribemates, the entire videotape sent in by his wife. Look, it's C.C. and Logan dancing in their living room talking about how they're "gonna go out and party"! Look, it's C.C. showing Brian (and his tribemates) his grand piano and his new cars **camera on Helen busy making notes for a post-show break-in!** Look, it's C.C. putting her lips right up to the camera lens and sending Brian a big ol' kiss, as she pranced around in a boob tube and short shorts! Finally, the tape ends with C.C. in a dance performance that had Clay looking for spare dollar bills while his retinas detached. All of which begs the question, "What exactly does C.C. stand for?" Curvaceous Cutie? Conspicuously Cheesy? The mind wonders...
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