Yes, it’s late, but wait until you work your way to the number one moment… it was worth the one-day wait… you’ll see, and honestly… who couldn’t use a smile on a Monday?
I hope you enjoy the countdown.
10. Where’s The Beef
This week on Cupid the potential fiancé’s were able to show off their culinary skills. Home viewers quickly realized why none of the remaining five men tried out for The Restaurant.
Hawaiian Fajita’s were on the menu for one of the dinners, and it seems as though part of the night’s meal came straight from a can. Hawaiian’s everywhere rolled their eyes at the thought of refried beans being part of an authentic Hawaiian meal.
Maybe a couple of them should have called “Waiter On The Way” or at very least nuked some dinners and threw away the boxes.
No worries. Whoever “wins” also gets a rather large dowry so cooking lessons should be an affordable option.
9. If She ever mentions Donny being big…
…Well, people will have to wonder. This week in one of the installments of Big Brother Allison screamed for Robert to come look at the biggest spider she has ever seen. I would wager it was an entire inch in diameter. That includes the legs.
We learned that the Big Brother House is being over run with ants and spiders. Allison became the exterminator as she shot to kill any living thing in the house. Even Jun was smart enough to stay far away from Allison while she wielded the Killer Can of Raid. She shot down the ants, and really, they don’t eat much. Then she took a broom to the spiders. Even the HUGE ones outside. It will be laughable if the house is now over run with mosquitoes and flies. Spiders do serve a purpose Allison, so next time you’re scratching that mosquito bite, remember, it is ALL your fault.
8. All The Fun Of The Fair.
It was time to visit each of the guy’s homes on Cupid this week.
Being one of the bottom three vote getters more often than not has not dampened poet Renda’s enthusiasm for the task of trying to persuade America to have him marry Lisa.
He took great pains to point out to her father that, with a business degree behind him and three years of education “on the streets” he is more than able to support Lisa.
With her family out of the way, Renda used his alone time with Lisa to lay out his plan for their future, which basically consists of selling tickets to a party so people can look at them, he even has plans to sell t-shirts.
Lisa was not too impressed with the idea of being turned into a carnival sideshow.
Laura didn’t approve either, despite the fact she could have probably drawn a huge crowd as “Woman Who Chews Off Balls”.
7. Joke Schmo.
Spike TV presented the latest reality TV offering this week, Joe Schmo.
The concept is simple enough, everyone involved in the show is an actor and knows it’s a sham apart from Matt, a.k.a. the “Schmo”.
It was predetermined that Matt would lose the underwear swap challenge, consigning him to a day in a leopard print thong owned by the “gay” character Kip.
Matt filled the role of the hapless Schmo to perfection, even recognizing the porn star they had drafted in for a “Twister” style game of “Touch The Hooker” only after she had removed her bikini top.
Matt is the biggest tool on the show, not the sharpest in the shed, but even he will realise he’s the thong clad butt of a huge joke if the actors don’t pay more attention to their cover stories.
6. Once Smitten, Twice ROBbed
This was the week of the joint FLOM/FLOM2 Reunion, which provided Erin with yet another opportunity to meet the man she had gladly accepted $1,000,000 to avoid.
We saw the smirk temporarily wiped off Erin’s face, as Vic once again said he would jump at the chance to take a mere $10,000 rather than stay on the running to win Erin’s hand or the $1,000,000 prize.
But, when Rob walks in, humiliation is never far behind, he happily told us that he was stood up four times in one week on his re-entry dating pool.
The host asked the thirteen women of FLOM that didn’t make it to the final two, if they would have taken the same offer and thirteen hands immediately shot into the air.
Rob’s only change of romance had always been with the doe-eyed Paige, 13 years his junior, and even she said she thought he made the right decision in not choosing her.
5. Two Time Loser.
This week saw the return of Zack to Paradise Hotel.
Despite looking ridiculous in head, wrist and bicep sweatbands, he had the nerve to question Keith’s modeling credentials.
Keith countered with a very valid observation about Zack’s teeth.
Being the “debater” that he is, Zack resorted to physical threats, telling Keith he would be waiting for him in Arizona with 50 guys. Seems as though Zack needs serious back up.
When host Amanda explained that Zack’s threat meant he could not be considered by the voting guests to rejoin the hotel, his confrontation loving “Original” buddies looked on horrified.
Back in his room, Keith told the camera that, “Zack being ineligible makes me feel as though I kicked him off a second time”.
Indeed you did Keith, and for the majority of the viewers it felt just as sweet as the first time.
4. Haven’t We Met Before?
Who does and doesn’t have access to the $1,000,000 prize has been in the hands of the Board of Trustees, and this week the unsuspecting cast of The Family, finally got to meet them.
Host and unintentional leather goods spokesperson George Hamilton, re-introduced every person the Family has come into contact with since the show started.
Looking on blankly, but remaining composed, the contestants didn’t seem too bothered at the prospect that their fate could possibly have been decided in part by a woman who turned up for a couple of hours one afternoon to give them massages.
Shock took over their faces as the Board was revealed to be the five main staff members they’d been interacting with on a daily basis.
Cousin Jill was first to express the official Family motto, “I’m pissed off”, while Aunt Donna wanted to know “who are they to judge my family?” and stated, “they aren’t fit to judge us”.
Considering they eliminated her in a 5-0 vote it looks as though their “fitness” to judge is equivalent to that of a tri-athlete.
3. Compromising Position.
It was time for videos round the bonfire this week on Temptation Island III.
Time to see what your significant other had been up to while you were separated.
Anthony was most upset, distraught even, to see girlfriend Stephanie in the pool, sitting on the shoulders of single Derrick. *Gasp*.
Clearly he didn't watch the "tongueing down" of Nikkole last season if he thinks this is as bad as it gets.
Back at his room, he declared the gloves were off, he'll no longer be afraid of showing affection to the temptresses.
Stephanie better be ready to see him retaliate with some major hand-holding next week.
2. Happy Fluffin Birthday
Fort Mod, Writer, and Survivor Historian extraordinaire, Fluff, celebrated an undisclosed age birthday this week. Celebrities rushed to the Fluffian compound outside of Hyanisport to join in the celebration.
Survivor Africa's Ethan arrived shortly after the party began, and quickly went into a closed door conference with Fluff. No word yet as to the nature of the discussions, though we at the FORT are convinced they were leading to an exclusive interview, and not in fact anything untoward as rumored in the local media.
1. Name Dropper.
Life is one big celebrity bash for Big Brother 4 contestant Robert Roman, apparently.
He knows them all, but more importantly they all know him.
Despite his ex-girlfriend Erika’s claim that he got fired, restaurant manager Robert tells the other houseguests tales of how he sells expensive bottles of booze to Pink and shares jokes with Shaq.
He can go to celebrities if he needs a favour. He hasn’t of course…but he could.
Every night in the restaurant there are 20, no, 50 tables full of people he knows. Kobe, Vince Vaughan, Cameron Diaz.
Barry Drewmore too, no doubt sitting at a table with John Donson and Nick Jackolson.
Thanks so Much to The Birthday Girl Herself for her contributions to this weeks top ten. A shout out to Bill_in_PDX and cali for coming up with a couple too!